Could I be attempting to hysterical bond with WH?

[QTpie123]

I posted here around a few months ago. 
 

I have since told WH I wanted a divorce. At first he was angry and mad. He lashed out at me and said some very hurtful things that affected me for days after. Then he acted like nothing happened in those days after and was very nice...more than was needed.

I feel like he verbally abused me then realized he went to far and tried to make up for it. 
 

Any way I cried Uncontrollably for two days after that fight-was more of him lecturing me and talking at me as I chose to just listen and not fight. Even after this I was able to deal with the fact that I was leaving this man. 
 

Well he’s been hot and cold since then and I understand that. But this past weekend we seem to have fallen back into our easy banter and got along so well. It reminded me of how we were when we first got together. We are so very compatible. And as crazy as it sounds it HURTS.

all day Friday and most of the day Saturday I kept thinking “maybe he and I could divorce but still be friends with benefits”. Or even better “how could I convince him to forgive me for overreacting over his indiscretions and get him to take me back. I mean this is how we are supposed to be right?!”  There were even the “this is all my fault. I caused everything. I’m a horrid person i would be lucky if he took me back” I knew these thoughts were crazy but I couldn’t figure out why they were happening now?

I started crying Saturday  at my son’s basketball game i also looked at my WH at this game and thought wow he is so handsome I’d love jump his bones. I had to go to the bathroom to compose myself. Then on the way home I couldn’t stop tearing up. By the time we got home I was so worked up I ended up in my bathroom (the guest bath) sitting on the floor bawling. I wanted to go to my husband and beg him to forgive me and take me back. I was amazed by this thought because I knew deep down THAT was NOT what I really wanted. But my emotions were so strong it was hard to not do this. I composed myself the best I could and went to the front of the house to clean. H saw my eyes and asked if I was ok I said not really he immediately said “I’m so sorry”and i started ugly crying and had to go to my room ( guest room) and he followed me. He didn’t knock on the door or ask if he could come in. He just came and sat near me-I told him I didn’t want him touching me several months this ago. I was crying so hard I started hyperventilating. He just kept saying how sorry he was and that we didn’t have to get a divorce. I didn’t respond to any of this-for one I couldn’t if I wanted to. He did touch my knee and rub and squeeze it while I was crying. 

Eventually I calmed down and I hugged him  it was the first time we had touched since August  I immediately regretted it. I guess I wanted comfort from him but instead I ended up comforting him as he cried because I hugged him. The hug felt foreign and unnatural to me almost like I was hugging my brother.

one of my friends told me to read up on hysterical bonding so I did. While I’m not in the category of trying to sleep with hiM constantly I do feel as if maybe this is what is happening to me to some degree. I spent 4-5 months rationally going over what happened in our marriage, watching WH to see if he was really working on fixing things and I was attending therapy both MC and IC.  I didn’t come to the decision to divorce lightly. So why would I be doing this now?  Why  I trying to sabotage myself here?! Anyone here been through this? What did you do to get yourself out of this where you could see clearly again?  How long did it take?

I did read that hysterical bonding happens with infidelity.

 

Edited January 19, 2021 by QTpie123
ETA link to first post about affair

[Negotaurus]

I have no helpful advice or suggestions, I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you.. One way or another, it will get better. Be patient and be kind to yourself. Wish you healing.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. It seems like if you brush things under the rug, he acts decent. Is that what you want?

[QTpie123]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. It seems like if you brush things under the rug, he acts decent. Is that what you want?

I do not want to brush things under the rug. I did that with his PA in 2016 and have wondered if I had acted differently if he would have continued to pursue the EA he was in at the time of telling me about his PA or if he wouldn’t have emailed the other lady offering to pay for sex on top of his EA. 
 

I feel like I am to blame for his affairs since I had one 16 years ago. I have to keep reminding myself that according to his OW his PA started soon after we were married and lasted till 2016. While in that he was in an EA from 2014-2020. I did not force him to do any of this. This was his choice. Like my affair was my choice. It was also my choice to NEVER do that again and I haven’t strayed while he hasn’t seemed to stop. 
 

I want to be respected and heard/listened to and I don’t feel rug sweeping will give me the marriage I am looking for. 

[sandylee1]

Could by HB...but so much has happened in your marriage. All these affairs...he doesn't seem to respect you. 

Getting angry as he did agree him being unfaithful isn't a great way to go.

Perhaps not being married is best and if you end up ad FWBs...use protection. 

Good luck 

[Starswillshine]

It sounds like the reality of this relationship really ending is starting to hit home. It is one thing when the pain is new, fresh, and raw, but when it comes down to it months down the road, it is HARD. 

I am long divorced, and while I have a decent relationship with my ex-husband, the love is long gone... but I did tear up reading your post. I was there once, I know that feeling. The hurt and damage is there, but there is good in the relationship. Ultimately though, while maybe some days you can forget the betrayal.... it never goes away. 

Hugs!