[UPDATE] Fight Fire With Fire? or Gentle Douse of Water?

[StrongHands]

21 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks so much foxy.  And yeah I guess you're right, it had been brewing for awhile, I just didn't see it, didn't want to see it. 

Not sure I'm quite there as far as having the wealth of emotional maturity and relationship knowledge, but I did learn some valuable lessons to take with me, I just hope in my next relationship, I can apply what I've learned.

I don't envision that happening for awhile though, right now my focus is on moving back to New York, and attending law school this summer.  An exciting endeavor for sure!

Thanks again for your and everyone's support!  😂

Never rule out the possibility Poppy.  Always remember that LIGHTNING can strike when YOU least expect it.  Having said that, I think the passage below is important for ALL OF US to read and more importantly remember in reference to relationships and love in general.

 

 

"Never Take Anything For Granted

Learn To Appreciate What You Have

Before It's No Longer

Yours To Appreciate"

Edited February 4, 2021 by StrongHands

[Cookiesandough]

Re: the shaking. It seems like emotions have a way of coming to the surface even when we cant/don’t directly acknowledge them. Wish I knew how to help there. My friend a problem bc that if she lets go everything will just come flooding out and never stop. Anyway.I hope you’re doing better now, poppy. 

[poppyfields]

47 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Re: the shaking. It seems like emotions have a way of coming to the surface even when we cant/don’t directly acknowledge them. Wish I knew how to help there. My friend a problem bc that if she lets go everything will just come flooding out and never stop. Anyway.I hope you’re doing better now, poppy. 

This is so true, I've been on the verge of everything flooding out for days, I wish it would just happen, or maybe it's best it doesn't, I don't know. 

I'm wracked with so many unresolved emotions about so many things that I've managed to shove down, not just about my ex.

If I have any advice for anyone, it's try your best to not do that and acknowledge your true emotions while experiencing them, not shove down, or misdirect, or over-react, otherwise they will come back and bite you in the arse when you least expect.

Thank you shortskirts. xo

Edited February 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[StrongHands]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

This is so true, I've been on the verge of everything flooding out for days, I wish it would just happen, or maybe it's best it doesn't, I don't know. 

I'm wracked with so many unresolved emotions about so many things that I've managed to shove down, not just about my ex.

If I have any advice for anyone, it's try your best to not do that and acknowledge your true emotions while experiencing them, not shove down, or misdirect, or over-react, otherwise they will come back and bite you in the arse when you least expect.

Thank you shortskirts. xo

Poppy, you are a strong, insightful, and perceptive lady.  You will find the strength to navigate these emotions with grace and dignity.  You can do it.

[Watercolors]

Poppy, I can explain your shaking symptoms. That's due to the adrenaline in your body, which triggers the fight or flight response when strong emotions are triggered. Hope you are feeling better while you stay in your hotel before your apartment is ready. 

In fact, look at your hotel stay, as a transition into your new life. It's both a literal and figurative transition point for you right now. Enjoy it, the neutrality is symbolizes. It's where you can recharge your batteries and gear up for your apartment move. 

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

If I have any advice for anyone, it's try your best to not do that and acknowledge your true emotions while experiencing them, not shove down, or misdirect, or over-react, otherwise they will come back and bite you in the arse when you least expect.

That is good insight, poppy!

As Shakespeare wrote "to thine own self, be true." As long as you speak your truth, it really doesn't matter what anyone else says. 
 

[Gaeta]

19 hours ago, poppyfields said:

This is so true, I've been on the verge of everything flooding out for days, I wish it would just happen, or maybe it's best it doesn't, I don't know. 

It took me a week to start crying. The book I am reading says it's normal it's a type of mechanism to protect ourselves, like to keep our energy to accomplish what needs to be done immediately,  it can last days, weeks, some even years. 

It's possible you're only capable to let it out once you're settled down in your new life. I'm thinking right now you're in transition and your brain knows it's not the best time for a melt down. 

[StrongHands]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It took me a week to start crying. The book I am reading says it's normal it's a type of mechanism to protect ourselves, like to keep our energy to accomplish what needs to be done immediately,  it can last days, weeks, some even years. 

It's possible you're only capable to let it out once you're settled down in your new life. I'm thinking right now you're in transition and your brain knows it's not the best time for a melt down. 

Well said Gaeta.  The OP is going through a lot at one time.  Change is often difficult for all of those whether it's relationship changes, career endings, or losing someone special.  I suppose we all deal with CHANGE differently.  I hope the OP feels better soon.  She seems like a person that has a great deal to give and someone quite special.

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, StrongHands said:

Well said Gaeta.  The OP is going through a lot at one time.  Change is often difficult for all of those whether it's relationship changes, career endings, or losing someone special.  I suppose we all deal with CHANGE differently.  I hope the OP feels better soon.  She seems like a person that has a great deal to give and someone quite special.

The OP? Lol  When did I become just the OP?😳😳

Just teasing, I don't think I've ever been called OP before!  

Anyway, thank you stronghands. 😆

Edited February 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[StrongHands]

On 2/6/2021 at 4:18 PM, poppyfields said:

This is so true, I've been on the verge of everything flooding out for days, I wish it would just happen, or maybe it's best it doesn't, I don't know. 

I'm wracked with so many unresolved emotions about so many things that I've managed to shove down, not just about my ex.

If I have any advice for anyone, it's try your best to not do that and acknowledge your true emotions while experiencing them, not shove down, or misdirect, or over-react, otherwise they will come back and bite you in the arse when you least expect.

Thank you shortskirts. xo

I think you are stronger than maybe even you realize.  

"Keep Moving Forward So The Road Behind Is Further Back"

[poppyfields]

Hey peeps, thanks for your posts and support.  Wanted to give you a quick update!

I am feeling TONS better today!  My shaking has stopped, which was the main thing, and I don't feel like I am on the verge of tears anymore, my spirits are good!  

I have not heard from Public Defender's office yet re the internship, I heard it takes a while, weeks or sometimes months. I had to fill out a very lengthy application and apparently working for the City involves much more than applying for a regular job in the public sector.

But it's all good.  I have not spoken with my ex, but I am no longer angry with him (or myself), everything happens for a reason, so I've made my peace with it and wish him well.

That said, I am sure I will still have my sad moments, but mostly right now I am really looking forward to being on my own, moving back to NY, reconnecting (in person) with good friends, starting school and basically starting a new life.

I hope my good mood sticks for a while!

Anyway, thanks again guys, peace and lots of love!  ❤️

 

 

[StrongHands]

27 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hey peeps, thanks for your posts and support.  Wanted to give you a quick update!

I am feeling TONS better today!  My shaking has stopped, which was the main thing, and I don't feel like I am on the verge of tears anymore, my spirits are good!  

I have not heard from Public Defender's office yet re the internship, I heard it takes a while, weeks or sometimes months. I had to fill out a very lengthy application and apparently working for the City involves much more than applying for a regular job in the public sector.

But it's all good.  I have not spoken with my ex, but I am no longer angry with him (or myself), everything happens for a reason, so I've made my peace with it and wish him well.

That said, I am sure I will still have my sad moments, but mostly right now I am really looking forward to being on my own, moving back to NY, reconnecting (in person) with good friends, starting school and basically starting a new life.

I hope my good mood sticks for a while!

Anyway, thanks again guys, peace and lots of love!  ❤️

 

 

This is good news PF.  It is certainly good to know that you are feeling better.  You have a great deal to look forward too.  YOU GOT THIS.  Just take it one day at time.  This isn't ANY STEP FOR A HIGH STEPPER......

[Gaeta]

I heard 2021 is a great year to change your life, embrace it poppy! In 2 months my brother and his wife (both 55) are retiring and sailing around the world for the next few years, then I got a call from a cousin around my age that decided to move from Canada to Costa Rica! Holy cow, makes me want to change life too! 

[poppyfields]

44 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I heard 2021 is a great year to change your life, embrace it poppy! In 2 months my brother and his wife (both 55) are retiring and sailing around the world for the next few years, then I got a call from a cousin around my age that decided to move from Canada to Costa Rica! Holy cow, makes me want to change life too! 

Thanks Gaeta! 

Wow, hadn't read that, about 2021 being a time of transition, interesting! 

Sailing around the world?  That sounds exciting!  I read a great book years ago written by a woman who sailed around the world with her husband and kids, they were from southern Cali where I currently live.  What a story! 

Anyway, thank you so much, I woke up feeling good again today. 👍

I never did cry, and don't think I will. Is that weird?  Not complaining although crying does feel good sometimes.

But the tears never came.

Edited February 9, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I never did cry, and don't think I will. Is that weird?  Not complaining although crying does feel good sometimes.

It's possible you never do, you had analyzed your relationship more than once and probably started the mourning process a while before your separation. I did not cry at all when I  left my 15 year marriage. It was like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 

[poppyfields]

 xxxxxxx  

 

 

Edited February 27, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

People just process things differently, Poppy. It doesn't necessarily mean that he didn't care for you, he may be hurting, and this is his way of easing the pain.

[poppyfields]

Thanks Alpaca, I know he loved me; it just seems so fast but you may be right.  

I've done same in the past so not faulting him. I don't know, I feel a mix of emotions, even jealousy.😳 

To those who didn't read my update, I will repost later after I unwind a bit.   But I discovered today my ex is talking to someone new he met on an app, and planning to meet her.

[Pumpernickel]

I’m sorry, this sucks. I think, for most of us, it’s true that even if we accept that a relationship is over, we still have some hidden, subconscious hope that somehow the relationship will get back on track. Finding out that the ex has another love interest kills that hope. It’s a real gut punch, no matter how sensible we were trying to be during the initial breakup. Sorry, poppy!

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 I discovered today my ex is talking to someone new he met on an app, and planning to meet her.

Sorry this happened. How did you discover this?

Are you two still talking?

Edited February 28, 2021 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

we still have some hidden, subconscious hope that somehow the relationship will get back on track.

It is not only about that, it is a bit galling to find that to some men, women are so easily and quickly replaceable...

[Pumpernickel]

33 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It is not only about that, it is a bit galling to find that to some men, women are so easily and quickly replaceable...

Yes, definitely. I have always been wondering how some people do it. Many people – after a serious LTR – are unable to date for a long time. 

Others, OTOH, they jump right in. Who has energy for that while processing a breakup? Weird. Unless they have checked out a while ago before officially ending it, maybe even starting a parallel R. Then it makes sense. Because in that case, the BU brings relief.

[FMW]

The thing is you don't know what he's actually feeling or thinking.  As we've seen on this forum, plenty of people start dating immediately but are still pining for their ex.  They want the distraction of getting attention from someone else, especially if they were the one who was dumped and didn't make the decision to end the relationship.  Trying to move on doesn't mean he's not hurting. 

We don't all handle loss and grieving in the same way. 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, FMW said:

The thing is you don't know what he's actually feeling or thinking.  As we've seen on this forum, plenty of people start dating immediately but are still pining for their ex.  They want the distraction of getting attention from someone else, especially if they were the one who was dumped and didn't make the decision to end the relationship.  Trying to move on doesn't mean he's not hurting. 

We don't all handle loss and grieving in the same way. 

This is true, in fact I myself have been known to "monkey branch," I did after my 6-year relationship ended in Dec 2015 while still very much in love with my ex at the time. 

I did it to take my mind off my ex, as a distraction.  In retrospect, totally unfair to the men I dated.  But many people don't think about that, they just want to feel better, even though it's only a temp fix, a band aid.

I know better now which is why I'm not jumping back in.  I need to introspect and do some soul searching which is what I'm doing now, it's painful! 

Anyway, @Wiseman2 a mutual friend told me yesterday (the girlfriend of one of my ex's guy friends).

I'm wondering now why she told me. I wouid prefer to not know what he's doing, and if I'm honest, my reaction yesterday came more from a place of ego than actual caring or harboring thoughts of reconciling.

Owning that as dysfunctional as it sounds.  It's like even though I ended it and moving on with my life, I'd prefer he be pining away for me, not wanting to date another woman for the rest of his life!  lol 😳

Well, not really, I'm being facetious, it's fine, and I feel better about it today.  

Was in a weird place yesterday, emotionally.

 

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

This is true, in fact I myself have been known to "monkey branch," I did after my 6-year relationship ended in Dec 2015 while still very much in love with my ex at the time. 

I did it to take my mind off my ex, as a distraction.  In retrospect, totally unfair to the men I dated.  But many people don't think about that, they just want to feel better, even though it's only a temp fix, a band aid.

I know better now which is why I'm not jumping back in.  I need to introspect and do some soul searching which is what I'm doing now, it's painful! 

Anyway, @Wiseman2 a mutual friend told me yesterday (the girlfriend of one of my ex's guy friends).

I'm wondering now why she told me. I wouid prefer to not know what he's doing, and if I'm honest, my reaction yesterday came more from a place of ego than actual caring or harboring thoughts of reconciling.

Owning that as dysfunctional as it sounds.  It's like even though I ended it and moving on with my life, I'd prefer he be pining away for me, not wanting to date another woman for the rest of his life!  lol 😳

Well, not really, I'm being facetious, it's fine, and I feel better about it today.  

Was in a weird place yesterday, emotionally.

 

Who knows why she shared that news with you. Her motive could have been out of genuine concern, or to stir up an emotional reaction from you because she has loyalty to your ex-fiance and doesn't like you. Who knows. I find that when people share third hand gossip with me that's about me it tends to come from a dark place on the sharer's end. There's literally no reason to gossip or share such news. When my relationships ended, I never stayed in touch and made sure to tell mutual friends not to act like a messenger to update me on my exes' activities. 

No one grieves the same way after a relationship ends, that's true. And it's also true as you pointed out, that people rebound aka monkey branch to help themselves emotionally recover from their recent breakup. Whether or not that's a healthy coping mechanism is up for debate. 

You have law school and your internship (if you got it) to look forward to. Always stay focused on the moment and don't dwell to long in the past. Perseverating is not good for the mind. Poet William Blake comments on dwelling and the memory, in his famous poem, Visions of the Daughters of Albion. Blake asks the question, "what happens to our long term memories?" and he also wonders, "is recollection the same as dwelling?" Something to think -- not dwell -- on. 

 

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

This is true, in fact I myself have been known to "monkey branch," I did after my 6-year relationship ended in Dec 2015 while still very much in love with my ex at the time. 

I did it to take my mind off my ex, as a distraction.  In retrospect, totally unfair to the men I dated.  But many people don't think about that, they just want to feel better, even though it's only a temp fix, a band aid.

I know better now which is why I'm not jumping back in.  I need to introspect and do some soul searching which is what I'm doing now, it's painful! 

Anyway, @Wiseman2 a mutual friend told me yesterday (the girlfriend of one of my ex's guy friends).

I'm wondering now why she told me. I wouid prefer to not know what he's doing, and if I'm honest, my reaction yesterday came more from a place of ego than actual caring or harboring thoughts of reconciling.

Owning that as dysfunctional as it sounds.  It's like even though I ended it and moving on with my life, I'd prefer he be pining away for me, not wanting to date another woman for the rest of his life!  lol 😳

Well, not really, I'm being facetious, it's fine, and I feel better about it today.  

Was in a weird place yesterday, emotionally.

 

I know you're exaggerating here, but I do think you meant what you said.  That's normal, it would be confirmation that you had a profound impact on him.  But in another sense, I think it would make you think less of him.  Instead, I think you should take him seeing other women (inferred from context) as proof that you chose wisely.  It demonstrates an abundant mindset, he values himself, which are both healthy traits, even moreso if he's actually hurting on the inside.  If he were locked in a room depressed or crying outside of your house, you'd probably think "how did I ever fall for this guy?"

Edited February 28, 2021 by dramafreezone