Breaking up when you still love each other

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Who text that type of thing. 

This text is not for you, he text that to make himself feel less like a jerk. 

1. He knows you're not doing well and he hurt you

2  it's good we have some distance? That's him justifying the breakup to himself.

3. Still will always care about you? Again meant for himself to make himself feel less like a jerk. I don't know one woman that want to hear the words *l will always care* out of the man she romantically loves.  @preciousgauchowhen a man use the word *care* it's cause the love is gone. 

There is nothing to reply to that, that message would make me mad.

Excellent analysis, Gaeta! I agree with you 100%. 

Guys will text after a breakup to make themselves look good...to themselves. They could care less about their ex-g/f's feelings. 

I even had an ex text me 3 months out of the blue, "What's up Watercolors? Miss me?" I knew who it was by the tone of the text. I had deleted his name and phone number (but not blocked it -- it was a flip phone, I didn't know how to block cell #s at the time) 

Exes will text their ex for the following reasons: 

Boredom
Guilt
Anger
Sex
Loneliness (so they want you to pull them out of it)
Self-loathing (needs an ego boost)
Stalking (they want to see if you've moved on to a new guy)
 

44 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Then he texted. "let me know if you need anything."

It really seems like he is just trying to make himself feel better like oh, I'm making sure shes good cause I bet shes doing horrible. 

Like what ex text 4 days after a breakup. 

Just sucks and makes me frusterated. I wish he would just be straight up. Like he thinks hes being nice and hes not. 

Youre right in that slowly but surely his image and pedistal is falling. Its still hard to accept that that person I imagiend for so long as the one and capable of so much and already a good man with the potential to do so much more isn't. Distance will help that feeling continue to grow in that wow, he isn't the person cause the person would be there. But wow. 

He continued to text you out of fear that he no longer has control over your emotional well-being. Good. Let him swim in his own sweat. 

It should make you frustrated. He's a weasel for texting you so soon, knowing you are still hurt by the breakup and feeling emotionally fragile enough to believe anything he texts you as being real. If that pedalstal you had him on hasn't completely cracked yet, don't be too quick to assign any meaning to anything your ex texts you. 

[preciousgaucho]

27 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Excellent analysis, Gaeta! I agree with you 100%. 

Guys will text after a breakup to make themselves look good...to themselves. They could care less about their ex-g/f's feelings. 

I even had an ex text me 3 months out of the blue, "What's up Watercolors? Miss me?" I knew who it was by the tone of the text. I had deleted his name and phone number (but not blocked it -- it was a flip phone, I didn't know how to block cell #s at the time) 

Exes will text their ex for the following reasons: 

Boredom
Guilt
Anger
Sex
Loneliness (so they want you to pull them out of it)
Self-loathing (needs an ego boost)
Stalking (they want to see if you've moved on to a new guy)
 

He continued to text you out of fear that he no longer has control over your emotional well-being. Good. Let him swim in his own sweat. 

It should make you frustrated. He's a weasel for texting you so soon, knowing you are still hurt by the breakup and feeling emotionally fragile enough to believe anything he texts you as being real. If that pedalstal you had him on hasn't completely cracked yet, don't be too quick to assign any meaning to anything your ex texts you. 

I'm not. Its actually really immature to me, whether he thought it was a good idea or not. If he had waited a couple weeks, I think I would have thought better of it. But texting now truly means it was one of those, i'm thinking guilt or something. It definitely was not done for me though. It was done for him to make himself feel better about the situation. 

And it f***s with my head tbh. Like I just wasn't expecting a text and is just annoying. I did't respond to him but its just really annoying because it almost gave me a bit of hope, but I know that thats the last thing that it is. JUst trying to keep telling myself that and continue my healing process by getting more distance. So stupid though. Like he said oh lets have distance and then like texted me so early, only 4 days in. Nobody processes anything in 4 days, and knowing him I know that right now he's feeling relief. Maybe in a couple weeks missing me will set in. Thats when I was expecting a text. Now now though..

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

He just texted me "I hope youre doing alright. I think its good we have some distance but still will always care about you <3"

I'm not gonna respond but isnt it contradictory that he says its good we have distance but then texted me after only 5 days.....really wierd cause i wasnt expecting him to text me for like two weeks at leats. 

It was bad enough that he fed you those lines that gave you hope that you would reconnect when he had addressed his issues. Now he's "reaching out" to you too? Man, this guy is both selfish and cruel. He wants to have distance from you and zero emotional responsibility regarding you, but he likes the idea of you waiting on standby for him to remember you and toss a breadcrumb your way. I would be angry too.

Do take care of yourself, @preciousgaucho. And please don't allow his guy to take you round in circles. Because it sounds like he's getting ready to start playing a long and convoluted push-pull game.

Sometimes, when you break up with someone, they allow their true colors to fully shine through. You're probably going to realize that there's a lot about this guy that is not so great, especially if he persists in this game of his. Perhaps you're not there yet, but you may eventually have to block him and his sister.

[Watercolors]

5 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

It was bad enough that he fed you those lines that gave you hope that you would reconnect when he had addressed his issues. Now he's "reaching out" to you too? Man, this guy is both selfish and cruel. He wants to have distance from you and zero emotional responsibility regarding you, but he likes the idea of you waiting on standby for him to remember you and toss a breadcrumb your way. I would be angry too.

Do take care of yourself, @preciousgaucho. And please don't allow his guy to take you round in circles. Because it sounds like he's getting ready to start playing a long and convoluted push-pull game.

Sometimes, when you break up with someone, they allow their true colors to fully shine through. You're probably going to realize that there's a lot about this guy that is not so great, especially if he persists in this game of his. Perhaps you're not there yet, but you may eventually have to block him and his sister.

Another excellent analysis of his text messages to you @preciousgaucho. Well done, Acacia98! Spot on analysis, I'd say! Lived through it exactly, myself with a few exes. So, it's 100% true!

I called it earlier too, with the whole push-pull, chase-run distancing strategies that he's attempting to employ with you now, via his 2 weak AF text messages to you. They are for his benefit ONLY, not yours. It's like, his text messages to you are the equivalent of him holding up a mirror to himself. He's priming you for upcoming rounds of, "what did my ex mean by this text," message games. Do not play it. This is not Family Feud. This is My Ex is an Ass for Texting Me 4 Days after his broke up with me. 

 

Edited January 25, 2021 by Watercolors

[preciousgaucho]

 

19 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

It was bad enough that he fed you those lines that gave you hope that you would reconnect when he had addressed his issues. Now he's "reaching out" to you too? Man, this guy is both selfish and cruel. He wants to have distance from you and zero emotional responsibility regarding you, but he likes the idea of you waiting on standby for him to remember you and toss a breadcrumb your way. I would be angry too.

Do take care of yourself, @preciousgaucho. And please don't allow his guy to take you round in circles. Because it sounds like he's getting ready to start playing a long and convoluted push-pull game.

Sometimes, when you break up with someone, they allow their true colors to fully shine through. You're probably going to realize that there's a lot about this guy that is not so great, especially if he persists in this game of his. Perhaps you're not there yet, but you may eventually have to block him and his sister.

Totally. Ugh. Its so dumb!!! Because I really do/did think the world of him and believed everything he said. If he had given more distance for a while and then reached out, I think it could have come off as more sincere. Instead, it really does feel like just him trying to make himself feel good. Which is really frusterating. 

Thank you for your words. Although I don't think I'm at that point yet, I will get back to distancing myself from this and in time, will hopefully feel better about it all. 

I just want to get to a point honestly where Im not focusing on it so much. I feel like I spend my days distracting myself from thinking about this.

[preciousgaucho]

16 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Another excellent analysis of his text messages to you @preciousgaucho. Well done, Acacia98! Spot on analysis, I'd say! Lived through it exactly, myself with a few exes. So, it's 100% true!

I called it earlier too, with the whole push-pull, chase-run distancing strategies that he's attempting to employ with you now, via his 2 weak AF text messages to you. They are for his benefit ONLY, not yours. It's like, his text messages to you are the equivalent of him holding up a mirror to himself. He's priming you for upcoming rounds of, "what did my ex mean by this text," message games. Do not play it. This is not Family Feud. This is My Ex is an Ass for Texting Me 4 Days after his broke up with me. 

 

Right?? and thats totally what it was. Analyzing every damn word. I hate that. Because if someone wants you in their life, they are sure as hell striaght forward about it. And if theyre a good person and knows what they want, they make it clear that this isn't working or theyre not feeling it. They dont keep things unclear, because it really does only serve them. 

I really just want to get to a point where I'm not just wrapped in this. Like I am focusing on me, but I feel like I'm just distracting myself from thinking about all my emotions surrounding this. Because I do still care. And it sucks. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

I really just want to get to a point where I'm not just wrapped in this. Like I am focusing on me, but I feel like I'm just distracting myself from thinking about all my emotions surrounding this. Because I do still care. And it sucks. 

You will. It sounds like this is your first significant relationship, and thus first real break-up. That's tough, because we have no frame of reference when we've never really been through it before. But having a few important break-ups under my belt by now, I can tell you  that time and real space away from the person is key. 

The feelings slowly fade. After the initial sting of feeling rejected wears off, we often see that perhaps the relationship wasn't the best one for us anyway.  

[maggiemtn]

You will spend a while having to keep yourself distracted from it. That’s perfectly normal and healthy. I am six weeks out of my most recent relationship and my experience (just as every other breakup I’ve had before it) is at first you’re stunned. You think things like “We can work through [insert issue here]” without considering it takes two to *want* to work on those issues, and there isn’t that dynamic otherwise we wouldn’t be in this position. We’d be working it out! You’re so blind-sided at first by the fact it was only just a few days ago that this person was saying “I love you,” planning a future together, working as a team. There’s a giant hole where that person was just a while ago, it’s impossible to think of your life without them when you were just in a totally different dynamic. It’s like 100 to 0 in two seconds. Lovers, partners, teammates, to exes. It’s terribly hard. 
 

All of that to say, as the weeks pass, IF you go no contact and grieve the loss, you will start to heal. You’ll have good days and bad. Today wasn’t so great for me but it was nothing compared to Christmas Eve, exactly a month ago, when I was sobbing into a pillow, wondering how I’d go on not being with my ex, not being in our house, etc.

Slowly I realized I wasn’t thinking about him all day, I was finding some things to laugh about with friends. I was getting better. Now, six weeks later, I don’t cry anymore. And when I do think about him, it’s not as much sadness but a realistic analysis of even though I’m sad, I know I wasn’t 100% happy. I was compromising on things I shouldn’t have. Day by day, things went from “I just want him and our life back” to “I miss the good times, but yeah, we had some bad ones and they weren’t conducive to a healthy, lasting relationship.” 
 

You are in the same boat. Your relationship had problems and you will slowly start to move your thinking more toward “That’s why it didn’t work out” and not so much missing him anymore. BUT, that switch is 100% dependent on cutting off the communication. I know for a fact if my ex was still texting me, I’d still be wavering. I made the healthy choice to cut that cord because even though things weren’t horrible and he wasn’t a bad person, it’s just not possible for me to move on with my life while being in contact with him. One day, maybe I’ll unblock him and ask him how life is going. But that won’t be until I literally don’t care at all whether he’s in another relationship, married, or wants me back. I will have completely moved on. 
 

Just some thoughts I wanted to share that might help. 

[preciousgaucho]

29 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

You will spend a while having to keep yourself distracted from it. That’s perfectly normal and healthy. I am six weeks out of my most recent relationship and my experience (just as every other breakup I’ve had before it) is at first you’re stunned. You think things like “We can work through [insert issue here]” without considering it takes two to *want* to work on those issues, and there isn’t that dynamic otherwise we wouldn’t be in this position. We’d be working it out! You’re so blind-sided at first by the fact it was only just a few days ago that this person was saying “I love you,” planning a future together, working as a team. There’s a giant hole where that person was just a while ago, it’s impossible to think of your life without them when you were just in a totally different dynamic. It’s like 100 to 0 in two seconds. Lovers, partners, teammates, to exes. It’s terribly hard. 
 

All of that to say, as the weeks pass, IF you go no contact and grieve the loss, you will start to heal. You’ll have good days and bad. Today wasn’t so great for me but it was nothing compared to Christmas Eve, exactly a month ago, when I was sobbing into a pillow, wondering how I’d go on not being with my ex, not being in our house, etc.

Slowly I realized I wasn’t thinking about him all day, I was finding some things to laugh about with friends. I was getting better. Now, six weeks later, I don’t cry anymore. And when I do think about him, it’s not as much sadness but a realistic analysis of even though I’m sad, I know I wasn’t 100% happy. I was compromising on things I shouldn’t have. Day by day, things went from “I just want him and our life back” to “I miss the good times, but yeah, we had some bad ones and they weren’t conducive to a healthy, lasting relationship.” 
 

You are in the same boat. Your relationship had problems and you will slowly start to move your thinking more toward “That’s why it didn’t work out” and not so much missing him anymore. BUT, that switch is 100% dependent on cutting off the communication. I know for a fact if my ex was still texting me, I’d still be wavering. I made the healthy choice to cut that cord because even though things weren’t horrible and he wasn’t a bad person, it’s just not possible for me to move on with my life while being in contact with him. One day, maybe I’ll unblock him and ask him how life is going. But that won’t be until I literally don’t care at all whether he’s in another relationship, married, or wants me back. I will have completely moved on. 
 

Just some thoughts I wanted to share that might help. 

Exactly. I don't think I could block him yet, but Im def not responding to his text. 

What you said really resonated with me. Especially the whole we can work on this...we can do this...we can work on this and then come back together better than every...but BOTH people have to want that. I can imagine it perfect all I want but he has to want that too. And I cant control that. Nor do I want to. 

So yeah, I appreciate that because you really seemed to nail everything in the head. There is this big hole and its crazy to me that hes not just going to evetually fill it. That we went from being best friends to just like nothing. That a 2 year relaionship that was so important ends in such...weirdness and coldness. Its just crazy because even though it wasnt perfect it just was like real almost. Idk. 

But yeah. Im slowly seeing life without him and seeing the things I shouldnt have compromised on. And, youre right, in a perfect world, we'd fix those and make use of our great connection. But we both have to want it. And thats the pill I have to swallow. That I can think all these things, look back at our relationship and still want it, but he might not for whatever reason. Its crazy because I think who wouldnt want that because a lot of the problems were him or him projecting things onto me, so Im like yeah if he changes all is good. But that requires maturity, communication, and want. 

And I dont have control over that. So distance and time is my friend. 

Thank you so much. I really understand and appreciate what you said, you nailed it. Hopeflly in six weeks I'll be in a similar frame of mind as you. how long was yoru relationship for?

[preciousgaucho]

50 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You will. It sounds like this is your first significant relationship, and thus first real break-up. That's tough, because we have no frame of reference when we've never really been through it before. But having a few important break-ups under my belt by now, I can tell you  that time and real space away from the person is key. 

The feelings slowly fade. After the initial sting of feeling rejected wears off, we often see that perhaps the relationship wasn't the best one for us anyway.  

Yeah, first significant relationship is the key because it happened at a time when I wasn't expecting it and it was more than anything I could have imagined. 

I want someone who know they want me though. I want to be equally loved. I communicated those fears to him sometimes when he was pulling away. He reassured me but I could see it, its like he was creating a wall. Whether that was from me, or from the realtionship, or for himself, who knows, 

BUt you're right time and space is the best. Its hard to envision not being with him because like, it was us and I cant imagine anyone treating him better or being more compatible in values, etc. BUt maybe he isnt mature enough to see that, and from what I think, hes not at a point where he can accept that love and reciprocate it in ways that make him vulnerable, as that scares him. 

Time and space...telling myself. Crazy this all is. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

BUt you're right time and space is the best. Its hard to envision not being with him because like, it was us and I cant imagine anyone treating him better or being more compatible in values, etc.

Don't make it about what he will or won't find in someone else. 

Instead, flip the script: you deserve someone who will treat you better, and make it so difficult to get close to. You can find a guy who is much more compatible and not make you feel wrong or "controlling" for wanting the emotional closeness that typically comes with a relationship. He wasn't that compatible for you if there was a such a disconnect on such an important level. 

You don't have much to compare him to right now, but I guarantee you can find a better guy for you. This doesn't sound like it was the best relationship for you; it sounds quite lopsided, actually.  It doesn't matter why, either: childhood trauma, emotional unavailability, lack of interest from him, whatever. When you're feeling better, you will probably see that this wasn't making you as happy as you wanted and wasn't as loving as you hoped. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

I'm not gonna respond 

Good call. Don't respond to nonsense texts that seem to seek out being ok so he feels better about himself. Just weird.😕

[preciousgaucho]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Don't make it about what he will or won't find in someone else. 

Instead, flip the script: you deserve someone who will treat you better, and make it so difficult to get close to. You can find a guy who is much more compatible and not make you feel wrong or "controlling" for wanting the emotional closeness that typically comes with a relationship. He wasn't that compatible for you if there was a such a disconnect on such an important level. 

You don't have much to compare him to right now, but I guarantee you can find a better guy for you. This doesn't sound like it was the best relationship for you; it sounds quite lopsided, actually.  It doesn't matter why, either: childhood trauma, emotional unavailability, lack of interest from him, whatever. When you're feeling better, you will probably see that this wasn't making you as happy as you wanted and wasn't as loving as you hoped. 

Yeah, I guess it doesn't matter the reason. You're right, I wasn't happy as I could be, as I used to be with him. I was pouring energy into the relationship and it did not feel he was doing the same. I recognized it with him too. But, he made me happy as a person, so I believed in the fact that it could change. 

But it wasn't going to while we were together. For whatever reason. It doesn't really matter tbh, like you said because either way, we are not together now. I think distance and space from it will continue to make it easier for me to imagine my life without him. Because even though it wasn't perfect, we knew each other like the back of our hands, and it just felt like we would always be in each other's lives. 

At that same time, I was too emotionally dependent. He was my source of a lot of joy/security/etc and I think it became unhealthy on both sides. So that's why I know this break is good because it got to a point where I would have decided my future based on him and he would have continued not dealing with all the things that cause him to pull away during vulnerable times. 

So yeah, that's why I think I'm doing okay. Because I already do recognize we weren't as happy. The hardest part is that it wasn't like us really. It wasn't him as  a person, it wasn't me as a person. It was things within us that were causing conflict within the relationship. 

And that point is why this makes it harder. Because I just want it to work to bring us back together. Like we are both going to do all this work and yeah. I know I know, I'm telling myself that's not how it works, he probably just lost interest, he's prob not even that great. In my head I'm telling myself that. But my heart is so connected to him, obviously because we were together for two years. 

Like I almost want him to be like I didn't feel anything for you anymore. I get he might have just not to be nice and make himself feel better. But, we were great for our time, we were apart for 10 days (semi long distance relationship) and then he broke up, saying he realized how much s*** was going on and he didnt feel he could give me what i deserved. Because in my head like you don't just not love someone in 10 days

 Its just hard. Now I'm just rambling. Sorry

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Like I almost want him to be like I didn't feel anything for you anymore. I get he might have just not to be nice and make himself feel better. But, we were great for our time, we were apart for 10 days (semi long distance relationship) and then he broke up, saying he realized how much s*** was going on and he didnt feel he could give me what i deserved. Because in my head like you don't just not love someone in 10 days

Exactly, you don't just suddenly stop loving your partner of 2 years in 10 days. 

And that's your cue this had probably been coming for a while, even if he never let on.  

[preciousgaucho]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Exactly, you don't just suddenly stop loving your partner of 2 years in 10 days. 

And that's your cue this had probably been coming for a while, even if he never let on.  

Yeah. I wish he could just say it then. Because it does make no sense. That doesn't happen just like that. 

And because he hasn't, I go on all these things like oh "maybe it is really because he realized how much stuff he has to work on and couldn't take care of me," or "oh maybe it is really what he said that it is for the best."

But like, if you love someone, you don't want to not be with them.Like if he said like oh I need to work on me and made it clear he wants to be with me , that shows love. But instead hes making it confusing for me and its harder for me to get over when I have so many mixed messages from both him and me trying to intrepet him . 

Because it all makes no sense!

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Yeah. I wish he could just say it then.

Completely understandable. 

Something to realize about these situations, though, is that dumpers rarely come right out and say they don't love you that way anymore. And that isn't usually because they're intentionally trying be misleading, but rather because they know it will break their dumpee's heart and most people have a hard time delivering bad news. That's why it's important to look at their actions, which is the choice to end the relationship rather than trying to work on issues and continue dating. 

[preciousgaucho]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Completely understandable. 

Something to realize about these situations, though, is that dumpers rarely come right out and say they don't love you that way anymore. And that isn't usually because they're intentionally trying be misleading, but rather because they know it will break their dumpee's heart and most people have a hard time delivering bad news. That's why it's important to look at their actions, which is the choice to end the relationship rather than trying to work on issues and continue dating. 

Yeah. Its hard because I truly think our issues couldn't have been worked out while still together. I became so emotionally dependent and its almost impossible to become less dependent while with someone. On the other hand, he had to deal with his avoidant tendecies based on childhood and work trauma that is still present today and couldn't try and deal with that while still trying to be a loving, emotionally giving boyfriend. Like essentially I was 120% committed, where one should only be 100%, and he was 80%, because he couldn't give me all of himself when he felt like incomplete as a person. So, its like I am happy we aren't together right now even though I miss him because we both need growth. That's why its so hard because like he made a decision that is for the best that I wouldn't have had the balls to do, but that's why its hard because I want the certainty that we'll rekindle when we have grown and then will be able to give more to each other while still maintaining our individual identity, but I just don't have that certainity rn, and I don't think he knows either

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

 but I just don't have that certainity rn, and I don't think he knows either

I am going to say this to you with all the kindess possible in the world....he knows he's not coming back to you. All of us read it through your story. 

[poppyfields]

>>"we were apart for 10 days (semi long distance relationship) and then he broke up"

So this is pretty telling imo.  Do you think it's possible he met another woman while you were apart for 10 days?  A woman he became infatuated with and perhaps even dating now, even if it's long distance?  That's pretty much standard for avoidants/commitmentphobes from what I understand about that particular attachment style.  When they want out, for whatever reason, they typically like to pull another women in, either from his past or a new woman.  Makes it easier for him to distance himself from you and disconnect.

But instead of being truthful about that, to cushion the blow, he blames breaking up with you on his "emotional unavailability" when the truth is he has always been emotionally unavailable, throughout the two years you were together.

I could be wrong, but after reading he ended your relationship after returning from from a 10 day trip, and what I understand about avoidants and commitmentphobes, it makes sense.

Anyway, just delete this guy, seriously.   He's an emotional mess, plain and simple.   And I KNOW that once you stop glorifying him and your relationship, and take him down from the pedestal you've got him on, you will come to realize that as well.

Feel better and all the best moving FORWARD! 😂

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[preciousgaucho]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

>>"we were apart for 10 days (semi long distance relationship) and then he broke up"

So this is pretty telling imo.  Do you think it's possible he met another woman while you were apart for 10 days?  A woman he became infatuated with and perhaps even dating now, even if it's long distance?  That's pretty much standard for avoidants/commitmentphobes from what I understand about that particular attachment style.  When they want out, for whatever reason, they typically like to pull another women in, either from his past or a new woman.  Makes it easier for him to distance himself from you and disconnect.

But instead of being truthful about that, to cushion the blow, he blames breaking up with you on his "emotional unavailability" when the truth is he has always been emotionally unavailable, throughout the two years you were together.

I could be wrong, but after reading he ended your relationship after returning from from a 10 day trip, and what I understand about avoidants and commitmentphobes, it makes sense.

Anyway, just delete this guy, seriously.   He's an emotional mess, plain and simple.   And I KNOW that once you stop glorifying him and your relationship, and take him down from the pedestal you've got him on, you will come to realize that as well.

Feel better and all the best moving FORWARD! 😂

 

 

 

 

 

I agree with you last point for sure in that time and distance will allow me to see that more. I don't think it was a woman though, and if it was, oh boy would that help me say f*** you to him for good. But who knows, and it doesn't really matter either I guess. 😕 

 

[dramafreezone]

On 1/21/2021 at 11:57 AM, preciousgaucho said:

Hi there,

   My boyfriend (22M) and I (20F) just broke up. We both are still in love but he has past traumas that he has to deal with because it makes him emotionally unavilable. As much as he wants to deal with himself while with me, he knows that is not fair to me, even though I pleaded otherwise. In an ideal world, he would better himself and then we would get back together because it really does feel like soul mates. But I can't live on that hope. How do I get over that even though we both still love each other and are best friends?

People that are in love don't break up.  You can definitely still care about a person and break up with them, but being "in love" really means loving the way that person makes us feel.  This is why people fall out of love, because the feeling fades.  If being in love were truly rooted in that other person, then falling out of love would be impossible.   If you no longer make him feel that same way when things were blissful, then he can't say that he's still in love.

I'm sure he does still love you as a person but you deserve someone that is actually in love with you.  That's how you move on, by knowing that you deserve someone that is in love with you.

Edited January 25, 2021 by dramafreezone

[preciousgaucho]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

People that are in love don't break up.  You can definitely still care about a person and break up with them, but being "in love" really means loving the way that person makes us feel.  This is why people fall out of love, because the feeling fades.  If being in love were truly rooted in that other person, then falling out of love would be impossible.   If you no longer make him feel that same way when things were blissful, then he can't say that he's still in love.

I'm sure he does still love you as a person but you deserve someone that is actually in love with you.  That's how you move on, by knowing that you deserve someone that is in love with you.

I wish he would just say that then,  

[Gaeta]

You are waiting for him to put a definitive end to this relationship and it's not going to happen so you will have to do it (in your mind) for yourself. Notice in the future that it will happen often that men don't give you a clean cut for many reasons, too weak, don't want to see you cry, don't want to hurt your feelings, leave a crack in the door for sex, etc. 

[preciousgaucho]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

You are waiting for him to put a definitive end to this relationship and it's not going to happen so you will have to do it (in your mind) for yourself. Notice in the future that it will happen often that men don't give you a clean cut for many reasons, too weak, don't want to see you cry, don't want to hurt your feelings, leave a crack in the door for sex, etc. 

Thats a good point. I definitely am waiting. Hard not to I think. 

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Thats a good point. I definitely am waiting. Hard not to I think. 

Keep in mind commitmentphobes can't commit to yes OR no, both decisions cause extreme anxiety so they're like "maybe someday" or "when I figure my shyt out" (just like he did).  Or they simply ghost leaving the door open for if/when they ever change their mind.

They simply cannot in their mind commit to NO!   Or YES.  So they go back and forth, and keep you dangling.   It's crazy making and cruel.

I agree with Gaeta, you will never get the final closure you need from this person (I hesitate calling him a man because his behaviour is so cowardly). 

You will have to get your closure on your own.  Educate yourself about people with serious commitment issues (commitmentphobes), understand it.  He sounds like a classic case.

 

 

Edited January 26, 2021 by poppyfields