Introduction

[5YrPlanner]

HI there, I am new here.

 

Here's my story. After 2 years of no intimacy between myself and my husband, like not even hugs, I initiated a separation. I still love him, but that sexual feeling is kind of gone, and I'm having a hard time getting my mind back there with him. Even before that, the passion had really faded. Still, after nearly 20 years of marriage (we married young), I love him and he's my best friend. He's not happy about the separation, and I can tell odds are he's happier with a passionless marriage versus the thought of being single again.  

I guess I am wondering, has anyone ever gone through a dry spell of this length and come back from it? I know marriage isn't just about sex, but it's important to me. We'd talked about this a lot before and I've just gotten tired of trying to initiate, and I feel so strange being the woman who needs more.

 

[alphamale]

You and hubby need some serious therapy if you want to save the marriage. If not then you need to file for divorce...

[Wiseman2]

The roommates thing is common. He's coasting along complacently but you are not happy with that status quo.

Affection, sex, romance are important. Don't let his lassitude and inertia leave you in quiet desperation.

[ZiggyZaggy]

Hi, welcome to this forum. It's an interesting question.

My ex and I had been married for close to 20 years, currently separated, and sex was a major issue for us, only it was the other way around from your experience. I would have been perfectly happy as a "room mate" but he wanted/needed a lot more intimacy than I ever wanted. It's one of those things that, if we had taken more time to get to know each other before jumping into marriage (we didn't marry young, but we got engaged after just a few months... yikes!), we would have likely realized that intimacy was going to be an issue for us.  We knew early on that we had different needs, but it didn't seem to be a big deal at the time.  Hmmm... I think therapy can he helpful for some issues, for some couples, but only if BOTH people really want to make the same change. If only one person wants to change, or if both people are really fundamentally different, then there isn't much therapy can do, except help you both understand the others perspective and help you decide if that's the way you want to keep living, or if you're ready to separate/divorce.

I believe that, from what you said, you'll both need to do some serious soul-searching and make your decision. Do you both want to work really hard to save your marriage (which will likely involve a lot of compromises from one or both of you), or are you emotionally ready to move on?  I know it's possible for couples to divorce and remain friends, but that takes some time, healing, and a lot of emotional stuff to figure out how you both want to define your new relationship.  

Good luck with your decisions, I hope you find your own inner peace.

[5YrPlanner]

Thanks, everyone. Your comments help re-affirm my thought process around this. While I know therapy could be an option we tried it once at my insistence and it never really got "real" or solved anything because I think we both held back. Now I've just reached the point of exhaustion but am struggling to make that next big step to file divorce or initiate that conversation as I know it'll crush him. I appreciate the feedback. 

LizArt, sorry you're going through a variation of this as well. I could easily see how in the beginning of a relationship a disparity wouldn't be as obvious, but couple that with the usual slow down of fire in any relationship, and it would add up. I hope you both find your happy path, too. 

Edited January 19, 2021 by 5YrPlanner
additional note to add.

[emprosnet7]

On 1/19/2021 at 7:44 PM, 5YrPlanner said:

Thanks, everyone. Your comments help re-affirm my thought process around this. While I know therapy could be an option we tried it once at my insistence and it never really got "real" or solved anything because I think we both held back. Now I've just reached the point of exhaustion but am struggling to make that next big step to file divorce or initiate that conversation as I know it'll crush him. I appreciate the feedback. 

LizArt, sorry you're going through a variation of this as well. I could easily see how in the beginning of a relationship a disparity wouldn't be as obvious, but couple that with the usual slow down of fire in any relationship, and it would add up. I hope you both find your happy path, too. 

If everything else is ok in the relationship, it is a pity to end the marriage because of sex. There are sex therapists that could help, you should give it a shot.

[stillafool]

I just don't see how a sex therapist or anything else is going to magically make you start feeling passion towards your partner when it just isn't there anymore.  You'll just be going through the motions IMHO.

[emprosnet7]

What does a sex therapist do?

A sex therapist helps people with sexual problems.

Sex therapists are qualified counsellors, doctors or healthcare professionals who have done extra training in helping people with problems relating to sex.

Why do people have sex therapy?

Lots of people have a problem with sex at some point in their life. Some people can help themselves. For others, sexual problems can cause a lot of distress and unhappiness.

A sex therapist can help people with various sexual problems, including:

lack of desire

difficulty having an orgasm

pain during sex or inability to have penetrative sex

difficulty getting or keeping an erection (erectile dysfunction)

premature ejaculation or other ejaculation problems

For more information, read about male sexual problems and female sexual problems.

What happens in a sex therapy session?

A sex therapist will listen to you describe your problems and assess whether the cause is likely to be psychological, physical or a combination of the two.

Each therapy session is confidential. You can see a sex therapist by yourself, but if your problem affects your partner as well, it may be better for you both to attend.

Talking about and exploring your experiences will help you get a better understanding of what is happening and the reasons. The therapist may also give you exercises and tasks to do with your partner in your own time.

Sessions usually last for 30 to 50 minutes. The therapist may advise you to have weekly sessions or to see them less frequently, such as once a month.

How can I find a sex therapist?

If you have a sexual problem, it's a good idea to see a GP first as they can check for any physical causes. The GP can refer you to a sex therapist if they think it will help you. However, sex therapy is not available on the NHS in all areas, and an NHS clinic may only offer a limited number of therapy sessions.

You can also find a sex therapist privately, which you'll need to pay for. It's important to see a qualified registered therapist. Look for one who is a member of the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT) or the Institute of Psychosexual Medicine.

Organisations such as Relate also offer sex therapy for a fee.

Read the answers to more questions about sexual health.

[stillafool]

53 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

difficulty having an orgasm

pain during sex or inability to have penetrative sex

difficulty getting or keeping an erection (erectile dysfunction)

premature ejaculation or other ejaculation problems

I can understand a sex therapist being affective in helping with the above but if I have no desire to have sex with a person a sex therapist won't help.  Can I also get a love therapist to make me fall in love with someone.

[emprosnet7]

34 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I can understand a sex therapist being affective in helping with the above but if I have no desire to have sex with a person a sex therapist won't help.  Can I also get a love therapist to make me fall in love with someone.

In English some words are confusing and mean two different things, for example "Free" is used for "freedom" and "gratis" (free speech vs free beer).
The same goes for love. "In love" is different from "love" as the first is romance and the second is much deeper. So you can be "in love" for the first few years into the marriage but after many years the romance fades unfortunately. But love kicks-in and that means that the couple may not be "in love" anymore but there is love and that means that sex can exist in a loving couple even thought they are not "in love" as they were the early years.  

[stillafool]

Yes I know the difference between loving someone and being in love.  I know with my first marriage I had lost all sexual desire for my husband and no matter what we tried (including counseling) I could no longer feel any desire for him sexually whatsoever; but I still loved him as a good person/family.  

[ZiggyZaggy]

On 1/23/2021 at 10:45 AM, stillafool said:

I can understand a sex therapist being affective in helping with the above but if I have no desire to have sex with a person a sex therapist won't help.  Can I also get a love therapist to make me fall in love with someone.

I think it's a terrible situation to be in - When partners have wildly different levels of desire for sex, intimacy, interactions, whatever. 

In my experience it started feeling like I was going through the motions just to keep him happy. It was easier to go along with it all (sex, intimacy, interactions) than even consider ending the marriage. And yes, we did try couple's counseling to deal with this issue. But if I don't want to interact with him, then by creating superficial ways to forcing us to interact, just makes the situation worse. Honestly, that just totally sucked.  Without going into lots of detail, it's hard to explain the nuances of the situation. And now that we're not living together anymore, I don't even miss him or our interactions. I think that's fairly telling.  Sad, too.

5yrPlanner, it sounds like we have a similar experience. All I can say is good luck to you finding your own path that feels right for you in this messy and very emotionally complicated world.

[ctdans]

I am a bit confused.  Please don't take this the wrong way but I think I read you are not ready to go for the divorce or discuss that with your husband because it will crush him yet you went for the legal separation?  Here is the tricky part for me.  You separated over sex as in he doesn't want that as much as you and now you lost your desire for him.  Was the separation so that you can go out and have sex with someone other than your husband?  If so, won't that crush him as much or more than a divorce or divorce conversation?

I hope this isn't a "cake and eat it to" situation where you keep your husband around for financial support and companionship and then have your lovers on the side. 

Any kids?  If so what do they have to say.  If you were married almost 20 years any kids would be old enough to know what is going on and surely would have said something.