Guys who have dated someone they found physically unattractive: What made you go for them and not someone more attractive?

[verhrzn]

The majority of guys I dated throughout my life choose me "despite" my looks "because" of my personality (their words, just quoting here), and honestly, I would have preferred they hadn't! I know it seems like a romantic notion, but it can be pretty devastating, especially if the guy isn't naturally a demisexual.

Whether biological or social, it seems like a lot of straight women measure attractiveness on a kind of 3D spectrum that cross-sections physical looks, personality, compatibility, if he's rescued any orphans from a burning building lately, etc, and I just don't think the majority of men have been socialized the same way. Ya just gotta accept that men's attraction is sparked largely by the physical first. I think fighting against that (guys dating unattractive women because they want to prove they're not "shallow", or because they internalized the idea that personality matters more, or out of flat desperation) is a losing bet. 

Are you asking this out of concern that your own physical appearance doesn't measure up, and you resent that your personality won't compensate for that? You seem to have some strong responses; what's going on behind them? I'm an Ugly Lady™, so if I'm reading your motivations correctly, I think I could help! 

[Elissa]

Hi all,

This thread is closed pending review.

Thank you for your understanding.

Edited February 3, 2021 by Elissa

[Elissa]

Hi all, 

The thread is now re-opened after review, with many posts having been removed from the conversation.

A gentle reminder that all contributions are welcome so long as they are respectful, related to the opening post, inclusive of all participants and directed at the idea or opinion rather than targeting any individual or group of people.

Thank you!

[josedelamuerte]

Guys who have dated someone they found physically unattractive: What made you go for them and not someone more attractive?

Now - by "found physically unattractive" I assume you mean I would've swiped left on them, not that they're repulsive in any way. Just not my cup of tea.

So far I've dated them after long droughts, during which I was still grieving old love affairs, and they came on to me, which I found extremely flattering. Once we were together it's like something clicked, and I thought they looked great. I ended up pining for one of them for almost a decade after she dumped me, and even now that she's hit the wall, I still think she's pretty.

It sounds very transactional when I phrase it like this, but - they thought I was great so I was willing to entertain the idea that maybe they're also great.

[chillii]

Was with a girl back in the days no one could work out , but she was a very unique and special person. lt didn't work out in the end  buttttttt.

[Trail Blazer]

On 03/02/2021 at 12:42 PM, verhrzn said:

The majority of guys I dated throughout my life choose me "despite" my looks "because" of my personality (their words, just quoting here), and honestly, I would have preferred they hadn't! I know it seems like a romantic notion, but it can be pretty devastating, especially if the guy isn't naturally a demisexual.

Whether biological or social, it seems like a lot of straight women measure attractiveness on a kind of 3D spectrum that cross-sections physical looks, personality, compatibility, if he's rescued any orphans from a burning building lately, etc, and I just don't think the majority of men have been socialized the same way. Ya just gotta accept that men's attraction is sparked largely by the physical first. I think fighting against that (guys dating unattractive women because they want to prove they're not "shallow", or because they internalized the idea that personality matters more, or out of flat desperation) is a losing bet. 

Are you asking this out of concern that your own physical appearance doesn't measure up, and you resent that your personality won't compensate for that? You seem to have some strong responses; what's going on behind them? I'm an Ugly Lady™, so if I'm reading your motivations correctly, I think I could help! 

This is a great post.  I think that anyone who believes looks shouldn't matter at all is jaded and very delusional.

For men especially, looks is very important for the most part.  However, no, it's certainly not the only important thing.

For mine, I am not necessary attracted to someone who I'd say is objectively hot.  If I don't get a good vibe, I just won't go there for a relationship.

I am pretty fussy.  I need to be physically attracted, but attraction is so much more than just looks.

All of the other aspects which I require are redundant or not applicable if I'm not physically attracted.  However, those aspects would make someone a great friend.