I Slept With a Married Man

[MavisH]

I met a guy through a common friend (acquaintance for me), he’s 31 and I’m 20. I didn’t really mind the age gap as I was into older and more mature men. We went on a date & I didn’t really bother asking about his past because I personally think it’s weird to do that on the first date. We clicked and had sex on the first date. We then exchanged numbers and social media accounts. He’s actually young at heart but mature at the same time and that made me fall deeper for him. We went on more dates and had more sex after that but I noticed that he always took me to pretty private places, I didn’t read much into it and just thought that maybe he’s just a private person and didn’t want people gossiping about us since it’s a small town afterall but as time passed, I started getting uncomfortable because I started to feel like he’s hiding something & hiding me. I was really into him but he gave me mixed signals. It felt like one second he’s all over me then the next, I don’t exist, he doesn’t return my calls and messages, though I’m not a clingy person who calls and texts over and over... I was getting tired of trying to read him because he has built walls too high that’s beyond reach. I tried ending the “thing” with him 3x, expressed to him that my needs weren’t being met and I’m not satisfied with whatever we had but he just apologized, explained, and charmed me and I was back at it again. On the fourth time though, I promised myself that I’m ending it once and for all because of the emotional toll it was taking me. I explicitly painfully expressed  how I felt like I don’t really know him and he wont let me in, how I felt like it was one sided, and that I’m tired of being the one who always compromised and understood the situation. He said he doesn’t want to lose me, I’m important, & he needs me. I told him he’s too complicated and I’m tired. He then held my hand, kissed it, asked me not to leave him & to listen carefully, “I’m committed to someone.” I was confused, I thought he meant he was just still in love with an ex, never did it cross my mind that the man I have fallen for & been having sex with for the past few months is MARRIED with little children! I made a big mistake though, I guess I was officially a mistress after that one decision I made, having been aware that he’s a married man yet I still had one last sex with him. I’m not proud of it. I feel so guilty and utterly stupid because I despise aldulterers, but my lust has driven me to become one. He always told me to stick to happiness ever since the first date and that we don’t have to end it because his wife will never know. I told him that I won’t wait for the day she finds out. He was really trying to make me stay with him as he won’t let me go physically unless I agreed and so I did for the sake of being let go. I then messaged him when I got home, and said that after what he confessed to me, we won’t ever meet again because my conscience couldn’t take it & I was raised to ALWAYS choose the right thing over the happy thing to which he replied with “Fine, but I feel like you’re seeing someone else that’s why you’re doing this.” I wonder how such people could exist, where he got the nerve to twist it and pin it on me. He always emphasized how much he hated pain and just want happiness but has no problem hurting everyone specially his children for as long as he’s happy. I am no saint and I’d accept the ridicule for this. I guess all I want to say is it’s never too late to do the right thing & I’m just glad that it’s over. I hope no woman has to go through what his wife and I did. 

Edited January 19, 2021 by MavisH

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Wash your hands of this snake.

[Negotaurus]

I would tell the wife. Not to get back at him, but because SHE deserves to know. I would send her proof via, say, screenshots, bills. And I would sincerely apologise to her and tell her I didn't know. 

A lot of people here seem to be against that idea, but in my opinion, it would be the decent thing to do at this point. She would be aware of the back-stabbing and you would indefinitely be putting an end to this bs. If she chooses to stay with him, fine, none of our business. But allowing people to live in such lies is cruel to me. I wish somebody had told me I was being cheated on. 

Maybe this offers you some comfort - infatuation isn't the same as love. I'm 22 myself, we're young and foolish at this age, and I'm well aware of the fantasies our mind makes up in order to believe that somebody, like him, is a 'decent person' and 'one of a kind'. That we love them and what not. In reality, he's a lousy cheating drama queen. You barely knew him. Never drop your pride and morals like this again.

Edited January 19, 2021 by Negotaurus

[Lorryborry]

Not your fault honey.  Zero guilt.   Hes a creep so just dont go near him again.  Put it behind you and dont give it 2nd thought. You are not a mistress you are a smart young woman.  You deserve no guilt.  You were lied to. And so what if you did it once when you knew.  No big deal. Move on. X

[MavisH]

7 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

I would tell the wife. Not to get back at him, but because SHE deserves to know. I would send her proof via, say, screenshots, bills. And I would sincerely apologise to her and tell her I didn't know. 

A lot of people here seem to be against that idea, but in my opinion, it would be the decent thing to do at this point. She would be aware of the back-stabbing and you would indefinitely be putting an end to this bs. If she chooses to stay with him, fine, none of our business. But allowing people to live in such lies is cruel to me. I wish somebody had told me I was being cheated on. 

Maybe this offers you some comfort - infatuation isn't the same as love. I'm 22 myself, we're young and foolish at this age, and I'm well aware of the fantasies our mind makes up in order to believe that somebody, like him, is a 'decent person' and 'one of a kind'. That we love them and what not. In reality, he's a lousy cheating drama queen. You barely knew him. Never drop your pride and morals like this again.

I appreciate your concern and I wont be dwelling on this pain for long but if follow your advice and tell his wife about this cheating scumbag then my peace would be at risk. His wife and her family’s involved in politics and they’re pretty powerful. I can’t risk my peace and safety for the family he’s choosing to destroy himself. In fact I hope she never finds out about me... I’m genuinely scared. 

[Negotaurus]

Just now, MavisH said:

I appreciate your concern and I wont be dwelling on this pain for long but if follow your advice and tell his wife about this cheating scumbag then my peace would be at risk. His wife and her family’s involved in politics and they’re pretty powerful. I can’t risk my peace and safety for the family he’s choosing to destroy himself. In fact I hope she never finds out about me... I’m genuinely scared. 

If you have genuine concern for your safety then 100% don't risk it. Block and delete this scumbag, heal and be kind to yourself. I hope you got a good lesson from all this.

Best of luck!

[Lorryborry]

5 minutes ago, MavisH said:

I appreciate your concern and I wont be dwelling on this pain for long but if follow your advice and tell his wife about this cheating scumbag then my peace would be at risk. His wife and her family’s involved in politics and they’re pretty powerful. I can’t risk my peace and safety for the family he’s choosing to destroy himself. In fact I hope she never finds out about me... I’m genuinely scared. 

Just block and delete. It's not your job to coach his wife.   Move on and if you are having anxiety I suggest you see a counsellor and discuss it to get past it. You are ok baby. Big hug x

[salparadise]

5 minutes ago, MavisH said:

I can’t risk my peace and safety for the family he’s choosing to destroy himself. In fact I hope she never finds out

It's not your place to visit consequences upon this family. Cutting him off and extricating yourself from any further drama is the appropriate thing. You aren't exactly without blame here either... you didn't vet the guy before you started sleeping with him, and you slept with him after you knew. Nothing good is going to come from blowing it up. Turn the page and move on. No need to be burdened with guilt either, just do the right thing now and in the future. When people tell you to tell his wife it's about them and getting some kind of symbolic retribution on a cheater rather than doing what's best for you.

[MavisH]

10 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

Just block and delete. It's not your job to coach his wife.   Move on and if you are having anxiety I suggest you see a counsellor and discuss it to get past it. You are ok baby. Big hug x

Thank you! I will be fine soon... I’ll move past this and never agree to this kind of set-up again. 
 

Talking from the perspective of a kid whose parents cheated on each other, my heart bleeds for his children the most. I know that his infidelity won’t end with me. I guess the worst feeling here is I turned out to be exactly like the people who destroyed my family. 

[Lorryborry]

5 minutes ago, salparadise said:

It's not your place to visit consequences upon this family. Cutting him off and extricating yourself from any further drama is the appropriate thing. You aren't exactly without blame here either... you didn't vet the guy before you started sleeping with him, and you slept with him after you knew. Nothing good is going to come from blowing it up. Turn the page and move on. No need to be burdened with guilt either, just do the right thing now and in the future. When people tell you to tell his wife it's about them and getting some kind of symbolic retribution on a cheater rather than doing what's best for you.

Hi there.   I'm 100% with you on everything here. No good could come of this for her .  She needs to be careful in future and put it behind her.  I knew that the minute I read it 

[Lorryborry]

4 minutes ago, MavisH said:

Thank you! I will be fine soon... I’ll move past this and never agree to this kind of set-up again. 
 

Talking from the perspective of a kid whose parents cheated on each other, my heart bleeds for his children the most. I know that his infidelity won’t end with me. I guess the worst feeling here is I turned out to be exactly like the people who destroyed my family. 

You are not some big cheat hun.  He is NOT your problem and neither is his family. You look after YOU because no one else will.

[MavisH]

Here’s the thing, I was innocent up until the point I slept with him after he confessed. I did it because I had feelings for him and I wanted to be with him for one last time and yes, I was wrong because I knew at that point that he was married that’s why I vowed to never meet him again. 

Since we’re talking about morality here I have 2 genuine questions: 

1. Are my actions justified before I had knowledge about his infidelity?

2. If yes, would I have been a complete victim had I chosen not to have sex after I found out? 
 

 

 

Edited January 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed references to debate

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, MavisH said:

he’s 31 and I’m 20. I didn’t really mind the age gap as I was into older and more mature men.

27 minutes ago, MavisH said:

Talking from the perspective of a kid whose parents cheated on each other

I think you need to examine why you are attracted to older men, when older men often come with baggage and that includes wives/gfs. I guess it may have something to do with your parents and the trauma you suffered as a child..
These guys  will troll about looking for young, naïve women who they can charm and deceive.
Be aware.
 

[MavisH]

7 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

I will leave this to other posters.  Sorry for debate. Just trying to help. No offence intended to anyone 

Your words really meant a lot to me and you have no idea how comforting they are. No need to be sorry... we all have opinions and let’s just let things be. I promise to be okay and look out for myself. I’ll be more responsible with the choices I make next time. Mind over feelings  

[salparadise]

26 minutes ago, MavisH said:

Since we’re talking about morality here I have 2 genuine questions: 

1. Are my actions justified before I had knowledge about his infidelity?

2. If yes, would I have been a complete victim had I chosen not to have sex after I found out? 

It really depends on the individual's moral code. Some might say that you're at fault for banging him within a couple of hours the first time you met without even knowing who he was... if you're okay with having sex with strangers, then presumably you aren't much concerned with marital status. Personally, I don't think it was your responsibility to make sure he wasn't cheating on someone. That's on him. And if you engage in this from time to time, you're bound to bump into some married men.

Edited January 19, 2021 by salparadise

[Lorryborry]

Just now, MavisH said:

Your words really meant a lot to me and you have no idea how comforting they are. No need to be sorry... we all have opinions and let’s just let things be. I promise to be okay and look out for myself. I’ll be more responsible with the choices I make next time. Mind over feelings  

Good for you. Everyone makes mistakes.  And bigger than yours. I know you will do well going forward x

[Lorryborry]

1 minute ago, salparadise said:

It really depends on the individual's moral code. Some might say that you're at fault for banging him within a couple of hours the first time you met without even knowing who he was... if you're okay with having sex with strangers, then presumably you aren't much concerned with marital status. Personally, I don't think it was your responsibility to make sure he wasn't cheating on someone. That's on him.

That's completely on him.

[MavisH]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think you need to examine why you are attracted to older men

I guess I just want a responsible, mature partner who knows what he wants in life. It’s hard to see this with men my age. I want someone to look up to and admire because for me experience makes people attractive. 

[Wiseman2]

Put the whole debacle behind you. Get on some quality dating apps with a good profile and pics. Start talking to and meeting men.

Age has nothing to do with predatory or deceitful behaviors. Date who you want, being wiser about red flags, such as not seeing where they live,etc.

Also keep things evenly balanced. That rules out a lot of dreck.

 

[MavisH]

15 minutes ago, salparadise said:

then presumably you aren't much concerned with marital status

 

16 minutes ago, salparadise said:

And if you engage in this from time to time, you're bound to bump into some married men.

The funny thing is he actually asked me if  I was married and have kids but in a very not-so-serious manner, I gladly said no then asked him the same thing to which he sarcastically giggled off. Remembering and typing this right now makes me realize how much of a fool I was to not read between the lines. 
 

I just thought like “anyway what are the chances I’ll be dating men with baggages” and it turned out, it’s HUGE. Lol. Me and my naiveness. I know that’s not an excuse tho. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, MavisH said:

The funny thing is he actually asked me if  I was married and have kids but in a very not-so-serious manner

I sense this isn't his first rodeo.

[ExpatInItaly]

59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I sense this isn't his first rodeo.

I absolutely agree. 

This man has cheated before. He knows exactly who to target, what to say, where to take them. This is most definitely not new territory for him, and probably the reason he goes after younger women who don't have the life experience under their belts yet to know an unfaithful husband when they see one. 

[elaine567]

So your common friend/acquaintance set you up with a married man... that was nice of them...

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

and probably the reason he goes after younger women who don't have the life experience

Or perhaps because he can... it’s that fertility thing, ya know. Are you implying that he’d be a more honorable cheat if he self-imposed a minimum age requirement, say 35, to be sure they’re old enough to make the best decision as to when and with whom to have sex? 🤣
Sorry, I’m just not seeing her as a victim here. She knew what she was doing — it mattered to her that he was married to about the same degree that it mattered to him if she had a boyfriend. She wasn’t tricked or manipulated or coerced, she wanted the same thing he did. She wasn’t in investigative mode. I bet she never saw the inside of his house the whole time... motels, the car?
Women get so upset about men going for younger women... and then they turn right around and go for wealthy, high-status men... who just happen to be older and married. One thing I know for certain, when a 19-20 year old is ready, it’s going to happen one way or the other. 
 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Or perhaps because he can... it’s that fertility thing, ya know. Are you implying that he’d be a more honorable cheat if he self-imposed a minimum age requirement, say 35, to be sure they’re old enough to make the best decision as to when and with whom to have sex? 
 

Huh? No, not at all. I don't know where you're getting that from. 

I'm implying that older and more experienced women likely would have caught on to him sooner, and thus he probably wouldn't be able to pull off his scam quite as easily until he was figured out.

Sleeping with him after she found out he was married was unacceptable. 

The rest are your words and assumptions, not mine. 

Edited January 19, 2021 by ExpatInItaly