Is my wife being selfish?

[panteraplan]

I've been with my girl for 3 years, married for 1. I'm 35, she's 34. We've known each other a long time but only started dating 3 years ago.

 

We had an argument about finances, recently. We both work but I've disappointed her because I didn't get the raise at work that I was expecting was coming and

so she's now worried about how we'll be able to pay for things once we try and get pregnant. We've planned and decided she will quit her FT job and stay at home while I work

my FT job once we are blessed with a baby.

 

I've been looking for new opportunities for work but it's been slow going because of all that's going on in the world. It's definitely on my mind that I will need more income

but I know I'll eventually find something. I'm going to double my efforts in the next couple of weeks.

 

We've had a few tiffs like this in the past months (I think she's just stressed and worried) and I get the feeling like she doesn't think I'm working hard to try and find a way to

support us, even though when I ask her she says she KNOWS I'm working hard. I at times get resentful because I work way more hours than she does and I do a lot for us. When she's angry, she'll make comments like "Why is my life like this?"  or "Why is this happening to me, I don't get it?". She claims she's not being selfish and cares about "us" but I just don't know why she says stuff like that and what I'm supposed to say to it. 

Am I supposed to feel guilty and work even harder?

 

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, panteraplan said:

"Why is my life like this?"  or "Why is this happening to me, I don't get it?". She claims she's not being selfish and cares about "us" but I just don't know why she says stuff like that and what I'm supposed to say to it. 

I'd like to tell her that the world doesn't revolve around her.    Seriously though, what exactly does she feel that she's a victim of?

Anyway, writing as someone who's been a stay at home mum (and now carer), people no longer have the 'job for life' security which we used to have.   During our 23 years with hubby supporting us, he's had bonuses which haven't happened because the company wasn't doing so well.  Pay rises which haven't happened for the same reason. He's been retrenched.  He's had companies which have outsourced all their workers overseas and lost a job there too.   He's had to change jobs because they became unsatisfactory.   So if you're going to support her, there needs to be a discussion around "what if" any of these things happen to you while she's a stay at home mum.    Because they WILL happen, so you need a plan.

What's her income like?  Is she a conservative spender or frivolous?  

Edited January 20, 2021 by basil67

[d0nnivain]

Only she knows why she is staying that but getting pregnant & worrying about how you will pay for a child is stressful.  Given her age, she hears her bio clock ticking & it's making her more anxious.  

Sometimes you just have to have faith. 

Try writing out a budget & seeing where you can cut.  Start reading cites about frugality, savings etc.  Work together to come up with a plan.  In the plan include specifics about new jobs you will seek & how often you will send out resumes

[panteraplan]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'd like to tell her that the world doesn't revolve around her.    Seriously though, what exactly does she feel that she's a victim of?

##################

What's her income like?  Is she a conservative spender or frivolous?  

Her income isn't huge, she works at the YMCA as a front desk agent. She volunteers for homeless shelters and helps place stray dogs in home

so, she has a heart and she's kind. But, she seems to get mad at ME for the things that happen in life.. such as what you mentioned with your hubby. I think it's just fear in her that

comes out as anger toward and I get the honors of dealing with it. She doesn't spend a lot but she does envy our peers that have more than we do. She talks comments about it

from time to time. 

[panteraplan]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Only she knows why she is staying that but getting pregnant & worrying about how you will pay for a child is stressful.  Given her age, she hears her bio clock ticking & it's making her more anxious.  

Sometimes you just have to have faith. 

Try writing out a budget & seeing where you can cut.  Start reading cites about frugality, savings etc.  Work together to come up with a plan.  In the plan include specifics about new jobs you will seek & how often you will send out resumes

Thank you for this.

 

[littleblackheart]

18 minutes ago, panteraplan said:

Am I supposed to feel guilty and work even harder?

No 🙂.

She's pregnant, stressed and probably feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders.

How far along is she?

 

[panteraplan]

Just now, littleblackheart said:

No 🙂.

She's pregnant, stressed and probably feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders.

How far along is she?

 

She's not, yet. We're planning to try in the next few months

[littleblackheart]

Just now, panteraplan said:

She's not, yet. We're planning to try in the next few months

My bad 🥴. Yes, she's probably thinking too far ahead. 

On the trying part, are you waiting for the end of the pandemic? 

[panteraplan]

15 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

My bad 🥴. Yes, she's probably thinking too far ahead. 

On the trying part, are you waiting for the end of the pandemic? 

No, more waiting to see if I can find a better job that pays more so we aren't affected much when she finally does quit

 

 

[littleblackheart]

1 minute ago, panteraplan said:

No, more waiting to see if I can find a better job that pays more so we aren't affected much when she finally does quit

 

 

Fair enough.

Something to keep in mind - you don't know how long it'll take for her to get pregnant or for you to find a better paid job 🙂. Can you cope on your current salary?

[panteraplan]

4 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

Fair enough.

Something to keep in mind - you don't know how long it'll take for her to get pregnant or for you to find a better paid job 🙂. Can you cope on your current salary?

We could but, It would be tough. We'd have to stretch a little thin. And, I don't think she's ok with that. As much as I love her, I could see her holding it against me when we

have to buy "the cheaper" diapers or whatever we need because I don't make enough. 

[littleblackheart]

18 minutes ago, panteraplan said:

We could but, It would be tough. We'd have to stretch a little thin. And, I don't think she's ok with that. As much as I love her, I could see her holding it against me when we

have to buy "the cheaper" diapers or whatever we need because I don't make enough. 

Ah. The bolded is not great. Nappies / diapers are all the same, branded or not. 

I'm sorry I don't know what to suggest, other than  maybe do both at the same time? Even if she falls pregnant straight away, that still leaves you 9 months to find a job. Sounds like you're under pressure anyway.

 

Edited January 21, 2021 by littleblackheart

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, panteraplan said:

We could but, It would be tough. We'd have to stretch a little thin. And, I don't think she's ok with that. As much as I love her, I could see her holding it against me when we

have to buy "the cheaper" diapers or whatever we need because I don't make enough. 

This is a deep rooted mindset about money which will have to change.  No more "keeping up with the Joneses."  You can live luxuriously but not pay full price.  Shop sales.  Cook at home.  Buy used. Go on vacation during the so called "shoulder seasons" when things are cheaper, rather than during high season.   

You don't have to buy cheap junk just because it's inexpensive; rather learn to invest.  Would you rather have 5 pairs of $20 pants that will wear out in a year or 1 great pair of quality trousers that you bought on sale with a coupon that will last for a decade, assuming your weight doesn't change too much.  

I got our solid mahogany bedroom set with lounge & groove real wood drawers  at a garage sale in a high end neighborhood more than 20 years ago for about $200.  It probably cost over $4,000 brand new.  We buy & drive used cars -- buy with low mileage but you then don't have to deal with depreciation.  We shop sales & discounters like Aldi & Walmart.   As a result we have money in the bank but all our relatives who buy new cars every few years, wear designer clothes & shop at over priced high end grocers are 1-2 pay checks away from not being able to make rent.  

Your wife may need a financial education to make this work. She may resent you for that; it easier to just buy without thinking but I think it's fun to go on these treasure hunts for great values.  You don't have to skimp but you have to be cautious.  For example I have a pair of expensive designer boots; they were probably $600 new but I got them off season on clearance for about $75.  

[Interstellar]

Money is the one of the top reasons why couples divorce or breakup. You should’ve talked about how you’re gonna spend or save money before you got serious with her. 

Watch Dave Ramsey on Youtube. He’s got a lot of great financial advice. He’s like the tough love uncle you never want to disappoint, lol.

Edited January 21, 2021 by Interstellar

[Perdu]

She is obviously stressed by the whole thing (future pregnancy, bio clock ticking, economical instability, her not being able to afford all the nice things she wants ), but if you are working hard and doing your best, you should not feel guilty. It's not like you are supposed to have a magical wand and take care of her life problems. 

Her taking her anger on you is not good for you, on the long term. Let her know that she should try to find another way to cope, for the sake of your marriage.

Try to develop several financial strategies together, so that it won't be so much pressure if one strategy turns out not to be great.

We are living in stressful times and couples must work as a team, not playing the blame game.

[Wiseman2]

Being a SAHM is a huge mistake for her in this economy as well as the dynamic shift this drudgery will inflict on her and your marriage. Add to that the stress of a new child. 

Rethink this. If/when you decide to start a family (sounds like time is running out) figure out a way for both of you to take some leave, but then return to work,at least part time.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

14 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Your wife may need a financial education to make this work

I like this idea, and expanding upon it:

I think you should initiate some together activities about personal finance. Someone mentioned Dave Ramsay, I also like Suze Orman, go to local presentations (after Covid), tv programs, books, online tools and blogs, YouTube videos.

Make it a regular thing you do together to educate yourselves on how you will secure your financial future together. Then, put her in charge of creating and monitoring a budget that you both approve of. This will help make her accountable for her part in supporting your financial future. It may give her incentive to look for ways to save instead of spend.  It will give her something to focus on when she's not working (instead of trying to slave drive you into earning more, more, more). It might give her a sense of control over finances rather than trying to control you (i.e. your job, your income, how much you work)...by her focusing on saving and budgeting she may feel she has control over resources while working with what you are earning. Otherwise, without her taking responsibility for the budget, she may just see you as the provider who needs to earn more, do more, be more in order to sustain your family. I hope I'm communicating clearly my idea.

Edited January 21, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[FMW]

Financial education is a very good idea and can be very helpful if she's open to it.  She certainly needs to be willing to economize and live on a tighter budget.    

The bigger issue I see is her expectation that it's your obligation alone to take care of your future family financially, that goes beyond just financial savvy.  Not everyone is able to have one person stay at home to care for the children while the other provides for all the financial needs.  Of course that's ideal (for those who want that), but you have to deal with reality.  She needs to realize employment and earnings can be uncertain and fluctuate.      

[panteraplan]

3 hours ago, FMW said:

Financial education is a very good idea and can be very helpful if she's open to it.  She certainly needs to be willing to economize and live on a tighter budget.    

The bigger issue I see is her expectation that it's your obligation alone to take care of your future family financially, that goes beyond just financial savvy.  Not everyone is able to have one person stay at home to care for the children while the other provides for all the financial needs.  Of course that's ideal (for those who want that), but you have to deal with reality.  She needs to realize employment and earnings can be uncertain and fluctuate.      

 

With her, she tends to hold past things over my head that I've not been able to follow through on. 

Early last year, we had talked about getting a washer and dryer so we don't have to go to the local laundry a block away (which isn't the worst thing in the world) and I had said "Ok, well once I close this extra work deal, I'll use that toward a washer and dryer set" which would have been last summer. Well, Summer came and went, that particular deal fell through and she wasn't happy. Not mad, but disappointed. 

So now, whenever we have to go to the local laundry, she brings up the fact that I wasn't able to deliver on a washer dryer set like I said I could. And, she'll say it in a way that is shaming which I don't get. She's never been a cruel person but maybe she's just worried. Lately she's been saying "And how will I do laundry once a baby comes, if we don't even have a washer and dryer in our place?".

 

Edited January 21, 2021 by panteraplan

[panteraplan]

Thanks all for the advice.

Even in sharing here, I'm seeing a few issues that we need to work out on a team level before we even have a child.

[vla1120]

5 minutes ago, panteraplan said:

 

With her, she tends to hold past things over my head that I've not been able to follow through on. 

Early last year, we had talked about getting a washer and dryer so we don't have to go to the local laundry a block away (which isn't the worst thing in the world) and I had said "Ok, well once I close this extra work deal, I'll use that toward a washer and dryer set" which would have been last summer. Well, Summer came and went, that particular deal fell through and she wasn't happy. Not mad, but disappointed. 

So now, whenever we have to go to the local laundry, she brings up the fact that I wasn't able to deliver on a washer dryer set like I said I could. And, she'll it up bring up. And now lately she's  "And how am I going to do laundry once a baby comes, if we don't even have a washer and dryer in our place?".

 

It sounds to me like she's setting you up for failure. It's not exactly easy to get a new job in this COVID market, and you do not have control over that. That's great that she wants to stay home and take care of your child. I never got that opportunity because I was always the main breadwinner. I worked days and my husband worked evenings or nights when he could so that our kids had the benefit of a parent at home at least most of the time. It's not 100% up to you to solve this problem. The two of you need to seek solutions together. Otherwise, she will always blame you if things do not go the way she expects. After she recovers from the birth, is there any reason your wife couldn't get a part time job in the evening to help make ends meet until you land a job that will allow you to support the family on your sole income? (I was back to work very quickly after each child, and even when I was home, I was available by phone, or to work remotely, but that's me.)

Also, if she continues to blame you and hold the past over your head, it may be time to go talk to a professional. Having to live with someone's constant criticism and being made to feel inadequate does not exactly bode well for a marriage.

[Ruby Slippers]

16 hours ago, Interstellar said:

Watch Dave Ramsey on Youtube. He’s got a lot of great financial advice. He’s like the tough love uncle you never want to disappoint, lol.

I second this recommendation to listen to Dave Ramsey. He's Christian and fully supports couples who want to let the mom stay home with the kids and let dad be the sole breadwinner, unlike a lot of the secular advice you'll get on anonymous forums. He covers all the bases - budgeting, getting out of debt, improving career and increasing income, investing. If you call into his show and he answers your question, he'll probably give you a year of his financial planning program for free. I think they offer a free trial as well.

I've been following his plan for a couple of years, went from basically living paycheck to paycheck to doubling my salary and now on track to retire comfortably. 

[panteraplan]

42 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

It sounds to me like she's setting you up for failure. It's not exactly easy to get a new job in this COVID market, and you do not have control over that. That's great that she wants to stay home and take care of your child. I never got that opportunity because I was always the main breadwinner. I worked days and my husband worked evenings or nights when he could so that our kids had the benefit of a parent at home at least most of the time. It's not 100% up to you to solve this problem. The two of you need to seek solutions together. Otherwise, she will always blame you if things do not go the way she expects. After she recovers from the birth, is there any reason your wife couldn't get a part time job in the evening to help make ends meet until you land a job that will allow you to support the family on your sole income? (I was back to work very quickly after each child, and even when I was home, I was available by phone, or to work remotely, but that's me.)

Also, if she continues to blame you and hold the past over your head, it may be time to go talk to a professional. Having to live with someone's constant criticism and being made to feel inadequate does not exactly bode well for a marriage.

Thank you for this.

And you're right. I'm willing to accept blame for probably doing way too much to be an awesome husband but in doing so, have brought more stress on myself.

I'm tired of hearing the criticism, honestly. Puts me on edge waiting for her to say something negative about anything in her life because it all goes back to money. If we can't do this or that in our lives, it's because of money. If we can't afford a place with a cool pool out back, it's because of money. And when

I'm the only earner -- well, it's a hole I've gotten myself in and I can totally see now how it can worsen things between us. Glad to be pondering all of this BEFORE we have kids though. We have things to sort out.

 

Edited January 21, 2021 by panteraplan

[Lotsgoingon]

Why are you playing "daddy" in this relationship? Didn't you say you were married to a grownup? She's throwing tantrums like a young teenager spoiled that her parents want her to chip in for the cost of car insurance.

Did you miss this in your time of dating her? She's got some kind of spoiled mentality? Her job is to encourage you, nurture you, come up with creative ideas if she has any. Not just to throw a tantrum because you're not a millionaire? That whole line of "Why is this happening to me?"--dude, that is some bad news right there. Did you know you married a woman who thought like this, thought she was entitled to live a certain way.

She can go out and hustle her butt an make money and save it and help you guys out. Why is that not her responsibility? Well, she's not seeing that because she's apparently spoiled. Go slow right here. You don't want a relationship where you feel love pressure (not just reality pressure) to make more money from someone who comes up with no big ideas. And you need to stop playing the game--stop promising things to her. Wait til you GET the money before saying you will purchase X, Y and Z. In fact, a good strategy is to get the money first, then sit on it for a month or two. Don't rush out and spend. Enjoy the feeling of savings, and then decide to buy important items.

You guys need to get on all this on else you're headed for trouble. 

[mark clemson]

One issue is that, if she works, child care is likely to cost much of her take home pay for a service economy type job. This is one reason why some folks decide to have one parent (usually the one making less) stay home. Why miss so much time with the kid just to tread water.

I don't have an easy solution for this, just noting the situation. With our first, my wife worked and that paid for child care. For our 2nd she was home much of the first two years due to some specific issues in her career. For us, both situations worked out okay in the end, but I wouldn't say or think either is ideal for everyone.