Are you separated/divorced with kids? Care to share your experience with custody schedules?

[Blind-Sided]

14 hours ago, ZiggyZaggy said:

All I wanted to know in my original post was:

What schedule do you have for your teens moving between parental houses? And does it work for you, why or why not?

Sure.  But you are in the "Separation and Divorce" section.  So... there is the assumption that you are "Separated" or "Divorced".  The issue is... you aren't either.  You may not be living together... but you aren't LEGALY separated.  If you were... there would be a base custody agreement that would have been drawn up by the courts/lawyers.  So please don't try to turn this. We are trying to help based on the forum section you posted in.  For you to be in the right with what you are TRYING to say... it should have just posted in the family section.

But regardless... we are on your side, and want to help.  And that help starts with you getting legal control over the situation. 

16 hours ago, ZiggyZaggy said:

Right now it looks like I'm in favor of kids switching every week, but everyone else prefers every 2 weeks. 

I want what's best for my kids. I want what's best for me. I don't know the answers. I am in this moment an emotional wreck.

We all need peace, tranquility, predictability, stability.

I have my kids with me right now.  We are on a week on/off schedule.  I just asked my youngest... and she thinks 2 weeks would be strange. And honestly... I'm glad she answered like that. (We are all home for online school because of COVID)   To me... 2 weeks would just allow the kids to get WAY to use to a parent who lets them get away with whatever they want.  

We know you are in a bad place emotionally... we have all been there. That's not going to end until you get some control back.   I was crushed, and couldn't eat.  I would randomly cry in places a grown man shouldn't be crying. But, once I knew there was no fixing it... I started to be OK.  And the day the exW walked out of the house, and handed me the key... it was like a switch clicked in my head.  I was on the road to recovery.  You don't live together... but ALL YOUR PROBLEMS are still there because you aren't legally separated or divorced.  Get that done, and you will heal.  Not to mention... your agreement will list exact times, and days the kids will be transferred. (including holidays, and special events)  If he is not doing it... then you have the ability to call the police, and contact the courts.   But on that note... don't let it bite you in the butt.  My oldest kid hated her mother for what she did.  Not the divorce... but how cruel she got, and using the local abuse center to try to rip us apart. So, my oldest kid refused to go with her mom.  So, one night... the exW called, and threatened to send the Sheriff out, and have me arrested.  All this did was make her kid REALY not want to be with her mother.  I simply told the exW that when the sheriff got here... I would invite him in... and let him talk to my daughter, and he could make the choice on if a 14 yo should stay in the house that is happy... or be forced to go to a mother who was being hysterical.  I also told the exW to just give it a little time, and our oldest will eventually be OK.  Well... she didn't.  We eventually got taken to court by the Abuse center lawyer, and the it started with the judge talking with our daughter privately.   Then we were all in the courtroom, and we got yelled at like the Judge was our mom. (She was the same judge who signed the agreement)  but then... she ripped into my exW about how she is treating our daughter, and how all the bad things she is trying to say about me will bite her in the a$$ if they keep getting around. (The exW actually told our daughter she would become my slave if she stayed with me)   Even after the court date... I told the exW I would abide by our agreement... but I would not enforce it... and she needed to rebuild the relationship with our daughter.

Anyway... you can be the "Bad Guy"... but do not start to threaten your children.  But, to me... it doesn't sound like that's where you are at.  To me... when your kids (both boys?) are with dad... it's a bunch of guys hanging out, and doing what they want.  And that's why they like it there.

So... with that all said... of you want a week on/off... then get it drawn up.  Pick a day that you want the transfer on... and put it into motion.

Ans an FYI... my transfer day is 5pm on Sunday.  BUT, I really don't like it, and the kids don't really like it either.  The problem is... it kills a weekend.  We wind up sitting around on Sunday, and just waiting for 5pm to roll around.  I think  Monday, after school would be a better time.  That way, you can plan weekend trips, and don't have to worry about getting back early.

I wish you peace in moving forward. 

Edited February 1, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[hippychick3]

16 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

So... with that all said... of you want a week on/off... then get it drawn up.  Pick a day that you want the transfer on... and put it into motion.

Ans an FYI... my transfer day is 5pm on Sunday.  BUT, I really don't like it, and the kids don't really like it either.  The problem is... it kills a weekend.  We wind up sitting around on Sunday, and just waiting for 5pm to roll around.  I think  Monday, after school would be a better time.  That way, you can plan weekend trips, and don't have to worry about getting back early.

I wish you peace in moving forward. 

Our switch day has been Friday evening, and I really regret that. My daughter and I both would have preferred a Thursday switch. Friday felt like part of the weekend and if we wanted to go away for a weekend, we couldn’t leave until Saturday morning. It also sucked for my daughter to have to pack to leave at the end of a long week of school. It wasn’t until a couple years after the divorce that we wanted to change it, but my ex refused to change it. I’m sure because he knew it would benefit me since my fiancé and I were long distance for awhile. He didn’t care that our daughter wanted the same. 

[Blind-Sided]

@hippychick3 I agree... Friday would be bad too.   In my case... I have talked to the exW about moving the day, and she kind of agreed... but ultimately... she said "No."  Honestly... I think it was just a power struggle kind of thing (Her making a choice over something I requested)... but with COVID... it's almost irrelevant right now.   But, we have been civil, and flexible with the exact time. (I'm fine if they are running late, or if they need to come back early for some reason)  Even at Xmas... I was fine with the kids going to their mother's house as soon as they wanted. (I wasn't watching a clock, and holding to any set times) Personally... now that our oldest will go back and forth... I'm ok with whatever the kids would like.   The nice thing with our custody agreement is... there is a section at the end that basically says... "Any change to the agreement that all parties agree on, will become legal, and allowed."    So... if the exW and I decide to change the day to Monday... it will become "Legal" without needing to go back to the Judge. I'm not sure if that's a standard thing... but I think it should be added to any agreement.

Edited February 1, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Harry Korsnes]

Weĺl then i think im the lucky one. Both my daughters lived with me for perioden of time, with weekend visitas to theyre mother.

[ZiggyZaggy]

On 1/31/2021 at 6:38 PM, hippychick3 said:

I will tell you that my kids thrived with the every other week agreement because my ex and I didn’t put our kids in the middle. They also liked that they had equal time with both of us. It felt “fair” to them as we are both good parents to them. My ex and I made adult decisions ourselves (with a mediator with some of the details), and the kids did amazingly well with the structure and routine we put in place for them. My oldest are now successful adults (mentally, emotionally, and financially) who look back and have nothing negative to say about their experiences post-divorce. It’s up to the parents to set up those parameters which is why a mediator might be helpful in order for you and your ex to agree. 

Thanks for sharing your positive story, that's very encouraging!

[ZiggyZaggy]

On 2/1/2021 at 8:31 AM, Blind-Sided said:

Sure.  But you are in the "Separation and Divorce" section.  So... there is the assumption that you are "Separated" or "Divorced".  The issue is... you aren't either.  You may not be living together... but you aren't LEGALY separated.  If you were... there would be a base custody agreement that would have been drawn up by the courts/lawyers.  So please don't try to turn this. We are trying to help based on the forum section you posted in.  For you to be in the right with what you are TRYING to say... it should have just posted in the family section.

But regardless... we are on your side, and want to help.  And that help starts with you getting legal control over the situation. 

I have my kids with me right now.  We are on a week on/off schedule.  I just asked my youngest... and she thinks 2 weeks would be strange. And honestly... I'm glad she answered like that. (We are all home for online school because of COVID)   To me... 2 weeks would just allow the kids to get WAY to use to a parent who lets them get away with whatever they want.  

We know you are in a bad place emotionally... we have all been there. That's not going to end until you get some control back.   I was crushed, and couldn't eat.  I would randomly cry in places a grown man shouldn't be crying. But, once I knew there was no fixing it... I started to be OK.  And the day the exW walked out of the house, and handed me the key... it was like a switch clicked in my head.  I was on the road to recovery.  You don't live together... but ALL YOUR PROBLEMS are still there because you aren't legally separated or divorced.  Get that done, and you will heal.  Not to mention... your agreement will list exact times, and days the kids will be transferred. (including holidays, and special events)  If he is not doing it... then you have the ability to call the police, and contact the courts.   But on that note... don't let it bite you in the butt.  My oldest kid hated her mother for what she did.  Not the divorce... but how cruel she got, and using the local abuse center to try to rip us apart. So, my oldest kid refused to go with her mom.  So, one night... the exW called, and threatened to send the Sheriff out, and have me arrested.  All this did was make her kid REALY not want to be with her mother.  I simply told the exW that when the sheriff got here... I would invite him in... and let him talk to my daughter, and he could make the choice on if a 14 yo should stay in the house that is happy... or be forced to go to a mother who was being hysterical.  I also told the exW to just give it a little time, and our oldest will eventually be OK.  Well... she didn't.  We eventually got taken to court by the Abuse center lawyer, and the it started with the judge talking with our daughter privately.   Then we were all in the courtroom, and we got yelled at like the Judge was our mom. (She was the same judge who signed the agreement)  but then... she ripped into my exW about how she is treating our daughter, and how all the bad things she is trying to say about me will bite her in the a$$ if they keep getting around. (The exW actually told our daughter she would become my slave if she stayed with me)   Even after the court date... I told the exW I would abide by our agreement... but I would not enforce it... and she needed to rebuild the relationship with our daughter.

Anyway... you can be the "Bad Guy"... but do not start to threaten your children.  But, to me... it doesn't sound like that's where you are at.  To me... when your kids (both boys?) are with dad... it's a bunch of guys hanging out, and doing what they want.  And that's why they like it there.

So... with that all said... of you want a week on/off... then get it drawn up.  Pick a day that you want the transfer on... and put it into motion.

Ans an FYI... my transfer day is 5pm on Sunday.  BUT, I really don't like it, and the kids don't really like it either.  The problem is... it kills a weekend.  We wind up sitting around on Sunday, and just waiting for 5pm to roll around.  I think  Monday, after school would be a better time.  That way, you can plan weekend trips, and don't have to worry about getting back early.

I wish you peace in moving forward. 

Actually I am legally separated and have been for almost 2 years, according to my state's laws. Just to be clear about that.

Again, thanks for the comments. And also thanks for asking your kid about 1 wk vs. 2 wks. Cool that they like the 1 week. And I totally agree about a Sunday transfer killing the weekend. I'm not sure Monday after school would be any better, honestly, it just kills whatever day it's on (the transfer). IMO

 

[Blind-Sided]

19 hours ago, ZiggyZaggy said:

Actually I am legally separated and have been for almost 2 years, according to my state's laws. Just to be clear about that.

Again, thanks for the comments. And also thanks for asking your kid about 1 wk vs. 2 wks. Cool that they like the 1 week. And I totally agree about a Sunday transfer killing the weekend. I'm not sure Monday after school would be any better, honestly, it just kills whatever day it's on (the transfer). IMO

 

OK.  If you are legally separated... then why isn't there any legal agreement with how to deal with the kids? 

In my state... the exW and I had to be "Separated" for 90 days from the time the paperwork was filed, to the time the divorce was granted.  But......... Legally...... All we had to do is live in different parts of the house.  While that is within the rule of the law... it isn't really a "Legal Separation."  But, in my case... mom and dad were both in the same house, and we could still deal with the kids together.  With you... you are in 2 different houses, and the relationship is in limbo.   And that brings me to my next thought......

WHY WOULD YOU BE SEPERATED FOR 2 YEARS IF YOU KNOW IT CAN'T BE FIXED?

Obviously, I don't know you and your exact situation.  But, for me... when I knew there was no fixing things... and knowing how crazy my exW got... I wanted it to be done !!  The divorce was 100% her idea, and her needs.  But the day my lawyer said the paperwork was done, and they were sending out... I said... "I'll be at your office in 15 minutes to sign them."  I didn't want to wait the extra 3 or 4 days to mail them to me, and for me to mail them back. 

All of your stress, and all of your issues will only start to dissolve with finishing what was started.  And that includes a custody agreement that is legal and binding.