Thinking about separation

[Alice D]

Hi all! I really need to get this off my chest. So here we go..
I have been thinking about getting separated from my husband for quite a few years already. One of the main issues have been his anger outbursts and other issues related to his ADHD.. The anger stuff started by him yelling, making threats (such as good luck- I will destroy you and you will have nothing, I will kill you, I record what you say, etc), of course, name calling, and not being able to stop (even if I leave to another room, he just follows me. Yes I have tried to go outside too). Then he began to occasionally during fights shake me, grab me tightly, and even choke once or twice (at some point I got bruises from the grabs). I tried to tell his family and just got basically blamed for it “well you’re not so wonderful yourself.” When my family found out they tried to convince me to move out. I still stayed because, in reality, I don’t have anywhere to go and at the time I would have never been able to afford a place. Last year during one of the arguments I got thrown on the bed a few times, got bruised up as we have an external frame on the bed and drawers, and the final strike was him pushing me to the ground which resulted in me getting a huge goose egg above the eye and afterwards half of my face was bruised up for weeks. That day the neighbors called police and he was taken to jail. Before opening the door to the police he asked me to not ruin his life and thus I said my fall was an accident. They still took him to jail and charged him with domestic violence. I went to court with him and did everything I could to get him out of this. He kept saying to me he was very sorry and it was an accident. Even when he was getting his background check done at his potential new job, I talked to his (NOW) boss and advocated that it wasn’t what it seemed like. The guy has this great job literally because of me. Yet I cannot tell this to anyone, not my friends, not my family (with whom I no longer talk to as they are even more abusive than that by far), not his family. I REALLY want to tell his family so they know who he really is. He didn’t even ask me to talk with him about this, to process my feelings. He only focused on his grief and expected that I had to continue being supportive. 
These events have led me to grow angry towards him as I’m not able to forgive this. I still have no where to go if I leave and would have to rent out a small room. I make good money now but I’m also in debt, a lot of thanks to him as I had to pull both of us when he was in college and was barely making anything. Sometimes I wish I could hurt him back for what he did and how clean he got out of it. But to be frank I am just really tired and hope for karma. I have been going to a therapist about few years back and they have almost reported him to authorities because of the physical stuff. I’m planning to start going again in February. 
My husband is currently getting therapy, but he has been actually getting help for years. I think going to jail really deters him from wanting to hurt me again. However he got worse/meaner  with his remarks and comments which makes me go absolutely crazy! One time he mentioned I don’t do anything for him, so I just pushed his $150 lego gift from me to the floor. It’s really difficult to keep my cool as he will follow me room to room and keep arguing. 
He of course has other minor issues like forgetfulness, not being considerate, not being supportive unless the problem affects him, not being accurate/complete honest about money, causing problems with debit cards, problems/quirks that come with ADHD, and more. Another thing that has really bothered me was the  engagement proposal (after 3 years of marriage I started asking for a ring) right before we went on a road trip to CA with a very cheap (that’s fine) and not fitting correctly ring. The part that sucks is that he came up and measured it while we had an argument. I have a closet full of jewelry and he didn’t even notice that where he could’ve gotten my size... 

When I ask myself why I love him is probably because I have a better quality of life financially and have more security from outside problems. He’s generally an ok guy, doesn’t look around as far as I know which is also great. When he is supportive, he is great. He wants a house and to raise children. I used to really want children with him and now not really. It’s just really hard to forget the above and forgive. 
I know this is such a web of facts and of course I’m not a perfect human myself but I finally got to tell this info to someone. If you got this far, your time was much appreciated. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. This is abuse, not a neurological or psychiatric problem.

Sadly, that's what many abuse victims tell themselves to resolve living in the untenable cognative dissonance of living with a sadistic monster.

See an attorney privately and confidentiality. Also a therapist.

Stop talking to your husband except for boring household stuff and chitchat.

Instead talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse. Read up on abuse. Covertly develop an exit strategy. Start severing ties. Get credit card cards bank accounts and a po box solely in your name.

Change all the passwords on your accounts.

It's just going to get worse and cycle around. Don't waste your life being a punching bag.