Wife is now not being a parent, how do I help her wake up?

[tonyp56]

Here is my thread about what is going on, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=587755#post587755 if you would like to read it then there it is.

 

We have three kids’ a son 6, daughter 2, and another son 10 months.

 

Anyways, here is the situation, it has been 5 weeks and 1 day since she left me, and at the beginning, it was about me. She threw me away, and I've been hurt every since. However, 2 weeks later her new man moved in with her, and now things are totally worse. Putting me to the side, she has started acting the same way about our kids.

 

Our oldest son has been with me for over a week and she has spent maybe 2 hours with him that entire time. She has been complaining about not getting to see him lately, and I agreed to bring him over last night so she could have some time with him and at the same time I could spend some much needed time with my two little ones. She basically, griped at him the entire time we were there. Well, I tried again tonight, her mother got out of the hospital (one reason why I've had my son, before she went into the hospital, he just had to be with her) and was wanting to see him, and I told my wife that if she wanted, I could bring him over to her mom’s house (lives next door) and she could spend time with him too, while I took care of the little ones, then I would take all three of them for the weekend.

 

Well, right off, she was paying more attention to her new man than she was any of her kids, I was taking care of the little ones so she could spend time with my oldest son and her mom could be with all three of the kids. I took the kids and started to head over to her moms, and it took her 5 minutes to get there after I was there, because, her and her new man were talking, kissing or whatever. So I spent close to 2 hours of my time sitting around waiting on her to spend some time with our son, she more or less acted like she wasn't interested. She talked to him very, very little (less than 5 minutes), spanked him a couple of times, went and helped him get an ice-cream bar after her mom told her to. But stood beside her new man the entire time we were at her moms. She didn’t even pay attention to the little ones.

 

Then she told me that, "let’s leave because mom isn't feeling good" I said ok. We went back to her house and she started packing up the kids bags, and then she went outside and stood and watched her new man change his wiper blades. I watched the two little ones this entire time, and now I had to chase our son around because SHE WASN'T PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO HIM! Her new man was all she cared about. So I loaded the kids up and started to leave and then she was like "give me a hug, bye" to our kids and that was it.

 

WTF? This isn't the same woman that I married! She doesn't act like she gives a damn about our kids, and they were the ones I always thought she would care about. From the beginning, she doesn't even call when I have them over the weekend, to see how they are doing. She comes to me and has me watch them when she wants to do something with her new man; I have more or less become her baby-sitter. I am not a baby sitter, I am their father, I am the type of father that loves his children, and would do anything for them, but I am not some baby-sitter!!!

 

The more time that goes by, the more she brings them to me (which I like), and the only reason is so she can spend time with her new man. In the beginning, she wanted them all the time, this week, I've had the two little ones 5 days, and two whole nights (Saturday day and night, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday day and night, and today) and I have them all night tonight (plus tomorrow and Sunday)! And she, on Sunday will be in no hurry to come get them, or call to see if they are doing ok, or anything. Plus, my son has been with me since last Tuesday!

 

I just don't know how to deal with this, it hurts me bad enough that she treats me this way, but it pisses me off when she treats our kids this way. Our kids and I have become less important to her than her stupid, goofy looking, goofy, dumb, jerk!

 

What can I do, she isn't being herself, and it is like she is in some kind of trance. I love being with my kids, but I just can't sit by and let her treat her kids like they are her play toys--she only has to have them when she feels like it. I simply don’t know what to do. I sent her a text message saying “don’t bitch about not spending time with our son, if you are going to ignore him when I am nice enough to bring him with me”, then she wrote back saying “you know that I love my children” But she doesn’t act it, she acts like we, even just the kids, are less important to her than her new man. What can I do? I’ve thought about calling her grandmother, or her aunt (who has already said I will always be her nephew no matter what happens between her niece and me) and tell them some of the things that she is doing with her kids (I’d leave me out of it) and ask them to talk to her, but I don’t want to start a family feud or something between her and others or me and them.

[Ladyjane14]

Have you seen an attorney yet?

 

If not, it's probably time to do so. You could file for divorce. File a motion with the court for temporary custody of the children....AND ask for child support.

 

I can't imagine a judge being particularly sympathetic to your wife. She's shacking up with a strange man for pete's sake!

 

Living with the consequences of a poor decision makes living in a fantasy world terribly difficult.

[tonyp56]

LadyJane14,

 

No, I haven't seen an attorney, the biggest thing I don't know where to start. I am afraid that if I was to try to get custody, her and her family would fight me tooth and nail, drag me and the kids, all through court and make me out to be the bad guy, and take the kids from me. I never would have dreamed that I would be talking about divorce, let a lone talking about having to take her kids away from her. This is hard, but I agree and I will call an attorney soon.

 

I've been waiting for counselor to call me with an appointment. Don't have lots of money (ok none) and I need counseling, so I went to Oklahoma State University (found out from the local health department about their physiological services) and for $10 per session I thought it would be ok, but then they told me I am on a waiting list (go figure, I am need of mental health help, and they put me on a waiting list!). Been over a week and still haven't heard anything. I need help now, with my own emotional problems, and I am willing to get it, but I can't afford a $100 an hour doc. In all fairness, they did give me an emergency phone number, but I am not in an emergency (not wanting to kill or harm myself or anyone else), so I wait.

 

Anyways, this on top of calling an attorney is on my to-do list, but I am having problems breathing (not literally) let alone going for something that is going to rip me to pieces (file for divorce, take her kids away from her—even if temporary, etc…)

[Ladyjane14]

This is probably going to sound harsh, and if so....I apologize in advance.

 

But I just went back and read your original thread, and DUDE....you've got to pull yourself together. You and your wife have THREE children to raise. My God Man! That's the important thing.

 

I really do think that counseling could help you, but NOTHING will serve you so well as pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps and putting your life in order. You'd feel like a million bucks, I guarentee it.

 

Counceling is NOT, as some have put it, a "panacea" to cure all ills. It's more a matter of an uninvolved party telling you EXACTLY, albeit politely, what you're doing wrong in your life that results in mayhem. You seem to already have a pretty good handle on that. It's a matter now of FIXING it.

 

In your other thread you stated that you haven't worked in three years due to sleep apnea. (????) I'm thinking that in three years time, you could have probably managed some successful treatment on that. Unemployment for years on end in conjunction with anger issues? I don't know how you two managed to stay together for this long. It's a wonder she didn't split two years ago.

 

All that said, it is NEVER too late to make positive, effective changes in your life. But that starts with YOU. It's your will, and your effort that will bring these changes about.

 

I still believe that your wife is WRONG to bring another man into the home with your children. No matter how grubby the windows of your personal 'glass house'....it doesn't mitigate her responsibility in good parenting. I would still advise you to seek legal counsel on this.

 

I the meantime though, why not grab a rag and start cleaning those windows?

 

You can do ALOT on your own. Libraries are chock full of self-help books that will REALLY get you thinking. You can find books as well, that will help you dust off that resume, so that you can get back out into the work-force.

 

When 'the man in the mirror' is pleased with you again......all these other problems are going to seem surmountable. Good self-esteem will make you feel powerful. There will be no mountain that you are afraid to climb.

[tonyp56]

I know that you are right, but it isn't that simple. I wish that it was, but it isn't. For starters, I have been battling this problem since I was 13-14 years old (I’m 28), I had problems going to school, etc... I've been to something like 10-13 different doctors for this plus 2-3 councilors when I was a teenager. It isn't a issue of not getting up because I don't want too, it is an issue of not being able to wake up to a alarm clock, fire alarm, cattle-prod--stun gun for you city folks—and yes my mom tried it on me when I was about 18 (I am unconscious, in other words I am unaware of my surroundings). I have fought this for years. Now, my anger issues, well, I’ve tried to work on that for a long time too. I feel like sometimes I am bi-polar or something, because the way my emotions go up and down, though I am down more than I am up.

 

I have a job lined up, it is my brother’s shop, my dad started it in 74 and my brother took it over in 96. Anyways I worked there for 7 years before and I guess I’ll be stuck there for the rest of my life too. I am taking college courses (since 9-1-2003) and I am working on Bachelor’s degree, so it isn’t like I am not trying to better myself. I understand your view-point, and you are right in so many ways, but that doesn’t mean it is any easier to fix everything around me. I feel like I am in a very dark hole and I’ve got so far to climb out that I don’t know that I’ll make it. However, I will do it, for my kids, and for myself.

 

Thanks,

[Ladyjane14]

I wonder if there would be any interest in your case for sleep doctor's conducting research? You might contact a few medical schools and ask. I'm doubtful that you'd get any sort of immediate results, but it sounds like you would be an interesting subject. Who knows, you might luck into something that ends up providing results.

 

In the meantime, you may not be able to afford counseling....but why not check in with your medical doctor and explain your situation? S/he can recommend some treatment for your depression, and hopefully get you stabilized, at least to the degree in which you can wait for therapy.

 

You may, as you study for your BS, consider career fields that offer a degree of flexibility in your schedule. And I would certainly think that getting an early start on your sleep schedule would be beneficial. Consider turning in early, so that you'll have reaped the benefits of a full 10-12 hours before you need to get up.

 

Right now, if you are....as you say...."unconscious" when sleeping, I don't believe the children are safe in your care unless there is another adult in the home. Unfortunately, if there was an emergency during the night, you wouldn't be able to wake up and take care of them.

 

Consider finding ways to address that problem as well. Possibly you could share a home with another family member, whereby you could BOTH benefit from dividing expenses as well as chores. Just make sure it's someone who is responsible and a good influence on your kids.

 

I know the problems might seem insurmountable to you right now....but they are not. I promise you, you'll feel sooooo much better, as you address each of them one by one. The solutions are there. It's just a matter of finding them.