Breaking up when you still love each other

[preciousgaucho]

19 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I get it. I do. But you need to stop giving away your power. Instead of “he won’t want me” (that’s giving away your value, b/c you assign your value to an external source - him - instead of internally to yourself), reframe your thinking to “I don’t want him, as much as I cared about him, b/c he was selfish and I put my needs and wants second to his, and I deserve better.” 

Look, his familial strife does not take precedence over your life’s struggles and conflicts, yet that’s where the imbalance took place isn’t it? You set aside everything you were going through to be there for him. That is not an equally balanced relationship. Not by a long shot. You put yourself second for him...all the time. Imperfections? More like, character flaws and dysfunctional behavior. Imperfection is something like he has a hairline. His selfish behavior and prioritizing himself and his job promotion over his time with you, is not an imperfection; it’s a major character flaw and is selfish, which is a dysfunctional behavior.

You were not a priority in this 2-year relationship. If you had been a priority to him, he would have weathered his job promotion, the death of his step father, and his mother’s addiction, with more maturity by making sure to balance his life so that he could prioritize you in there. But he chose not to prioritize you. Let that sink in. Someone who loves you, prioritizes you through the worst of the worst. 

Totally. 

I was just reading something and I think instead of labelling him emotionally unavailable, he just has an avoidant attachment style because of his childhood. Fits every freaking thing its insane: "avoiding emotional closeness in relationships, feeling as though their partners are being clingy when they simply want to get emotionally closer, withdrawing and coping with difficult situations alone, suppressing emotions, withdrawing, or tuning out, from unpleasant conversations or sights, having a strong sense of independence, being overly focused on their own needs and comforts." "people with an avoidant attachment style tend not to show much anxiety or distress, often feeling an initial sense of relief at the relinquishing of obligations and the sense that they are regaining their self-identity, and not tending to initially miss their partner because they are back to a space where they are fully in control." 

"They will cut off contact with anyone perceived as a source of emotional turmoil - avoidants may tell themselves and believe they are saving the other pain"

I mean. WOW. Every freaking thing. That was the downfall. Because he saw every thing I ever asked him to do, ever thing I asked him for, as clingy instead of me just wanting to get closer, wow. 

Totally get what you mean. When I read this though I thought holy s*** this caused every f***ing problem. 

[ExpatInItaly]

People have become very quick to assign their exes attachment styles these days, it seems, so I would caution you from assuming it all boils down to that. There are a number of other relevant variables that could factor in here, from your very young ages to distance to a difference in personality and needs. I don't mean to minimize your feelings or your relationship but it's important to realize that the boy you start dating at 18 is very unlikely to have become your "one" for life, regardless of his tendency to shut down. It's part of growing up, evolving and exploring - and the reason why the majority of young couples go their separate ways as they enter adulthood. I've been there myself, and cycled through a few long-term relationships throughout my late teens and twenties before meeting my current partner when I was 34. This is my man for life, not the guy who I dated at 18. (who was lovely, but we were so not ready for a permanent relationship, despite thinking we had it all figured out!)

I am not suggesting that he does not fit in with the "avoidant attachment" list of typical characteristics. I am sure he does, in many ways. But don't neglect the other issues that could play an equal role here. 

And if he is genuinely avoidant? This is probably over forever. People like that rarely really change, in my experience. They simply bounce off to the next relationship and repeat the same behaviour all over again. When you are healed and ready to date and meet a new guy who is not like this one, you will see that this relationship was not that great. I promise this isn't what mutually satisfying, happy, long-term relationships look like and there is a better match out there for you. 

This guy isn't it. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

 My therapist was saying that me thinking like that is me trying to control the situation which brings me comfort. 

Great advice. Yes, limbo is very disconcerting. It would be best to delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

The sister is doing a lot of harm by playing intermediary. Reflect in peace without this noise from his family. The sister is not his spokeswoman.

If he wanted to be together, you would know, because he would tell you.

[preciousgaucho]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

People have become very quick to assign their exes attachment styles these days, it seems, so I would caution you from assuming it all boils down to that. There are a number of other relevant variables that could factor in here, from your very young ages to distance to a difference in personality and needs. I don't mean to minimize your feelings or your relationship but it's important to realize that the boy you start dating at 18 is very unlikely to have become your "one" for life, regardless of his tendency to shut down. It's part of growing up, evolving and exploring - and the reason why the majority of young couples go their separate ways as they enter adulthood. I've been there myself, and cycled through a few long-term relationships throughout my late teens and twenties before meeting my current partner when I was 34. This is my man for life, not the guy who I dated at 18. (who was lovely, but we were so not ready for a permanent relationship, despite thinking we had it all figured out!)

I am not suggesting that he does not fit in with the "avoidant attachment" list of typical characteristics. I am sure he does, in many ways. But don't neglect the other issues that could play an equal role here. 

And if he is genuinely avoidant? This is probably over forever. People like that rarely really change, in my experience. They simply bounce off to the next relationship and repeat the same behaviour all over again. When you are healed and ready to date and meet a new guy who is not like this one, you will see that this relationship was not that great. I promise this isn't what mutually satisfying, happy, long-term relationships look like and there is a better match out there for you. 

This guy isn't it. 

Totally! I think he does fit this attachment style, and like you said, didn't fix the things from his last relationship (he used to call his ex controlling, same as he called me when all we were doing was asking for normal relationship things). And youre right, that isn't something you change quickly. Thank you for your words and sharing your experience too:)

[preciousgaucho]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Great advice. Yes, limbo is very disconcerting. It would be best to delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

The sister is doing a lot of harm by playing intermediary. Reflect in peace without this noise from his family. The sister is not his spokeswoman.

If he wanted to be together, you would know, because he would tell you.

Totally. I'm not responding to her. Just giving it space and time, because that's all I should do now no matter what ends up happening in the future. 

[ExpatInItaly]

35 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Totally! I think he does fit this attachment style, and like you said, didn't fix the things from his last relationship (he used to call his ex controlling, same as he called me when all we were doing was asking for normal relationship things). 

It sounds like you're starting to see that maybe this guy isn't as amazing as you thought. 

It hurts to feel rejected and break-ups are disorienting, but I very much believe that you will be happier with someone else. 

[preciousgaucho]

37 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds like you're starting to see that maybe this guy isn't as amazing as you thought. 

It hurts to feel rejected and break-ups are disorienting, but I very much believe that you will be happier with someone else. 

Its hard. I care about him so much and believe he really is amazing. Considering all that he has been through in his life, there's a reason why he reacts to things as being needy or controlling. Its all attachment theory. So, in all honesty, although he not perfect by far and it does not excuse some things he said, there's a reason for it all. And it makes me feel bad for him, to be honest. The whole thing about avoidnat attachment is that they have always had to do it themselves as a kid so that sense of independence is still what brings them comfort and control. Its not that they dont want love or to open up, but it scares them and causes them to react to others asking for things as being needy or controlling. 

Like reading it about it online Im truly like wow. It doesnt mean hes perfect, no. Cause this isn't somethng you fix really. Yeah, maybe I do need someone who is capable of being vulnerable and interpreting my needs as not "needy," but reading about him does bring me relief in that everything really is him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Its hard. I care about him so much and believe he really is amazing. Considering all that he has been through in his life, there's a reason why he reacts to things as being needy or controlling. Its all attachment theory. So, in all honesty, although he not perfect by far and it does not excuse some things he said, there's a reason for it all. And it makes me feel bad for him, to be honest. The whole thing about avoidnat attachment is that they have always had to do it themselves as a kid so that sense of independence is still what brings them comfort and control. Its not that they dont want love or to open up, but it scares them and causes them to react to others asking for things as being needy or controlling. 

I am very familiar with attachment theory. Avoidant in particular. 

Which is precisely why I encouraged you to not assume all his behaviour is all about that, but to keep walking anyway. Unless you are a qualified and experienced therapist, you cannot really assign these labels to anyone. They are much more complex than that. 

It's become way too commonplace these days (especially on these forums) for dumpees to call their exes avoidant, and it's usually so that they can avoid confronting a painful truth that perhaps the person was never as invested as they thought, and genuinely had lost interest by the time it ended. And yes, it usually brings dumpees relief to believe that's what the break-up boils down to. It's true that some people do exhibit these behaviours, but it's rarely as cut-and-dry as just being "avoidant."

Be careful not to fall too far down the Attachment Theory rabbit hole. Because at the end of the day, it's just that: a theory. It's not fact. 

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

Totally! I think he does fit this attachment style, and like you said, didn't fix the things from his last relationship (he used to call his ex controlling, same as he called me when all we were doing was asking for normal relationship things). And youre right, that isn't something you change quickly. Thank you for your words and sharing your experience too:)

Even if he displays some of the traits of that attachment style that's not necessarily the whole picture here. That attachment style is characterized by the inability to form long-term attachments with others, and a fear of intimacy and of rejection (so the avoidant pushes people away and doesn't emotionally connect with others out of fear of abandonment, so they abandon others first, before they can be abandoned).

Men who are avoidant, will only date women they can have sex with then discard afterwards (whether its weeks, months or a couple of years). Avoidant men don't respect women and use words to pretend to be what the woman wants (i.e. they mirror the woman's ideal man), yet their actions show who they really are. 

Dating someone with avoidant personality disorder or attachment style means that you have to participate in distancing strategies that resemble the push-pull-run-and-chase. It's a futile endeavor because you just wind up running in circles, never getting anywhere and this can go on for years. 

Look at his relationship history and you see a very clear pattern. Your ex-b/f does not like women to be independent. Independent women, to your ex-boyfriend, are considered controlling and clingy. He does not like displays of emotion either and rejects the emotion empathy, b/c he views empathy as a weakness. He also does not like you to expect him to meet your emotional needs, which is normally what both partners in a health relationship automatically will do for each other. But, not someone with avoidant personality. They do not want to be emotionally available to their partner b/c that means they risk not having their emotional needs met the way that they need them met.

So, as a result, they completely shut out their partner emotionally and never express empathy or sympathy since they view both of those emotional states as weakness. So, as a partner, you are constantly in a state of uncertainty about his true feelings towards you, and you wind up feeling dissatisfaction about the quality and direction of the relationship, since you have no information from the avoidant partner about why he thinks of you or the relationship. Both his ex-g/f and now you, another ex-g/f have experienced the exact same pattern from him. 

1 hour ago, preciousgaucho said:

Its hard. I care about him so much and believe he really is amazing. Considering all that he has been through in his life, there's a reason why he reacts to things as being needy or controlling. Its all attachment theory. So, in all honesty, although he not perfect by far and it does not excuse some things he said, there's a reason for it all. And it makes me feel bad for him, to be honest. The whole thing about avoidnat attachment is that they have always had to do it themselves as a kid so that sense of independence is still what brings them comfort and control. Its not that they dont want love or to open up, but it scares them and causes them to react to others asking for things as being needy or controlling. 

Like reading it about it online Im truly like wow. It doesnt mean hes perfect, no. Cause this isn't somethng you fix really. Yeah, maybe I do need someone who is capable of being vulnerable and interpreting my needs as not "needy," but reading about him does bring me relief in that everything really is him. 

Since we're talking attachment styles here, I think you'd easily fit the anxious attachment style. Those attachment styles always seek out the avoidant attachment styles, b/c of the triggers given by the avoidant personality they are in love with. If you apply the anxious attachment triggers to yourself, how well do they fit? The triggers for anxious attachment style are: 

1. Avoidant partner is not responsive to texts or emails or calls. Not knowing why their partner is giving them the silent treatment gives the anxious person anxiety. 
2. Perceived loss of the relationship. When a partner talks about their doubts or fears of the relationship, the anxious person immediately catastrophizes which then triggers self-sabotaging behavior in the anxious person. 
3. When the avoidant personality is more independent (socially or work related) from the anxious person. This will trigger the anxious person's fear of abandonment. 
4. When the avoidant's behavior is unpredictable, the anxious person become extremely codependent and assumes the responsibility for the avoidant person's withdraw. 
5. Avoidant personalities never give validation to their partners, so the anxious attached person displays codependent behavior, b/c anxious personalities need constant validation externally, since they never learned how to internally validate themselves. For anxious people, validation comes from other people's opinions of the anxious person, which is not real validation but rather just an opinion. But, the anxious person takes the opinion of themselves as fact. 

Something to think about, preciousgaucho. I see you display a lot of anxious triggers already about your ex-b/f. You are not ready to let go of the idea of him, that he planted in your mind for the past two years. You are making excuses for him, as though the way he's treated you is justifiable, but it's not justifiable. It's not ok for the way he dismissed your feelings, gaslighted you, and undermined your valid feelings and opinions throughout your 2-year relationship.

You can't see that of course, because you are over-attached to him. The more distance you put between your ex and his family the more clear it will become to you, that he really wasn't that great of a guy that you make him out to be now. 

Edited January 24, 2021 by Watercolors

[poppyfields]

14 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

I was just reading something and I think instead of labelling him emotionally unavailable, he just has an avoidant attachment style because of his childhood. Fits every freaking thing its insane: "avoiding emotional closeness in relationships, feeling as though their partners are being clingy when they simply want to get emotionally closer, withdrawing and coping with difficult situations alone, suppressing emotions, withdrawing, or tuning out, from unpleasant conversations or sights, having a strong sense of independence, being overly focused on their own needs and comforts." "people with an avoidant attachment style tend not to show much anxiety or distress, often feeling an initial sense of relief at the relinquishing of obligations and the sense that they are regaining their self-identity, and not tending to initially miss their partner because they are back to a space where they are fully in control." 

"They will cut off contact with anyone perceived as a source of emotional turmoil - avoidants may tell themselves and believe they are saving the other pain"

Wow^.  I mentioned he sounded like an avoidant in a previous thread and was called judgmental, which I acknowledge I was, but I'm glad you see it now.

 

 

 

Edited January 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[preciousgaucho]

20 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Even if he displays some of the traits of that attachment style that's not necessarily the whole picture here. That attachment style is characterized by the inability to form long-term attachments with others, and a fear of intimacy and of rejection (so the avoidant pushes people away and doesn't emotionally connect with others out of fear of abandonment, so they abandon others first, before they can be abandoned).

Men who are avoidant, will only date women they can have sex with then discard afterwards (whether its weeks, months or a couple of years). Avoidant men don't respect women and use words to pretend to be what the woman wants (i.e. they mirror the woman's ideal man), yet their actions show who they really are. 

Dating someone with avoidant personality disorder or attachment style means that you have to participate in distancing strategies that resemble the push-pull-run-and-chase. It's a futile endeavor because you just wind up running in circles, never getting anywhere and this can go on for years. 

Look at his relationship history and you see a very clear pattern. Your ex-b/f does not like women to be independent. Independent women, to your ex-boyfriend, are considered controlling and clingy. He does not like displays of emotion either and rejects the emotion empathy, b/c he views empathy as a weakness. He also does not like you to expect him to meet your emotional needs, which is normally what both partners in a health relationship automatically will do for each other. But, not someone with avoidant personality. They do not want to be emotionally available to their partner b/c that means they risk not having their emotional needs met the way that they need them met.

So, as a result, they completely shut out their partner emotionally and never express empathy or sympathy since they view both of those emotional states as weakness. So, as a partner, you are constantly in a state of uncertainty about his true feelings towards you, and you wind up feeling dissatisfaction about the quality and direction of the relationship, since you have no information from the avoidant partner about why he thinks of you or the relationship. Both his ex-g/f and now you, another ex-g/f have experienced the exact same pattern from him. 

Since we're talking attachment styles here, I think you'd easily fit the anxious attachment style. Those attachment styles always seek out the avoidant attachment styles, b/c of the triggers given by the avoidant personality they are in love with. If you apply the anxious attachment triggers to yourself, how well do they fit? The triggers for anxious attachment style are: 

1. Avoidant partner is not responsive to texts or emails or calls. Not knowing why their partner is giving them the silent treatment gives the anxious person anxiety. 
2. Perceived loss of the relationship. When a partner talks about their doubts or fears of the relationship, the anxious person immediately catastrophizes which then triggers self-sabotaging behavior in the anxious person. 
3. When the avoidant personality is more independent (socially or work related) from the anxious person. This will trigger the anxious person's fear of abandonment. 
4. When the avoidant's behavior is unpredictable, the anxious person become extremely codependent and assumes the responsibility for the avoidant person's withdraw. 
5. Avoidant personalities never give validation to their partners, so the anxious attached person displays codependent behavior, b/c anxious personalities need constant validation externally, since they never learned how to internally validate themselves. For anxious people, validation comes from other people's opinions of the anxious person, which is not real validation but rather just an opinion. But, the anxious person takes the opinion of themselves as fact. 

Something to think about, preciousgaucho. I see you display a lot of anxious triggers already about your ex-b/f. You are not ready to let go of the idea of him, that he planted in your mind for the past two years. You are making excuses for him, as though the way he's treated you is justifiable, but it's not justifiable. It's not ok for the way he dismissed your feelings, gaslighted you, and undermined your valid feelings and opinions throughout your 2-year relationship.

You can't see that of course, because you are over-attached to him. The more distance you put between your ex and his family the more clear it will become to you, that he really wasn't that great of a guy that you make him out to be now. 

Totally. I don't fit all of those traits I think, and based on how I grew up have none of the standard reasons for develping that attachment style. But you're right/ He did gaslight me and alll this stuff and as much as I do believe a lot of it can be attributed to how he grew up and what he continues to go through, it doesn't make it okay. Part of the reason I know that this break is good is because I am able to recognize that I was too attached and relied on him for too much of my emotional relief. So, whatever attachment style I am, I do recognize that and that's why I know this break was good because he was overly indepepdent (how he has always been based on his childhood) and I was overly dependnet to the point where I would have done anything for him despite the red flags. I definitely will continue to not contact him. 

[preciousgaucho]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Wow^.  I mentioned he sounded like an avoidant in a previous thread and was called judgmental, which I acknowledge I was, but I'm glad you see it now.

Can a person be partially avoidant?  Because I possess a few (definitely not all) of those qualities.😳

Its the other things that were judgemental, like telling me what kind of person would want someone like that. 

And I think its different to call someone avoid it and then to actually see the science theory behind it, because it really does make sense why he is the way he is based on his childhood. Like he fits all the traits. I think there's a difference between avoidant attachment and just being an avoidant person. Attachment theory is formed based on your childhood, being an avoidant person can be attributed to  a variety of things

 

[preciousgaucho]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am very familiar with attachment theory. Avoidant in particular. 

Which is precisely why I encouraged you to not assume all his behaviour is all about that, but to keep walking anyway. Unless you are a qualified and experienced therapist, you cannot really assign these labels to anyone. They are much more complex than that. 

It's become way too commonplace these days (especially on these forums) for dumpees to call their exes avoidant, and it's usually so that they can avoid confronting a painful truth that perhaps the person was never as invested as they thought, and genuinely had lost interest by the time it ended. And yes, it usually brings dumpees relief to believe that's what the break-up boils down to. It's true that some people do exhibit these behaviours, but it's rarely as cut-and-dry as just being "avoidant."

Be careful not to fall too far down the Attachment Theory rabbit hole. Because at the end of the day, it's just that: a theory. It's not fact. 

Totally! I get what you mean. I definitely did not mean to assign this to him, as I didn't say this one or two days after our breakup. I was calling him emotionally unavailable and was really thinking well what causes that. Although I definitely cannot confirm this, I really do think he fits this to a tea based on how he grew up and how he reacts to things now. 

It definitely is not as cut and dry as that though, yours right. Cause you know what, maybe he wasnt as invested, maybe he did lose interest despite what he said, or maybe this is genuinely how he was based on this attachment style. And the thing is, I don't know. And I can't spend time figuring it out. I definitely won't fall down that hole, I just found it interesting and a viable possability that could explain what he's feeling, why he is the way he is, and why he broke up: as for him, to deal with everything, he needed to reclaim his sense of full control. Doesnt mean its right tho.

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Its the other things that were judgemental, like telling me what kind of person would want someone like that. 

Did I say that?  I thought I said, what type of person does that?

Meaning him.  Referring to what type of person distances themselves from their own mother at a time she needs him the most?

Which I myself did with my own mom, so was actually judging myself. 

I was not judging you for wanting to be with him, not at all.  I can understand the appeal. 

Edited January 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[preciousgaucho]

He just texted me "I hope youre doing alright. I think its good we have some distance but still will always care about you <3"

I'm not gonna respond but isnt it contradictory that he says its good we have distance but then texted me after only 5 days.....really wierd cause i wasnt expecting him to text me for like two weeks at leats. 

[preciousgaucho]

31 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Did I say that?  I thought I said, what type of person does that?

Meaning him.  Referring to what type of person distances themselves from their own mother at a time she needs him the most?

Which I myself did with my own mom, so was actually judging myself. 

I was not judging you for wanting to be with him, not at all.  I can understand the appeal. 

Oh I see, thanks for clarifying

He just texted me ahhh so weird! Wasnt expecting a text for a while!

[Watercolors]

8 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

He just texted me "I hope youre doing alright. I think its good we have some distance but still will always care about you <3"

I'm not gonna respond but isnt it contradictory that he says its good we have distance but then texted me after only 5 days.....really wierd cause i wasnt expecting him to text me for like two weeks at leats. 

Eek! He's breadcrumbing you now for attention. He misses the constant supply of attention you gave his ego. Do not respond to his text. If you have to distract yourself with another activity do that. If you have to turn off your cellphone, to stop yourself from texting him, do that. 

Yes its very contradictory to what he said to you about how good it is to have distance. His "real" character is coming out of the woodwork now, as the saying goes. His texting you today is a way to emotionally manipulate you into engaging in nonstop texting with him, which gives him an out to having to meet you face to face to talk. Do not fall for that crap. He will text you a lot and then will suddenly stop. Remember I referenced that distance chasing game that avoidants play. Well, he's playing with you RIGHT NOW. He'll push, you'll pull. Then you chase, and he runs. All via text messaging. Don't respond to his text. You're better than that. 

[preciousgaucho]

58 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Eek! He's breadcrumbing you now for attention. He misses the constant supply of attention you gave his ego. Do not respond to his text. If you have to distract yourself with another activity do that. If you have to turn off your cellphone, to stop yourself from texting him, do that. 

Yes its very contradictory to what he said to you about how good it is to have distance. His "real" character is coming out of the woodwork now, as the saying goes. His texting you today is a way to emotionally manipulate you into engaging in nonstop texting with him, which gives him an out to having to meet you face to face to talk. Do not fall for that crap. He will text you a lot and then will suddenly stop. Remember I referenced that distance chasing game that avoidants play. Well, he's playing with you RIGHT NOW. He'll push, you'll pull. Then you chase, and he runs. All via text messaging. Don't respond to his text. You're better than that. 

Thank you, I needed that. Its just so early. Like if this were two weeks from now then I would have expected a text. But five days ??? So stupid. 

[maggiemtn]

The whole texting after a breakup thing to say these little meaningless phrases reminds me of a time when I was younger and I got broken up with. A few days later, he texted me “I miss you” and I thought, “Oh, if I play this right, we might be back together.” I analyzed when and whether to respond, what to say. This went on for a few weeks. Back and forth like a game. I thought I was getting somewhere. Finally he asked me to dinner, said maybe we could talk about things. He stood me up and left me looking like an idiot, all dolled up waiting for him on my front porch in the rain. Only then did I realize how little I was willing to accept from another person and how wrong that was. That was my rock bottom, and I never spoke to him again. Blocked on everything for like 7 years now. 
 

Please don’t open the communication door for breadcrumbs. It never ends well. 

[preciousgaucho]

19 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

The whole texting after a breakup thing to say these little meaningless phrases reminds me of a time when I was younger and I got broken up with. A few days later, he texted me “I miss you” and I thought, “Oh, if I play this right, we might be back together.” I analyzed when and whether to respond, what to say. This went on for a few weeks. Back and forth like a game. I thought I was getting somewhere. Finally he asked me to dinner, said maybe we could talk about things. He stood me up and left me looking like an idiot, all dolled up waiting for him on my front porch in the rain. Only then did I realize how little I was willing to accept from another person and how wrong that was. That was my rock bottom, and I never spoke to him again. Blocked on everything for like 7 years now. 
 

Please don’t open the communication door for breadcrumbs. It never ends well. 

Yeah. If it had been a couple weeks and we had had time to process emotions, miss each other, whatever, I think I would have looked at it differently. Honestly Im just frusterated he texted. 

[Watercolors]

7 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Yeah. If it had been a couple weeks and we had had time to process emotions, miss each other, whatever, I think I would have looked at it differently. Honestly Im just frusterated he texted. 

No, no. Even if he'd waited 2 weeks the text-and-bait breadcrumb game is the same. Maggie's story is exactly why you should not respond to his text messages preciousgaucho. Just don't. All he wants is attention. He doesn't want to see you in person or reconcile. He just misses your adoration and constant supply of attention on him. Like his mom is an addict in treatment for her drug or alcohol addiction. If she's in treatment, do you think they're going to breadcrumb her some drugs or alcohol because they know she misses it? No! So, why would you accept your ex-boyfriend's false platitudes sent to you via text "Oh, I miss us," etc. It's all bulls***. Ok? None of those platitudes are real. If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have broken up with you. He wouldn't have emotionally distanced himself from you, the exact same way he did with his previous ex. 

You need to learn to read between the lines, like Maggie's story illustrates. You are better off deleting and blocking your ex-b/f from all of your SM platforms. Don't talk to your brother about him. Don't reach out to your ex's sister or anyone who knows your ex. Just distance yourself so that you can get on with your life. 

[preciousgaucho]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

No, no. Even if he'd waited 2 weeks the text-and-bait breadcrumb game is the same. Maggie's story is exactly why you should not respond to his text messages preciousgaucho. Just don't. All he wants is attention. He doesn't want to see you in person or reconcile. He just misses your adoration and constant supply of attention on him. Like his mom is an addict in treatment for her drug or alcohol addiction. If she's in treatment, do you think they're going to breadcrumb her some drugs or alcohol because they know she misses it? No! So, why would you accept your ex-boyfriend's false platitudes sent to you via text "Oh, I miss us," etc. It's all bulls***. Ok? None of those platitudes are real. If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have broken up with you. He wouldn't have emotionally distanced himself from you, the exact same way he did with his previous ex. 

You need to learn to read between the lines, like Maggie's story illustrates. You are better off deleting and blocking your ex-b/f from all of your SM platforms. Don't talk to your brother about him. Don't reach out to your ex's sister or anyone who knows your ex. Just distance yourself so that you can get on with your life. 

Yeah, I already unfollowed him on all platforms and won't be texting his sister again. I agree with what you're saying. I think the more distance I have from the situation the more I might be able to see the situation like that. 

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

He just texted me "I hope youre doing alright. I think its good we have some distance but still will always care about you <3"

Who text that type of thing. 

This text is not for you, he text that to make himself feel less like a jerk. 

1. He knows you're not doing well and he hurt you

2  it's good we have some distance? That's him justifying the breakup to himself.

3. Still will always care about you? Again meant for himself to make himself feel less like a jerk. I don't know one woman that want to hear the words *l will always care* out of the man she romantically loves.  @preciousgauchowhen a man use the word *care* it's cause the love is gone. 

There is nothing to reply to that, that message would make me mad.

Edited January 25, 2021 by Gaeta

[preciousgaucho]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Who text that type of thing. 

This text is not for you, he text that to make himself feel less like a jerk. 

1. He knows you're not doing well and he hurt you

2  it's good we have some distance? That's him justifying the breakup to himself.

3. Still will always care about you? Again meant for himself to make himself feel less like a jerk. I don't know one woman that want to hear the words *l will always care* out of the man she romantically loves.  @preciousgauchowhen a man use the word *care* it's cause the love is gone. 

There is nothing to reply to that, that message would make me mad.

It did make me mad. It does. Especially to your third point. I wish he would just be straight up isntead of giving himself an ego boost.

[preciousgaucho]

Then he texted. "let me know if you need anything."

It really seems like he is just trying to make himself feel better like oh, I'm making sure shes good cause I bet shes doing horrible. 

Like what ex text 4 days after a breakup. 

Just sucks and makes me frusterated. I wish he would just be straight up. Like he thinks hes being nice and hes not. 

Youre right in that slowly but surely his image and pedistal is falling. Its still hard to accept that that person I imagiend for so long as the one and capable of so much and already a good man with the potential to do so much more isn't. Distance will help that feeling continue to grow in that wow, he isn't the person cause the person would be there. But wow.