Is my wife being selfish?

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't think this is about money. I think it's about the wife's sense of spoiled entitlement. 

[d0nnivain]

Financial education, some tough discussions, a budget & her stepping up to earn money now, before pregnancy are all per-requisites to financial success here. 

[littleblackheart]

17 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Why are you playing "daddy" in this relationship? Didn't you say you were married to a grownup? She's throwing tantrums like a young teenager spoiled that her parents want her to chip in for the cost of car insurance.

Did you miss this in your time of dating her? She's got some kind of spoiled mentality? Her job is to encourage you, nurture you, come up with creative ideas if she has any. Not just to throw a tantrum because you're not a millionaire? That whole line of "Why is this happening to me?"--dude, that is some bad news right there. Did you know you married a woman who thought like this, thought she was entitled to live a certain way.

She can go out and hustle her butt an make money and save it and help you guys out. Why is that not her responsibility? Well, she's not seeing that because she's apparently spoiled. Go slow right here. You don't want a relationship where you feel love pressure (not just reality pressure) to make more money from someone who comes up with no big ideas. And you need to stop playing the game--stop promising things to her. Wait til you GET the money before saying you will purchase X, Y and Z. In fact, a good strategy is to get the money first, then sit on it for a month or two. Don't rush out and spend. Enjoy the feeling of savings, and then decide to buy important items.

You guys need to get on all this on else you're headed for trouble. 

All of this. I totally take my previous post back (sorry for the really bad advice, OP - I don't know what I was thinking).

It was up to her parents to educate her financially; it's not the job of a husband to do it now, though you can encourage her by pointing her in the right direction if you want.

I also agree with @Lotsgoingonin that you need to tell her to get a better paying job herself as well so she can save up for when / if the time comes to start for a baby, then she can get a new washer dryer herself and or plan to stay at home.

As a single mother, I have had to do absolutely everything on my own (taking long maternity leave paid for by my own savings, raising my kids, working, studying, life, etc) - I can't even think of a reason or situation in which I'm not providing for my children myself. Becoming a parent isn't just about falling pregnant.

 

 

 

[vla1120]

23 hours ago, panteraplan said:

Thank you for this.

And you're right. I'm willing to accept blame for probably doing way too much to be an awesome husband but in doing so, have brought more stress on myself.

I'm tired of hearing the criticism, honestly. Puts me on edge waiting for her to say something negative about anything in her life because it all goes back to money. If we can't do this or that in our lives, it's because of money. If we can't afford a place with a cool pool out back, it's because of money. And when

I'm the only earner -- well, it's a hole I've gotten myself in and I can totally see now how it can worsen things between us. Glad to be pondering all of this BEFORE we have kids though. We have things to sort out.

It is definitely a good thing to be pondering all of this BEFORE kids. In my experience, kids and all the added responsibilities can make a marriage even more stressful. You'll need to build a strong foundation and it seems like you have your work cut out for you with your wife, unless she turns 180 and stops blaming you for every little thing she doesn't like about life. These are things a good therapist might be able to help her see (because if she hears it from you, she's probably not going to admit to having an "issue.") I agree with @Lotsgoingon, she has some growing up to do.

[Crazelnut]

Tell her to get up off her spoiled azz and get a real job that pays real money so she can save it all up and pay her share when she quits working. 

Her attitude is appalling, though. You need to think really hard before you permanently tie yourself to her with a child. She's really self-centered and unkind. Not a good prospect for long term happiness. You're going to be the whipping boy every time she doesn't get what she wants.

[basil67]

On 1/22/2021 at 6:16 AM, panteraplan said:

Lately she's been saying "And how will I do laundry once a baby comes, if we don't even have a washer and dryer in our place?".

It's a good point.  I can't begin to imagine having a baby without a washer and dryer on premises 😬

I'd be turning the question back to her with "I'm doing the best I can.  How about you think of some ways that you could step up and contribute financially to our goals"    

[panteraplan]

On 1/23/2021 at 11:47 AM, Crazelnut said:

Tell her to get up off her spoiled azz and get a real job that pays real money so she can save it all up and pay her share when she quits working. 

Her attitude is appalling, though. You need to think really hard before you permanently tie yourself to her with a child. She's really self-centered and unkind. Not a good prospect for long term happiness. You're going to be the whipping boy every time she doesn't get what she wants.

You're right. Admitting all of this makes her out to look like she's a money grubber or spoiled. She doesn't come from money, her family was very working class "just getting by" most of the time. At times, I have thought though she seems spoiled... but then again, I've done a lot (A LOT) so that she doesn't have to do so much. Not because I was insecure when I met her and wanted her to like me -- but because I always did a lot for my parents, my younger brother, friends etc. It's my nature to do as much as I can to help. It's my fault partly.

We started out all goo goo ga ga about each other but once we got married, the dynamic changed a bit. She's always been sweet and cares about helping others in need, volunteering, etc. but her behavior lately just puts me off. She also isn't as romantic as she once was with me. She just seems in Baby Mode. 

The part I hate is the constant criticism these days. I NEVER do anything for her with expectation. I'm not like that. But, after so much criticism, one can't get a little resentful and it flusters me. 

[FMW]

You need to talk to her, let her know how she affects you. Don't be aggressive about it, but don't back down from her.  

[panteraplan]

On 1/23/2021 at 5:13 PM, basil67 said:

It's a good point.  I can't begin to imagine having a baby without a washer and dryer on premises 😬

I'd be turning the question back to her with "I'm doing the best I can.  How about you think of some ways that you could step up and contribute financially to our goals"    

Agreed and that's why I want her to be comfortable while I'm at work. Maybe I care too much.

I do tell her I'm doing the best I can... the problem is she doesn't seem flexible. She keeps holding me to the fact that I said I would "find a better job because I want you to be able to stay home" etc etc. She asks me everyday how it's going. I tell her I'm trying but nothing, yet. Her responses are usually "Strange, because my stepbrother was able to find a new job no problem." or "How have you not found anything, yet?"  She seems put out and bummed about the idea we might have to wait longer to have a baby. It's as if it has become My Fault if we can't have one right away because we aren't financially secure. She's really harping on the fact that I shouldn't say those things if I can't follow through on them. It does make me feel bad but I also tell her, I'm doing my best in a confident way.

If we DO have to wait, she'll probably never let me hear the end of it.

 

 

 

Edited January 26, 2021 by panteraplan

[panteraplan]

3 minutes ago, FMW said:

You need to talk to her, let her know how she affects you. Don't be aggressive about it, but don't back down from her.  

I really am at a loss for HOW to tell her. I've definitely told her how I feel -- but she doesn't seem to get it. She's not cold, she does

have compassion but lately she just doesn't cut me any slack. It's not like I'm playing video games all day, all I do is work and come home

and spend time with her, go over my goals at night, look/apply for new opportunities and go to bed. Rinse, repeat.

 

[panteraplan]

On 1/21/2021 at 7:30 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

I don't think this is about money. I think it's about the wife's sense of spoiled entitlement. 

And, I think you're right. I especially think this after getting some insight from you all. 

It shocks the hell out of me when she says stuff that sounds selfish because it's kinda new to me. She wasn't always like this. And, she always says

it when she's stressed out about what I "didn't do" or what she "doesn't have" -- which has been a lot lately. 

 

[basil67]

@panteraplan the more you write, the worse it's sounding.   Holding things against you which aren't your fault, comparing you to others, daily criticisms.  How you haven't ripped her a new one is beyond me.  Kudos for being a very patient man.

I think you need marriage counselling.  And you need it ASAP.   Sell the idea as "it appears appears you've been very unhappy me and I believe support is needed before we get to the point of being ready for a baby".    And to be honest, you'd be a fool to bring an innocent life into a marriage where there's such disrespect going on.    A lot of couples leave it too late and by the time they end up in the counselors office, things are too broken to fix.  But you haven't quite reached the tipping point and some good support could help you through this.   

 

Edited January 26, 2021 by basil67

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 1/21/2021 at 6:08 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Being a SAHM is a huge mistake for her in this economy as well as the dynamic shift this drudgery will inflict on her and your marriage. Add to that the stress of a new child. 

Rethink this. If/when you decide to start a family (sounds like time is running out) figure out a way for both of you to take some leave, but then return to work,at least part time.

Put a potentially nursing infant with a stranger?

[panteraplan]

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

@panteraplan the more you write, the worse it's sounding.   Holding things against you which aren't your fault, comparing you to others, daily criticisms.  How you haven't ripped her a new one is beyond me.  Kudos for being a very patient man.

I think you need marriage counselling.  And you need it ASAP.   Sell the idea as "it appears appears you've been very unhappy me and I believe support is needed before we get to the point of being ready for a baby".    And to be honest, you'd be a fool to bring an innocent life into a marriage where there's such disrespect going on.    A lot of couples leave it too late and by the time they end up in the counselors office, things are too broken to fix.  But you haven't quite reached the tipping point and some good support could help you through this.   

 

lol, I appreciate it.

I am pretty patient even though some things with her drive me up the brick wall. I bite my tongue. I don't like to argue or criticize. I'm not a huge pushover but I've let things

slide with her for sure. I am too blame for that. 

 

[panteraplan]

Thank you all.

 

I'll calm down with the posting, gotta leave room for others' questions on this forum and not hog all of the space 😄. I appreciate all the advice.

I'll definitely talk with her. Things need to change. In my stubborn mind, I just want to solve it all on my own, crush the crap out of my hustle, get that

job, improve things -- just to show her and just to gain some personal balance before I have a huge sit down with her. And THEN, start implementing some new

strategies and suggestions to change things in our marriage.

 

But, I know I should probably just talk with her first so that I don't grow more resentful and stressed out trying to please her.

 

[basil67]

You're hardly a hog of space

I understand you wanting to solve it all on your own, but when you're part of a couple, problem solving requires participation of both parties.  Sure, you can put down boundaries as to how you'll be treated, but until she understands what's going wrong and actively participates in making things better, the problems will remain.

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, panteraplan said:

She just seems in Baby Mode. 

The part I hate is the constant criticism these days. I NEVER do anything for her with expectation. 

Marriage/couples counseling could help you get to the root of her moods and anger by opening line of communication. As you know, bickering is never about the topic that is being bickered about.

Edited January 26, 2021 by Wiseman2

[IslandSanctuary]

She is selfish. Tell her to go get another job. If you tolerate this now you'll tolerate worse down the track. If she can't understand that she's being horrible then just dump her - tell her to go find someone else to have kids with before her clock runs out. 
She makes me angry. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Get to some kind of counseling, marriage or/and individual. If you're afraid to talk to her, that's bad news. Really that means you should not be married to the person. 

Rule #1: you marry someone you're not afraid to talk to. Yes, many of us violate this basic rule. I did. I totally did and I had to get out of the marriage that resulted if I wanted to preserve any piece of sanity.

You need to be able to talk directly to each other--and hear each other--so that you two can support each other and work together as a team.

So, this disconnect means she's not giving you any emotional support. You're scrambling and acting as if you owe her a higher salary. And you guys are not working together on anything constructive.

Get to counseling because these conditions can only get worse over time. 

[pepperbird2]

On 1/20/2021 at 8:07 PM, panteraplan said:

No, more waiting to see if I can find a better job that pays more so we aren't affected much when she finally does quit

 

 

I was (and am) a stay at home mom to three kids. They all have developmental delays or chronic health conditions of one form or another, and they needed me to be at home with them.
Looking back, I think i did the right thing, with the important consideration being that, even though I stayed at home, I still work. It wasn't what my husband and I had planned or, but sometimes, you just have to find your way in the darkness.
If you don't mind a piece of advice, I would encourage your wife to keep working even if/when a new baby comes along, even if it's just part time. It will do wonders for her overall mental health, and also help to keep her out of the trap of having to find some way to make her own way if you guys split up, you lose your job, something happens to you etc. That way, she'll still be in the workforce.

There were times it saved me. Being able to make my own money and just the stimulation of being around other adults!

[panteraplan]

On 1/26/2021 at 5:40 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Get to some kind of counseling, marriage or/and individual. If you're afraid to talk to her, that's bad news. Really that means you should not be married to the person. 

Rule #1: you marry someone you're not afraid to talk to. Yes, many of us violate this basic rule. I did. I totally did and I had to get out of the marriage that resulted if I wanted to preserve any piece of sanity.

You need to be able to talk directly to each other--and hear each other--so that you two can support each other and work together as a team.

So, this disconnect means she's not giving you any emotional support. You're scrambling and acting as if you owe her a higher salary. And you guys are not working together on anything constructive.

Get to counseling because these conditions can only get worse over time. 

Agreed.

Even in the last couple of days, I'm seeing a lot more how insecure she is. We can't have a constructive conversation about our goals because she's

already made her mind up about 'how it should be' and can't refrain from taking little, silly jabs at me during conversations like "We need to be able to save up enough to be able to do "XYZ" but I know that's hard for you because you don't even think we need a washer and dryer but whatever...".

 I'm not perfect, I make mistakes --  but it seems immature to say things like that. I never said we didn't need it, just that we needed to possibly budget.

 

Anyway, we'll figure it out.

Edited January 28, 2021 by panteraplan

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, as part of figuring it out, consider the possibility that you simply married someone who is fatally immature and self-centered. Yes, I know she has some good qualities, but look, the time to be ruthlessly honest about her is right now BEFORE you have kids.

She's taking passive-aggressive cheap shots at you. Dude, the whole point of a relationship is to be with someone who builds us up! You're with someone whose default is to tear you down. That is her default apparently. I know it hurts to think about. But what's the point of being married to someone like this? Life is hard. Life outside your marriage will be hard. This woman doesn't even take your words seriously. You could randomly walk down the street and pick someone more open minded and interested in your wellbeing than your wife. I know, that's harsh. But tell: am I wrong?

The time to cut through all the denial and nonsense is now before kids. You are basically in a relationship that tears you down. If you're cool with that, keep going. Otherwise, don't. And no, people do NOT change. Let your wife go torture and tear down another guy.

Dude, this is not a little bad. This is bad. This is terrible. You married a clueless person. Which means you had some cluelessness as well. But you can stop. 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

She needs to either adjust her expectations and learn to be more understanding, or leave. I'd insist upon marriage counseling until the relationship improves or you decide mutually to part ways. You've played your part in creating this situation by committing to being the sole breadwinner so she can be at home with the kids. If you're not able to do that, you need to talk about it with a counselor (pastors/church counselors are usually free) and both make adjustments to change it.

[panteraplan]

On 1/28/2021 at 4:49 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

OP, as part of figuring it out, consider the possibility that you simply married someone who is fatally immature and self-centered. Yes, I know she has some good qualities, but look, the time to be ruthlessly honest about her is right now BEFORE you have kids.

She's taking passive-aggressive cheap shots at you. Dude, the whole point of a relationship is to be with someone who builds us up! You're with someone whose default is to tear you down. That is her default apparently. I know it hurts to think about. But what's the point of being married to someone like this? Life is hard. Life outside your marriage will be hard. This woman doesn't even take your words seriously. You could randomly walk down the street and pick someone more open minded and interested in your wellbeing than your wife. I know, that's harsh. But tell: am I wrong?

The time to cut through all the denial and nonsense is now before kids. You are basically in a relationship that tears you down. If you're cool with that, keep going. Otherwise, don't. And no, people do NOT change. Let your wife go torture and tear down another guy.

Dude, this is not a little bad. This is bad. This is terrible. You married a clueless person. Which means you had some cluelessness as well. But you can stop. 

 

Wow. I appreciate the honesty, sincerely.

I'm not sure if I even feel like counseling at this point... things have not improved. In fact, we've had more squabbles lately than we ever have. I also can't say anything I find negative about her in these little arguments because her response is always "Well, at least I DO what I SAY I will do. I don't promise things and then don't do them".

 

 

[panteraplan]

On 2/4/2021 at 2:17 PM, Ruby Slippers said:

She needs to either adjust her expectations and learn to be more understanding, or leave. I'd insist upon marriage counseling until the relationship improves or you decide mutually to part ways. You've played your part in creating this situation by committing to being the sole breadwinner so she can be at home with the kids. If you're not able to do that, you need to talk about it with a counselor (pastors/church counselors are usually free) and both make adjustments to change it.

I certainly take blame for trying to do it all.