Gaeta Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 1 hour ago, preciousgaucho said: Thats a good point. I definitely am waiting. Hard not to I think. Yes it's hard and it doesn't happen in a week, not even in a month but you know you need to get there. It's been 2 months for me and l think about him every day so it takes time. You're a very smart young woman, l wish l would have been as smart as you when l was your age. You will be just fine, sky is the limit at 20! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 5 hours ago, Gaeta said: You are waiting for him to put a definitive end to this relationship and it's not going to happen so you will have to do it (in your mind) for yourself. Yup, exactly. Break-ups are almost never that clean-cut, OP. His ending it is your answer that he doesn't feel the same way anymore. And the overwhelming probability is that he won't come back. Or at least, he won't come back and stay back. Reconciliations under these circumstances nearly always lead to another break-up. You two have run your course, which is normal at your respective ages. It hurts, I know, but one day you will ask yourself why you gave so much to a guy who apparently held back from you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 20 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Yup, exactly. Break-ups are almost never that clean-cut, OP. His ending it is your answer that he doesn't feel the same way anymore. And the overwhelming probability is that he won't come back. Or at least, he won't come back and stay back. Reconciliations under these circumstances nearly always lead to another break-up. You two have run your course, which is normal at your respective ages. It hurts, I know, but one day you will ask yourself why you gave so much to a guy who apparently held back from you. I agree with you. Break-ups are never clean-cut. Ever. The person who initiates the breakup can't be bothered to placate the other person by giving them emotional closure. They may give the person false platitudes like, "I'll always love you," to "Someday, you'll look back on this and see it was for the best," to "It's not you, it's me." Those platitudes are not meant for the other person. The person who initiates the breakup says those things out loud in order to relieve THEMSELVES of feeling guilty for doing the dumping. When you realize that, you can see how selfish that behavior actually is. So, as everyone has advised you, don't hold your breath for your ex-boyfriend to reconcile with you after he "fixes" his emotional problems. The relationship ended because it was not a good relationship. It ended because it ran its course. And when things end, there is always the emotional pain afterwards. Like, having your wisdom teeth pulled. The teeth overcrowd the mouth, and they cause pain. The idea of losing any teeth when you're an adult is scary, so you postpone the inevitable. You delay having your wisdom teeth extracted because you want to avoid the pain that you know you will feel afterward. But, you can't keep the wisdom teeth as they give you terrible headaches, cause infections in your mouth, and makes your gums bleed and pushes against your other molars. So, eventually, you get the wisdom teeth extracted. You wake up in extreme pain and feel woozy. Then, your recovery begins. You spend the next week to two weeks drinking malts, eating ice cream and sucking on ice. In between stuffing your face with cotton and taking OTC NSAIDS until the pain subsides. But eventually, the pain subsides, and your mouth heals from the teeth extraction. Pretty soon, you don't have any more headaches and you don't notice any difference when you're chewing your food. Same thing with breakups. They hurt for a while and you take steps to aid your emotional recovery from them, until the pain subsides and you are ready to date other people again. You will get over him, OP. But it will take time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author preciousgaucho Posted January 27, 2021 Author Share Posted January 27, 2021 2 hours ago, Watercolors said: I agree with you. Break-ups are never clean-cut. Ever. The person who initiates the breakup can't be bothered to placate the other person by giving them emotional closure. They may give the person false platitudes like, "I'll always love you," to "Someday, you'll look back on this and see it was for the best," to "It's not you, it's me." Those platitudes are not meant for the other person. The person who initiates the breakup says those things out loud in order to relieve THEMSELVES of feeling guilty for doing the dumping. When you realize that, you can see how selfish that behavior actually is. So, as everyone has advised you, don't hold your breath for your ex-boyfriend to reconcile with you after he "fixes" his emotional problems. The relationship ended because it was not a good relationship. It ended because it ran its course. And when things end, there is always the emotional pain afterwards. Like, having your wisdom teeth pulled. The teeth overcrowd the mouth, and they cause pain. The idea of losing any teeth when you're an adult is scary, so you postpone the inevitable. You delay having your wisdom teeth extracted because you want to avoid the pain that you know you will feel afterward. But, you can't keep the wisdom teeth as they give you terrible headaches, cause infections in your mouth, and makes your gums bleed and pushes against your other molars. So, eventually, you get the wisdom teeth extracted. You wake up in extreme pain and feel woozy. Then, your recovery begins. You spend the next week to two weeks drinking malts, eating ice cream and sucking on ice. In between stuffing your face with cotton and taking OTC NSAIDS until the pain subsides. But eventually, the pain subsides, and your mouth heals from the teeth extraction. Pretty soon, you don't have any more headaches and you don't notice any difference when you're chewing your food. Same thing with breakups. They hurt for a while and you take steps to aid your emotional recovery from them, until the pain subsides and you are ready to date other people again. You will get over him, OP. But it will take time. Yeah, all those words were for him. Which is annoying. But yeah, I agree, time and distance. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author preciousgaucho Posted February 6, 2021 Author Share Posted February 6, 2021 Update: he just texted me "im texting this in a way that im trying not to hurt you but i want you tk know that i think about you and your family and that this isnt easy for me at all. Like i said once and ill say it again a thousand more times if you need anything Im here. Than 40 minutes later "no need to respond if it helps, just wanted to share." I am not going to respond because I know that texts was for him to feel better and not for me, plus theres nothing I could say that would mean or do anything. Because I know that a break up is the best for now. and i want a future together but I think time and patience will show that more. Its hard because texts like that confuse me because part of me says oh just move on f*** him, but then its like oh based on this and what he said, it sounds like he does want to be together, but just knows its not the best for right now for either one of us which I agree with. I guess time will show everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said: part of me says oh just move on f*** him, This is your instincts, rational brain and gut speaking. That saccharine obsequious text was sort of nauseating to read.🤢 It would be best to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Who needs a little nausea at random times, just when you are moving forward? Edited February 6, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 You're right, it's his guit talking because he knows he was not 100% honest with you. He really thinks you will call upon him for help! He thinks very highly of himself! The best is to block him at least for the next 6 months untill you had time to get real distance and real perspective. In 6 months i'm pretty sure you won't feel the need to unblock him. Link to post Share on other sites
StrongHands Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 On 1/21/2021 at 3:04 PM, littleblackheart said: Well, if he really is your person, you won't have lost him. Wish him well, keep in touch occasionally if that's an option, and do your thing. There isn't much else you can do. Also, if your bond means as much to him as it does to you, I would keep hope.🙂. OP, there are times when you simply have to LET someone Go, set them FREE and know in your heart if the love you share is TRUE then that LOVE will bring you back together. No regrets, no feelings of despair do it knowing that it's best for one or both of you at that time. From a man's point of view, if you EVER make someone's SMILE GO AWAY then that is a sign that THINGS are on the decline or already there. Love, true love, does NOT disappear when you are apart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author preciousgaucho Posted February 6, 2021 Author Share Posted February 6, 2021 3 hours ago, StrongHands said: OP, there are times when you simply have to LET someone Go, set them FREE and know in your heart if the love you share is TRUE then that LOVE will bring you back together. No regrets, no feelings of despair do it knowing that it's best for one or both of you at that time. From a man's point of view, if you EVER make someone's SMILE GO AWAY then that is a sign that THINGS are on the decline or already there. Love, true love, does NOT disappear when you are apart. True. And that's what gives me peace right now. Like I'm happy we are in a break up right now so we can both grow, but if that love was true and meant to be, then it will also bring us back together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 He feels guilty and is trying to make himself feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
StrongHands Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 1 hour ago, preciousgaucho said: True. And that's what gives me peace right now. Like I'm happy we are in a break up right now so we can both grow, but if that love was true and meant to be, then it will also bring us back together. I hope it works out for you PG. You are right IF IT IS MEANT TO BE you will get back together. It's said that there is truly NO EASY way to break someone's heart (or your own). That is what I have learned, TRIALS OF THE HEART are soooooooo much more painful than any PHYSICAL pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author preciousgaucho Posted February 13, 2021 Author Share Posted February 13, 2021 Didnt respond to his last text. One week later, today, he sends me this: One of the ways I’m healing is being honest with myself. And I want you to know some stuff. because I feel like I didn’t show it as much as I wanted to. First off. I’m sorry about the phone thing that happened a year ago. I should have been more open, accepting and supportive . Nobody should have gone through that. And it wasn’t right on my part .It’s not who I am. I just never let my walls down enough to understand how it would truly make someone feel. You’re strong and I know we made it work but you shouldn’t have gone through that and I know I’m not perfect but I could of handled it better. I pride myself of being a man and the way I handled that situation wasn’t correct. I’m sorry for losing slight of who I was . I didn’t need to be/act so tough . I’m trying right now in my life to let walls down . And it’s not easy. And texting it out and saying sorry is helping me. But I knew breaking up. Would help me grow in these ways and learn from my mistakes . Im not sacred to look at pictures of us or read the notes you wrote me . Its not easy but it’s helps the healing process .I hope this doesnt upset you and I know it was all over the place but that’s because that’s how my emotions are right now .But I just wanted to say you’re the strongest women and I hope you get everything you want in life. And that I’m sorry. triggered by memories today so all these emotions came up. Sorry for text no need to respond" I mean, what? I know you all will say its just for him, which it is. I am glad hes being retrospective and working on him but like...idk. The line "i hope you get everything you want out of life." like hes going to see me again. And like wouldnt he want to use his growth to give me everything i want in life? I know things arent that logical and i am happy we are broken up cause i have focused on me but like these texts trigger me!!! havent responded but im like f***. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 13, 2021 Share Posted February 13, 2021 He didn't break up with you to "grow" so that you could be together again... Who does that? No-one. These words can get flung around in order to soften the blow but no-one really splits up with anyone they love and see a future with. Why would they? People split up mainly because they see no future and because they want to go out and meet other people. He is young, he feels guilty for hurting you, but do not mistake pity for love. The reason for going No Contact is to avoid getting these type of messages and to avoid being triggered by any nonsense from the dumper. Going NC also stops you seeing the inevitable signs of him moving on with other women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 13, 2021 Share Posted February 13, 2021 1 hour ago, preciousgaucho said: ! havent responded but im like f***. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. What the heck is that last drivel? Charge him $250/hr for even reading that selfserving BS.🎻 Don't be his soundings board, friend or psychiatrist. That last message sort of confirms dumping this clown was the right choice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2021 Share Posted February 13, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, preciousgaucho said: The line "i hope you get everything you want out of life." like hes going to see me again. And like wouldnt he want to use his growth to give me everything i want in life? I know things arent that logical and i am happy we are broken up cause i have focused on me but like these texts trigger me!!! havent responded but im like f***. *I hope you get everything you want out of life* is something people say when they part ways and move on without each other. I don't know why you read this as he's going to see you again. When we breakup we all go through this process of analyzing our past behavior and sometimes we experience regret, anger, sadness. Usually we speak to a friend, therapist, a family member or a forum about those feelings to exorcist them out of us. It's NEVER recommended to express our regrets, anger, sadness to our ex. He's young and he doesn't know that, and he does what he thinks is right, he tells you his regrets. It helps him purge them out but it's not helping you, that's why that message is for him. I strongly suggest you block him. You are not his personal journal, his shrink, or his friend. It's not your job to listen or read all about his personal journey about walking out of your life. Edited February 13, 2021 by Gaeta 4 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 13, 2021 Share Posted February 13, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: *I hope you get everything you want out of life* is something people say when they part ways and move on without each other. I don't know why you read this as he's going to see you again. When we breakup we all go through this process of analyzing our past behavior and sometimes we experience regret, anger, sadness. Usually we speak to a friend, therapist, a family member or a forum about those feelings to exorcist them out of us. It's NEVER recommended to express our regrets, anger, sadness to our ex. He's young and he doesn't know that, and he does what he thinks is right, he tells you his regrets. It helps him purge them out but it's not helping you, that's why that message is for him. I strongly suggest you block him. You are not his personal journal, his shrink, or his friend. It's not your job to listen or read all about his personal journey about walking out of your life. This.^^ The bolded but all of it really. All of Wiseman's posts too. Nuff said. Edited February 13, 2021 by poppyfields 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2021 Share Posted February 13, 2021 10 hours ago, preciousgaucho said: The line "i hope you get everything you want out of life." like hes going to see me again. It does? It reads to me like "I didn't know how to tell you this before, so I let you think we would get back together, but this is actually goodbye." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author preciousgaucho Posted February 13, 2021 Author Share Posted February 13, 2021 24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: It does? It reads to me like "I didn't know how to tell you this before, so I let you think we would get back together, but this is actually goodbye." No no I mean like idk everything he texted feels like something you would say in person. Cause we have each others stuff at our house and are going to have to see each other at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 13, 2021 Share Posted February 13, 2021 5 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said: Cause we have each others stuff at our house and are going to have to see each other at some point. Not necessarily. Some people move on and leave all their stuff behind, or they have already removed the stuff they really wanted to keep long before the break up so they don't need to retrieve anything later.. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2021 Share Posted February 13, 2021 46 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said: No no I mean like idk everything he texted feels like something you would say in person. Cause we have each others stuff at our house and are going to have to see each other at some point. Please box all of this things and give them to a friend or a sibling to bring it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2021 Share Posted February 13, 2021 2 hours ago, preciousgaucho said: No no I mean like idk everything he texted feels like something you would say in person. Cause we have each others stuff at our house and are going to have to see each other at some point. I would strongly advise that you ask a friend or someone mutual to pick it up for you, and deliver his things to him. It isn't necessary to see each other in person for this. I think seeing him anytime soon would be too painful for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author preciousgaucho Posted February 28, 2021 Author Share Posted February 28, 2021 (edited) Little update I guess. He texted me a couple days after this and I gave in and responded. I know I shouldn't of, but did anyways. He responded almost immediately saying I am so happy you texted. We talked that night for about an hour. Obviously was a bit like nervous and had the usual catch up. Then he talked about the work he has been doing and how he's trying to be better and has learned a lot through reflection. He told me he was sorry and I told him that I understood the situation and am happy he's working on himself, but that he could have filled me in more on how he was feeling so the break up reflected what he was feeling and did not feel so harsh. He told me all these compliments and how much he loved me. I didn't say it back because now my walls are up, which he noticed, and said that he knows how he feels. Over the last couple of weeks, we have spoken a bit more and more. Sometimes he will call. Sometimes I will call. I know I am treading on a blurry line, but honestly I am just kind of going by how it feels. At first it was nice to talk to him. Because I had grown a lot in that month and realized I was fine on my own. Now, after talking for a week or two once or twice a day by text or over the phone, I've expressed how I cannot keep doing this casual talking thing. For him, his reasoning is that he does not want to not talk to me and then suddenly reach out to me when he feels healed and ready to be there emotionally fully for someone and complete as a man. Which is valid and genuine I believe. However, I told him that I cannot casually text someone who I've only known as a boyfriend (we met online) for two years for months on end, because then my heart wants to become reliant, and I am just not someone who can give 50%. I am mostly writing this just to get it out of my brain, as I know I will have to set that boundary again. It was fine when I was fine with casual, but hearing him mention "oh we aren't dating" or oh this oh that makes me realize how NOT okay I am with this in between. I don't believe he is bread-crumbing me, as I truly can't see a reason why he would text me so much if so. Every time we talk too, he wants to keep it light but I always want to talk about this future because in my head, if you love someone, it should hurt to not be with them. I've been honest and open with him, and he says that it's not personal to me, and that the only reason he is fine with the situation is because he knows he's not fully complete yet, which takes time. I get it, and I understand. Sometimes I hate how much I care still, but I think with COVID my mind just goes in circles. Anyways, just wanted to get this out. I don't want to be with him right now, as I can tell in his responses that he has not grown to the level I need him to. I just miss being around him, but like I've told him, I'm not the one that needs to be fighting for us or show any changes, that's all on him. And I think talking to him makes me confused because even though he says he's growing for him and US, I am someone who loves fully and hates not being able to be there for him, and I think if he loves me why wouldn't he be hurting being a part. But I guess that emotion and expressing it is what he is working on, and is more of a reason for me to give him space. It's just hard cause so little is happening right now. But, like I told him, I need someone to be there for good and bad, to take me out, etc., not just someone who is OK calling me once a day. Edited February 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Added paragraphs and spacing for readability. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 So he won't reach to you again? I know it's hard for you as you love him but it's really the best you can do for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 8 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said: I don't believe he is breadcrumming me, as I truly can't see a reason why he would text me so much if so. I told him, I need someone to be there for good and bad, to take me out, etc., not just someone who is OK calling me once a day. Good you got it out there. However it's going in circles now with his complains about 'finding himself', etc. In fact he's not bread crumbing, he's buttering up to try to revert this to his terms of no strings sex. It very important to get out of the habit of overinvesting and waiting for someone to change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 This sounds like awful limbo. I strongly suggest going back to No Contact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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