Moving things forward with someone who lives a couple of hours away

[Missy Love]

I’ve been dating someone who lives just under two hours away. We hit it off well and just clicked on all things from the get go, which is why things have progressed and moved forward despite living a short distance away. This hadn’t been an issue really, because we did a lot of virtual dates and would visit each other on the weekends when we could. We are both in a place in our lives where we don’t want to date just for the sake of doing so, but want to date because we both want to work towards a marriage. Now that things are starting to progress further, it’s getting hard to not be more integrated in each other’s lives due to the distance. It’s hard to keep moving things forward because it feels a little limited due to the distance. We do communicate everyday.  We are also both quite established in our jobs and so neither one of us wants to relocate away from our job right now because it is hard to make a career transition during this time. Any thoughts? 

[d0nnivain]

Sit down with a map.  Plot where you both work & figure out where the middle is.  Is that do-able? 

Meanwhile keep talking & dating & having fun. 

Both of you keep your eyes open & apply for interesting positions that make closing the distance possible.   

[Watercolors]

38 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

I’ve been dating someone who lives just under two hours away. We hit it off well and just clicked on all things from the get go, which is why things have progressed and moved forward despite living a short distance away. This hadn’t been an issue really, because we did a lot of virtual dates and would visit each other on the weekends when we could. We are both in a place in our lives where we don’t want to date just for the sake of doing so, but want to date because we both want to work towards a marriage. Now that things are starting to progress further, it’s getting hard to not be more integrated in each other’s lives due to the distance. It’s hard to keep moving things forward because it feels a little limited due to the distance. We do communicate everyday.  We are also both quite established in our jobs and so neither one of us wants to relocate away from our job right now because it is hard to make a career transition during this time. Any thoughts? 

It's unfortunate that you chose to date someone who doesn't live in your city, who is committed to his job, and who isn't interested in relocating to be with you. 

How long have you two been dating? I think you need to end things with each other. This just can't progress towards a serious relationship that leads to marriage, since neither of you are willing to give up your jobs to relocate to the other person's city. Because, that's the #1 thing that has to happen, for your relationship to transition from digital to offline, full-time. 

Sure, some people can date long distance for years and even marry each other, but remain on opposite coasts. If breaking up is not an option, but neither is relocation, then you two will just have to accept that you will continue to build your relationship long distance and that it will remain that way, at least for now. 

I never waste my time with long distance relationships for this exact reason. Dating locally is much easier for practical purposes. 

[Missy Love]

Ideally, we wouldn’t live in different cities, but we met each other and had a strong enough connection that we wanted to continue to date. I understand him not wanting to leave his job, and I am in a similar situation where I don’t want to leave mine. We are both open to other opportunities, but it’s not easy to find new jobs at the moment. I feel a little stressed when talking about the future because there doesn’t seem to be an answer. We both want to continue the relationship and works towards a future together. 

[d0nnivain]

As long as you are both open to looking for new jobs, continuing to date seems fine.  If one of worse, both of you were entrenched against change, then I'd say break it off.  

You don't have to figure this out in the next few days / weeks, do you? 

[Missy Love]

We don’t have to figure it out in the next few days, but we have talked about sometime this year moving in, or at least closer to each other, and working towards engagement. 

[Watercolors]

17 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

Ideally, we wouldn’t live in different cities, but we met each other and had a strong enough connection that we wanted to continue to date. I understand him not wanting to leave his job, and I am in a similar situation where I don’t want to leave mine. We are both open to other opportunities, but it’s not easy to find new jobs at the moment. I feel a little stressed when talking about the future because there doesn’t seem to be an answer. We both want to continue the relationship and works towards a future together. 

It also depends on what types of jobs you both have. Are they easily transferrable jobs? Are they hourly or salaried? Are you both well-established in your jobs enough to request a transfer if that's possible? This is what you two should discuss. It's part of moving your relationship forward. I understand that you are stressed, but you chose to be in this situation, so you have to take some responsibility here. You have to have the hard discussion. If you want to marry him, you need to be able to set aside pride and ego, and have transparent conversations with him. Otherwise, there's just no point. 

[d0nnivain]

3 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

We don’t have to figure it out in the next few days, but we have talked about sometime this year moving in, or at least closer to each other, and working towards engagement. 

How long have you been together?  That should inform when you cohabitate. Ideally you don't even have the conversation about living together until you have dated for at least 1 full year, IMO. 

Also getting your priorities in order, by making sure you both have jobs so that you can live together seems to be the best 1st step. 

Have you actively searched for a new position near him?  Have you sent a resume?  Has he?  If not, you are putting the cart before the horse.  Living together won't work if one of you resents having to move or worse moves only to become financially dependent on the other.  It has to be a team effort. 

[Missy Love]

About 6-months, but the connection is strong, and we are on the same page on  important things, like values. I am open to relocating to where he is so long as it doesn’t require me to drive hours to work. He feels relocating to my town permanently isn’t possible given the commute, at least should he keep his job. He says he’s open, but hasn’t looked for jobs in my location because he needs to be in his current job for now. We are both established and truly enjoy our current jobs. He feels that things will workout, as we aren’t that far away. One thing we both know for sure is that we are committed to each other and want a future together. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I would not make any moves without a proposal. It makes sense to uproot your life for a fiance but not a boyfriend. Personally, I'd want to date one full year before accepting a proposal. 

[d0nnivain]

That all sounds lovely -- in a pie in the sky, I'm in the throws of falling in love & have no concept of reality way.   Hey, it's a great feeling.  

But he doesn't "need" to be in his job right now.  He wants to be in it, as he should.  

Really it's waaaaayyyyy too early for you two to be dealing with relocation.  Go ahead send out some resumes to see what you can make happen for yourself job-wise closer to him but don't make any other concrete plans or sign a lease until you have a much clearer more concrete handle on the practical aspects of a move. 

Edited January 19, 2021 by d0nnivain

[ShyViolet]

There is really no solution to this unless one of you moves or changes jobs to be closer to the other.  This is why it's not a good idea to enter into long-distance relationships. 

[Perdu]

@Missy Love  Besides weekends, have you spend a longer period of time together? If not, I would consider that before relocating (like taking some time off from work and live together for like 10 days or more, or go on a vacation together, if you can). It gives you more insight of what life would really be near that person everyday, if you both look into marriage.

If you have done that and it's all good, you must agree on a compromise. You can't have the desired change without any of you making any change (jobwise, locationwise).

Looks to me that neither of you really wants to change jobs or location  right now and expects the other one to take the step, but if your relationship is the priority, one of you or maybe both must do that, at some point. If it doesn't feel right quite doing this now, maybe it's too early and you should continue to date long distance, since it's not that far. Meanwhile, you both can apply for jobs, maybe an attractive one comes along and the decision will be easier to make.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Missy Love said:

I’ve been dating someone who lives just under two hours away. We hit it off well and just clicked on all things from the get go, which is why things have progressed and moved forward despite living a short distance away. 

How long have you been dating? Allow things to evolve somewhat. If him moving or your moving is already a deal breaker, are you hoping as things progress one of you will change your minds?

[Missy Love]

About 6-months. I guess we will just keep going with the flow for now. Give it a little more time and experiences. I just don’t want to prolong anything. 

[d0nnivain]

16 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

I just don’t want to prolong anything. 

Prolonging is better than rushing into something 

If you are meant to be together forever, waiting until you have all the pieces in place won't damage your relationship. Going too fast will cause problems.  

[Foxhall]

 would you be open to a part time arrangement long term,

living together 3/4 days a week and apart the other days,

depends on whether you plan on having family or what stage in life your at I suppose.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Neither of you is working at home on zoom?

That would be great for you guys right now. One of you could go to the other's place (the place of the person working on zoom) and spend some days together. 

You can work this out. I say don't even force this or agonize about this. If this works, it has to work organically. 

 

 

[Missy Love]

We are both able to WFH, but that could change later this year. And yes, with the WFH, we have a little more flexibility. I realized that I have a little cold feet in general because of how committed it feels. I know that sounds bad. I finally met a really great who I am on the same page as, and who likes me too, and wants a future. It just scares me a little. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Missy Love said:

About 6-months. I guess we will just keep going with the flow for now. Give it a little more time and experiences. I just don’t want to prolong anything. 

Good idea. Of course it's an impasse right out of the gate, but 6 mos in is a good time to take the rosy glasses off and assess the sustainably of this vs how you feel about him.

You're in long enough but not too deep to make a good decision.

[d0nnivain]

6 hours ago, Missy Love said:

 It just scares me a little. 

It should.  These are milestone decisions, not to be taken lightly.  "Because we are in love" by  itself is not enough of a reason to make life changes. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Just think about small steps, the next step. So you can spend a few days with each other since you're both working from home. Try it out ... over time, the answer of what to do next should become clear. And if you find yourself initiating most of this "future" talk, you might chill, and show down a bit. Frequently, that's a sign that the other person isn't wanting the same. 

[Missy Love]

It’s actually the opposite where he is the one initiating the future talk more. I am fine just going with the flow a bit more. He has hinted that he wants to get married sometime this year. 

[Ruby Slippers]

25 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

It’s actually the opposite where he is the one initiating the future talk more. I am fine just going with the flow a bit more. He has hinted that he wants to get married sometime this year. 

It sounds like it's going very well and you have the right approach. I've frequently heard the general rule to date for a year before getting married, with general discussions about the topic along the way. You seem to be handling this the right way. It's nice to hear about a new relationship progressing smoothly. Enjoy!

[Alpacalia]

I would think you have to mutually decide if it is him or you that is going to relocate and take the necessary steps to find employment and living arrangements in the new location. Maybe not live together at first but give it a few months after relocating to adjust to the new area and the new job. Otherwise, tackling everything at once (relocating, new job, living together, marriage, etc.) may be too overwhelming.