I Slept With a Married Man

[elaine567]

Truth is many many women are not in "investigative" mode especially when young as they do not expect to be manipulated or deceived. They believe in honesty and straightforwardness  and love stories.
Here she took him at face value until his "secretiveness" gave him away.
Most women like to be shown off by their partners so a guy skulking in corners and who does not appear to be proud of her in public is a give away.
The question was asked here a while ago.
What is the difference between a fwb and a gf?
What makes one woman a fwb and another a gf?
Answer: A fwb is someone you are sleeping with who you are not proud of

Edited January 19, 2021 by elaine567

[salparadise]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, not at all. I don't know where you're getting that from. 

Extrapolating from the younger women comment, of course. I’m not trying to put words in your mouth, just saying that as long as she’s 18+, what he did with her is no different than cheating on his wife with someone his own age. We all know what this was... trying to discern the shades of morality on either side is ridiculous. 

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, MavisH said:

I turned out to be exactly like the people who destroyed my family. 

No you didn't, you stopped and won't be doing this again. As the others say- move on. We live and learn! ((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[MavisH]

22 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Truth is many many women are not in "investigative" mode especially when young as they do not expect to be manipulated or deceived. They believe in honesty and straightforwardness  and love stories.
Here she took him at face value until his "secretiveness" gave him away.
Most women like to be shown off by their partners so a guy skulking in corners and who does not appear to be proud of her in public is a give away.
The question was asked here a while ago.
What is the difference between a fwb and a gf?
What makes one woman a fwb and another a gf?
Answer: A fwb is someone you are sleeping with who you are not proud of

Yes. I believed in the goodness of people so I expected him to be honest with me as I was with him but this mistake has made me realize that this is just a cruel world. Every man for himself indeed.
 

I wasn’t really needing to be shown off, I just got sick of the routine, we met once a week, he barely calls me, I’m always the one adjusting my schedule for him, I had so many unanswered questions, etc. 
 

Him being married and having kids is a big deal to me and never in my worst nightmares have I dreamed of being in this situation. I’ll sound hypocritical at this point but if anyone asks why I slept with him even after I knew, I’d say it’s because I had feelings for him. Deep. I don’t care whatever it’s called. I just wanted to be with him for one last time. The break up, confession, and last sex happened in one day. We had no communication after that. 

[salparadise]

47 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Truth is many many women are not in "investigative" mode especially when young as they do not expect to be manipulated or deceived. They believe in honesty and straightforwardness  and love stories.

Not just young women, it’s a human thing... and much preferable to hard, cold and cynical. I’m struggling with some of that myself these days. I want to be like the kid in the Polar Express who still hears the bell. 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

They believe in honesty and straightforwardness  and love stories.

I believe in honesty, straightforwardness and love stories!

But in Texas we say it is what it is which is not necessarily what we want it to be! It's our fantasy of reality trips us up.

@salparadise unfortunately ( using Pavlov techniques ) we can be conditioned to hear a rung bell and respond- even if it doesn't signify anything wondrous after all; anyone can sound a bell....

🔔

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, MavisH said:

I guess I just want a responsible, mature partner who knows what he wants in life. It’s hard to see this with men my age. I want someone to look up to and admire because for me experience makes people attractive. 

There are plenty of young men to look up to an admire.  Age doesn't bring maturity to everyone as you can see from this married man you got involved with. There are young men who are going to school while working 2 jobs to get ahead.  There are young men starting their own businesses, and many who are becoming successful working in the trades.  They are out there looking for girls who are trying to become successful as well.

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, MavisH said:

1. Are my actions justified before I had knowledge about his infidelity?

2. If yes, would I have been a complete victim had I chosen not to have sex after I found out?

I'd say yes. As pointed out above, you were deceived and took him at face value.

[jah526]

1 hour ago, MavisH said:

Him being married and having kids is a big deal to me and never in my worst nightmares have I dreamed of being in this situation. I’ll sound hypocritical at this point but if anyone asks why I slept with him even after I knew, I’d say it’s because I had feelings for him. Deep. I don’t care whatever it’s called. I just wanted to be with him for one last time. The break up, confession, and last sex happened in one day. We had no communication after that. 

You seem to be stuck on forgiving yourself for this. This is part of the game for them too - getting you hooked so it's hard to extricate yourself. Believe me, guys like this one know exactly what they're doing. Narcissistic and manipulative, they know all the tricks, especially gaslighting (making it your fault). Mine actually told me it was my fault he felt guilty. 

So, you got a little hooked. It happens. You extricated yourself and now you're the wiser about people. Chalk it up as a life lesson and move on.

[Perdu]

@MavisH 

Unfortunately, this is much common than you think (married people looking for some side action), especially with the dating apps. Since there is a low chance that they'll sleep with somebody if they are honest at first, most of them chose to lie and don't disclose their marital status at first, if ever, unless they get caught or they are forced to. The smart & experienced ones always have an excuse or trick up their sleeve, to turn away attention from any questions that might put, in order to  find out more about their true life.

Since I assume it is your first time, don't blame yourself too much, you are young. I can understand that you were already invested in that relationship when you found out that he's married and it was not that easy to pull away immediately.

Learn from this experience to read the signs (like he avoids public places, he changes plans out of the blue, he never brings you at his home, he only answers at certain hours and is unreachable in weekends or evenings, those are classic signs that the person is already commited) and stay away. If he has children, the chances to leave the family are low, especially if the marriage is not that bad (most of the time isn't, otherwise they would have left already) and don't forget that a man who cheats on his current wife is more likely cheat in other relationship that he may have after, as well.

As for disclosing the affair to his wife, I think that is a tough one, that may seem the right/good thing to do, but the situation may be more complex than one thinks and it may backfire on you. 

 

[dramafreezone]

You said that you're an adulterer; technically you're not.  He's the adulterer because he's the one that's married.

And yeah, he doesn't have the right to be jealous because he's married.  Hope you've learned your lesson and you move on.  People that cheat while in committed relationships are the worst IMO.  He wants to sleep with other people but says she can't.  They're the world's biggest blockers.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

18 hours ago, MavisH said:

He then held my hand, kissed it, asked me not to leave him & to listen carefully, “I’m committed to someone.”

Fwiw, when I read this, I said out loud to myself, "Oh my gosh, what a dou*he!"

18 hours ago, MavisH said:

Fine, but I feel like you’re seeing someone else that’s why you’re doing this.”

And then, after this, "What a manipulative tw@t!"

To clarify, if needed, the insults are directed at the selfish man-child (i.e. him). Not very ladylike of me, but I hope it validates you. The lesson here is to screen better, more carefully, and slow down on getting into bed with someone until you really know who they are.

I'm sure you've learned your lessons. 

Edited January 20, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Clarification

[Pottering About]

Sleeping with him when he deliberately hid the fact that he was married is on HIM.

Sleeping with him AFTER you knew he was married is on YOU.

This is a game of two halves - the first where I had a huge amount of sympathy with you and agree with others that you had nothing to feel guilty about. The second half when you consciously slept with him after learning the truth moves you into an entirely different bracket where you colluded in his infidelity.

Personally, I don’t think you should be upset with yourself because you fell for his manipulative deceit. However, I also think you shouldn’t rug sweep what you did after you knew all the facts. I think you need to take responsibility for that and be honest with yourself as to why you did it. After that, remember the lessons you have learnt but FORGIVE YOURSELF and move on. I can see no benefit in dwelling on this further or allowing him to cause you more damage in how you view any future relationships. There are a lot of good people out there 

 I wish you well for a long, successful and happy future.

Edited January 20, 2021 by Pottering About

[S2B]

I hope you’ll learn more about who you date before sleeping with them. Ask questions, ask a lot of questions! Then pay a small fee to do a back ground check on them before the second date! 
 

you wouldn’t believe how many guys I dated once were married pretending to be single.

check their history before having sex and a second date! Do this for YOURSELF! Do this to understand what’s real! 
 

of course a MM will move fast and lie to tell you what you need to hear! They are moving fast to get extra sex. They get into patterns of hiding you/spending on you etc. you need to understand their pattern before getting attached.

having sex makes most women attached too quickly. Better to wait until you’ve gathered evidence that he’s actually really available.

[snowboy91]

Wow... I have no words for this guy that are appropriate on a public forum.

You've done nothing wrong. At no point did you actually know he was married. You did the best things you could given the knowledge you had at the time. Sure, some will pin you for sleeping with him after you found out, but hey, even at that point he still decided to sleep with you knowing you were still hooked.

You will do well to be rid of him. I really do hope this doesn't tarnish how you feel about guys into the future, the vast majority are not this deceiving.

[MavisH]

I have read each reply to this topic and I’m beyond grateful for all of you guys even when some weren’t completely on my side. I do understand my wrongs. 
 

Just an update though, he messaged me last night, I haven’t blocked him because I thought he’ll no longer push it since we already ended it. Anyway he wanted to meet me for ‘one last time’. I said no and besides I have exams to study for, he offered to help me and I almost gave in not because of his offer but because I still want him so badly. 
 

I took the time to text back because I wanted to really reflect on everything first. It was taking everything in me to not say yes to him. I opened this forum and I reread all your advice and opinions on this. It means a lot to me and finally I had the courage to send a straight NO.

I told him that he knows that I can’t resist him that’s why he won’t put up a fight every time I try to leave because one text and I’ll come running back and if I meet him I know it’s never going to end so I finally blocked his number. I’m going to focus in my future and I didn’t want to disappoint the people who’s been with me through this, online and offline. Thank you 

[S2B]

Of course he wanted to meet you - it’s free sex. I hope you made him use protection! Who knows how many other women he’s had sex with. It seems to be his ploy/game. 
 

he’s done it before - he’s good at it - which means he’s done this before.

[Watercolors]

 

On 1/19/2021 at 1:19 AM, MavisH said:

I met a guy through a common friend (acquaintance for me), he’s 31 and I’m 20. I didn’t really mind the age gap as I was into older and more mature men. We went on a date & I didn’t really bother asking about his past because I personally think it’s weird to do that on the first date. We clicked and had sex on the first date. We then exchanged numbers and social media accounts.

It sounds like you've been sexually active since your early teens (?) if you are already comfortable having ONS with complete strangers before you get to know them properly. At 20 years old, why do you take these risks sexually with men? Especially not asking them about their sexual past or relationship status before you have sex with them. Have you had an abortion yet? Any sexually transmitted diseases? It's one thing to be open with your sexuality. But it's another thing to be careless with other people. And in your case, you were very careless. 

I wonder why your acquaintance set you up with this married politician in the first place? 

On 1/19/2021 at 1:19 AM, MavisH said:

I am no saint and I’d accept the ridicule for this. I guess all I want to say is it’s never too late to do the right thing & I’m just glad that it’s over. I hope no woman has to go through what his wife and I did.

 will say that your choice to sleep with a married man had definite negative consequences for you. You are lucky that he didn't rape you, give you an STD, or get you pregnant.  Still, you should get tested. 

I will also point out, that hindsight is 20/20. Next time, carefully vet the men you are introduced to or meet. Maybe that's not your style because it dampens your carefree nature. But, not having that boundary in place, of asking guys about their relationship status before you have sex with them got you into trouble, b/c you slept with a married man.

You write in your OP that you were raised to always do the right thing. But in this situation, you clearly didn't. How will you avoid repeating this situation in the future, do you think? 

 

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, MavisH said:

he messaged me last night, I haven’t blocked him because I thought he’ll no longer push it since we already ended it. 

Sorry we should have told you "he will be back".
Finding a woman to accept and keep seeing a married guy can be difficult, most women will tell him to go back to his wife and want nothing to do with him.
Here he hooked you by deceit, but no doubt hoped you  already felt enough for him to continue seeing him anyway
So buoyed up by the fact you still slept with him after you knew he was married, he decided to ignore the fact you ended it.
He was hoping to somehow persuade you to  become his OW.
Unless you have a FWB mentality and never actually get emotionally involved, being an OW is a miserable existence for most.
I am glad you managed to again get rid, but he may still be back...

[sandylee1]

Did your friend introduce you to him as someone to date? If so why?

I'm glad you've blocked him. I hope he doesn't turn up at your house.  If he does, tell him to leave immediately or you'll call the police. 

He's nothing but a sleaze. 

[misspalmy]

Don’t let it get to you. Well all do it. It’s addictive and the sex is amazing I think 

[Zona]

Older time wasters like this guy are the rule, not the exception. 

A guy who is in his 30's and has his crap together, is good looking, educated and popular is golden, and knows it. The vast majority of desirable men that you meet in that age bracket are either going to be cheaters or players who have no intention to commit.

Spending your 20's chasing these kind of guys may seem like fun, but if you get feels, it will just lead to heartbreak. IMO, it is better to date guys who are closer in age. It's also important to have realistic expectations.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 1/19/2021 at 3:00 PM, salparadise said:

Extrapolating from the younger women comment, of course. I’m not trying to put words in your mouth, just saying that as long as she’s 18+, what he did with her is no different than cheating on his wife with someone his own age. We all know what this was... trying to discern the shades of morality on either side is ridiculous. 

I can assure you, based on this response, that you extrapolated incorrectly and  completely misunderstood the point of my comment. 

 

Edited January 30, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Pumaza]

You do have a responsability to ask about his past and if he married and how long ago he was in a relationship, specially if you gonna sleep with him.

Because just like before you buy anything you research first if its worth it,the more you should research before giving your heart away and body.And be very picky.Since you only have one of those. Also it could be a serial killer or a crazy dude.

And now you got fb, instagram and so on to even search first who the person may be.

He was wrong to not telling you,and to cheat on his wife.

Now that you do know tell him that he is diagusting for misleading you.And block him. And read some of the MM storys here.They all do same tricks.And just use you.Then go back to their wives.😷😷😷

Learn from this. Take time to know the person long enough.Ask questions,and do some research before even meeting them. And maybe date guys around your age. Older may be cute to you,but the older the person the ""wiser"they are and can easily trick you and try to presure you on stuff you may not know about or expirienced yet.

 

[misspalmy]

On 1/19/2021 at 8:19 PM, MavisH said:

I met a guy through a common friend (acquaintance for me), he’s 31 and I’m 20. I didn’t really mind the age gap as I was into older and more mature men. We went on a date & I didn’t really bother asking about his past because I personally think it’s weird to do that on the first date. We clicked and had sex on the first date. We then exchanged numbers and social media accounts. He’s actually young at heart but mature at the same time and that made me fall deeper for him. We went on more dates and had more sex after that but I noticed that he always took me to pretty private places, I didn’t read much into it and just thought that maybe he’s just a private person and didn’t want people gossiping about us since it’s a small town afterall but as time passed, I started getting uncomfortable because I started to feel like he’s hiding something & hiding me. I was really into him but he gave me mixed signals. It felt like one second he’s all over me then the next, I don’t exist, he doesn’t return my calls and messages, though I’m not a clingy person who calls and texts over and over... I was getting tired of trying to read him because he has built walls too high that’s beyond reach. I tried ending the “thing” with him 3x, expressed to him that my needs weren’t being met and I’m not satisfied with whatever we had but he just apologized, explained, and charmed me and I was back at it again. On the fourth time though, I promised myself that I’m ending it once and for all because of the emotional toll it was taking me. I explicitly painfully expressed  how I felt like I don’t really know him and he wont let me in, how I felt like it was one sided, and that I’m tired of being the one who always compromised and understood the situation. He said he doesn’t want to lose me, I’m important, & he needs me. I told him he’s too complicated and I’m tired. He then held my hand, kissed it, asked me not to leave him & to listen carefully, “I’m committed to someone.” I was confused, I thought he meant he was just still in love with an ex, never did it cross my mind that the man I have fallen for & been having sex with for the past few months is MARRIED with little children! I made a big mistake though, I guess I was officially a mistress after that one decision I made, having been aware that he’s a married man yet I still had one last sex with him. I’m not proud of it. I feel so guilty and utterly stupid because I despise aldulterers, but my lust has driven me to become one. He always told me to stick to happiness ever since the first date and that we don’t have to end it because his wife will never know. I told him that I won’t wait for the day she finds out. He was really trying to make me stay with him as he won’t let me go physically unless I agreed and so I did for the sake of being let go. I then messaged him when I got home, and said that after what he confessed to me, we won’t ever meet again because my conscience couldn’t take it & I was raised to ALWAYS choose the right thing over the happy thing to which he replied with “Fine, but I feel like you’re seeing someone else that’s why you’re doing this.” I wonder how such people could exist, where he got the nerve to twist it and pin it on me. He always emphasized how much he hated pain and just want happiness but has no problem hurting everyone specially his children for as long as he’s happy. I am no saint and I’d accept the ridicule for this. I guess all I want to say is it’s never too late to do the right thing & I’m just glad that it’s over. I hope no woman has to go through what his wife and I did. 

Tell his wife