Breaking up when you still love each other

[preciousgaucho]

Hi there,

   My boyfriend (22M) and I (20F) just broke up. We both are still in love but he has past traumas that he has to deal with because it makes him emotionally unavilable. As much as he wants to deal with himself while with me, he knows that is not fair to me, even though I pleaded otherwise. In an ideal world, he would better himself and then we would get back together because it really does feel like soul mates. But I can't live on that hope. How do I get over that even though we both still love each other and are best friends?

[stillafool]

Did he break up with you or you with him?

To get through this break up you have to go strict N.  ou are fooling yourself to think you can now just be friends.  What will happen when he becomes interested in a new girl and brings her around your group?  Are you okay with that?  If not, you can't be friends because that is what friends do, introduce their friends to their new significant others.

[littleblackheart]

I'm told I'm a perpetual idealist by the people who know me best, so take my advice with a grain of salt:

Soul mates + love each other + best friends = very rare combination, near impossible to let go, regardless of personal circumstances.

If you want, give yourself a reasonable timeline (whatever that is to you) by the end of which you make a final decision.

To me, it would be a no brainer because I know how precious these kinds of connections are and I don't like living in regret (I tend to live in hope) but I am not you, or him 🙂PS: great username 🙂

 

Edited January 21, 2021 by littleblackheart

[preciousgaucho]

He broke up with me, but it is for the best because I was settling. We really do love each other but he has so much going on that he genuinely could not fulfill being a boyfriend and being there for every other problem at the same time. ALthough I really do want to hope that in his healing process he'll come back, what do I do to like get over it and not just hope? We dated for two years and although I know our connection is special, its not fair to either of us if he doesn't deal with his stuff before committing to be there for someone else. Not sure what to do though. Obviously take space and we were long distance so we don't have mutual friends but it sucks losing your person. I wish he could do both heal himself and be with me but he's past that point and does need to take time to focus on him, or at least I hope he does. 

[littleblackheart]

Well, if he really is your person, you won't have lost him. 

Wish him well, keep in touch occasionally if that's an option, and do your thing. There isn't much else you can do.

Also, if your bond means as much to him as it does to you, I would keep hope.🙂.

Edited January 21, 2021 by littleblackheart

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, preciousgaucho said:

We both are still in love but he has past traumas that he has to deal with because it makes him emotionally unavilable. 

Sweetie, people that are emotionally unavailable cannot fall in love. He says that to ease the blow on you but he's not 'in love'. Let him go. Don't keep in touch. Move on and don't look back. Couples that really love each other cannot be kept apart no matter what.

[preciousgaucho]

He loved as much as he could I believe. I won't keep in touch but it brings me comfort knowing that when he is done healing from past traumas, he is able to both recieve my love and give it back in ways that he never was capable of doing before.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, preciousgaucho said:

My boyfriend (22M) and I (20F) just broke up. 

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? What does he feel he has to work on? Does he want the same level of commitment as you do?

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

He loved as much as he could I believe. I won't keep in touch but it brings me comfort knowing that when he is done healing from past traumas, he is able to both recieve my love and give it back in ways that he never was capable of doing before.

Unfortunately it does not work that way. When someone leaves a relationship to go take care of themselves there is no telling how they will feel about us after. There is no guarantee. He may realize what he felt for you was a deep friendship and not love as in 'in love'. Please don't wait for him.

[preciousgaucho]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? What does he feel he has to work on? Does he want the same level of commitment as you do?

We were dating for 2 years. He has significant emotional trauma from his childhood with a difficult family life, a demanding job, all which have made him significantly emotionally unavailable, as more stuff has happened while we were dating. He was very committed to me and I was to him, but he realized that he could not give me what I need while also dealing with many issues in his family, his work, and supporting ourself. The last thing he said was I love you. Its really difficult because he felt I was settling for someone that could not be there as much as they should have been. But I would do anything for him. I understand how him leaving takes away that guilt off his back about not being a great boyfriend.

[lana-banana]

If you tell yourself "but we LOVE each other!" then you're right; you will never get over him. What you need to tell yourself is "he chose to let me go". As others have pointed out, someone who truly loves you and values your relationship won't let you go. I know it hurts, and you'll spend months hurting, but you have to remind yourself that you deserve someone who will do anything to be with you. If he chose to let you go, that's his decision, but you can't live your life trying to hold on to something that's already slipped through your fingers. Cherish the time you had together, explain that it's too painful to keep in contact, and focus on what you want and who you are. If someday he truly decides he wants to be with you, he'll let you know it.

[stillafool]

He may love you but is no longer in love with you and that is why his emotions aren't available for you anymore.  Job stress, family issues are part of everyday life and people who are in love turn to each other for comfort during these times.  I would not get my hopes up about reconciliation until he actually comes to you and asks you back.  Until then you need to go NC so you can heal.

[preciousgaucho]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He may love you but is no longer in love with you and that is why his emotions aren't available for you anymore.  Job stress, family issues are part of everyday life and people who are in love turn to each other for comfort during these times.  I would not get my hopes up about reconciliation until he actually comes to you and asks you back.  Until then you need to go NC so you can heal.

Totally, but because he has never dealt with those issues, he has never been emotionally able to go to others for comfort and deals with everything himself. Yes, he chose to let me go, but it wasn't because of a lack of love. It was because he was unable to give me what I need when as he told me "he is incomplete as a person."

[preciousgaucho]

26 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

If you tell yourself "but we LOVE each other!" then you're right; you will never get over him. What you need to tell yourself is "he chose to let me go". As others have pointed out, someone who truly loves you and values your relationship won't let you go. I know it hurts, and you'll spend months hurting, but you have to remind yourself that you deserve someone who will do anything to be with you. If he chose to let you go, that's his decision, but you can't live your life trying to hold on to something that's already slipped through your fingers. Cherish the time you had together, explain that it's too painful to keep in contact, and focus on what you want and who you are. If someday he truly decides he wants to be with you, he'll let you know it.

Totally. And he said that too. He said that because he was incomplete as a person and without the emotional capabailities because of significant trauma, he is not capable at the moment of doing anything to me, because he has an insane amount of stuff to deal with. He wants to be that person, but cant. 

[lana-banana]

7 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Totally. And he said that too. He said that because he was incomplete as a person and without the emotional capabailities because of significant trauma, he is not capable at the moment of doing anything to me, because he has an insane amount of stuff to deal with. He wants to be that person, but cant. 

I know this sounds impossible, but you can't go by what he told you because it always hurt and won't ever make sense. You just have to accept that he doesn't want you in his life going forward, and you deserve to be with someone who does. 

The things people say in breakups can be the most traumatizing part because you love them so much and it's all so shocking and intense. But ignore them---it's the actions that count. My Worst Ex broke up with me while sobbing and clinging to me and telling me how much he loved me, that he'd love me forever and never get over me. He started dating his now-wife less than a month later.

[preciousgaucho]

22 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

I know this sounds impossible, but you can't go by what he told you because it always hurt and won't ever make sense. You just have to accept that he doesn't want you in his life going forward, and you deserve to be with someone who does. 

The things people say in breakups can be the most traumatizing part because you love them so much and it's all so shocking and intense. But ignore them---it's the actions that count. My Worst Ex broke up with me while sobbing and clinging to me and telling me how much he loved me, that he'd love me forever and never get over me. He started dating his now-wife less than a month later.

I get that, But how do you even start to move on? We were not perfect but we planned the future out, had trips planned, were so interconnected. Our lives felt so intertwined. Even with his emotional issues, he is so kind, so handsome. Of course I deserved better. He knew that too. But you WANT it to work. I gave my heart trying. How do you start to accept that there are no more of that? We were long distance too and one day we were fine and the next time we saw each other in person we broke up. It is so tough. 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

Obviously take space and we were long distance so we don't have mutual friends but it sucks losing your person.

Have you met and spent time in person?  I am only asking because of your saying you have no mutual friends.

No judgment if you haven't, but knowing the answer to that would provide more context.

In any event, yes it does suck losing your person, I think we can all relate to that.  

I'm sorry you're hurting.  Hugs.

[preciousgaucho]

56 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Have you met and spent time in person?  I am only asking because of your saying you have no mutual friends.

 

Yes, we have been long distance for two years but have spent much time with family and friends. His sister is texting me rn saying this sucks and she wishes that he was in a state where he could heal himself and be with me because I am such a good girlfriend. I just don;t know what to do. I feel like I am in denial because if he truly loves me and did this to better himself, wouldn't the first thing he do when he is healed be to text me? To reach out. Talking about this makes me want to text him even though I shouldn;t. Because we are so perfect. I want him to want to rekindle things because of the love we have when he is fully healed. 

God I want to text him that. I know he should want to want that and maybe he will feel like he is ready again after he is healed. But what if he doesnt? Then did he really love me?

[maggiemtn]

You start to move on by going no contact. It’s the only way to move forward with your life. Everyone here has a story of a breakup that started in the same place: “Where do I go from here?” It feels impossible at first, like you’ll never get over it, like the world is crashing down. But you will slowly heal as you process it. How you feel about your relationship now is not how you’re going to feel about it in a month.

I was completely blind-sided by my ex leaving me last month. I know people say that a lot but I was truly shocked. We lived together, had the marriage/kids/house conversations, never once in our two years did we ever even come close to having a “Maybe this relationship isn’t right” talk. And then one day it was like something just changed. I gave it a week and then asked what was up, and I got dumped. The first stage is denial and being distraught. Then I got angry, then sad again, both, numb, etc. Your brain is going to run 100mph for a while. It’s okay, just process it with friends, family, alone, and counseling if you need it. I haven’t seen my ex in a month and a half, and I can promise you, it does get better. 

[preciousgaucho]

I get that. and im sory that happened to you too. But my ex said he loved me. that he wanted to be with me but couldnt because he felt incomplete as a person and couldnt give me what i deserved based on the fact that he had past issues he needed to address. In my head I think that if thats true, once hes healed, hell come back to me. Is that a bad thing to think? Obviously I won't wait but based on what he said, that should be true. He is just so perfect other than the emotuonal unavilability stuff. and he knows i am great too. He said that he never knows what could happen in the future. But based on that, wouldnt once hes healed to be back with the woman he loves?

[maggiemtn]

It’s not a bad thing to think, it’s normal to think that right now. But to be honest with you, a lot of people say a lot of things. Your relationship probably isn’t different from the others on here, even though it feels like it is because it’s yours specifically. Usually, once someone leaves, they are gone. My ex said he loved me too and also breaking up was for “right now,” who knows about the future etc. Your ex may work through his issues and decide he wants to be alone. He may never work through them, who knows. I would just advise you to try to accept that and not try to draw your relationship in a line from point A to B. People’s feelings don’t work that way. The best thing you can do is work through your feelings right now and try to get to the acceptance stage that it is over. When people get back together and make it work, it is usually years in the future, and it is also exceedingly rare. 

Edited January 22, 2021 by maggiemtn

[Watercolors]

16 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

I get that. and im sory that happened to you too. But my ex said he loved me. that he wanted to be with me but couldnt because he felt incomplete as a person and couldnt give me what i deserved based on the fact that he had past issues he needed to address. In my head I think that if thats true, once hes healed, hell come back to me. Is that a bad thing to think? Obviously I won't wait but based on what he said, that should be true. He is just so perfect other than the emotuonal unavilability stuff. and he knows i am great too. He said that he never knows what could happen in the future. But based on that, wouldnt once hes healed to be back with the woman he loves?

So you and he dated long distance for 2 years? How often did you actually date in person during that time, before the breakup? 

Was there a reason you chose to date long distance (a guy in another country) vs. date guys who live in your city instead? 

Breakups are always emotionally difficult, no matter what age you are. You are a young 20 year old. You should be enjoying your life right now, not hung up on some guy who doesn’t even live in your same country. I think you should spend your time distracting yourself with your work, your studies, and your friends doing fun things together. 

I don’t believe your ex’s excuses for not being that committed to you overall. Look at this from a factual point of view. You’re both very young and you live in different countries. He gave you lots of excuses as to why he was emotionally distant. But none of those excuses would really keep him emotionally distant from you, if he really was someone who loved you. He’d handle his s***. He’d prioritize you among his other commitments, that includes his mental health. What I’m saying is, I think he probably met someone else, and didn’t know how to tell you the truth without breaking your heart. 

Men who become emotional unavailable, do so, when they have decided that they don’t want to be with the woman anymore. That is the only reason this happens. Do not let him string you along with his bulls*** reason of “I don’t know what the future holds.” Bulls***. He’s 22. He either met another girl he’s dating locally (or long distance), or he just wants to be single again and date around. 

If he really loved you, and he really wanted to be with you he would have made plans to move to your country (I assume different countries, but just in case) or city to be with you. After 2 years, that’s what is done. I’m sorry but he just lost interest in you and that’s why this relationship ended. Spend time with your friends to distract yourself to help you get over this guy. Then, decide to date guys who live in your city (and your country) at least. Keep it local. Much easier. 

Edited January 22, 2021 by Watercolors

[Watercolors]

18 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

I get that. and im sory that happened to you too. But my ex said he loved me. that he wanted to be with me but couldnt because he felt incomplete as a person and couldnt give me what i deserved based on the fact that he had past issues he needed to address. In my head I think that if thats true, once hes healed, hell come back to me. Is that a bad thing to think? Obviously I won't wait but based on what he said, that should be true. He is just so perfect other than the emotuonal unavilability stuff. and he knows i am great too. He said that he never knows what could happen in the future. But based on that, wouldnt once hes healed to be back with the woman he loves?

Since you and he are long distance, you have no way of knowing (other than his sister ratting on him, and texting you the details), of his social activities with other girls in his country/city. 

I already wrote a long response but I just want to reiterate that you are 20 years old. You have your entire life ahead of you, with more opportunities to date guys who live closer to you, who will be more compatible with you. This guy. He wasn’t the one. 

As maggie aptly pointed out, people’s emotions do not operate in a linear fashion from point A to point B. He will not get back together with you just because he claims to have loved you. If you two aren’t compatible (and there are so many ways, that makes two people incompatible), then nothing either of you attempt, will succeed to bring you back together. 

Do not, I repeat, do NOT text him incessantly, or use your other social media platforms to stalk him or chat with him. He may or may not breadcrumb you too with intermittent text messages or messages online. If he does that, it’s only to boost his ego for attention and not actually because he genuinely wants to restart anything long-term with you. This is a very common post-break-up pattern that happens. Do not take the bait. Do not respond to his online communication if he reaches out. If you do that, you won’t be able to move on with your life, b/c he’ll have you stuck in a rut, pining for him, while he’s moved on with other girls. 

[preciousgaucho]

11 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

So you and he dated long distance for 2 years? How often did you actually date in person during that time, before the breakup? 

Was there a reason you chose to date long distance (a guy in another country) vs. date guys who live in your city instead? 

Breakups are always emotionally difficult, no matter what age you are. You are a young 20 year old. You should be enjoying your life right now, not hung up on some guy who doesn’t even live in your same country. I think you should spend your time distracting yourself with your work, your studies, and your friends doing fun things together. 

I don’t believe your ex’s excuses for not being that committed to you overall. Look at this from a factual point of view. You’re both very young and you live in different countries. He gave you lots of excuses as to why he was emotionally distant. But none of those excuses would really keep him emotionally distant from you, if he really was someone who loved you. He’d handle his s***. He’d prioritize you among his other commitments, that includes his mental health. What I’m saying is, I think he probably met someone else, and didn’t know how to tell you the truth without breaking your heart. 

Men who become emotional unavailable, do so, when they have decided that they don’t want to be with the woman anymore. That is the only reason this happens. Do not let him string you along with his bulls*** reason of “I don’t know what the future holds.” Bulls***. He’s 22. He either met another girl he’s dating locally (or long distance), or he just wants to be single again and date around. 

If he really loved you, and he really wanted to be with you he would have made plans to move to your country (I assume different countries, but just in case) or city to be with you. After 2 years, that’s what is done. I’m sorry but he just lost interest in you and that’s why this relationship ended. Spend time with your friends to distract yourself to help you get over this guy. Then, decide to date guys who live in your city (and your country) at least. Keep it local. Much easier. 

He does live in my country. He was a firefighter so we saw each other a few days a week. He worked the other days. When youve never seen a healthy relationship anywhere in your life and had to deal with so much negativity since he was young, he never knew how to handle his emotions. He def did not meet anyone else. 

[preciousgaucho]

4 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Since you and he are long distance, you have no way of knowing (other than his sister ratting on him, and texting you the details), of his social activities with other girls in his country/city. 

I already wrote a long response but I just want to reiterate that you are 20 years old. You have your entire life ahead of you, with more opportunities to date guys who live closer to you, who will be more compatible with you. This guy. He wasn’t the one. 

As maggie aptly pointed out, people’s emotions do not operate in a linear fashion from point A to point B. He will not get back together with you just because he claims to have loved you. If you two aren’t compatible (and there are so many ways, that makes two people incompatible), then nothing either of you attempt, will succeed to bring you back together. 

Do not, I repeat, do NOT text him incessantly, or use your other social media platforms to stalk him or chat with him. He may or may not breadcrumb you too with intermittent text messages or messages online. If he does that, it’s only to boost his ego for attention and not actually because he genuinely wants to restart anything long-term with you. This is a very common post-break-up pattern that happens. Do not take the bait. Do not respond to his online communication if he reaches out. If you do that, you won’t be able to move on with your life, b/c he’ll have you stuck in a rut, pining for him, while he’s moved on with other girls. 

Its hard because the only way we were incompatible was that he would shut off. We have the same interests, same values, same goals, same everything. Except he never knew how to deal with conflict and negative emotions. His mom is in rehab, his dad is having issues, family members have died since we have started dating, and he has worked nonstop during most of this. He knew he wasn't giving me all of him because he couldn't pour from an empty cup that never addressed the traumas in his life. Thats why its hard to move on and not believe that we wont find our way back to each other. But youre right in that he has to want that for that to happen, and his journey to self healing might not bring him back.