Guy I'm dating has his ex-wife make her facebook account private after I looked at her profile

[Noproblem]

Why would you get involved with a divorce with a toddler! Who is OLDER than you!

He left his toddler without a father, what makes you any difference; he'll leave you too one day!

This is a recipe for disaster, he shouldn't be dating this soon anyway, he should care about his toddler not scoring with girls on Tinder!

 

and after the story of his wife going private, this indicates there are lots of secrets going on here.

No matter how nice he is, this is gonna be full of drama and shocks along the way!

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 18, 2021 by Noproblem

[Starswillshine]

Could you have accidently liked a photo or post of hers? Sometimes, people don't realize their profile is public until something like this happens, and it feels really creepy having people look into your life that you don't know. 

Another thought, how close is he with his ex wife? He may have just mentioned that you looked at her profile. He may not at all requested she make it private, but to my previous point, she may have been a little creeped out. Maybe he didn't even mention you, but that he noticed it was public. 

Who knows. I think there is too much to decide one way or another. 

[Wiseman2]

You come up in someone's "people you may know" section whenever you snoop.

Keep in mind FB is just about data mining and computing. It's not a person who knows who's who 

At any rate. It sounds like he's still married, or at the very least very much still negotiating things with her.

Edited January 18, 2021 by Wiseman2

[lana-banana]

It seems most likely to me that you came up in her "People you may know", she realized who you are or might be, and decided she didn't want you looking at her profile. This seems totally reasonable on her part. (And FWIW, as a married woman, I am never again going through the hassle of changing my name back! That was exhausting.)

[littleblackheart]

The 'people you may know' popups are just people randomly picked by the algorithm from your friends' connections so you can expand your network. No snooping involved. FB has said multiple times you can't tell who has viewed your page.

Anecdotal experience from someone I know who did something similar to you, OP - turns out he wasn't exactly single, and was trying to hide my friend from his new lady friend. 

I would trust your instinct.

[trident_2020]

10 hours ago, Noproblem said:

Why would you get involved with a divorce with a toddler! Who is OLDER than you!

I can't seem to wrap my head around this statement.

 

[Noproblem]

10 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

I can't seem to wrap my head around this statement.

 

Well, reverse it to a guy who is 25 trying to date a single/kinda divorced mom who is 33 and whose ex husband/bf is still using last name and magically go private ( aka they are still in contact and still in the picture). The mom is leaving the kid behind in the care of her ex and she is hanging on TINDER!

but in the OP defense, the girl seems nice enough! 

and here is the big revelation; they only knew each others for 2 months and the guy is already having doubts and posting about it!

 

Why bother, get yourself a single person  ( older or younger up to you) but single without package.

Get a person whose kids are old enough not toddlers who need his attention all the time; it will never be amazing.

He already felt how it is to have a kid, he already went through it all

and he is been cheated on, he is damaged, he'll always suspect this new girl, and he'll always miss his wife because it was NEVER his choice to end it, she ended it by cheating

and why did his wife cheat? Did she really cheat? Did he cheated as well? How do we know!

Just because he open the door for her, he is a gentleman now!

I would rather him taking care of his toddler instead of dating on TINDER. What a ROLE MODEL!

 

 

 

 

Edited January 19, 2021 by Noproblem

[sandylee1]

On 18/01/2021 at 4:39 PM, trident_2020 said:

I can't seem to wrap my head around this statement.

 

I think it's about being 25 and having all the options in choosinga partner, why settle for a divorcee with the baggage of an Ex and a kid.

 

[trident_2020]

3 hours ago, sandylee1 said:

I think it's about being 25 and having all the options in choosinga partner, why settle for a divorcee with the baggage of an Ex and a kid.

Especially if the kid is a toddler and older than you.

Edited January 28, 2021 by trident_2020

[Prudence V]

54 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Especially if the kid is a toddler and older than you

OP is 25. How can a toddler be older? 🤯

[trident_2020]

3 hours ago, Prudence V said:

OP is 25. How can a toddler be older? 🤯

I didn't write it, @Noproblem did.

 

Edited January 28, 2021 by trident_2020

[Findingfreedom]

why would she not keep his last name? They have a child! I’m getting divorced and I’m keeping his last name. Seems tome that was none of your business.

[Starswillshine]

9 hours ago, Findingfreedom said:

why would she not keep his last name? They have a child! I’m getting divorced and I’m keeping his last name. Seems tome that was none of your business.

I'm still shocked people even care about this. I kept my ex-husband's name, too. I dont even care about the darn name, it silly business to me. Sounds like people need to grow up. 

[Acacia98]

On 1/17/2021 at 5:02 AM, oldgummybear said:

He told me he's recently divorced with a toddler son, and the reason for divorce was his ex wife cheated on him(cliche, I know). 

I feel like your original post focuses on the wrong "problem". He is recently divorced, reeling from having been cheated on, and presumably separated from his toddler, whom I assume he loves very much.

The odds are that his relationship with you (if things go that far) will either be a rebound relationship or involve no-strings sex. Would you be okay with that?

[oldgummybear]

Some updates, also more confusion. 

Still dating, been a little more than 3 months now, and we call each other bf/gf. Guy seems serious, I don't see any sign of this being his rebound or no strings sex. He still do little things that I like, like opening car doors all the time. We've been spending weekends together ever since we've met. He introduced me to his gym, and now we work out together after work during workdays. He's willing to help me with my problems (drove me to buy my car etc.) and shows willingness to solve problems when I raise them. He's met some of my friends. I've not met his though (almost none are in our city, since he moved here and covid began). And I've not met his toddler (I've also never asked to).

His ex's facebook profile became visible a couple days after disappearing. so I'm not sure what was the problem. She used to have a change of profile picture record where the profile picture changed into was a photo of her on their wedding day. After the reappearance of her profile, that record was gone. However, she didn't delete or change to private any of the posts she posted when they were together. So yeah, I still see posts of them running together, remodeling house together, celebrating their child's birth etc. And honestly they bother me, a lot. Rationally, I understand that's his past and I should focus on the future instead. But emotionally, those posts are just really hard to deal with. I haven't talked to him about it, should I mention these feelings? How should I do it? At the same time, I wonder why she's keeping all those posts? If as he said, she cheated and is now with the person she cheated with? Can someone help me unpack her rationale a little?

Overall, I think things are going well if I'm not thinking and questioning his past. I guess I'm just wondering if I should continue, become more serious etc., or quit before I get too emotionally involved (I guess I already am a little bit). If I continue, how do I deal with my own hard feelings about his past?

 

 

[oldgummybear]

And I guess to clarify a little. I don't mind him having a toddler actually. Maybe I'm too naive, but I just think if we end up together, I'll basically be in that child's life from very early on, and emotionally, he will just be like my kid. What I mind is probably where the guy has been emotionally with her. 

[Starswillshine]

48 minutes ago, oldgummybear said:

At the same time, I wonder why she's keeping all those posts? If as he said, she cheated and is now with the person she cheated with? Can someone help me unpack her rationale a little?

You are overthinking it, imo. I haven't gone through my social media posts and removed my ex-husband. I have zero feelings for him. My current BF has pictures of his previous life with his ex. It was a previous life, it does not bother me one bit. I look back at photos with my ex and I don't recognize the people in the photo... and I just assume he is the same way. I have my ex-husband's name and I have photos of our family still on my social media. And I have ZERO desire to have him in my life romantically. 

If I were you, I would stop focusing on what she is or isn't doing and try to figure out why this is bothering you so much. Is it a trust issue you have with him? Because he has no control over her... and even if she was pining away after him, he has no control over  her feelings and actions. 

[lurker74]

On 1/18/2021 at 1:35 AM, Noproblem said:

He left his toddler without a father, what makes you any difference; he'll leave you too one day!

What does this even MEAN? Divorce is now de-parenting? And to the rest, when I was 25, I dated lots of 25-ish year olds. Now in my 40s, I've dated a number of 25-ish year olds and I have to say, 25-ish year olds are not necessarily something to pine over. Many people enjoy dating outside their age bracket for any number of reasons. For some women, stereotypic though it is, they enjoy the generally greater maturity (and if I do say so myself) better understanding of a women's body that comes a bit later in life. And 8 years is not that big of a difference. My current (and, I believe, final) GF is 8 years younger than me, albeit with both of us being older the OP.

As for OP, there's no substitute for time in understanding the person whom you are dating. It sounds promising but it could be problematic at some point. So just continue to see him until the pain outweighs the joy and be smart about not getting TOO emotionally involved until you two are further along. It sounds like you're doing fine.

Also, as @elaine567 suggested, have a friend stalk her. Maybe you weren't blocked. Maybe she deactivated her FB for a while...perhaps she's on Tinder too and didn't like the creepy guys finding her. Who knows.

Edited March 3, 2021 by lurker74

[lurker74]

1 hour ago, oldgummybear said:

So yeah, I still see posts of them running together, remodeling house together, celebrating their child's birth etc. And honestly they bother me, a lot. Rationally, I understand that's his past and I should focus on the future instead. But emotionally, those posts are just really hard to deal with. I haven't talked to him about it, should I mention these feelings? How should I do it? At the same time, I wonder why she's keeping all those posts? If as he said, she cheated and is now with the person she cheated with? Can someone help me unpack her rationale a little?

Overall, I think things are going well if I'm not thinking and questioning his past. I guess I'm just wondering if I should continue, become more serious etc., or quit before I get too emotionally involved (I guess I already am a little bit). If I continue, how do I deal with my own hard feelings about his past?

Sorry for the double-post. I didn't see this until I already hit submit. But my base advice remains the same: continue while the joy outweighs the pain and be careful about your emotions. However, as to how to focus on the future, first, understand that your emotions are absolutely justified. Don't try to stop them...when you have conquered the issue, the emotions will fade. Her rationale is that of a cake-eater, in some ways (that means she wants to have her cake - her new beau - and eat it too - have the trappings of a "happy" family). But at the same time that your emotions are valid, so are hers. Yes, she cheated, but that does not mean she does not love her child...it does not mean that she did not love her husband at some point. Learn to accept not just your emotions but hers as well. 

Where emotions do us dirty is when we allow them to dictate our actions. So, for instance, her flying off the handle because her ex-husband is dating you - while emotionally valid - would be unacceptable as an action. Likewise, you "confronting" your BF about why his ex still has those pictures is too much. So, what I would suggest first is that you block his ex so that you stop going there. And then, you eventually (soon) and calmly discuss it with your BF. You should use language like,

"I know this is not entirely rational but for the sake of our relationship, I really want to tell you something...there's no good reason for it, but for some reason, when I see pictures of you and your ex all happy and hopeful, it causes me anxiety. You do not need to do anything differently...it's my issue to deal with...but because we are together, I at least wanted you to know."

You need to be able to communicate with your partner, even when it's telling him something that isn't great about yourself. And you'll know you're with the right person when he accepts you for you, flaws and all.

[Noproblem]

6 hours ago, lurker74 said:

What does this even MEAN? Divorce is now de-parenting?

If he is dating just right away, then yeah he is not being the best father in the world! He is a selfish father and he'll be a selfish lover, it's all about him

This is exactly what it means . He can always date after his baby is old enough, he just got divorced and instead of being a good dad, he is running around dating this and that. 

I am sorry but this is a typical lousy father move. He'll make a new family and forget his kid ever existed. visits him once or twice each month,  if ever!

[oldgummybear]

1 hour ago, Noproblem said:

If he is dating just right away, then yeah he is not being the best father in the world! He is a selfish father and he'll be a selfish lover, it's all about him

This is exactly what it means . He can always date after his baby is old enough, he just got divorced and instead of being a good dad, he is running around dating this and that. 

I am sorry but this is a typical lousy father move. He'll make a new family and forget his kid ever existed. visits him once or twice each month,  if ever!

That's actually not the case. Shared custody. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

, I'll basically be in that child's life from very early on, and emotionally, he will just be like my kid.

No. That will never happen. The child has 2 parents only. His father and his mother. Even if your relationship progresses, that doesn't change.

Hopefully this guy has the sense to not introduce women he's dating briefly to his child and hopefully he has a good co-parenting relationship with the mother.

[d0nnivain]

20 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

But emotionally, those posts are just really hard to deal with. I haven't talked to him about it, should I mention these feelings? How should I do it? At the same time, I wonder why she's keeping all those posts? If as he said, she cheated and is now with the person she cheated with? Can someone help me unpack her rationale a little?

Overall, I think things are going well if I'm not thinking and questioning his past. I guess I'm just wondering if I should continue, become more serious etc., or quit before I get too emotionally involved (I guess I already am a little bit). If I continue, how do I deal with my own hard feelings about his past?

If you can't deal with the fact that he has a past -- a whole other life with an EX wife & a small child -- stop dating him.  Neither of those people will ever go away.   His child will be around forever.  The EX will be there for custody exchanges, having to be consulted about major decisions & in attendance at all big life events:  the kid's graduations, weddings, etc.  There is no avoiding them. 

Why are you still snooping on the social media of his EX-W anyway?  Just block her.  You are making yourself crazy here.  

Absolutely do not tell him that you are upset about things that you have seen in his EX-W's social media.  You will come across as a bunny boiler from the movie Fatal Attraction.  

 

19 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

Maybe I'm too naive, but I just think if we end up together, I'll basically be in that child's life from very early on, and emotionally, he will just be like my kid. What I mind is probably where the guy has been emotionally with her. 

Yup.  You are too naïve.  You may be in the child's life but that child will never be "just like my kid."  It's lovely that you anticipate caring deeply about this child but you are waaaaayyyyyy ahead of yourself here. You & the dad have only been together for 3 months.  You shouldn't even meet this kid until you have been with dad for at least 12-18 months & you & the dad are talking about things like marriage & forever.  To bring you into the young kid's life at this early stage would be detrimental & confusing to the child.  

You need to slow way down. Make it through summer with dad, then see where you are.  I honestly have doubts that you will last that long given your obsession with the EX-W.  Until you stop focusing on what may have been with her, which is over, & put your energy into your present, this will eventually implode.  

[Birdies]

Argh.  It deleted my comment twice.

Anyway, basically I said that it's a little crazy that you are facebook stalking his ex-wife and bothered by the fact that she hasn't deleted all her facebook, including the birth of her child, satisfactorily to your liking?  Stop looking at her facebook already!

Definitely don't talk to him about this.  Just stop looking and obsessing about his former life and his former wife.  He has an entire life before you, and he will be co-parenting with this person for the next 15-20 years.  Your choices are to get comfortable with it, or to move on.

Edited March 4, 2021 by Birdies

[Birdies]

Duplicate

Edited March 4, 2021 by Birdies