Constant crushes

[hotpotato]

Ive been single for nearly 5 years, and i've pretty much given up on dating, but I guess it has caused this issue. I always have a crush on someone. For awhile I only had crushes on celebrities. Now i have crushes on men who are closer to me. I have no intention of making a move. Maybe I couldve dated my previous crush had I acted a bit more interested. Frankly, I don't think Id be a good girlfriend right now or perhaps not ever. My current crush has a girlfriend anyway. He's like a manager at a local recreation spot, so I see him almost every week. I'll admit that having a crush on him is kind of fun, but I don't want it. 

Has anyone else experienced this? 

 

[littleblackheart]

Not since high school, no. At least not in the way you describe it.

If you want to get rid of that crush, try imagining him in the worst light  or start getting to know him a bit more just by chatting to him. You'll realise he's a flawed guy, a normal human being like any other that doesn't warrant the time and attention you give him.

Probably best to invest your time in trying to meet available men who will return your interest, or focus on more tangible things. 

[Weezy1973]

I think finding someone attractive in your day to day life is fine. But if you actually want more - like to date them - and you’re obsessing over someone you can’t have (which is the definition of a crush) then it’s problematic. Or if you’re living you life in fantasy rather than taking risks in real life, that can be a problem too.
 

I haven’t had a crush since high school and it was more like unrequited love. I wasted a lot of time on that and vowed never to do it again. If I was attracted to someone, I asked them out. And I never have been attracted to anyone unavailable since my high school crush...

[Foxhall]

good that you still are feeling the spark,

that you want to engage with guys, that you are feeling the erotic energy,

it would be more concerning perhaps if you were not feeling this interest.

I would have felt this way also in the sense no matter how bad of a run I was on with dates, I would be still thinking the next woman that randomly appeared in my life- "well might I have a chance here"

[dramafreezone]

Sounds like you're scared of being in a relationship or to actually date someone, so you're crushing on people who are unavailable.  Of course everyone has them now and then but if all of your interest is focused on people are unavailable, then that's an issue.  You're never going to be able to find someone you can really develop something with while focusing on crushes.

Edited January 18, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Ruby Slippers]

I think innocent crushes are pretty fun and harmless. Personally, I don't get very strong crushes until I meet someone I really like and see potential with. I have a minor crush on a guy at work. I've only interacted with him on video calls. I think he's so cute, nice, funny, great communicator, and when he complimented me on the hot pink lightning bolt earrings that went with my fun Halloween costume, I got kinda excited. He's probably married, but in my dreams someday we'll meet at work and he'll ask me out ☺️ I will never flirt with a guy at work, just chit chat and be nice. But it is kinda fun to imagine the possibilities...

[FMW]

Having little crushes is fun and good way to keep that inner spark going when you're not seeing someone.  As long as you don't want more and it's only bringing you happy thoughts I say crush away!

[littleblackheart]

15 minutes ago, FMW said:

Having little crushes is fun and good way to keep that inner spark going when you're not seeing someone.  As long as you don't want more and it's only bringing you happy thoughts I say crush away!

 I'm sure most of us are attracted to people that we can't always have occasionally, and yes it can be fun as long as they don't last long, and don't prevent you from taking actual action. Here the title suggests the crushes are constant; I guess it depends on how long the crushes last and the frequency.

 

On 1/18/2021 at 7:05 AM, hotpotato said:

I'll admit that having a crush on him is kind of fun, but I don't want it. 

Can you explain the bolded, @hotpotato?

[FMW]

3 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

and don't prevent you from taking actual action.

I agree.  My comment was based on the OP's self-assessment of not being in a good place for a relationship right now.  Eventually one of her crushes might make her realize she feels like getting back into the dating scene.  In the meantime, she can enjoy a little romantic fantasy.

[littleblackheart]

1 minute ago, FMW said:

I agree.  My comment was based on the OP's self-assessment of not being in a good place for a relationship right now.  Eventually one of her crushes might make her realize she feels like getting back into the dating scene.  In the meantime, she can enjoy a little romantic fantasy.

That's actually what happened to me so I agree, though I did end up making a very awkward move (lack of practice). It was unrequited but I'm still glad I did it for the reasons you stated. I was just going off the thread title and the fact the OP said she didn't want it 🙂.

[hotpotato]

On 1/18/2021 at 1:47 PM, Weezy1973 said:

I think finding someone attractive in your day to day life is fine. But if you actually want more - like to date them - and you’re obsessing over someone you can’t have (which is the definition of a crush) then it’s problematic. Or if you’re living you life in fantasy rather than taking risks in real life, that can be a problem too.
 

I haven’t had a crush since high school and it was more like unrequited love. I wasted a lot of time on that and vowed never to do it again. If I was attracted to someone, I asked them out. And I never have been attracted to anyone unavailable since my high school crush...

I agree that my dating life is mostly fantasy. 

On 1/18/2021 at 2:38 AM, littleblackheart said:

Not since high school, no. At least not in the way you describe it.

If you want to get rid of that crush, try imagining him in the worst light  or start getting to know him a bit more just by chatting to him. You'll realise he's a flawed guy, a normal human being like any other that doesn't warrant the time and attention you give him.

Probably best to invest your time in trying to meet available men who will return your interest, or focus on more tangible things. 

The more i talk to him, the better he seems. He's witty, and he rides a motorcycle, which doesn't hurt. He's like the general manager at a recreation spot, so i speak with him farily often. I have plenty of hobbies and even found what is essentially a second job, and I still have these crushes.

[hotpotato]

On 1/18/2021 at 4:16 PM, dramafreezone said:

Sounds like you're scared of being in a relationship or to actually date someone, so you're crushing on people who are unavailable.  Of course everyone has them now and then but if all of your interest is focused on people are unavailable, then that's an issue.  You're never going to be able to find someone you can really develop something with while focusing on crushes.

I didn't know he had a girlfriend at first, and he's only been with her for 2 months. It seems like most people get snatchec up. I don't go to places for specifically for singles, so i meet mostly guys who are taken. I most like wouldnt make a move on him even if we were both single.

5 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

 I'm sure most of us are attracted to people that we can't always have occasionally, and yes it can be fun as long as they don't last long, and don't prevent you from taking actual action. Here the title suggests the crushes are constant; I guess it depends on how long the crushes last and the frequency.

 

Can you explain the bolded, @hotpotato?

I don't really like having crushes or any kind of feelings, but i can't stop it comepletely. The crushes are invigorating, but i dont want them. I know that sounds weird.

[littleblackheart]

19 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

I know that sounds weird.

A little, yes 🙂. If it doesn't impact your life overall, let it phase out naturally until you find someone better to crush on, or someone to actually date in real life.

[LuckyM]

I wonder why they are called crushes. No one is crushed. I hope not!  Yeah I have had many crushes even among celebrities who are not alive. But if you think about them too much is not healthy for yourself. They will suspect you like them

[Alpacalia]

On 1/17/2021 at 11:05 PM, hotpotato said:

Has anyone else experienced this? 

 

I had a crush on my dental hygienist but it was fleeting. Especially after he saw me with a cracked tooth from a hairline fracture 😳.. I think crushes are fun to have, until they aren't.

[hotpotato]

9 hours ago, LuckyM said:

I wonder why they are called crushes. No one is crushed. I hope not!  Yeah I have had many crushes even among celebrities who are not alive. But if you think about them too much is not healthy for yourself. They will suspect you like them

I dont know, they can be pretty crushing! I hope he doesnt suspect that I have a crush in him. I'd be very embarrassed. 

~~~~~~

I do admit that I have a fear of being in a relationship. I'd need a lot of therapy to date again. Plus, I dont know how or where I'd squeeze a man into my life. 

[Cookiesandough]

Having been one of those people who always has crushes, whether it be a real person, or a celebrity there is no real person fits the glove, , I feel this.

And I think a lot of it comes down to being idealistic and also crushes being a relatively harmless, albeit somewhat masochistic fun. Crushing is very easy to do, requiring little to no work, and the fantasy can be an enjoyable reprieve, although a little tortuous, and I think a lot of people like that. They like the idea of what they can’t have more than what they can have.

So they are very easy to fall into, difficult to fall out of. It can be a little bit painful at times when you see it for exactly what it is — a fantasy. It is most likely the case that no man you get with will compare to this guy you’ve idealistically assigned as amazing in your head and he will also not be that forbidden fruit.  Times where I have eventually got with a crush  , I lost interest because I realize that he is not the idea I had in my head. He’s his own person with his own autonomy, thoughts, flaws, etc who Iikes me. And probably more than I like him. 
 

Unfortunately , the only remedy to crushes I have found so far is to just get another. And another. On and on until hopefully we grow out of this. 

Edited January 25, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 1/19/2021 at 6:48 PM, hotpotato said:

 

I don't really like having crushes or any kind of feelings, but i can't stop it comepletely. The crushes are invigorating, but i dont want them. I know that sounds weird.

Why don't you want them?

And, no, I don't think it sounds weird. I don't want to have crushes on someone unless I know he's interested in me, either. I'd rather channel my emotional energy in a direction where it'll be fruitful.

That is not to say it's bad to have a crush because I'm sure some crushes are answered by the crushee at some point and a happy couple is the result. I'd just rather have some indication of the possibility of a successful relationship developing before getting into (thereby in my case, nurturing pleasurable emotions that could grow and probably will dead end) a crush situation.

 

[Interstellar]

i don’t have crushes anymore. it is what it is.

[hotpotato]

On 1/24/2021 at 8:59 PM, LivingWaterPlease said:

Why don't you want them?

And, no, I don't think it sounds weird. I don't want to have crushes on someone unless I know he's interested in me, either. I'd rather channel my emotional energy in a direction where it'll be fruitful.

That is not to say it's bad to have a crush because I'm sure some crushes are answered by the crushee at some point and a happy couple is the result. I'd just rather have some indication of the possibility of a successful relationship developing before getting into (thereby in my case, nurturing pleasurable emotions that could grow and probably will dead end) a crush situation.

 

For me having crushes is torturous. It can feel good, but it's also uncomfortable. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, hotpotato said:

For me having crushes is torturous. It can feel good, but it's also uncomfortable. 

If you’ve had a dysfunctional childhood, crushes give you a safe fantasy world where you can be loved, but the torture likely comes because in your mind you’re not lovable.

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

For me having crushes is torturous. It can feel good, but it's also uncomfortable. 

I get it and agree.

[MihiranCG]

On 1/18/2021 at 12:35 PM, hotpotato said:

Ive been single for nearly 5 years, and i've pretty much given up on dating, but I guess it has caused this issue. I always have a crush on someone. For awhile I only had crushes on celebrities. Now i have crushes on men who are closer to me. I have no intention of making a move. Maybe I couldve dated my previous crush had I acted a bit more interested. Frankly, I don't think Id be a good girlfriend right now or perhaps not ever. My current crush has a girlfriend anyway. He's like a manager at a local recreation spot, so I see him almost every week. I'll admit that having a crush on him is kind of fun, but I don't want it. 

Has anyone else experienced this? 

 

"Frankly, I don't think Id be a good girlfriend right now or perhaps not ever" - First thing you've to rewire.. 

[hotpotato]

18 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

If you’ve had a dysfunctional childhood, crushes give you a safe fantasy world where you can be loved, but the torture likely comes because in your mind you’re not lovable.

Well, I've had a lot if bad dating experiences. Pretty much everytime I date someone, I get dumped. So I dont bother dating anymore.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Well, I've had a lot if bad dating experiences. Pretty much everytime I date someone, I get dumped. So I dont bother dating anymore.

It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. If you don’t feel like you’re worthy of being loved, you’ll either behave in ways that repel people, or you’ll be attracted to people that aren’t capable of loving.

Edited January 30, 2021 by Weezy1973