Being ghosted after a big first date I spent a lot of money on

[Soulinfected]

Hi there!

I just wanted to go somewhere to talk because I don't want to talk about this with any of my mates. I am male, 37 and I met a lady on Tinder we had more in common with than I've ever met before. The first night we chatted about a lot of nerdy stuff we both are really in to, and then we even talked on the phone for close to an hour. Two nights later we met at a wine bar - shared a bottle of wine and a couple of prosecco's each with some snacks, and then I invited her for a cocktail at another bar and she agreed. I mentioned I will grab the bill, and she didn't offer to split the bill or thank me for paying. We went down the road and had a cocktail each and chatted some more; after we finished I got that bill as well (obviously, was my invite) and walked her to where she got a scooter home. I kissed her, and she did not give me the cheek which I thought was a good sign. She then said she would message me when she got back from her 80km hiking trip which should have been yesterday (Monday, five days later). I didn't hear from her and so I flicked her a short message asking how her trip was and haven't heard back after over an hour. This is not that long I know but she usually responds really quickly. 

Now, I'm pretty sure if she does respond it's not going to be good and I already feel really bad as I thought we really hit it off. The date last week came to $174 NZD and I would NEVER suggest that entitled me to anything. But I would think there would at least be an appropriate message after the date or even the next day to say "hey it was nice meeting you, but I'm not interested in dating further?" instead of leaving me hanging for days - potentially ghosting me? Come to think of it, she didn't even thank me for paying for the date. Do I sound unreasonable?

I don't like mentioning money because I have a lot of disposable income, I just thought it's worth mentioning, because if a woman paid that kind of money on a date for me, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I said I will message her at X time, not follow through and then ghost. 

I feel like I may be sounding self entitled; I dunno. I'm just really upset about being rejected I guess, this one really sucks..

Edited January 19, 2021 by Soulinfected

[Legatus]

The details about the check suggests that you do feel like you're entitled to something, which you confirmed by saying you had an expectation of the "appropriate" message. The thing is that the other person doesn't see it that way.

The extra drinks, the kiss, those were good signs that she was having fun but it would be presumptuous to think it's more at this stage. 

You don't sound unreasonable. You just have your specific needs that might not be met by everybody you meet. You think it's a given that somebody thanks you for picking up the check. As much as I agree with you, I don't expect it. I also don't think it's the part of like/don't like here. I would still thank somebody for something even if I didn't want to date them, but that depends on the personality rather than liking the other person.

Rejection always sucks but you made the effort to send a message and now it's up to her to contact you..

[Lorenza]

Never spend that much money on a first date. It's enough grabbing her a coffee. Don't go all in for a stranger, especially expecting that their thankfulness and appreciation will grant you an answer the next day. If you want to spend money on someone anyway, you should be prepared for not hearing from them afterwards. It's kind of the same when a woman sleeps with a guy on a first date - if she made that choice, she can't really complain if the outcome isn't what she wanted, as she was a willing participant in the sex. No one forced you to spend money. (And I'm not saying that it's not wrong, that your date didn't even reply with an appreciative message, but people are like that and you will be disappointed if you allow yourself to trust them to react to certain things in certain ways) 

[Soulinfected]

Thanks for your responses. I guess, maybe she felt good at the time and let the date go on instead of cutting it after a drink, but probably met someone else she liked more over the weekend. I guess that's how it goes with dating apps.

[Soulinfected]

46 minutes ago, Legatus said:

The details about the check suggests that you do feel like you're entitled to something, which you confirmed by saying you had an expectation of the "appropriate" message. The thing is that the other person doesn't see it that way.

The extra drinks, the kiss, those were good signs that she was having fun but it would be presumptuous to think it's more at this stage. 

You don't sound unreasonable. You just have your specific needs that might not be met by everybody you meet. You think it's a given that somebody thanks you for picking up the check. As much as I agree with you, I don't expect it. I also don't think it's the part of like/don't like here. I would still thank somebody for something even if I didn't want to date them, but that depends on the personality rather than liking the other person.

Rejection always sucks but you made the effort to send a message and now it's up to her to contact you..

The problem I have mainly is, she made me wait five days for her to get in contact for nothing. Instead of just saying she wasn't interested. That's five days of me in absolute suspense, then get ghosted when I send a follow up after waiting. Pretty bad form in my opinion, considering the effort I put in. If that's "OK" for todays standards then well, I don't know what to say.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened, especially when you hit it off with someone.

In this case, all you can do is see if she contacts you. In the future, don't drink no less go bar hopping on a first date.

Not only is it expensive, you could say or do things that look sloppy. Keep it brief -coffee. Be in control.

Make the second meet a real date.

[Legatus]

2 hours ago, Soulinfected said:

The problem I have mainly is, she made me wait five days for her to get in contact for nothing. Instead of just saying she wasn't interested. That's five days of me in absolute suspense, then get ghosted when I send a follow up after waiting. Pretty bad form in my opinion, considering the effort I put in. If that's "OK" for todays standards then well, I don't know what to say.

It's not okay for you, and it's not okay for me either. But some people who ghost tend to explain it to themselves that silence is better than turning you down.. honestly, I can't get on board with that but we can't change them. 

I think next time you'll know to adjust your expectations. Don't overspend, don't expect the same contact until you have some real connection, though even then it's never a given..

Wiseman2 said it well - keep it brief, cool, and in control..

[Blind-Sided]

From where I sit... you do feel entitled because of the money... and to be honest... I guess I Would too.  But, you need to understand, that with OLD... that is the norm.  Some people aren't really looking for a relationship... they just want to "Date" and have a good time.  And that's what she got.  A nice guy who spent $$$ on her, and she is moving on. 

I agree with @Wiseman2 here.  With OLD, just go grab a coffee, and talk.  You will weed out the people just looking to "Date". 

[Goodguy05]

I made this mistake once but the girl went crazy on her dinner and said she would pay and never did I was pissed in the end we didn't even really have a connection. So I said to myself who cares if I'm male next time I'll lay some boundaries and expectations down if there gonna order lobster I won't have any issues letting them know I'm not paying f*** Chivalry no stranger is worth that much trouble 

[Andy_K]

Whatever you spend on a first date should be considered a write-off, no matter how well it goes. People get busy or date others or change their minds. If you aren't cool with spending that much on a date with someone you might not see again, do something cheaper.  Chances of seeing that person again dramatically increases from even the second date onwards, so wait a little before spending more, or split the bill early on.

Also, if she neither offered to pay anything or thanked you for paying, you should probably consider yourself fortunate if you don't see her again.

[d0nnivain]

It's certainly not OK but it does seem to me more common than you would think.

1st meets off OLD are NOT dates.  They are meetings to decide if you want to go on a date.  They should be short  &  cheap.  You learned an expensive lesson. 

Limit your next OLD 1st meeting to 1 drink.  From there you decide if you want the longer interaction

[elaine567]

The problem here is that you set up the narrative. You went to a wine bar, you suggested you would pay the bill, then you suggested the cocktail bar, she followed your lead and no doubt expected you would pay again as you suggested you go there.
It was your suggestion, your treat...
Then comes the bit where she decides if she wants to see you again and it is a no.
She let you pay as maybe she couldn't have afforded the bill, or she didn't want to pay money for a person she by that time had decided was a NO.
Maybe she ghosted as she felt guilty or she was scared you would demand the cash from her, or she just wasn't interested at all in any more contact with you. Who  knows?  
You tried to impress by taking her to an expensive place, it didn't work, so you are sore.

Next time stop at the wine bar. If you want to play the game of trying to impress women by going to expensive places, then you cannot expect them to foot the bill for you.
 

[introverted1]

Don't spend a lot of money on a first meeting with a stranger unless you are prepared to write it off.  You have no idea what her character is (seems it's pretty shoddy - did she even text you when she got home to thank you?), and there are enough flakes and users to make ghosting far more common than it should be.

 

[Shining One]

Been there, done that. As other have suggested, keep the early dates cheap until you're relatively certain she's going to stick around. I usually wait until after sex before I start taking women to more expensive venues.

[Be Cool]

Make this a lesson learned:

No matter how wealthy you really are. Never, ever, spend "a lot of money" on a first date. You should go out and date more women. 

[Fletch Lives]

Well, you went bar hopping because you were hitting it off, and that can add up. Dating is expensive. 

Give it some more time and see if she responds.

[smackie9]

So you got really excited about this one...I get it, you were having a great time with her. Sadly she didn't feel it, oh well. She can't be that bad or she would have accepted a few more expensive dates before ghosting am I right?

You know for next time to keep it inexpensive, and observe if she graciously thanks you, offers to extend the date or whatever. You got this. Best of luck on the next one!

[Versacehottie]

I haven't read all of the other responses BUT what I would say is why are you tying the amount of money or the fact the it was a large amount (to you) with the fact that you were ghosted? Those are two separate events.  We should either be talking about the generalized: "why was I ghosted?"  or "how to I spend differently on dates?".   The events are only being intertwined by you.  I think that indicates you do feel that a certain expenditure entitles you to "something" in this case a response.  I would be wary of any guy who was transactional about what he spent on dates, contributed to stuff.  That's something you need to sort out in your head IMO because it's not a good look or feeling.

Secondly an HOUR?!??!?! OMG, that's not quite evidence you are being ghosted.  Wow!  While you might be ghosted subsequently, you need to give a little more leeway than an hour!  Here's what you need to keep in mind as you plan your dates and navigate the aftermath of dates (even those that you can consider "good" ones): at the beginning things are so very fragile.  They can go south for 100 reasons.  She might have not liked the way you breathe.  Honestly, people are very fickle at the beginning and you have no idea why, what etc will make up their decisions to continue or not.  All you should keep in mind is that percentage-wise, there is a good chance they might not continue.  You should invest on date one AS IF that is a total possibility---including spending as if you might never see this person again.  What would that look like to you?  One drink? Two?

Thirdly, if she was so rude as to not offer to split or pay at the second bar--why do you really care if she doesn't respond?  You can't single out a negative trait that you deem as basically not ok with you and still want your "investment" in her to pay off.  Pay attention.  Just because you put money into this effort doesn't mean it should pay off.  Perhaps you should consider any first date money invested as EXPLORATORY investment rather than an investment into a potential girlfriend or continued dating.  It's exploratory for YOU to find out if she is worthy of continued dating.  So you spent $174 to find out not really if you are paying attention and care about how she conducted herself money-wise on the date.  I'd argue that you don't know each other well enough to fully understand why she didn't offer to pay or be objective about how that part really went down but since you are the type that keeps score--I think she's not for you.  It's already given you a bad taste in your mouth.

Lastly, I think you should only spend on any date, especially a first date what you would feel comfortable spending.  I think you should only suggest things for the first date where the cost won't go beyond your means or what you would feel comfortable spending AS IF nothing will come of the date and you must pay the whole thing.  Then you won't be disappointed, at least financially, with what happens.  I find it odd that if you have the financial means that you are upset about the money part--makes me think you are a guy who keeps score financially or that you are worried she is using you for money or liked you initially just because of money or you led with money.  Perhaps keep money out of the equation and take the next girl for something low key and see if she likes you for you and that you won't get bent out of shape by how much you spent.

I don't think you are being totally unreasonable BUT you are not really fully taking responsibility for your expectations or taking just normal generalized OLD/first date facts into account with your thinking process.

*ps I think you fell into the trap that a lot of people do where they get overly excited by a profile and pre-date chatting rather than the person in front of you.  Once you meet in real life things can go any which way so just keep that always in mind and manage your expectations of where things will go.  

[Mrin]

Easy now Tex. There are about a million reasons why she hasn't texted you back - the most obvious being she lost her mobile on her 80 km hike. I lost my phone on day 1 of a 4 day kayak trip in mid text convo with a lady I was dating. Give it a day or two. Stuff happens.

[Ruby Slippers]

Sorry you got ghosted. I think it's poor manners to simply disappear on someone who hasn't done anything offensive. The polite thing to do would be to let you know she's not feeling the connection, good luck, etc.

I agree that it's not a good idea to spend a lot of money on a first date unless you don't mind spending it on a fun evening regardless of your company.

I agree that you should keep the first date lower-key, but I don't agree that a coffee date cuts it. I learned that men who invited me out for coffee weren't serious, so I don't accept coffee date invites. A lunch or dinner date communicates that you're looking for something with more depth. A nice but simple spot is fine, something like a small neighborhood restaurant.

Personally, I always offer to split the bill. They always refuse, but I think most men appreciate the offer.

Edited January 19, 2021 by Ruby Slippers

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Next time, don't spend so much on a first date. On the other hand, don't be cheap and only grab coffee. A moderately priced meal that you can talk over is sufficient. 

That being said, it doesn't matter if you flew her to Paris for the date--she is not obligated to have any further contact with you. Maybe you did or said something that turned her off. Maybe you didn't look like your pictures. Maybe her ex came back. Maybe there's an illness. Who knows...

[Lorenza]

9 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Next time, don't spend so much on a first date. On the other hand, don't be cheap and only grab coffee. A moderately priced meal that you can talk over is sufficient. 

 

Buying moderately priced meals on first dates can quickly add up if you're actively dating. A coffee for a complete stranger is enough imo and it's not being cheap. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Ghosting happens. Really when you spend money on a first date, your thinking needs to be, "we may not get together after this." You only want to spend that amount of money if YOU want to, and if the conversation is that good and you're in the mood for spending. You spend like that only because you're enjoying this one night. You don't want to ever spend that amount of money as part of advancing things. Doesn't work. I know: we guys get socialized into thinking it works. It doesn't. 

Five days. She has the right to think about things. 

But I'll tell you the secret here. Time to learn it brother. I learned it the hard way. Someone into you WOULD CONTACT YOU IMMEDIATELY and tell you what a fantastic time they had. I don't care if they have a scheduled flight to the Space Station two hours after the date ended, they will contact you immediately and gush! Gush about the good time they have and how much they really look forward to seeing you.

So her saying she would message you later was the sign that things didn't spark with her. When we really like someone, we cannot help ourselves but to send a message saying we had a fabulous time. We're bubbling over. If I can calmly tell someone, "I'll contact you in five days," that's more of a friendship. Means I had a decent time, but did not feel any real spark. 

Now to back up once more, dude, you only keep spending if she is borderline giddy and so are you--on the date. I'm going to say you guys were having pleasant fun. That itself is a sign that you're not really connecting on a romantic level. A good romantic date should be borderline giddy, ecstatic. without you working hard at all. OK, here's the sign: the only time I have extended a date that long is when we were all over each other, touching and holding hands and kissing on the cheek throughout the date--after a half-way point in a date. That you had to wait to "kiss" at the end was a sign that things were not clicking. 

Update the software, brother. You still seem to be "waiting." Dude, she is not interested. And frankly, I'm betting you are not that interested,--you just don't know how to read your own signals. 

 

Edited January 19, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Mrin]

As for the investment part... I get you. I almost always took my first dates out to a cocktail and usually a nice dinner. I'm a foodie. And I always picked up the bill. 

Here's the thing - if you focus on an outcome of the date then naturally you will feel at worst used or at best unwise if the date it doesn't progress into something more. What I did was go into each first date with the only expectation that I would have a good conversation. That's it. Period. Just a good conversation. I'm pretty good at vetting women and so I was never disappointed - always had a good conversation. And I never felt used or duped regardless of what came after. Anyhow, something to think about.

[Calmandfocused]

Op, I sympathise with your situation (and agree with previous posters) but I have a couple of niggles here that you may find useful to reflect on: 

 

Do you usually drink that much alcohol on a first date? You must have drank a bucket load for the bill to be that high. 
 

Let me tell you;  if I drank as much alcohol as you stated in your op, I’d be drunk out of my mind!  I’d struggle to remember the finer details of my date with you, hence  I’d find it difficult to make an accurate assessment of how well we did/ didn’t click. 
 

Having a first date whilst being heavily under the influence of alcohol is not a good idea IMO for both parties. Have a coffee next time. That way you’ll get a true sense of who your date is/ what they’re about. Plus it’s cheaper! Much cheaper! 
 

Secondly, did you text your date the same evening after the date (or the next morning) to tell her that you had a great time? Waiting 5 days is risky. It’s plenty of time for the disconnect to set in. 
 

Next time,  make sure you remind your date that you exist by making contact soon after the date. 
 

Put this one down to experience.