Author preciousgaucho Posted February 28, 2021 Author Share Posted February 28, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Good you got it out there. However it's going in circles now with his complains about 'finding himself', etc. In fact he's not bread crumbing, he's buttering up to try to revert this to his terms of no strings sex. It very important to get out of the habit of overinvesting and waiting for someone to change. My friend also told me yesturday that as hard as it is for empaths like me to admit, sometimes people's best's just aren't enough. And it doesn't mean I'm asking for too much, or that we don't have a connection, it just means that right now, his best is not enough for me. It hasn't been for a while. And as much as I want him TO get better so that is IS enough for me, I can't have faith that that will happen quickly or at all. See, I tell myself this in my head, but having my heart accept that is harder. I think thats what time is for though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author preciousgaucho Posted February 28, 2021 Author Share Posted February 28, 2021 1 hour ago, Minneloa said: This sounds like awful limbo. I strongly suggest going back to No Contact. The worst! Especially because we both do care. Makes it trickier. But yes, I agree Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 9 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said: The worst! Especially because we both do care. Makes it trickier. But yes, I agree Preciousgaucho: he cares, but he is not in love with you anymore. You need to understand that. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 I would be blunt and ask if he wants to get back together, and if the answer was anything other than the word "yes", I'd block him immediately. It's not clear to me what he's doing here but I think he's trying to make himself feel better and look like a good guy during all this, which is dumb. Responsible adults acknowledge that breakups hurt feelings and exit the scene without trying to ease their own guilt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 He is using you to help him transition from being in a state of couple hood to single hood. He gets to be free whilst still maintaining contact. He gets to avoid the lonely phase, whilst still moving on. When he meets some wow girl, you will not see him for dust. You are meanwhile boosting his ego and making him feel better. Nothing better for the ego, than an "in love" ex... This halfway house arrangement also stops you from moving on. He probably wants you single and miserable until he can find someone else... the last thing he wants is for you to be coupled up and happy whilst he is still alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: He is using you to help him transition from being in a state of couple hood to single hood. He gets to be free whilst still maintaining contact. He gets to avoid the lonely phase, whilst still moving on. Yes, this. He doesn't feel the way you do anymore, OP. What he's doing with the continued casual contact is terribly unfair to you and, frankly, quite selfish. He gets to rely on your for attention and a sounding board when he wants, without any sort of commitment to you. This is likely going to wind up hurting you all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author preciousgaucho Posted March 1, 2021 Author Share Posted March 1, 2021 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Yes, this. He doesn't feel the way you do anymore, OP. What he's doing with the continued casual contact is terribly unfair to you and, frankly, quite selfish. He gets to rely on your for attention and a sounding board when he wants, without any sort of commitment to you. This is likely going to wind up hurting you all over again. Yeah, especially your last line. Rely on me for attention without any sort of commitment to me. I brought that up to him and said i don't want to talk to you if its for company or convenience . He said it wasn't, and that it was because he wants to date me but can't right now given that he has to put more energy into him. But why trust that I mean we aren't even together. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 25 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said: Yeah, especially your last line. Rely on me for attention without any sort of commitment to me. I brought that up to him and said i don't want to talk to you if its for company or convenience . He said it wasn't, and that it was because he wants to date me but can't right now given that he has to put more energy into him. But why trust that I mean we aren't even together. Of course he's going to deny anything you say, he only sees HIS benefits, not once he sees yours. He's so confused he's lying to himself and he doesn't even know it. Please cut your contact. Be kind to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 25 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said: Yeah, especially your last line. Rely on me for attention without any sort of commitment to me. I brought that up to him and said i don't want to talk to you if its for company or convenience . He said it wasn't, and that it was because he wants to date me but can't right now given that he has to put more energy into him. But why trust that I mean we aren't even together. He's full of malarkey. He could have continued the relationship if he'd genuinely wanted to; it's not as hard as he's making it sound. That's why you shouldn't trust him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author preciousgaucho Posted March 1, 2021 Author Share Posted March 1, 2021 He just called me asking to get lunch LOL this guy You're right, he's given me no reasons to trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 3 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said: He just called me asking to get lunch LOL this guy Bad idea. I would strongly advise against this. It's going to give you false hope. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Yes, this. He doesn't feel the way you do anymore, OP. What he's doing with the continued casual contact is terribly unfair to you and, frankly, quite selfish. He gets to rely on your for attention and a sounding board when he wants, without any sort of commitment to you. This is likely going to wind up hurting you all over again. I totally agree with you and @elaine567. @preciousgaucho, he's using you to soothe himself, help him transition through a hard period. And he also does not want you to move on. It's possible that he doesn't know that this is what he is doing. We humans are very good at lying to ourselves about our intentions. That bit about your being strong is also something that some people say when they have hurt you deeply or are about to hurt you again. It's their way of minimizing their guilt about whatever. Like others have said, you're neither a journal nor a therapist. It's not your job to do the emotional work that will help him grow. That is his job. You described yourself as an empath. It's been my observation that people who identify strongly with that description often put others first to their own detriment. That seems to be what you're doing right now. I hope you will find the strength to return to NC and block him this time. He asked to break up so that he could work on himself. So give him the break-up he asked for. Give him the blessing to truly work on himself by blocking him. (I'm not being sarcastic.) 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 (edited) I agree with everyone, he is using you (literally) to make the ending easier for him. His purpose is to keep you close until he no longer needs you after which he will discard you like yesterday's news and firmly shut the door. It is 100% self-serving. The others are right, you are not his therapist or "best friend," I highly encourage you to not act like one. When you assume those roles, you are placing his emotional well-being above yours. Thus, he becomes the more important person in the relationship. You're hurt, he hurt you. It's okay to feel angry about that and tell him in your own words to get lost. I encourage you to do just that, then block. Take steps to move on with your life. Edited March 1, 2021 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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