Help!! I dumped him and now I want him back..

[Princess1975]

Hey!! I've been an observer here for several days.. I've really learned from each one of you guys - but I still need for some personal advice!! Here's my story...it's a bit long but I really need to see someone else'spoint of view for I don't know what to think:

 

I love mi exbf with all my heart!! We were in a LDR for 1.5ys and everything was great...up until 6 wks before breaking-up!! We saw each other once per month, talked by phone like 3-4 times per week, and used email and msn everyday.. The thing is that all of a sudden things started becoming weird.

 

He came to meet my family on the 4th month together (for my bday, he spent a week at my place and even came with his sister and her bf), I went to meet his on the 8th month (for New Year's - I spent a week at his place). We had all this talks before meeting his family about next steps and doing things right and stuff.. So after meeting his folks we talked about our relationship..he comes up saying that he loves me and I'm perfect, but that I arrived at a moment in which he really didn't expected me, but he wanted to figure out how to fit me in his life for he didn't want to lose me. I must say he's a lawyer and graduated 3.5ys ago.. (I'm 30 and he's 29)

 

I didn't push the issue further, and we continued our LDR normally. We celebrated our 1º year together and a month after that, he started acting weird. I confronted him and he said he knew he hadn't been the best bf in the last wks and that it was bc he knew we needed to take next steps and he didn't know if he was ready for that! I didn't put pressure on him ever, but he said he just knew it and felt pressured!! He said I was the best gf he ever had, that I was perfect and that he knew he'd never find a girl like me again, but that he just didn't know. At the same time he said that for him our LDR was a fairy-tale for things were not real...it was too good to be true! So, we talked about moving-in together (me going to his city..I live in Mexico and he lives in FL) and when I said I'd do it, he said he didn't really know if he was ready for that type of committment or not. I told him I did know what I wanted and sent him to think about his issues...I asked him for a break (NC) and he agreed. He called me 4 days after that and we started talking again and 9 days after the break we were back together. He said he had missed me a lot and wanted me to be part of his life.

 

Everyhting was great for 2 months, then he went abroad on vacations with his family and for job matters (for 3wks) and at first he'd call me, mail me and stuff.. The last week he was away, I sent him a mail for I had heard no word from him for 5 days.. This is where the 6wks-from-hell started..! He called me that night and though I was angry, we talked but I sent him a nasty email next day and he got pissed. He said he wouldn't call until he was back in US. I called him the day he arrived and he was very sick.. Bad idea, for he arrived on a Tue and my bday was ob Sat and hw already had his plane ticket for Fri. The dr didn't allow him to travel so he couldn't make it..

 

The whole month (August) he would plan on coming, but at the end wouldn't make it, so I would get pretty pissed off, mainly bc I missed him BAD and wanted to see him!! I would send him mails saying it was over like 2 or 3 times, but he'd call me promising me things and saying things'd change and stuff, so we would end up together again. To top it all off, I decided on taking a 4-day-vac's with a friend of mine to a beach.. He got pissed - why?? He went away to LAmerica for almost A MONTH!!! The thing is that on Labor Day wkend he didn't say a word but I found out he went to Argentina with some friends.. I felt soooo bad... He knew I had found out and didn't know what to do. He sai he was sorry, but later told me he did exactly what I was going to that wkend (party w/friends).. I got pissed and started acting really up-tight, stuck-up and not nice.. He was kind of begging all the time.

 

I went for my vac's and he called me one day at 5am and made his friend leave me a stupid message.. I called him next day really angry and he didn't know what to do!! So we we're going to meet the next weekend in TX and we said we would talk there.. Of course, all this time, I blocked him from msn and wouldn't take all his calls or answer his emails. He ended up asking my friends about me..

 

We met in TX and te 1º day was awful...we almost broke up there. Afterwards, we started talking and things were perfect. He promised me things would be different, he asked me for time for him to show me how he cared about me and stuff.. BUT, I found out that the wkend before that (while I was at the beach) he met a girl.. When I confronted him, 2 days after we were together, he was shocked.. So like he didn't answer who she was and stuff, he told me he'd call me later. An hour passed and like he didn't calle me, I call him, he didn't answer his phone (3x) so I left him this message saying it was over... He called me later, and we talked and he admitted he had met this girl 2wks before, but that it wasn't about her..our relationship was not OK and he was sick of drama and issues, and besides he wanted time for himself.. He said he didn't want to have a gf anymore!! I was shocked.. I really thought he would try to convince me to stay together.. Besides he mentioned the next steps and that I wanted to take things to the next level and that he was oing to do it for me, but that he didn't want to. So, it was official, we broke up..

 

We didn't talk for 2wks, so then I decided to sent him an email.. He answered very cold, but he said he'd call me someday soon! 2 days later, I called him and he didn't answer, so I sent him a mail telling him I was very happy for I was promoted in mu job.. He called me to congratulate me and we talked for a while. 4 days later I called him, he didn't answer so I left him a message. he didn't call back so at night I called him again and was pretty sure he wasn't going to answer, but he did.. We talked for a while about us.

 

I poured my heart out - I really love him and wanted him back! I said I wasn't calling to ask for reasons or stuff, but to fix the prob. I said I loved him a lot and was ready to turn te page and start from scratch. He said he loved me a lot too, but he was not emotionally OK...he wasn't ready to turn the page and start again just like that. He said he was very confused.. I asked him if I could help him and he just asked me for time.. I said I'll respect that and that I'd get lost. He said for me not to get lost entirely, but that talking daily wouldn't help him.. So OK, I respected him.

 

Last night (5 days w/no contactt) I sent him a mail just telling him I was thinking 'bout him and that I hoped he'd had a nice week.. And of course, I apologized for contacting him, but said that all I wanted is for him to know that I was there and he could count on me. Today, 1º thing in the morning, he answered the mail saying he'd call me this wkend and he wished me a nice day.. I even bought a ticket for next week for me to go and talk to him.. I'm thinking on cancelling it and maybe use it later on.

 

Now, I don't know what to expect. I have this feeling everything is going to work out.. ...but, I don't know!! Should I tell him I'm willing to do whatever it takes to have him back, that I definetly want a 2º chance?? What's your advice.. I am going nuts!!!!! What should I expect?? Should I visit him next week?? ...soon?? Please help... =)

[d'Arthez]

Things don't look too good. Practically all of the initiatives undertaken were by you. If he were interested in making things work, he would have done moree than occasionally taking up the phone, or answering one of your emails.

 

And the thing is LDRs are perfect if you want to compartimentalize your life. He can have "you", and you must trust him, not to go after other girls. As he has to trust you, that you aren't interested in other men. Because this is a LDR he does not have to spend much physical time together with you.

The lie about the girl, whomever she was is significant. You can absolutely have no idea on what he is doing, other than what he makes you believe he is doing. There is a trust issue now.

 

He has his job, and the obligations that come with that. But right now, he believes, or at least tells you he believes, that he does not have the time and strength for a relationship. LDRs are draining, as you don't see him for 28 days in a month.

He may be speaking the truth, or not. It probably does not matter . Either way he has given you a clear indication that he does not want to continue the relationship.

 

Perhaps it is because of the "drama"? It is easy to call everything drama if you are the one who cannot commit for whatever reason, or find the distance too much of a hassle. He may think he has a point, and the only chance you have is by listening to him, and explaining why you behaved as you did. You cannot be in a LDR indefinitely.

 

I am not one to give you a recommendation, whether or not to ask for a second chance. You could, but the distance between Mexico and Florida, will be a highly frustrating factor in everything.

 

If you are going to attempt to reconcile a few pointers:

1. time-schedule for how long this LDR thing is going to last. It can't be forever.

2. commitment issues. You cannot be half-committed in a LDR.

3. Accepting that the both of you have lives beyond the job and eachother.

4. Work on the trust issues

5. Communication! Quality over quantity. And that means regular monitoring of where the relationship is heading.

[Princess1975]

Thanks for your answer.. I do see things the way you are putting them, but I believe that where there is love, everything is possible. He's calling me today, so let's see what happens.. =)

[Princess1975]

I forgot to mention something.. Ever since we met, he's told me that since the 1º time he saw me he felt something special. Even the last time we spoke, he said that what confuses him the most is the fact that whenever he sees me or we are together, everything is perfect and though we might argue a bit, everything works out fine. The problem is when we are apart.. If he sees me again, he'll fall again, I know it!! So what does this mean?? I guess he has this major conflcit between having me (his perfect girl) vs having his singlehood.. Don't you see it this way?? He's been pretty honest with me, and I know he loves me and wants the best for me... Should I just give him his space for him to miss me or be there a bit so that he doesn't forget about me?? GUYS, any input will be appreciated... I want for us to be together!!

[d'Arthez]

It is not a question of preferring his singlehood, necessarily. But it is hard to maintain a LDR, even under the best of circumstances. And one weekend a month is not much at all - it leaves 28 days or so that you have to rely on phonecalls, IM, et cetera, instead of "real-world" interaction.

 

If that is the case, the whole distance is the main issue. And if he can convince himself of that, and the both of you would be able to work out a time-line for the LDR to become a relationship that is not marked by the distance you may have a chance.

 

Still, with the two of you being in different countries that might be hard, especially if you don't have the same nationality. If the two of you decide to try and restart the LDR, think of these possible issues too. Bureaucracy can only be swayed by forms and legal procedures, not by notions of love and wanting to be together.

[allaboutchoices]

In my opinion he feels trapped in that relationship; you come across as clingy and desperate. Men loose respect when you do that. You said it was over, but you called him right back. Many times. You create a lot of drama in your and his life, and that's hard to take at times. I don't mean to offend you, I am just saying what I am seeing.

Maybe you should do NC (a real one) for a while so you can focus on your self and he has time to decide what he really wants. If you do, DO NOT call him.

Good luck!

 

P.S. I forgot to mention that not seeing each other for 28 days out of each month will give you both a lot of time to idealize each other and the relationship. That would explain his statement about when you don't see each other, everything is perfect.

[Princess1975]

 

P.S. I forgot to mention that not seeing each other for 28 days out of each month will give you both a lot of time to idealize each other and the relationship. That would explain his statement about when you don't see each other, everything is perfect.

 

 

AAC, what he says is that when we ARE together, everything is perfect, problems arise when we are apart...so tht's why I say that distance is the problem, but in order to solve that issue, he needs to resign to his singlehood, and that's the conflict he has... Don't you think??

 

Thanx guys for your advice!! He called me a while ago but like I was out with a group of friends that came from Spain, we concluded it'd be better if he called tomorrow, for he said he wants to talk with me.. Let's see what happens!!

[Princess1975]

Just a quick update here... My ex and I have been in touch throughout the week.. We have talked about giving it a 2º try, but are going to take things slowly.

 

Things are getting a bit more complex for I met another guy just a day before he stared contacting me. This other guy is a sweetheart, but also lives pretty far away (Spain).. We met last weekend and he left 2 days later!! We are in touch daily and he's making plans for maybe coming down here for 1 or 2 months...

 

So what I can say, is that now that I'm not that obsessed with my ex, bc theres someone else i'm interested in, he's now calling me and contacting me all the time.. So yes, I guess NC and giving them their space, does really work!!

 

Good luck to you all and thank you for listening to me!!

[westernxer]

This other guy is a sweetheart, but also lives pretty far away (Spain)..

 

Larga distancia

mata romancia.

[whereismylifegoing]

yo queiro taco bell! (isn't that mexican?)

[westernxer]

(isn't that mexican?)

 

Spanish (but you're close enough).

[Princess1975]

Hello... Just to let you know I'm SUPER HAPPY!! My bf just came to visit me this past weekend, we talked things over, each of us accepted the guilty part we played, and just decided we would give it a try again.. We started talking 3 weeks ago, and he decided this past week he'll come down.. He came, we talked and we are back together!!

 

I can say 2° chances DO existe in LDR's too...

 

I'm sure things will work out this time, for we have this horrible experience as a background for things we should avoid in order for us not to be "there" again! In generl, our LDR was 90% great and 10% terrible...so I guess we learned whatever we had to learn from that 10%, so this time I'm sure things will be great!! =)

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

im very happy for you im glad things worked out fine for you....just becarefull with what you do and say....take care of your relationship and enjoy your second chance.. (your lucky u have a second chance....unlke other ppl:( )