Ex Boyfriend

[Cjhaturn22]

I was in a long term relationship of 7 years ago. We broke up 8 months ago and I currently live with her mom. 8 months ago during COVID-19 she went through depression from losing her job and I believe because she was with me daily for 3 months.

For years she was asking me to take therapy due to my trauma I experienced decades ago in my childhood that affected our relationship. I’ve neglected her request for so long and it pushed her to break up with me. She moved to Iowa to attend a school she graduated from years ago to pursue music 5 months ago.

About a month ago she came back for winter break and because moving out hasn’t been an easy option for me yet. We were living in the same roof for 3.5 weeks. During her stay here she’d compliment me on how I looked, ask for hugs or cuddles often, or wanted to hang out. Given because of COVID-19 I was the only person around and got confused with her actions.

On New Year Day I took her to her friends house to celebrate I was invited but because of the break up I felt uncomfortable being there so I stayed home. When I picked her up she was a bit drunk but, became touchy and would call me “love” or “wonderful”.

Not all of her interactions were nice some times she’d give  me constructive criticism about habits, became short with me for some trivial things, or say somethings to hurt me. I messaged her after she went back to Iowa about how I felt and she responded that she love’s me and how it’s not enough. She wants to thrive and be the best version of herself and wants to do the same if there’s a possible future for us.

I’m struggling to get past thoughts of us and want to keep my self distracted to do the best of moving on with my individual life. I made progress the first week of her being here and before she left I digressed to the point when she first broke up with me. I love her and value her friendship and still support her. I pay for her phone bill , she uses my streaming subscriptions, and I’m still living with her mother.

Is there a possibility that I can overcome this and we can get back together?! I know there might be more information and I’ll explain more if this isn’t much to go by.

Edited January 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs

[maggiemtn]

She already told you “it’s not enough.” This is code for you’re not the one for her.
 

If it’s possible to move out of her mother’s home, do so as soon as possible. Stop paying for her bills and move on with your life. You can already see how quickly you can regress back into a bad pattern and negative emotional state. You can’t be friends with someone you want to get back together with. It’s only going to hurt you and cause you a lot of problems in the future. 

[Wiseman2]

Yes. The first step is moving out either back home, your own place or a shared place.

Do you work full time? If money is an issue (doubt that's why you're living with her mother) get a side hustle.

With respect it's a bit creepy that you still live with her mother .

[Cjhaturn22]

Well, understand that last year we were about to get married and I just recently got a new career. Her mom wants me to be patient because she believes we’ll get back together. I moved out of state for her because that’s what we planned. I’m from Wisconsin and San Jose is expensive so I’m saving up until I can move out

[maggiemtn]

55 minutes ago, Cjhaturn22 said:

Well, understand that last year we were about to get married and I just recently got a new career. Her mom wants me to be patient because she believes we’ll get back together. I moved out of state for her because that’s what we planned. I’m from Wisconsin and San Jose is expensive so I’m saving up until I can move out

I had to move out to a friend’s house for a bit right after my breakup because I also moved to a different state for my ex. Now I am back home at my parents’ house until I figure out where I want to move next. Really anything is preferable to living with your ex or ex’s family. If it’s possible to go back to Wisconsin then do that while you decide what your next move is. 
 

It doesn’t matter that her mom wants you to get back together. Your ex made up her mind and that’s that. 

[Cjhaturn22]

30 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

I had to move out to a friend’s house for a bit right after my breakup because I also moved to a different state for my ex. Now I am back home at my parents’ house until I figure out where I want to move next. Really anything is preferable to living with your ex or ex’s family. If it’s possible to go back to Wisconsin then do that while you decide what your next move is. 
 

It doesn’t matter that her mom wants you to get back together. Your ex made up her mind and that’s that. 

 

30 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

I had to move out to a friend’s house for a bit right after my breakup because I also moved to a different state for my ex. Now I am back home at my parents’ house until I figure out where I want to move next. Really anything is preferable to living with your ex or ex’s family. If it’s possible to go back to Wisconsin then do that while you decide what your next move is. 
 

It doesn’t matter that her mom wants you to get back together. Your ex made up her mind and that’s that. 

Definitely not possible to move back for a couple of reasons. One being the reason why we broke up had something to do with my family and I’m not really on speaking terms with them. I just got a job/career with the post office and can’t transfer until 18 months. My ex hasn’t really been clear but you’re right I’ve been telling myself I need to move out as soon as I can. As far as her bills should I at least tell her “hey you need to pay your own bills” or just cut her off on my phone bill? The situation is sort of complicated because of our history. Like on Christmas I tried my best to keep my distance but, my ex wanted me to join them for the holidays. 

[Cjhaturn22]

1 hour ago, Cjhaturn22 said:

 

Definitely not possible to move back for a couple of reasons. One being the reason why we broke up had something to do with my family and I’m not really on speaking terms with them. I just got a job/career with the post office and can’t transfer until 18 months. My ex hasn’t really been clear but you’re right I’ve been telling myself I need to move out as soon as I can. As far as her bills should I at least tell her “hey you need to pay your own bills” or just cut her off on my phone bill? The situation is sort of complicated because of our history. Like on Christmas I tried my best to keep my distance but, my ex wanted me to join them for the holidays. 

Like she contacts me for things she doesn’t really need or stuff I don’t desperately need like some jeans she accidentally took. She wanted to mail them to me but, I’d not a big deal. She asked me for an electric shaver at like 1am that’s not really important to her.

[Wiseman2]

As long as you live there you're sending the message that you're at her beck and call 

 

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, Cjhaturn22 said:

As far as her bills should I at least tell her “hey you need to pay your own bills” or just cut her off on my phone bill? The situation is sort of complicated because of our history. Like on Christmas I tried my best to keep my distance but, my ex wanted me to join them for the holidays. 

It doesn't sound like she's being fair to you. But you don't have to play her game. Tell her she needs to make her own phone arrangements, then call the phone company and get her off your plan for the next payment period. Also make arrangements to move out and to financially disentangle yourself from her and her mom in all other ways.

And then you need to set additional boundaries. Tell her that since you're broken up, it's important to behave accordingly. You can't be receiving 1 am texts from her. You can't be going out together for holiday parties. And you can't be hugging or cuddling. Tell her you respect her decision to end the relationship, and that's why you mean to go through with these changes. Continuing with things as they are would make you feel like you were still together and that's not right for either of you.

I have no idea if there's any hope of you ever reconciling. I just know she seems to have demoted you from her fiance to an adoring puppy dog. That's your new role in her life, and you'll soon have the "pleasure" of watching her date other men while she pats your head dismissively and tells you "love is not enough." It's disrespectful for her to do this to you. If you let things continue as they are, your self-esteem will tank, and she will only disrespect you more. 

[Stromae]

From a lot of ways it seems like she’s treating you like a boyfriend but without the benefits of being her boyfriend 

From your current situation as it is today I don’t think you can get her back as she holds all the power and is risking nothing by things being as they are. How certain are you that she isn’t seeing someone from her school?

Although it’s more drastic I think the wise thing to do is to move out if at all possible and move on. As it is she hasn’t really experienced losing you because she knows you’re literally sitting right there ready and available. Until she faces the prospect of truly losing you she’ll continue to use you as she sees fit. It’s true that once you move on she may not come back, but it’d honestly be the best for you in the long run if that’s the case. However if she is going to come back the only way I can see is by you making a stand for yourself 

[Cjhaturn22]

42 minutes ago, Stromae said:

From a lot of ways it seems like she’s treating you like a boyfriend but without the benefits of being her boyfriend 

From your current situation as it is today I don’t think you can get her back as she holds all the power and is risking nothing by things being as they are. How certain are you that she isn’t seeing someone from her school?

Although it’s more drastic I think the wise thing to do is to move out if at all possible and move on. As it is she hasn’t really experienced losing you because she knows you’re literally sitting right there ready and available. Until she faces the prospect of truly losing you she’ll continue to use you as she sees fit. It’s true that once you move on she may not come back, but it’d honestly be the best for you in the long run if that’s the case. However if she is going to come back the only way I can see is by you making a stand for yourself.

Honestly I’m not sure if she is seeing anyone. She keeps talking about this girl Aviana who is 18 so she claims she is 18. My ex is 31 and is bisexual. She claims she is not attracted to someone that young but, I’m not so sure. I definitely need to move out as soon as I can. I just can’t up and leave like tomorrow so I’m going to save some money and eventually move out. It sucks because we started out as friends and now we’re like this in the end. I understand I deserve better than this and have to realize it’s over. This Friday is my birthday and she might contact me. I’m not sure if I should ignore it or answer. It’s a good thing she isn’t here right now because it would be harder to accept.

[notbroken]

You've got to find a way to move out.  Just not healthy to live there.   Drop the girl.  Being with her is torturing you.   Move on as fast and best you can. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to move out. It doesn't matter if her mom wants you to wait - you aren't dating her mom. 

Tell your ex she needs to start paying her own phone bill, and remove her from your account. After 7 years together, I would at least give her the heads-up before her phone gets cut off. 

I think she's outgrown the relationship and knows this isn't right for her. It's better that you recognize that too, so you can move out and begin to heal. 

[Cjhaturn22]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You need to move out. It doesn't matter if her mom wants you to wait - you aren't dating her mom. 

Tell your ex she needs to start paying her own phone bill, and remove her from your account. After 7 years together, I would at least give her the heads-up before her phone gets cut off. 

I think she's outgrown the relationship and knows this isn't right for her. It's better that you recognize that too, so you can move out and begin to heal. 

I suppose you’re right. I guess I’m confused because she still has our picture on her debit card from years ago she hasn’t changed it yet. I’m definitely reading in to it a bit much. I’m planning to move out as soon as I am able to 

[d0nnivain]

You have a job.  You don't need to be living with her mother any more.  It's time to get your own place 

This relationship has run it's course.  Whatever she's doing in Iowa at school, it's opening her world to new possibilities.  The guy back home doesn't hold a candle to the new adventures that await her. 

It's time to sever everywhere.  Give her some notice that you are changing the passwords on the subscriptions.  I'm sure she'll change the picture on her card as soon as it expires.   

[Cjhaturn22]

I can’t just up and leave next month! I pay rent and still have to search for a place. I’m not holding a candle for her. I left her alone for months and realize it’ll be easier when I leave. Considering it’s covid it's not that easy to find a place where I live. I have a few months to get a place so until then I’m stuck. Also she can change the picture anytime she wants. 

Edited January 18, 2021 by Cjhaturn22

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Cjhaturn22 said:

. I left her alone for months and realize it’ll be easier when I leave. 

That's ok. Just like any other rental situation keep searching ads for house shares, affordable rooms, apts, whatever.

Somehow it seems you like the perks of this like a substitute family, no?

Maybe that's your hesitation. If you stay with her mother you can hang on to that.

However don't you feel it's kind of a wierd situation? Most people don't want to live with thier own parents, no less be this cozy with an ex's family.

Reflect if you're resistance/hesitation has more to do with a cozy pseudo family life or this ex.

If you really wanted to you'd be out of there like a bat out of hell.

Edited January 19, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, Cjhaturn22 said:

I suppose you’re right. I guess I’m confused because she still has our picture on her debit card from years ago she hasn’t changed it yet. I’m definitely reading in to it a bit much. I’m planning to move out as soon as I am able to 

Yes, you're reading way too much into that. Things like that are fairly meaningless when everything else suggests the relationship is done. It's just another logistical issue to sort out, which will happen whenever she gets around to it. 

Now that you add that you pay rent to her mom, it makes a lot more sense that she doesn't want you to consider this done and over - because then she knows she's also losing a paying tenant and an extra source of income. 

Starting looking for another place now, and give her mom your notice as soon as you find somewhere. You cannot continue living there now that the relationship is over.