Being ghosted after a big first date I spent a lot of money on

[Allupinnit]

4 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

No matter how little or how much he spent, a first-date is an investment in the other person.  If OP had an enjoyable night, wouldn't it stand to reason that he'd want to see the woman again?

There's plenty of women out there who enjoy dating for dating's sake.  They'd very quickly not enjoy it if they were the one's who were funding the date.

OP probably won't spend as much next time on a date and OP's emphasis on how much he spent on said date has totally overshadowed the fact that this woman used OP for a good night out and hasn't (yet) had the decency to even respond to him.

Also frustrating is to have sex with a man on the first date and not hear anything afterward, or get the slow fade.  I'd rather pay for my own date than wake up the next morning with another online notch in my bedpost from a man I'll never hear from again.  Don't care if he paid for a steak dinner.

[Trail Blazer]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

But you're saying that if he spends money on the date he's owed something.  At least sex or a second date or it's a loss.  So?

I never heard this much belly-aching over paying for a date from the men I dated, nor from the one I married.  If it's become such an issue then keep the dates cheap.

Let me make it crystal clear; I know I'm not owed anything in life, by anyone.  I know what I want out of life and, in general, I've managed to do that in ways that haven't wronged anyone else.

When I was dating my objectives were multifaceted; I'd happily date for a bit of fun and a hook-up.  Or, if I found someone who was relationship material, I'd entertain that notion, too.

Either way, whether I'd find myself in a relationship, an FWB arrangement or even a ONS, each and every instance would have been considered a success because it involved either not being ghosted, or, at the very least, sex.

Did I have a 100 per cent strike rate when dating?  Absolutely not!  I had many dates where either I, or the other person, didn't wish to pursue anything further.  Did I still have fun on the date?  Yeah, I guess so.  However, was it a success?  Well, no... not really!

Having said that, I've never been ghosted after a first date, ever!  In fact, I've turned down second dates with girls because I just wasn't feeling it, but I wasn't ever going to go down the path of second dates just to have sex with them because that's not what I'm about.

The point here is that OP really liked the girl and OP was ghosted.  Why would OP consider that a success when he wanted more than just one date?  If OP didn't enjoy the date then he wouldn't want a second date, which then would have rendered being ghosted redundant.

It's the same as asking you if it was still considered a successful date if you had a ONS with a guy who ghosted you afterwards with the emphasis being on the good time you had and not your future expectations. 

OP's date got what she wanted out of the transaction and has now gone AWOL in a very similar vein as to what a guy who uses a woman for sex would do once he's derived his fun from the exchange.

[Allupinnit]

But I think it's disingenuous to say that she "got what she wanted."  She didn't ask him to spend all of that money.  And if she had reached out and said she wasn't feeling it, she would have been wrong for that, too.  Rejection sucks, and it happens to all of us.

Look - nobody wants to feel "used" after a date.  But that's what our culture has lent itself to.  Marriage, which you could argue is the ultimate goal for most people, is driven successfully by self-sacrifice and racing to the back of the line for your spouse.  It's hard to make that switch when everyone around you is just trying to come out on top.  Tit for tat.  Keeping score.  

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Unless he got sex out of it, the majority of men would say yes, a big waste.

We don't generally fund expensive dates to still end up going home with Rosie Palmer and her five sisters and then get ghosted whilst considering it a success.

This is why going expensive on the first date is problematic in the first place.  The rate of first date sex is not high, even with men who are really good with women.

I don't have a problem with the idea of an expensive date.  I just consider it to be a girlfriend thing.

[peach302]

On 1/19/2021 at 5:56 AM, Soulinfected said:

Hi there!

I just wanted to go somewhere to talk because I don't want to talk about this with any of my mates. I am male, 37 and I met a lady on Tinder we had more in common with than I've ever met before. The first night we chatted about a lot of nerdy stuff we both are really in to, and then we even talked on the phone for close to an hour. Two nights later we met at a wine bar - shared a bottle of wine and a couple of prosecco's each with some snacks, and then I invited her for a cocktail at another bar and she agreed. I mentioned I will grab the bill, and she didn't offer to split the bill or thank me for paying. We went down the road and had a cocktail each and chatted some more; after we finished I got that bill as well (obviously, was my invite) and walked her to where she got a scooter home. I kissed her, and she did not give me the cheek which I thought was a good sign. She then said she would message me when she got back from her 80km hiking trip which should have been yesterday (Monday, five days later). I didn't hear from her and so I flicked her a short message asking how her trip was and haven't heard back after over an hour. This is not that long I know but she usually responds really quickly. 

Now, I'm pretty sure if she does respond it's not going to be good and I already feel really bad as I thought we really hit it off. The date last week came to $174 NZD and I would NEVER suggest that entitled me to anything. But I would think there would at least be an appropriate message after the date or even the next day to say "hey it was nice meeting you, but I'm not interested in dating further?" instead of leaving me hanging for days - potentially ghosting me? Come to think of it, she didn't even thank me for paying for the date. Do I sound unreasonable?

I don't like mentioning money because I have a lot of disposable income, I just thought it's worth mentioning, because if a woman paid that kind of money on a date for me, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I said I will message her at X time, not follow through and then ghost. 

I feel like I may be sounding self entitled; I dunno. I'm just really upset about being rejected I guess, this one really sucks..

Don't go all out on a first date with someone. 

 

[winny]

On 1/18/2021 at 10:56 PM, Soulinfected said:

Hi there!

I just wanted to go somewhere to talk because I don't want to talk about this with any of my mates. I am male, 37 and I met a lady on Tinder we had more in common with than I've ever met before. The first night we chatted about a lot of nerdy stuff we both are really in to, and then we even talked on the phone for close to an hour. Two nights later we met at a wine bar - shared a bottle of wine and a couple of prosecco's each with some snacks, and then I invited her for a cocktail at another bar and she agreed. I mentioned I will grab the bill, and she didn't offer to split the bill or thank me for paying. We went down the road and had a cocktail each and chatted some more; after we finished I got that bill as well (obviously, was my invite) and walked her to where she got a scooter home. I kissed her, and she did not give me the cheek which I thought was a good sign. She then said she would message me when she got back from her 80km hiking trip which should have been yesterday (Monday, five days later). I didn't hear from her and so I flicked her a short message asking how her trip was and haven't heard back after over an hour. This is not that long I know but she usually responds really quickly. 

Now, I'm pretty sure if she does respond it's not going to be good and I already feel really bad as I thought we really hit it off. The date last week came to $174 NZD and I would NEVER suggest that entitled me to anything. But I would think there would at least be an appropriate message after the date or even the next day to say "hey it was nice meeting you, but I'm not interested in dating further?" instead of leaving me hanging for days - potentially ghosting me? Come to think of it, she didn't even thank me for paying for the date. Do I sound unreasonable?

I don't like mentioning money because I have a lot of disposable income, I just thought it's worth mentioning, because if a woman paid that kind of money on a date for me, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I said I will message her at X time, not follow through and then ghost. 

I feel like I may be sounding self entitled; I dunno. I'm just really upset about being rejected I guess, this one really sucks..

Have not read the whole thread.. but based on the original post - yes ideally a well mannered woman would at least thank you verbally or through text for any dinner and or drinks etc a man paid for. Its normal to not like when someone does not even acknowledge your effort. Having said that, one should keep expectations very low on a first and date and not spend loads of money .. a simple coffee date is ideal. So then if you feel there is a connection then you can spend more on second/third date. Take this as a learning and also find cheaper dating activities. If she responds back at some point, stay cool and respond cordially. If u decide to meet again, spend less and evaluate if lacking basic manners is a pattern with her or an one time thing. 

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

OP's date got what she wanted out of the transaction and has now gone AWOL in a very similar vein as to what a guy who uses a woman for sex would do once he's derived his fun from the exchange.

eh, I wouldn't presume she wanted free drinks, or even sex from the date (it was tinder after all).  maybe she just wasn't into him...so presumably they both didn't get anything that they may have initially been hopeful about in the date.

They were probably both hopefully that it would lead to wanting to be around the other person (physically, emotionally even).  Sometimes it just doesn't work out like that.  She could be also disappointed that she didn't feel more chemistry with him.

He can and should manage his expectations and spend what he feels like is within his means to throw away on exploratory stuff knowing it can go either way. 

I personally as a girl wouldn't have minded--even if I didn't like the guy--spending $174 to explore the opportunity and talk to a nice guy, even if there wasn't a spark.  I don't know if I would have spent the amount of time that he did if I already knew I didn't like him like that but if it took $174 and 4 drinks each to figure it out and make a new friend, that's fine.

I think some people weigh transactions much more heavily than others do.  I'm sure somewhere there is so guy boo-hoo'ing about paying for a drink for me (even if I offered to pay, even if he declined, even if I said thank you). It's kind of easy to tell which people calculate this way.

I have been in business situations where it's obvious who should pay, and that is much worse IMO because it's not exploratory.  It's dictated by etiquette or who is superior, if you were forced onto the work event or if someone needs business from you.  Some people will just try to get away what they can.  This is much more of a grey zone IMO, dictated more by dating norms.  

The girls that I know who offer to split the bill on date one, having only had one drink or a coffee, do that because they don't feel a connection or don't want to feel an ounce of guilt about it.  Lol, so maybe OP should be careful of what he wishes for.  I do agree as the date progressed she should have offered to chip in something.  But we don't know how the OP presented himself.  If he led with his money--he even made a point to tell us that $174 was well within his means--then you reap what you sow.  And that is probably part of the reason he found himself in that situation. 

Personally, while I don't disagree with the type of date he took her on, the amount he spent or that he paid, I think his expectations were out of line considering it was a date from tinder. That's way more libel to go any which way than from another app.  You don't even know if the person is looking for a relationship so why take them on something super date like.  But bottom line, if he was attracted to her, this type of date was how he/they liked to have fun, no matter where he found her it's a suitable date.  He just needs to know that with whoever, however much he spends, whatever was discussed beforehand, things could be different once you spend time together in person.  I don't think it was excessive but that's a subjective thing.  I think OP would be complaining if he spent half that and therein lies the problem.  He tried to impress by doing things he wasn't comfortable with and now he's complaining.  What he did or didn't do was completely within his control though.  And he should control it as if the money will be thrown out the window whatever he contributes.  I guess the real question is what is that number to him?

[winny]

On 1/19/2021 at 1:17 AM, Soulinfected said:

The problem I have mainly is, she made me wait five days for her to get in contact for nothing. Instead of just saying she wasn't interested. That's five days of me in absolute suspense, then get ghosted when I send a follow up after waiting. Pretty bad form in my opinion, considering the effort I put in. If that's "OK" for todays standards then well, I don't know what to say.

After 1 date.. she doesn’t owe you a full on explanation that she is not interested. Not even after 2-3 dates if all you did is some kissing. You need to control yourself on spending so much money on date 1 and having so many expectations. Also, we dunno what exactly is preventing her from responding.. so no point blaming her. I wouldn’t even call this ghosting. 

[dramafreezone]

35 minutes ago, winny said:

After 1 date.. she doesn’t owe you a full on explanation that she is not interested. Not even after 2-3 dates if all you did is some kissing. You need to control yourself on spending so much money on date 1 and having so many expectations. Also, we dunno what exactly is preventing her from responding.. so no point blaming her. I wouldn’t even call this ghosting. 

For all we know, he could've been in good shape until he texted her.  She knows that she told him that she'd text her.  I know women that have said they pull back to see if the guy will begin texting.

Maybe if he'd told her he'd text her then that'd be ok, but once you agree to her texting you I think you have to stick to it.  Maybe she was just busy and was about to get to him but then he texted, and now she thinks "ugh, he's just like every other guy."  The bigger issue with it is that every woman has had a "stalker" type of guy interested in her, and this is how it starts.  Even if he's not that type of guy, she could just conclude that it's not even worth the risk.

Whereas if the OP had not texted, maybe she starts to think hmmmm, I wonder if he met someone else, and it raises her attraction.  My bottom line is stick to whatever plan of communication you agree to after the date.

Edited January 20, 2021 by dramafreezone

[SumGuy]

On 1/19/2021 at 12:56 AM, Soulinfected said:

... Come to think of it, she didn't even thank me for paying for the date. Do I sound unreasonable?

I don't like mentioning money because I have a lot of disposable income, I just thought it's worth mentioning, because if a woman paid that kind of money on a date for me, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I said I will message her at X time, not follow through and then ghost. 

I feel like I may be sounding self entitled; I dunno. I'm just really upset about being rejected I guess, this one really sucks..

It's not about the money yet your thread title mentions it and you do as well.   The money is a part of it for you, and that is not so much unreasonable but unattractive to a lot of people...especially if you have a lot of disposable income.   Short answer, yes it sounds entitled.

Now getting down because it seemed to go so well and you are now ghosted, yah that sucks.  Not cool if you had spent a penny or a $1000 NZD.  Also not uncommon.

[ZA Dater]

On 1/19/2021 at 7:56 AM, Soulinfected said:

Hi there!

I just wanted to go somewhere to talk because I don't want to talk about this with any of my mates. I am male, 37 and I met a lady on Tinder we had more in common with than I've ever met before. The first night we chatted about a lot of nerdy stuff we both are really in to, and then we even talked on the phone for close to an hour. Two nights later we met at a wine bar - shared a bottle of wine and a couple of prosecco's each with some snacks, and then I invited her for a cocktail at another bar and she agreed. I mentioned I will grab the bill, and she didn't offer to split the bill or thank me for paying. We went down the road and had a cocktail each and chatted some more; after we finished I got that bill as well (obviously, was my invite) and walked her to where she got a scooter home. I kissed her, and she did not give me the cheek which I thought was a good sign. She then said she would message me when she got back from her 80km hiking trip which should have been yesterday (Monday, five days later). I didn't hear from her and so I flicked her a short message asking how her trip was and haven't heard back after over an hour. This is not that long I know but she usually responds really quickly. 

Now, I'm pretty sure if she does respond it's not going to be good and I already feel really bad as I thought we really hit it off. The date last week came to $174 NZD and I would NEVER suggest that entitled me to anything. But I would think there would at least be an appropriate message after the date or even the next day to say "hey it was nice meeting you, but I'm not interested in dating further?" instead of leaving me hanging for days - potentially ghosting me? Come to think of it, she didn't even thank me for paying for the date. Do I sound unreasonable?

I don't like mentioning money because I have a lot of disposable income, I just thought it's worth mentioning, because if a woman paid that kind of money on a date for me, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I said I will message her at X time, not follow through and then ghost. 

I feel like I may be sounding self entitled; I dunno. I'm just really upset about being rejected I guess, this one really sucks..

 Inherently what you have just found here is the "throw away" nature of dating in the modern age.  Unfortunately because there is so much choice available for women they do not need to ever explain why so its best to simply move on and forget about her. I reckon by doing this she just showed you what sort of person she really is so perhaps you were fortunate.

The solution really is a cheap coffee date and nothing more, look at tinder as a shop and your outlook will change.

[ZA Dater]

How much money you spent really is not relevant I have spent tons on dates in 20 years with actually no relationships ever arising from them, if ROI is what you are after I suggest other investments are a better idea. 

Ghosting gets worse with choice, do you really think as much ghosting happens when people meet via mutual friends, I do not think so.

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

How much money you spent really is not relevant I have spent tons on dates in 20 years with actually no relationships ever arising from them, if ROI is what you are after I suggest other investments are a better idea. 

Ghosting gets worse with choice, do you really think as much ghosting happens when people meet via mutual friends, I do not think so.

Well of course not.  When you're meeting through mutual friends you have social proof first of all.  A friend of hers also thinks you're a pretty good person, so you've been pre-approved, just like you're pre-approved for a credit card.  You're deemed as a higher quality applicant because someone she trusts inherently vouches for you.  Social proof is huge.

A date without social proof is like the approval process when you apply for credit.  For whatever reason he was not deemed creditworthy, so she moved on.  Or maybe she just had a little bit better offer and she may come back around.

Ghosting is just a part of the game.  You just have to accept it and move on to the next.  Think of it as her loss.

Edited January 21, 2021 by dramafreezone

[chillii]

What are you doing spending money like that on someone you don't even know anyway that's just stupid but eh , you say you earn plenty anyway , so who cares.

As far as all the other talk of guys expecting something when they've paid for a meal or whatever , that thinking's always seems just so damn kinder garden primitive cave man to me even being male l still can't believe guys would be dumb enough to even think that kinda bs. lf l met a chick and shouted dinner l'd call it an insult to my intelligence not to mention pride , if she thought that crap just bc l shouted. lf l was gonna buy a woman guarantee she'd and the fun l'd be having would be a few notches above whomever it was sitting on the other side of the table and l wouldn't be sitting through that bs to do it.

Edited January 21, 2021 by chillii

[Pumaza]

Well maybe you met to soon. Beside many on lockdown feeling lonely and just want a good time.

If you met someone you really into i dont think you would be like this about what you paid.

It do sound weird..like you paid to gain from it.....

Not nice if she ghosted you after a nice time.But also having alcohol can make people send mixed feelings. 

Maybe next time atleast talk for few months,before meet.

I thought dates are with someone you really like. And not with  everyone you find cool on thinder. That gonna cost you alot of money also if you do.👀😄😄✌🏽