New divorce, still close

[Aslem]

I'm hoping to get perspectives on the situation with my ex wife, mother of our 2 year old son. We met over 4 years ago and have had alot of ups and downs but, at the core, we've shared a very intense connection. I secretly turned to drugs to cope and was arrested for DUI 4 months ago. She is a very clean and healthy person and was horrified by my use and the broke trust. In jail, she went back and forth about divorce, eventually filing in November. She said things like maybe we can get remarried one day.

I left jail after a month and went straight to a rehab and have been here 3 months now. At first, she called me daily and was full if anger, which I understand. As the anger subsided, she told me she had been talking to a guy from a dating app who lives 2 hours away. Two weeks later, she stopped talking to him. I was desperate, needy this whole time. It took her months to tell me it was over but she said "for now". Then she'll say forever.

 She knows how much shame and guilt I feel. She sees that I've changed, my attitude towards her, her mood swings. She's had my phone and finally sees that I was always faithful to her. She tells me she loves me, misses me. We came to an agreement on the divorce without bitterness. Since that agreement, I've felt so close to her. She's been picking me up from rehab once or twice a week. We've cried together, she's taken my hand to comfort me. We embrace with warmth. She admitted that she picked me up not just to see my son but for her to see me. She says she can see us dating other people and us living together one day. She talks about "if" she dates. "Maybe" the break up is forever. She asks if I'm talking to anyone.

She says (and I believe her) she's not dating. I don't ask but she knows I care. I'm starting to suppress the desperation that I feel. I'm grateful for our friendship but I love her so much and I can't help but want to share the rest of our lives together. We've both grown through this and, in many ways, I feel closer to her than ever. But I'm struggling with the idea of her dating and one or both of us shifting the dynamic. In my heart, I feel like there's a part of her that's open to exploring our connection and the possibilities of us. 

Because of our son, no contact isn't an option. I've asked her for space but she doesn't want that for us... and it feels good to hear that. I have fear on both sides: we stay close and if she dates, it we will collapse... and if we have space, we'll lose the connection we have and never get it back. 

Any thoughts or experience you guys have to share would be appreciated, thanks.

[trident_2020]

There's really nothing you can do to change the outcome. When possible, be calm, affectionate, responsive, caring, but never overbearing. Listen to her and try to meet her needs as best you can, and be the guy that she wants to spend the rest of her life with. It's an uphill battle at this point but that's all you can do.

 

[Aslem]

I appreciate your words trident_2020. Calm, affectionate, responsive, caring... CARC. That's something I need to remember and sometimes it's not easy.