[UPDATE] Fight Fire With Fire? or Gentle Douse of Water?

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Good point about cuddling also being something that causes oxytocin to be released, though I'd done reading on release of it during intercourse, but not during cuddling.

This further leads one who is interested in guarding their heart to consider maybe not cuddling iF they are interested in guarding their hearts until they feel it's safe for their emotions.

I realize many are not concerned with guarding their hearts so this advice is not for them.

What do you mean by writing, "It's curious?" What is curious about sex being discussed on LS? To me it seems it's often introduced or even included in discussions here.

So what are you inferring in writing that?

 

I am one of those who is not concerned with guarding my heart.  Why?  Because I am resilient and I know no matter what happens, even if/when I get my heart ripped to shreds, I will be okay.   And hopefully learned something from the experience.  I am not afraid of getting hurt as so many others tend to be. 

It means I am alive, and capable of having a feeling and when you've gone through depression and felt nothing, even pain can be a welcomed feeling, as odd as that might sound to some.

I am of the belief that guarding your heart leads, or might possibly lead, to precisely what you're trying to guard your heart against - getting hurt.  You're guard is up, you're defenses are up, your fearful, anxious.  It does more harm than good and can push others away.

Re bonding, one can bond emotionally just by talking and interacting!  I have experienced that.

LivingWater, speaking of being curious, I am curious.  How long do you think a couple should wait to have sex?  We waited two months, for me that seemed like forever!   But he wanted to wait as most if not all his previous relationships were about sex, and he wanted more with me.  We actually had that in common (prior relationships being all about sex).

So we waited until around the 9th date, approximately two months.

 

Edited January 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[LivingWaterPlease]

40 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am one of those who is not concerned with guarding my heart.  Why?  Because I am resilient and I know no matter what happens, even if/when I get my heart ripped to shreds, I will be okay.   And hopefully learned something from the experience.  I am not afraid of getting hurt as so many others tend to be. 

It means I am alive, and capable of having a feeling and when you've gone through depression and felt nothing, even pain can be a welcomed feeling, as odd as that might sound to some.

I am of the belief that guarding your heart leads, or might possibly lead, to precisely what you're trying to guard your heart against - getting hurt.  You're guard is up, you're defenses are up, your fearful, anxious.  It does more harm than good and can push others away.

Re bonding, one can bond emotionally just by talking and interacting!  I have experienced that.

LivingWater, speaking of being curious, I am curious.  How long do you think a couple should wait to have sex?  We waited two months, for me that seemed like forever!   But he wanted to wait as most if not all his previous relationships were about sex, and he wanted more with me.  We actually had that in common (prior relationships being all about sex).

So we waited until around the 9th date, approximately two months.

 

I believe a couple should wait to have sex until it's safe. And I believe it's wise to do all one can to learn when that is.

I've made my own decision about this based on a lot of experience, some of it in making mistakes, and also reading, and listening to experiences of others and what they have to say. 

I noticed from your first post that you mentioned your partner being hurtful to you and in this thread it seems you have brought up the fact that he has been disrespectful in ways you didn't address along the way and how it has affected you negatively.

I'm glad to read you're no longer hurting.

When I read about your situation as posted, though, I immediately felt disappointed for you because I'd noticed you were so happy with him before. I think you were even engaged. In my post above I almost said that but didn't want to pile on by reminding you of your former happiness. And even now I don't mention it for the purpose of doing that.  I only mention it to clarify as to why I'm sharing things that could possibly help you or anyone reading this thread to avoid the same thing happening again because I thought from the title of this thread that's what you were asking.

It seems to me from your above post that you equate guarding your heart to being fearful, anxious, defensive and harmful, pushing others away.  Maybe you and I have a different understanding as to what guarding one's heart means. Because my experience has been the opposite.

Two maxims that mean a lot to me are, "a word to the wise," and "live and learn!"  🙂

I think shortskirts edited the curious comment out of her post so I did, too, in response to her edit!

[Gaeta]

Concerning the sex early. I think what is important is that each person stay true to themselves. If for you sex means bonding and you know once it's done you'll feel closer and have expectations than respect that and wait. I don't think there is a one answer fits all in that department, it depends on your age, your life experience up to now, your culture, religion, and personality. 

@poppyfields Good luck for tonight. When we know we're doing the right thing half the healing is done.

 

[Fox Sake]

On 1/17/2021 at 5:41 PM, poppyfields said:

Hey guys, general question I'd like opinions on.

When your partner does something intentionally hurtful, maybe because they felt hurt by something you did (unintentionally), but instead of discussing like a rational mature adult, they punish you by angrily lashing out or acting out, do you believe in standing up for yourself and expressing anger back? 

Essentially fighting fire with fire? 

OR wouid a calm cool approach (gentle douse a water) be better to change the angry dynamic and extinguish the fire? 

I'm torn on what the correct approach is. 

Thanks guys. 

 

Hey poppy! 
I haven’t been through the replies yet cos I don’t want them to cloud my judgment , and there’s also over 100 of them! 
 

Anyways , very good question. 
My take is that neither response is correct! 
There is however, a correct way. 

Fire vs Fire 

Explosions, turn into nothing but point scoring. As we all know, point scoring makes for a very unhealthy relationship and nothing gets resolved until one person “wins” and has beaten down the other person. “I’m right and you’re wrong” 

Water vs Fire 

Equally as bad as Fire , is Water. 
There’s nothing more infuriating than someone  not rising to your angry issue and making you feel like you’re crazy...with their very calm, cool and calculated responses of “relax” or “you need to calm down”.
The water turns into fuel. 

 

The correct path

After some reflection recently , I came to the conclusion that to have a balanced and healthy relationship , there had to be complete and open, honest communication from the very start.
The ability to share any fears, needs, wants, and the ability for both people to empathise and reflect how their actions make someone else feel, even if they don’t feel that way themselves. the ability to ask how someone else feels.
Morally one of you will usually be right! And that has to be done without fear of rejection or repercussion for being vulnerable. 

Basically - If both people can state how they feel and set their egos aside for a moment and aren’t afraid to say when they’re wrong , then you can get through anything after the flames have settled to deal with the coals. 

[Cookiesandough]

Hi @LivingWaterPlease. I didn’t edit ‘curious’ out.  And I meant it is curious i.e. strange that you would focus on sex and pinpoint it as the main issue in this particular thread (about poppy and her ex fiancé). Maybe in a thread about hook up, or or casual relationship or dating , or friends with benefits...but her stuff seems about a lot more than sex. JMO 

Edited January 30, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Cookiesandough]

20 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Good point about cuddling also being something that causes oxytocin to be released, though I'd done reading on release of it during intercourse, but not during cuddling.

 

And it gets released even if you THINK about your object  of affection!!! 🥰https://positivepsychologynews.com/news/emiliya-zhivotovskaya/2012032321636

 

sources on the bottom of the page

 

 

[introverted1]

@poppyfields Just checking in on you.  You ok?

 

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, introverted1 said:

@poppyfields Just checking in on you.  You ok?

Yeah, I'm good, thnx for checking in.

We broke up Friday night.  It was an emotional conversation, but in the end he understood.  He apologized, I apologized.  It's sad and maybe hasn't hit me, but I'm actually pretty good! 

Still cannot stop shaking though and forcing myself to eat, and last night felt like crying, but couldn't.

Weird feeling, so closed my eyes and went to sleep.  Woke up feeling a bit better, wish I could stop shaking though.  

Yesterday I found an apartment with a month-to-month, since I'm leaving in April-May, move in in two weeks.  

I also discovered there is an opening at public defender's office for a legal assistant which is rare!  So trying to secure an internship which they should go for since they don't have to pay me.

It's only for a few months, I'd love to snag that for the experience since my goal is being a criminal defense lawyer. 

Needless to say, a lot on my plate right now, which is good, keeps me from over-thinking and over-stressing. 

 

[Cookiesandough]

I’m glad you’re okay, poppy. Happy to hear you are going after your dreams. 🙌

[Mrin]

@poppyfieldsinteresting. There is a stress reduction technique called TRE. It basically is about shaking your body sort of violently as a way of reducing stress. All animals including humans do it naturally to some extent. Perhaps Google it or just try shaking your arms and legs and butt and everything for a few minutes and see if that improves things.

Best of luck!

Mrin

[poppyfields]

On 1/30/2021 at 9:18 AM, Fox Sake said:

Basically - If both people can state how they feel and set their egos aside for a moment and aren’t afraid to say when they’re wrong , then you can get through anything after the flames have settled to deal with the coals. 

Hey Foxy, thank you for this^, really good advice. 

Also wanted to say, it's good to see you back.

Edited January 31, 2021 by poppyfields

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 1/30/2021 at 1:32 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

And it gets released even if you THINK about your object  of affection!!! 🥰https://positivepsychologynews.com/news/emiliya-zhivotovskaya/2012032321636

 

sources on the bottom of the page

 

 

 

On 1/30/2021 at 1:28 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Hi @LivingWaterPlease. I didn’t edit ‘curious’ out.  And I meant it is curious i.e. strange that you would focus on sex and pinpoint it as the main issue in this particular thread (about poppy and her ex fiancé). Maybe in a thread about hook up, or or casual relationship or dating , or friends with benefits...but her stuff seems about a lot more than sex. JMO 

OK, I couldn't find it so thought you'd edited it out. No problem.

Most of us will encounter posts at one time or another, and possibly often, on LS we find curious so not surprised you found one of mine curious.

But, yeah, I don't think we're supposed to discuss back and forth about the OP on LS threads, though, so going to drop this with you in order to follow guidelines of LS.

 

[Cookiesandough]

11 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

 

OK, I couldn't find it so thought you'd edited it out. No problem.

Most of us will encounter posts at one time or another, and possibly often, on LS we find curious so not surprised you found one of mine curious.

But, yeah, I don't think we're supposed to discuss back and forth about the OP on LS threads, though, so going to drop this with you in order to follow guidelines of LS.

 

You’re right. Maybe my choice of words could easily be taken the wrong way. I didn’t mean to offend anyone. I’m sorry, LWP. 

Edited February 1, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[LivingWaterPlease]

24 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

You’re right. Maybe my choice of words could easily be taken the wrong way. I didn’t mean to offend anyone. I’m sorry, LWP. 

No biggie at all, Shortskirts! 🙂

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

We broke up Friday night.  It was an emotional conversation, but in the end he understood.  He apologized, I apologized.  It's sad and maybe hasn't hit me, but I'm actually pretty good! 

Still cannot stop shaking though and forcing myself to eat, and last night felt like crying, but couldn't.

I'm sorry for the breakup. The end of a relationship is sad even when wished for. I think the shacking could be anxiety? 

I'm glad you have this exciting new professional endeavor in front of you, it will keep you focused and it'll help you move on faster. 

Edited February 1, 2021 by Gaeta

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'm really glad he apologized. My ex didn't and that was disappointing. But, it made it a little easier to stick to my decision. 

I'm glad you're feeling motivated to move forward. 

[hippychick3]

((Hugs)) Poppy. You made a very brave decision and should feel so proud for standing up for yourself and taking charge of your life. Good luck with your endeavors. It all sounds very exciting. 🤩

[Watercolors]

Hey Poppy breakups are never easy but sometimes necessary, in order to move on with your life, which you are doing, finally. 

I hope you get that internship. It's a stepping stone on your new life path towards your goal of criminal law practice. 

You and your ex-fiance both learned a lot about yourselves from your relationship. Carry that information forward with you, as you venture into the new phase of your life. So that when you meet the man you were destined to be with, you'll be 100% whole, and ready. 

 

 

[StrongHands]

"Never love anyone that treats you like you're ordinary"

[Gaeta]

How you doing poppy? How are things home ?as you just move out in 2 weeks

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

How you doing poppy? How are things home ?as you just move out in 2 weeks

Hi Gaeta, I'm okay, up and down, thank you for asking.  I'm not at home, I'm staying in a hotel until the apt is ready.  I thought I mentioned, maybe not, my brain's been in a stir.

It will be nice to get settled in though, decorating, etc I'm really into that.  The hotel I'm at is nice but well, you know, it's a hotel!  Lol

I'm sure in a few weeks, I'll be back to my ole self.

How are you coping?  Hope you're doing okay.  Time heals.  xo

 

 

[Fox Sake]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Gaeta, I'm okay, up and down, thank you for asking.  I'm not at home, I'm staying in a hotel until the apt is ready.  I thought I mentioned, maybe not, my brain's been in a stir.

It will be nice to get settled in though, decorating, etc I'm really into that.  The hotel I'm at is nice but well, you know, it's a hotel!  Lol

I'm sure in a few weeks, I'll be back to my ole self.

How are you coping?  Hope you're doing okay.  Time heals.  xo

 

 

You did well Poppy! It had been brewing for a time... I’m actually excited for you right now- Who knows what treats life has in store for you..🥳  

Now you’re open to so many great new opportunities coming your way! You’ve learned so much about yourself. You’re also armed to the teeth with a wealth of emotional maturity, relationship knowledge and lessons that you can carry forward, to help you continue to become the best version of you that you can be. Very soon you’ll be on cloud 9 when you have processed everything, which there is no rush to do. It’s a positive journey, you can only go up from here   
 

 

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

You did well Poppy! It had been brewing for a time... I’m actually excited for you right now- Who knows what treats life has in store for you..🥳  

Now you’re open to so many great new opportunities coming your way! You’ve learned so much about yourself. You’re also armed to the teeth with a wealth of emotional maturity, relationship knowledge and lessons that you can carry forward, to help you continue to become the best version of you that you can be. Very soon you’ll be on cloud 9 when you have processed everything, which there is no rush to do. It’s a positive journey, you can only go up from here   

Thanks so much foxy.  And yeah I guess you're right, it had been brewing for awhile, I just didn't see it, didn't want to see it. 

Not sure I'm quite there as far as having the wealth of emotional maturity and relationship knowledge, but I did learn some valuable lessons to take with me, I just hope in my next relationship, I can apply what I've learned.

I don't envision that happening for awhile though, right now my focus is on moving back to New York, and attending law school this summer.  An exciting endeavor for sure!

Thanks again for your and everyone's support!  😂

[StrongHands]

Good Luck Ms Poppy.  I read most of the thread and you clearly seem to have made both a wise and brave decision 

[StrongHands]

“Sometimes the best thing you can do is Not Think, Not Wonder, Not Imagine, Not Obsess. Just Breathe and have Faith that everything will work out for the best”