Moving things forward with someone who lives a couple of hours away

[Missy Love]

Right, I guess it worries me that we are committed, but yet I am not sure if we want the same things in life in terms of where to settle, etc., even though we are on the same page about values. I think he feels that it’ll work out when we get there. We haven’t agreed on who would move or even a location where we would settle. When I ask, I don’t get much except that we should both have an open mind. It doesn’t seem like it’s a big deal to him. The only thing I do know for certain is that we are committed and want a future together. I am worried that he isn’t thinking about all the important things, but is in love. As I said, he has hinted about getting married. I know that’s not a bad thing, but I don’t want to commit to marriage and then find out we don’t want the same thing in a future in terms of where to settle down. At the same, everything else feels aligned. 

[Ruby Slippers]

4 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

We haven’t agreed on who would move or even a location where we would settle. When I ask, I don’t get much except that we should both have an open mind. It doesn’t seem like it’s a big deal to him. The only thing I do know for certain is that we are committed and want a future together. I am worried that he isn’t thinking about all the important things, but is in love. 

Has he given any indication of what he has in mind, that he's willing to move to your location or expects you'll move to his? I've had a few relationships where he brought up marriage, we agreed we both hoped it was going in that direction, and we discussed a general logistical plan for how it would work in terms of housing and jobs.

At 6 months, it's reasonable to lay out a general logistical plan beyond "having an open mind." Women are generally much more concerned about security and having a solid plan. Most women would need to know that makes sense to continue investing in the relationship.

[Missy Love]

Just that he would be open either way, and it’ll work out when we get there. 

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, Missy Love said:

He has hinted that he wants to get married sometime this year. 

That seems like a pace headed to divorce court.  You two are no where near ready to marry.  

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, Missy Love said:

Just that he would be open either way, and it’ll work out when we get there. 

Well, if he means that, it sounds pretty good. Six months is usually a key relationship landmark - proceed or no? Looks like everything is moving forward smoothly, which is great.

[Lotsgoingon]

If you guys can't have a forthright talk about where to live--weeding deep into all the details an the various pluses and minuses and taking trips to the location to scout it out on multiple nights, say--then he's delusional to be thinking you're ready to get married.

OP, I sense you're holding back. Do you find his lack of attention to the specifics of moving reflects some kind of immaturity on his part? Is he a detail person? Or is it his vagueness that bothers you. This is the time to really look closely at the relationship and notice any potential red flags, a time to REALLY look to see him and how he is, as opposed to who you might dream he could be.

Do you think his attachment or love for you is again, immature in some way? Say more if you like. 

[Wiseman2]

The only red flags so far are talking marriage after 24 weeks dating and just visiting each other once a week and the distance.

You really haven't lived in each other's lives much and talking marriage this early on is a huge red flag.

[Missy Love]

I think it’s that he wants to feel more commitment between us before we seriously consider having one of us move. He probably wouldn’t make that decision until after we are at least engaged, which I think is why he has hinted at getting married in the not too distant future. I am happy with the pace of the relationship, but also feel scared because I don’t quite know what the future would look like should we commit further. 

[chillii]

 

Explain that to him when it comes up just in light way , and he'll go off and think about it over a wk or two which he's probably doing right through if he's serious anyway. Takes time to get your head around things in a LD thing though , even though it's not really , 2 hrs ha l wish for us but yeah it still has it's dilemmas though none the less .

[Watercolors]

I really think he's delusional to suggest marriage so early on. And, like I wrote before, if you are too scared to address your concerns with him for fear of him getting angry and rejecting you, that itself is a red flag about your own dependency on validation. Don't you think? If you are going to marry someone, it's because you know them 100% and can talk to that person openly about your feelings without any fear or hesitation, which you have expressed here, in your thread, that you have 1) fear and 2) hesitation. You are hedging a lot in your responses, defending him, making excuses for him, which is also a huge red flag that you may have codependent tendencies. 

 

[Zona]

Tricky situation because I'm sure both of you would hate to have given up a good job in a pandemic if it doesn't work out. On the other hand, unless one of you bends, you may never know if it could have worked out.

I proposed to my wife after about 8 months, and we were married about 1 year after that. Neither of us had any doubts about getting married, and we only saw each other a few times a week before we were engaged because we both had busy work schedules.

Spend as much time together as you can and see if you can make it work, but don't waste too much time. Life goes by fast.

 

[Missy Love]

I think it’s that he is someone who values commitment, and if he is dating them, it’s because he wants to invest in a future, or at least sees the potential for a future. It’s refreshing to be with someone who values commitment as well, and knowing that someone isn’t dating for fun and games. If I am honest, it’s not about my feelings for him that’s giving me hesitation, but the thought of being tied to one person and one location (and we haven’t figured that out). I haven’t been this seriously committed in a long time, and I certainly don’t miss the dating world, but I do get scared about not being able to someday pick up and move to a place or stay in a place that is good for me, but perhaps not as good for him. It seems I’ll be giving up some of my own personal independence and success for the relationship should I move to where he is, but I know that comes with the territory of being in a long-term commitment. In the same way, that he would be giving up some of his, if he moves to where I am. The difference is, he doesn’t feel scared about losing this independence. And, neither of us will do anything sudden, but I also think we don’t want to prolong things for years. 

Edited January 25, 2021 by Missy Love

[Lotsgoingon]

It seems I’ll be giving up some of my own personal independence and success for the relationship should I move to where he is, but I know that comes with the territory of being in a long-term commitment. In the same way, that he would be giving up some of his, if he moves to where I am. The difference is, he doesn’t feel scared about losing this independence. 

This is why you want to take things only a step at a time. But there is something odd that you're picking up. I say pay attention to that odd feeling, even if you can't fully articulate it. Don't assume that random discomfort is not logical or rational. Might be your nervous system picking up something that your rational mind is missing. 

[FMW]

Your concerns and doubts are reasonable - you've only been seeing him 6 months.  I'm sure that seems like a long time, but in the scheme of things it's just a moment in time.  Your weekends together are not good barometers of what day to day togetherness would be like.  Thinking it will all just work out is something love struck teenagers who haven't had to deal with much of real life do.  Him making the firm choice to stay where he is with his job but saying things will work out to me translates as him expecting you to be willing to make all the compromises to be together.    

If you seriously want to pursue marriage, take advantage of the current opportunity you have to work remotely by spending several days during the week together, as has been suggested.  That will give you more opportunity to get to know each other in ways that should clear up some of your questions and doubts.  

[Missy Love]

These doubts aren't a reflection of my feelings on him, but more that I'm not sure that we are going in the same direction in life, and that's important for the growth of a relationship, even if values and feelings are aligned. At the same time, only a couple of hours apart seems silly to try to not figure something out. 

[FMW]

27 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

These doubts aren't a reflection of my feelings on him, but more that I'm not sure that we are going in the same direction in life

That's why you need to spend more time together, those things reveal themselves when you actually share life and aren't just having weekends together.  Take your time and stay together a few days during the week while you can still work remotely.    

[Missy Love]

We have been able to spend a little more time together, but these days, it feels that when he comes and visits me, it can feel like an interruption. I find myself catering to him when he visits and then don’t get much personal down time. 

[basil67]

In what ways do you need to cater to him when he visits? 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Missy Love said:

, it feels that when he comes and visits me, it can feel like an interruption. I find myself catering to him 

Do you alternative visiting/hosting?

Don't be a bed and breakfast.

Make sure things are even so this resentment doesn't start building.

[Missy Love]

We don't alternate visiting because of his living situation with a roommate. It is easier for him to visit since I don't have one. It does mean that he is usually the one traveling to visit, which is nice. What I mean is that it's always having to make sure he is comfortable. He has left some of his stuff here, but never asked, just assumed. I find that he arranges things when he visits to the way he likes. Not like move around furniture but cleans or tells me how I can keep it cleaner. There have been times when we've had a disagreement, and he has needed space, but he proceeded to need that at my place. I just feel that when he visits, I have to drop how I usually live, to make sure he's comfortable. Maybe there's this feeling that he thinks it's his place too when he's here, but that isn't the case. He does usually bring food to eat. It's also that he feels ready to get engaged sometime this year, and similarly, I feel it's because it's what he wants, but I feel it's too soon. 

Edited March 18, 2021 by Missy Love

[d0nnivain]

Someone's cleaning style can make or break a relationship.  Neat freaks tend to have little patience for slobs & it becomes a point of contention.  I'm starting to see this in you two.  I am not calling you a slob.  I am pointing out that his expectations that something be done his way & just so are problematic.  

I need space / alone time too & it can be hard in the beginning of a relationship, trying to find that balance of being alone but still together.  That is why there are man caves.  It's good for each partner to have some space they can go to when they need to be alone.  You two haven't found that balance & it can be grating while you deal with those growing pains in your relationship. It requires some biting of your tongue while you figure it out. Balancing the romance of having your LDR person around with the needs of life (doing laundry, grocery shopping etc.) is just one more thing you have to figure out.  

You sound like you are starting to resent him as an an intrusion & that is not good.  It may be that this relationship has run its course for you. 

Edited March 18, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Fletch Lives]

There are plenty of married couples who live apart and just see each other on the weekends.

 

It sounds like things are going well. Why not just appreciate what you have and enjoy it?

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, Missy Love said:

We don't alternate visiting because of his living situation with a roommate. It is easier for him to visit since I don't have one. It does mean that he is usually the one traveling to visit, which is nice. What I mean is that it's always having to make sure he is comfortable. He has left some of his stuff here, but never asked, just assumed. I find that he arranges things when he visits to the way he likes. Not like move around furniture but cleans or tells me how I can keep it cleaner. There have been times when we've had a disagreement, and he has needed space, but he proceeded to need that at my place. I just feel that when he visits, I have to drop how I usually live, to make sure he's comfortable. Maybe there's this feeling that he thinks it's his place too when he's here, but that isn't the case. He does usually bring food to eat. It's also that he feels ready to get engaged sometime this year, and similarly, I feel it's because it's what he wants, but I feel it's too soon. 

For these reasons, I am a firm believer of living together before you commit to marriage. You really don't know someone fully until you've lived with them. I'm also a person who needs my space - even if that means spending some time alone in the bedroom reading or listening to my music. If you are truly compatible with someone, you shouldn't feel obligated to "drop how you usually live" to make sure he's comfortable. 

Go with your instinct on this. If you feel it's too soon, then it's too soon. There's no hurry and don't let him rush you into anything. Keep getting to know one another. You're still in the "stars in your eyes" phase of your relationship. Let some of the newness wear off and really get to know each others' idiocyncrasies before you make any career or living commitments and for crying out loud....pay attention to ANY flags and explore them to the fullest!!