Guy I'm dating has his ex-wife make her facebook account private after I looked at her profile

[oldgummybear]

So, I met this guy on tinder(not great foundations), and have been dating him for about two month. We hit off well, and he's been gentlemanly(always open the car door for me), considerate(shovels my driveway when it happened to snow and bought me salt when he found out I didn't have any) and reliable(always make plans early, never late or bail, replies messages promptly and always start conversations).

Since he's older, I asked him on our second date what's his deal. He told me he's recently divorced with a toddler son, and the reason for divorce was his ex wife cheated on him(cliche, I know). The guy doesn't really use social media, he has a new ins and an old facebook account that has less than a dozen posts from more than a decade ago. I went through his posts and as a force of habit checked who liked his posts, and saw this woman with his last name. I went to look at her profile and was sure that was his ex. I told him I stalked his facebook about a week ago, and asked him (calmly) why she still uses his last name, he gave reasonable answers calmly as well. No drama. 

Today when I accidentally clicked his ex's name in my facebook search bar search history, her profile seems gone. I went back to my browser history to her page, and facebook tells me it's not viewable since the user has limited viewing to only friends. So basically, her profile became private a week after I asked him about her last name. 

Facebook doesn't show users who see their profiles right? Even if facebook does, I'm not even friends with the guy on facebook and there's no post of us anywhere, so to her I'm just a stranger. That means, this is 1)either a coincidence, 2) the guy has his ex's account info still and changed the setting himself, 3) the guy told her the truth and made her change her profile setting, 4) the guy made up an excuse to made her change her profile setting. Other than possibility 1), it seems that something strange is happening right? What should I do? Ask him about it? just give up and run away?

[BaileyB]

I would go on another date with the guy, assuming he asks. Given what you’ve said, he sounds quite nice. 

I’m assuming that you think because her account is now private, there is something to hide. I would take my cues from the man, not social media. Of course she has his last name - so does my partner’s ex-wife and they’ve been divorced for 10 years! If he hasn’t given you a reason to doubt, I would go out with him again. Lest you look like an irrational person... 

I’m assuming you haven’t been to his home?

 

Edited January 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[oldgummybear]

17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I would go on another date with the guy, assuming he asks. Given what you’ve said, he sounds quite nice. 

I’m assuming that you think because her account is now private, there is something to hide. I would take my cues from the man, not social media. Of course she has his last name - so does my partner’s ex-wife and they’ve been divorced for 10 years! If he hasn’t given you a reason to doubt, I would go out with him again. Lest you look like an irrational person... 

I’m assuming you haven’t been to his home?

 

Thanks for your reply. What you suggests does sound like the reasonable thing to do. 

I have actually been to his home; not considering social media, he seems to be hiding nothing. I think I'm not doubting if he's actually divorced with what I found on facebook, just what's his actual situation with his ex. Based on what he told me, they've never really had conversations after the divorce, but being able to tell someone to change their facebook profile status seems to suggest a lot of trust/control still. And also the action seems to suggest distrust against me?

[BaileyB]

How do you know that he told his ex wife to change her Facebook status? 

[oldgummybear]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How do you know that he told his ex wife to change her Facebook status? 

Timing? one week after I asked him about her last name, her status got changed. 

[BaileyB]

What if it’s not because he told her to change it? You could potentially miss out on a great guy because you made an incorrect assumption. That would be a shame. 

How about you continue to date him, and continue to learn more about the guy? Dating is a time of discovery. Everything you have learned so far seems ok, considering you have known the man for two months. Assuming you are not planning to move in or marry the guy anytime soon, you’ve got time to get to know him better. 

Edited January 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[oldgummybear]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What if it’s not because he told her to change it? You could potentially miss out on a great guy because you made an incorrect assumption. That would be a shame. 

How about you continue to date him, and continue to learn more about the guy? Dating is a time of discovery. Everything you have learned so far seems ok, considering you have known the man for two months. Assuming you are not planning to move in or marry the guy anytime soon, you’ve got time to get to know him better. 

I guess that's true. Thanks!

[BaileyB]

Ask him questions next time you are together. Not, why does she still have your name... But, tell me about your family? Did you have a happy childhood? How long were you married? What’s the hardest thing about single parenting? What do you like to do for fun? Where do you want to travel in the future... Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. 

When I first met my boyfriend, he was recently divorced. He didn’t talk much about his marriage and he didn’t really say anything about his ex wife. He said to me, “What would you like to know? Ask me anything, I’ll answer whatever questions you have...” Over time, I learned more about him, his marriage, his ex wife. Neither one of them have a Facebook page.

Best wishes!

Edited January 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

Timing? one week after I asked him about her last name, her status got changed. 

Do you think he's still married? 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

. I told him I stalked his facebook about a week ago, and asked him (calmly) why she still uses his last name, he gave reasonable answers calmly as well. No drama. 

He might find this a little invasive, OP. 

And yes, he might have mentioned to her that you were checking out her profile and she was uncomfortable with that. 

[elaine567]

 Get a friend to search for him, he may have blocked you from seeing his current FB account and she may be able to view more of his wife's pages too. OR if you do not want to involve your friend make a fake account.
How old is "older", how old are you?

If his child is still a toddler then his "wife" is in for the duration, even if they are properly divorced, how do you feel about that?
If he never has conversations with his ex, then does she have 100% custody and if so why?

[Taramere]

11 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

Facebook doesn't show users who see their profiles right? Even if facebook does, I'm not even friends with the guy on facebook and there's no post of us anywhere, so to her I'm just a stranger. That means, this is 1)either a coincidence, 2) the guy has his ex's account info still and changed the setting himself, 3) the guy told her the truth and made her change her profile setting, 4) the guy made up an excuse to made her change her profile setting. Other than possibility 1), it seems that something strange is happening right? What should I do? Ask him about it? just give up and run away?

I would suggest having some empathy for the fact that they're recently divorced.  It must be a raw time for both of them, whatever the reasons for the divorce.  You've only been dating for a couple of months.  From his perspective, a new partner asking questions like "why is she still using your surname" might not be the kind of questions he particularly wants to be having right now when he's in the process of moving on from a life event as stressful as a divorce.  He may well have mentioned to her that you were looking at her profile, and she might have decided that she'd rather not have her ex husband's new girlfriend looking at her profile right now.  Or in a more general way, she might not have realised her profile was publicly searchable and therefore decided to change her settings.  

[Wiseman2]

Yes do your homework on OLD dates 

Don't date someone in the throes of divorce. You're not getting $250./hr to deal with it.

Let him pay therapists and attorneys for that

Sounds like he's still married .

Your job is to make sure sure someone's single. And ready willing and able to date. 

 

[d0nnivain]

I don't see where it's any of your business why his EX wife still has his last name.  The most probable answer is that she kept it for their child's sake.  Your Q was waaayyyy out of line IMO.  In his shoes I would have broken up with you for asking such a thing.  It's invasive. 

I don't have a problem with you looking at either his or her FB.  What I don't understand is why you mentioned it to him.  Telling him seems weird & odd to me.  If a new person in my life told me they did that I'd put a lot of distance if not outright break up.  Again, it's not that you looked.  In this day & age looking is normal but something doesn't sit right with me over the announcement.

That said, the guy may be becoming more computer savvy since he started on line dating & realized that doesn't give others license to snoop on the mother of his child or possibly endanger the child so he encouraged her to improve her privacy settings. 

[Alpacalia]

It is invasive. However, I understand the need to make sure he is no longer married and to protect yourself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't have a problem with you looking at either his or her FB.  What I don't understand is why you mentioned it to him.  Telling him seems weird & odd to me.  If a new person in my life told me they did that I'd put a lot of distance if not outright break up.  Again, it's not that you looked.  In this day & age looking is normal but something doesn't sit right with me over the announcement.

My thoughts exactly. 

I would be weirded out if a new man in my life came at me with a similar announcement and line of questioning. 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My thoughts exactly. 

I would be weirded out if a new man in my life came at me with a similar announcement and line of questioning. 

Which is why I wouldn’t go back to him and ask why they changed the privacy setting. That is even more intrusive and she has no right to ask this question, 

Either she has concerns about the man and she doesn’t date him. Or, she goes out with him again and over time, she will learn more about their situation. As I said enough, this wouldn’t cause me enough concern not to go out with the man again. It’s just a date.

IF you learn that they are not divorced, or have poor boundaries with each other - that’s when you end it.

The simple fact, many divorced women keep their husband’s name for any number of reasons. It in no way indicates their marital status. 

The fact that she changed her privacy settings is coincidental. But, she has no proof that he told her to change her privacy settings. 

So, proceed with caution, if you will... which you should be doing anyway, given the circumstances. 

Edited January 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Which is why I wouldn’t go back to him and ask why they changed the privacy setting. That is even more intrusive and she has no right to ask this question, 

Yes, I absolutely agree. 

[oldgummybear]

Oh wow, this forum is much more lively than I thought it would be. I thought my post was just going to sink. Thanks for all the advice/suggestions.

1) I'm not going to ask him about the changed privacy setting. I know it's none of my business, and don't wanna seem a crazy woman. 

2) Me asking him why she still has his name was not as bad as probably imagined here. Looking at each other's facebook was a jokingly thing we did, and I just mentioned to him that I saw his ex still has his name, he offered the answer voluntarily (I told him I'm not looking for explanations, it's none of my business).

3) I don't think he's still married. Unless him and his wife are hiding that fact together(which is my biggest worry right now).

4) We are 8 years apart, I'm 25. If this information helps. 

[d0nnivain]

Tone does change things.  Glad this was more light hearted than it came across. 

Keep your eyes & ears open. 

[trident_2020]

15 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

Facebook doesn't show users who see their profiles right?

Indirectly, it can, yes.

At some point you'd probably come up in one of those "People you may know" popups.

But as you said if she has no clue who you are and what you look like, it's irrelevant.

As far as he keeping his last name, lots of divorced people do. I know my exwife does, I wouldn't give it a second thought, there really was no need for him to explain anything.

As far as her making her FB page private I highly doubt it has anything to do with you. Even if she knew who you were and that you were reading her page, why would she care? Certainly you're not of enough importance to her to change her profile to private.

I'm going with coincidence and you're overthinking.

Edited January 17, 2021 by trident_2020

[Starswillshine]

I never knew that keeping the ex's surname was an issue to people until recently. Not saying it is an issue to OP but I have heard comments from people recently discussing how some woman kept her ex's surname. Some people seemed to be quite bothered by it. All of the people who have seemed bothered have never been married. So I guess that explains some of it. 

I now wonder if my ex's many girlfriends are bothered by it..

[ShyViolet]

To be honest, this stuff is not your business.  You are acting a little bit stalkerish and you are going to scare him off if you keep up this behavior.  Just let it go.

My parents have been divorced for 25 years but my mom kept my dad's last name.  It's not unheard of, people have their reasons.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

I told him I'm not looking for explanations, it's none of my business

But you did ask him for an explanation:

16 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

I told him I stalked his facebook about a week ago, and asked him (calmly) why she still uses his last name

Might as well be honest with yourself about that. 

In any event, now you have your answer about why she still has his surname (which many divorcees do, for any number of reasons that are unrelated to having lingering feelings for their exes)  

But I am guessing you maybe are also not being entirely honest (with yourself) about the degree to which all of this bothers you. I say that because you posted this in the Other Man/Woman forum, which suggests that you were suspicious that he's actually a married man. No?

Edited January 17, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

We are 8 years apart, I'm 25. If this information helps

Your gut is telling you something is not right here.
I am curious to know why at 25 and at the peak time of your life, you are delving down to some recently divorced older  single parent, who you suspect is still married?
Why get involved in complications with the added worry and upset, when you don't have to?
Aim higher.