Being ghosted after a big first date I spent a lot of money on

[dramafreezone]

It looks like the thoughts on this vary widely.  I don't believe in spending a lot of money on a first date.

You don't even know this person.  You don't know if you'd like her.  Your emotional investment in her should be low, so keep your monetary investment low so that you don't end up feeling what you feel right now.

Honestly it can come off as if you're trying too hard, or that you're trying to impress her.  That should not be the goal of a date.  Next time just meet for drinks, and see if you even like her.  If the chemistry is not there, it's easy enough to just cut the date short.  A woman that's really into you won't care that it's just drinks, she'll just want to get to know you.

Also I think the principle of escalating is important.  How can you escalate from an expensive dinner?  A privately catered dinner?  A flight to Tahiti?  You're setting expectations way too high at first.  Just make the first date about you and the girl and not so much on the venue, just my opinion.

Edited January 19, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Allupinnit]

Just also want to add, if you had a good time with her, even if it didn't pan out, was it really a waste?  

[Perdu]

@Soulinfected I think that who's paying the bill on a date is different from one culture/country to another, so that issues must be addressed first. 

In my country (somewhere in Europe), it is customary for the guy to invite and pay for the date and this is not considered as a form on entitlement, no matter how the date goes or how much money is being spend. Though I am a woman, I insist for paying my share of the bill, but sometimes the guy seems offended by it and I let him pay. However, I know from my male friends that they get frustrated if they spend a lot of money and get "nothing" out of it, not even a text, so I understand your point of view. So, even they want to impress on firsts dates, most of them consider going to just one place, with mid range prices, where they suggest coffee or drinks, instead of going to something upscale or diner. Some even suggest a first date that is even cheaper, like going to a museum/park/a walk on the beach and this is something acceptable.

As for the being ghosted, I don't think there is a corelation between how much you spend and the quality of feedback (or lack of) you receive.  I usually don't ghost and if I do, it's because I felt very annoyed or uncomfortable at the date and that can be something very hard to establish by the other person, especially on first dates. That being said, there are people that send the wrong signals at dates , even if they may enjoy the date, that doesn't necessarily mean that they would go on a second date.

I don't know why other people ghost, from what I've heard, it's because it's easier than giving a response that might lead to an unpleasant conversation,.

It's not clear for me if she did not reply at all or seen any of your messages, so I am not sure if she even ghosted you. Maybe she wants to take some time (a loong time) before responding in order not to feel that she's so easy to "conquer." Or, God forbid, maybe something unfortunate happened to her  in her hicking trip (I was set on a date with a guy that not only did not show at the date, but did not respond for a week after. Later he appologised that he was in a hospital due to an accident in the day with the date). So, odd things like this can happen, too.

My advice is to try to detach from it, if she responds, ok, if not, move forward and forget about it, it is not worth you time and energy.

It is very hard to guess other people's intentions for going on Tinder dates (and I had a lot of them). One might go on a first date with absolutely no intention for a second, just wanting to get attention/ego boost, or wanting just to have fun and meet someone knew. Some are just bored and need some excitment, some are committed and just checking the market.. and be aware that most people (men and women) don't consider they should offer any explanation for their behaviour.

[ShyViolet]

No one forced you to spend that much on the first date.  That was your choice.  And it was a mistake.... as others have said, it's better to keep the first date simple and inexpensive.  Wait until you know the person a bit better before going on extravagant dates.

The amount of money you spent on the date has absolutely nothing to do with whether it's "right" for her to ghost you.  Those are two separate things and it's kind of weird that you are connecting them.

[dramafreezone]

13 hours ago, Soulinfected said:

Hi there!

I just wanted to go somewhere to talk because I don't want to talk about this with any of my mates. I am male, 37 and I met a lady on Tinder we had more in common with than I've ever met before. The first night we chatted about a lot of nerdy stuff we both are really in to, and then we even talked on the phone for close to an hour. Two nights later we met at a wine bar - shared a bottle of wine and a couple of prosecco's each with some snacks, and then I invited her for a cocktail at another bar and she agreed. I mentioned I will grab the bill, and she didn't offer to split the bill or thank me for paying. We went down the road and had a cocktail each and chatted some more; after we finished I got that bill as well (obviously, was my invite) and walked her to where she got a scooter home. I kissed her, and she did not give me the cheek which I thought was a good sign. She then said she would message me when she got back from her 80km hiking trip which should have been yesterday (Monday, five days later). I didn't hear from her and so I flicked her a short message asking how her trip was and haven't heard back after over an hour. This is not that long I know but she usually responds really quickly. 

Now, I'm pretty sure if she does respond it's not going to be good and I already feel really bad as I thought we really hit it off. The date last week came to $174 NZD and I would NEVER suggest that entitled me to anything. But I would think there would at least be an appropriate message after the date or even the next day to say "hey it was nice meeting you, but I'm not interested in dating further?" instead of leaving me hanging for days - potentially ghosting me? Come to think of it, she didn't even thank me for paying for the date. Do I sound unreasonable?

I don't like mentioning money because I have a lot of disposable income, I just thought it's worth mentioning, because if a woman paid that kind of money on a date for me, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I said I will message her at X time, not follow through and then ghost. 

I feel like I may be sounding self entitled; I dunno. I'm just really upset about being rejected I guess, this one really sucks..

Ugh, while I only addressed the dinner part, you messed up in other ways.  She said she'd text you, so why didn't you let her text you?  Maybe she intended to get to you but was just busy.  She might still be interested but if you begin text bombing her that interest will evaporate (if it hasn't already).

On the other hand, ghosting is the standard if someone isn't interested these days.  In that case you just have to get over it.  Maybe she just wasn't feeling the vibe, or maybe an ex boyfriend came back into the picture, or maybe she met someone that she liked just a little more than you.  It could be anything but at this point you've sent her a text.  I would leave it be.  If she had a great time she'll get back to you eventually.  Maybe another week, or another month down the line.

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Mrin said:

As for the investment part... I get you. I almost always took my first dates out to a cocktail and usually a nice dinner. I'm a foodie. And I always picked up the bill. 

Here's the thing - if you focus on an outcome of the date then naturally you will feel at worst used or at best unwise if the date it doesn't progress into something more. What I did was go into each first date with the only expectation that I would have a good conversation. That's it. Period. Just a good conversation. I'm pretty good at vetting women and so I was never disappointed - always had a good conversation. And I never felt used or duped regardless of what came after. Anyhow, something to think about.

Totally agree with the above.  It's exploratory!  

I always think that would people who are disappointed in a date rather that the other person turn to them mid-date and say "this isn't going to work out"?  Perhaps the other person goes with a similar intention as above ^^^ and says that they would like to be enjoyable on the date regardless of what they think the future outcome of the pair will be as a couple.  It's an evening, let's make the best of it so we can "see" if there is anything there or just because.  Perhaps it's after a person is away from the situation that they decide what they want to do with you.  Perhaps her "hiking trip" is actually with a guy that she is further along with and is going well.

[trident_2020]

You don't like mentioning money and yet the thread title is all about spending a lot of money on a first date.

It comes down to this. You met a girl online,  you then met up in person. You invited her on a date and spent money on her and she ultimately ghosted you for reasons unknown.

Experienced online daters keep the first meeting brief and informal. If things are going well you can always extend.

Unless you've got money to burn expensive first dates are not a good investment.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, there is no correlation at all between how much you spend on a date and how well you connect with your dating partner.

 

[trident_2020]

Unless your date is a gold digger. In which case she will probably connect with you(r wallet)

 

 

Edited January 20, 2021 by trident_2020

[Lotsgoingon]

And one thing a sane-budget date accomplishes is ... screening out gold diggers.  

[snowboy91]

8 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Do you usually drink that much alcohol on a first date? You must have drank a bucket load for the bill to be that high. 

I assume that's the price for both of them - also note the OP states New Zealand dollars. Besides the exchange rate, if it's anything like Australia (most things are similar between our countries), drinks in NZ (especially cocktails) are incredibly expensive compared to most of the world.

I'll echo what others have said and note that the amount you spend on a date does not correlate at all to whether or not it is successful. It's more about the connection, which you can't know for sure if it's going somewhere until the first date anyway.

Edited January 20, 2021 by snowboy91

[Ami1uwant]

This was tinder so maybe she just wanted to hook up and not get wined and dined adding too much anticipatory pressure

[LivingWaterPlease]

She should have thanked you for buying her drinks. I'd thank a guy for buying me a coke (coca cola) or coffee. Because she didn't I wouldn't give her a second thought. Especially since you spent that much on her.

Yes, it DOES make a difference (to some people) that you spent a lot on the date. It doesn't mean that your date will want to be with you more than if you hadn't. But it is appropriate to let the person know it was appreciated.

And even if you didn't spend a dime on her it's a mark of integrity to keep one's word.

That said, it's only been an hour so it's possible you'll still hear from her. But, I wouldn't waste time on a person who couldn't be bothered to say thank you for much less.

[Versacehottie]

well yeah she should have thanked him regardless of how little or how much he spent.  That right there should have the OP questioning if he really wants her to respond.  

I don't think that she should have thanked him more so because of how much he spent or deem it to be a lot for him (she doesn't know him so doesn't know his financial situation, his beliefs about spending, or perhaps the OP led with his money/financial wellbeing after all he was pretty keen about thinking she was special in advance of the meeting so he'd be doing his best to impress).  I do think it'd have been nice for her to offer to pay for something along the way.  Objectively, I don't think going to 2 bars is a huge date--she might not have really had a true idea of how much that cost him.  Relatively and subjectively, it obviously is to many besides just the OP.  

$85-90 at each bar, sounds like about 2 drinks each at both places, which is normal if you are going to bars/bar hopping.  So it may have made more sense to stay at one place and then you would stick to it being around $85-90.  That sounds about right, unless you are having a meeting vs a date.  I think OP was on the right track to make it a "date" but he could hedge his risk and do coffee things or a single drink and quick date on the way to some other night out with friends so there's a reason to move on.

[Miss Spider]

It’s your fault that you spent $174 on the date. Unless that is pittance, and it doesn’t sound like it is, you should not be spending anywhere near that amount. That is a noob mistake. Sadly she wasn’t interested and tbh she was probably embarrassed for you spending that much on her and scared to you she’s not feeling it because a lot of guys would be annoyed to say the least. No it’s not very nice, but it is ultimately your bad. Just move on and learn.

Edited January 20, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

If you had fun, just write it off. Live and learn. Next time . Brief. Sober. Coffee.

If you decide on a second date, then let loose a little.

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh man I missed the significance of her not even thanking him.

Dude, person doesn't thank you (the absolutely rock-bottom basic level of decency) for treating them to good food and drink, your romantic interest in them should have ended right then and there. Should have ended the first time you paid for something, but you kept going from place to place.  

You failed to see that  her behavior was an immediate disqualifier.

Edited January 20, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Trail Blazer]

19 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Just also want to add, if you had a good time with her, even if it didn't pan out, was it really a waste?  

Unless he got sex out of it, the majority of men would say yes, a big waste.

We don't generally fund expensive dates to still end up going home with Rosie Palmer and her five sisters and then get ghosted whilst considering it a success.

[Trail Blazer]

12 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

I assume that's the price for both of them - also note the OP states New Zealand dollars. Besides the exchange rate, if it's anything like Australia (most things are similar between our countries), drinks in NZ (especially cocktails) are incredibly expensive compared to most of the world.

I'll echo what others have said and note that the amount you spend on a date does not correlate at all to whether or not it is successful. It's more about the connection, which you can't know for sure if it's going somewhere until the first date anyway.

I've drank in many places around the world and Australia certainly wasn't the most expensive.  I've not been to New Zealand, but I cannot imagine it's more expensive than some places I've been to in Europe and the States.

[elaine567]

There is another reason for this really hitting home for the OP, and I guess it has something to do with his ex now being in a "serious relationship"
In order to match her and to make himself feel better, he needed to make this work, but it backfired and he is now feeling even more rejected...

it is not really about the money.

[Trail Blazer]

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Well maybe the OP had to learn his lesson the hard way.  Next time he'll go dutch or just ask the woman out for a walk.   

No matter how little or how much he spent, a first-date is an investment in the other person.  If OP had an enjoyable night, wouldn't it stand to reason that he'd want to see the woman again?

There's plenty of women out there who enjoy dating for dating's sake.  They'd very quickly not enjoy it if they were the one's who were funding the date.

OP probably won't spend as much next time on a date and OP's emphasis on how much he spent on said date has totally overshadowed the fact that this woman used OP for a good night out and hasn't (yet) had the decency to even respond to him.

[Trail Blazer]

15 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

You don't like mentioning money and yet the thread title is all about spending a lot of money on a first date.

It comes down to this. You met a girl online,  you then met up in person. You invited her on a date and spent money on her and she ultimately ghosted you for reasons unknown.

Experienced online daters keep the first meeting brief and informal. If things are going well you can always extend.

Unless you've got money to burn expensive first dates are not a good investment.

To be fair, OP was referring to not enjoying mentioning money to those he's dating. 

OP mentioned how much his date costed in here because he's erroneously conflated cost with some kind of relevency to being ghosted when in fact the amount spent wasn't nearly as important for context as OP might have thought.

[Trail Blazer]

5 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Good question. Maybe the sense of entitlement to a woman's body is what gets these types of men ghosted. I'm sure most women can tell the difference between a man's genuine interest vs his looking to smash.

With the implication here being the OP spent a lot of money on expensive booze and his date could tell his interest wasn't genuine and instead was about looking to smash?

[Allupinnit]

4 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

No matter how little or how much he spent, a first-date is an investment in the other person.  If OP had an enjoyable night, wouldn't it stand to reason that he'd want to see the woman again?

There's plenty of women out there who enjoy dating for dating's sake.  They'd very quickly not enjoy it if they were the one's who were funding the date.

OP probably won't spend as much next time on a date and OP's emphasis on how much he spent on said date has totally overshadowed the fact that this woman used OP for a good night out and hasn't (yet) had the decency to even respond to him.

Also frustrating is to have sex with a man on the first date and not hear anything afterward, or get the slow fade.  I'd rather pay for my own date than wake up the next morning with another online notch in my bedpost from a man I'll never hear from again.  Don't care if he paid for a steak dinner.

[Trail Blazer]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

But you're saying that if he spends money on the date he's owed something.  At least sex or a second date or it's a loss.  So?

I never heard this much belly-aching over paying for a date from the men I dated, nor from the one I married.  If it's become such an issue then keep the dates cheap.

Let me make it crystal clear; I know I'm not owed anything in life, by anyone.  I know what I want out of life and, in general, I've managed to do that in ways that haven't wronged anyone else.

When I was dating my objectives were multifaceted; I'd happily date for a bit of fun and a hook-up.  Or, if I found someone who was relationship material, I'd entertain that notion, too.

Either way, whether I'd find myself in a relationship, an FWB arrangement or even a ONS, each and every instance would have been considered a success because it involved either not being ghosted, or, at the very least, sex.

Did I have a 100 per cent strike rate when dating?  Absolutely not!  I had many dates where either I, or the other person, didn't wish to pursue anything further.  Did I still have fun on the date?  Yeah, I guess so.  However, was it a success?  Well, no... not really!

Having said that, I've never been ghosted after a first date, ever!  In fact, I've turned down second dates with girls because I just wasn't feeling it, but I wasn't ever going to go down the path of second dates just to have sex with them because that's not what I'm about.

The point here is that OP really liked the girl and OP was ghosted.  Why would OP consider that a success when he wanted more than just one date?  If OP didn't enjoy the date then he wouldn't want a second date, which then would have rendered being ghosted redundant.

It's the same as asking you if it was still considered a successful date if you had a ONS with a guy who ghosted you afterwards with the emphasis being on the good time you had and not your future expectations. 

OP's date got what she wanted out of the transaction and has now gone AWOL in a very similar vein as to what a guy who uses a woman for sex would do once he's derived his fun from the exchange.