Breaking up when you still love each other

[poppyfields]

19 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

My boyfriend (22M) and I (20F) just broke up. We both are still in love but he has past traumas that he has to deal with because it makes him emotionally unavilable. As much as he wants to deal with himself while with me, he knows that is not fair to me, even though I pleaded otherwise. 

So you were in a relationship for two years, that's a long time.  Clearly he was emotionaly available during this time otherwise he would not have stayed for two years. 

So now suddenly after two years wherein you bonded emotionally (according to you) and had this great relationship, he tells you he cannot deal with his past traumas?  And suddenly becomes emotionally unavailable?

The same past traumas that were there during the two years you were together?

Does that make sense to you?  Unless this is some new recent trauma, to me it sounds like a load of * and he is using it as an excuse to soften the blow.

I mean think about it.  For two blissful years, he was emotionally available, but now suddenly after two years, he's not?  Doesn't make sense. 

I'm sorry to say this but to me it sounds like he felt pressured by the intensity of the relationship, and wanted out.  He's done.  

He did you a great disservice by not being truthful and blaming it on these past traumas that were well in place during your two years together.  

Suddenly now, after two years, he's bothered by them, can't move forward and is "emotionally unavailable."  I'm not buying it and neither should you. 

Please do not idealize this as some great love story of two long lost lovers who will someday reunite and live happily ever after. 

Life does not work that way.

He wanted out, but didn't know how to tell you so fed you this story, which is all it is imo, a story.  To ease the blow.

I'm sorry this happened and I'm sorry you're hurting.  I truly am, been there, done that, we all have. 

Be patient with yourself, time does heal, I promise you. 

Hugs.

 

Edited January 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[preciousgaucho]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

A lot of dumpers do that, unfortunately. 

It's going to take time to process, and no doubt it hurts a lot right now. But maybe you can elaborate for us - in which ways did he shut down while you were dating? Did he not respond to messages/calls, avoided making plans, or? 

No, we saw each other a lot. He just didn't handle emotions well, whether they were his, mine, or others. It is because his job requires him to put aside negative emotions instead of dealing with them. He is the only man in his family and has way too much responsability, as he really takes care of everyone in his life. However, he never really dealt with how it made him feel, as he always tried to deal with things privately. It got worse over the past couple months with multiple deaths in his family. While some would lean on others for comfort, he deals with it privately, as that is all he has done throughout childhood. It got to a point where he felt so overwhelmed I think that he felt guilty that he could not give me the emotional time that he knows he should have, as he felt broken as a person really. 

[preciousgaucho]

10 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I've been on both ends of this with the same guy so let me share with you. 

My now  husband had a girlfriend he had been with for several years. She lived a few hours away but his second year of college he attended the same school as her so they could be together all the time.  Their relationship seemed perfect. They'd known each other since childhood, were always together, and did really sappy stuff like love letters, photo calendars, you name it. Towards the end of the year, she decided she wanted to move back home and wanted him to transfer to the college there because they loved each other  so much. He didn't care for her home college  and decided  to move back home. He wanted to stay in the relationship and see each other on weekends. but she didn't trust that he would remain faithful to her, even though he swore he would, so they made the decision to break up. They had this amazing last weekend  together where they made love all night and cried about how much they were going to miss each other, but still moved forward with the break up. A week later,  he attended her going away party and met me ( i was there with a guy i was dating) . We had an instant connection and were both moving back to the same city. He called me as soon as we moved back home and we were in a relationship in a little over a month. His ex stayed in touch with him as friends and so she always knew what was going on with us.  

It was a constant push and pull with her trying to reel him back in her life as her boyfriend, but he had moved on and was happy with me so he declined. She was persistent though and finally drove a wedge between us four years into our relationship. He told me he loved me but still had alot of love for her since they knew each other so long. I let him go and he moved to her town, but kept in touch with me just like he did all those years with her.  Since we remained  friends, I visited him every few months and whenever I was up there,  we went at it like rabbits, even though he told her he wasn't sleeping with me anymore.  Eventually, she wisened up to his cheating and broke it off, but still kept in touch with him.  He cried like a baby right on my shoulder (pretty effed up, right?) , and told me he loved me too and that's why he continued to sleep with both of us, but was in no position to be the boyfriend I deserved and needed. He asked for time because  he was not in a place to be in a relationship with anyone, but wanted to remain friends. Soon after that,  he started sleeping with a bunch of other girls. Being we were still friends I had to hear all about it from both him, his friends, and even his dad. At first, I tolerated it, telling myself it was just a phase and if  I stuck by him, he'd  come back to me,  but the night he left me at his house to go hook up with one of those girls, I finally came to my senses. It was like an instant epiphany.  I was better than that, so how I could I be so stupid to put up with it. I had men asking me out left and right, and I was settling for this? I left his house before he got back and cut off all contact with him.  He fought tooth and nail to pull me back into his life, but I knew if I gave in again, I'd end up right back where I was, so I moved on with my life and started dating other guys. He left messages on my phone all the time , even showed up at my workplace and I had my boss throw him out.  I still loved him, but I wasn't going to allow myself to be demoted from his long term girlfriend to one of his many floozies, even though I still believe he was my soulmate.  I kept tabs on him through his dad and a few friends of his I had grown very close to. We all agreed It was like we didn't even know the person he had become. 

Eventually, he left  me a message he was moving back to the town where his ex was to try again with her and that lasted a few months. They broke up  for good finally, but he didn't move back because he had established a great job there. We had been nc for almost a year at this point, but I hadn't met a guy I felt as strongly as I did for him, so I decided to pick up the phone one day when he called. He invited me up and we started dating again. Within a few months, he changed jobs,  moved back home , we got engaged and were married in less than a year. We've been married for over 20 years now. 

I'm sharing this with you to show you how his ex and myself handled the situation differently.  She remained in his life for years while he pursued a relationship with me and for a short while others, but ultimately she ended up losing him. I went down the same road as her at first, but then realized I was too good to be treated that way and  he'd never truly appreciate my worth until he completely lost me. I know you want to stay in his life as a friend, but trust me, this will only put you on the back burner and it will kill you emotionally when he starts dating others. It was one of the most grueling mental experiences I've ever endured and I wish I would have walked away alot sooner. As you can see with my situation, sometimes things do work out the way you want them to in the end, but I firmly believe me walking away is what made him realize what he was losing,  The only chance you have of getting him back anytime in the future is to go no contact. I know it's cliche, but if it's meant to be, you'll find your way back to each other one day. It's not the typical scenario though, so don't bank on it. Mine is just one of those rare instances. Usually you move on with your life  and eventually you fall in love with someone else and commit to each other, someone that will make themselves available to you physically and emotionally. I know it's hard after two years, but I did it after twice as long, so you need to find the strength. He is not in a position to give you the love and affection you deserve so do not sell yourself short.  You're too young to waste your time on a guy who is not ready to give himself wholeheartedly when there are so many others out there that will. Give yourself a little time to grieve the loss of the relationship and then get back out there and find a man who will give himself to you 100%. 

Good luck:) 

Thank you, wow! Yeah, we definitely could not be friends. We find each other way too attractive to do that haha. And we would both be jealous of other partners. I have been doing no contact, and will be doing no contact. I became too emotionally reliant on him for my fun, my comfort, my security, everything. This is good for me too because I know that I would have done evrything for him, at a time when he isnt capable of doing that for me. In the back of my head though, I cant help but think about the connection we have, and how if we both work on this stuff, he will actually be able to give me 100%. 

You know what I mean? Like I havent cried once since he broke up. I feel anxious and have a pit in my stomach, but havent cried. Its because i know that this break is good because he needs to grow. But its hard to swallow the pill that maybe when he is able to give himself 100% to someone, that that someone wouldnt be me, considering we broke up for reasons unrelated to love, chemistry, values, etc. Ya know? I know I cant control his path and his journey but I dont know what man wouldnt want to be with the woman they love once theyve grown. Idk. Not that I'll wait for him, cause like I said, I need to grow too. But the hope of reconnecting in the near future brings me comfort. Idk. If he really meant what he said in that he still loved me. 

Then again, he said oh yeah maybe well reconnect inlike 10 years. I said 10 years..yeah right pal. lol

[preciousgaucho]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

What steps is he taking to improve himself so he can be the person you want?

He's going to therapy, which he has never done before. He is a firefighter and is only 22, so so dang young and has been working since he left high school. He has seen so much trauma and has never learned nor seen any example with how to deal with emotions properly. So instead of facing them and dealing with how much they hurt, he locks them away and moves on. So yeah hes going to therapy. The only thing is though, this is his journey. Like he is the person I want, and I am the person he wants, but he felt he could not work on himself, deal with all the issues in his life rn, and still be an attentive boyfriend like I deserve. I like to think that when he does heal he'll come back..but that just might be in my heart what I want considering we love each other so much

[preciousgaucho]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You are deluding yourself.  You are doing anything & everything to hold on to the smallest things to give yourself hope & avoid the pain you are feeling from the break up.

First, you both live in California & were seeing each other regularly for two years.  You were never long distance so please stop saying that you were.  The fact that you didn't live together doesn't make it long distance.  IMO, to be long distance means you lived more than a 4 hour drive apart or needed a plane to see each other. 

When he figures out himself, he will want another woman.  Sorry but that is just how these things work.  When broken people heal they don't go back to dating the person they were with when they were emotionally screwed up.  They move forward to a new person with whom they are more compatible now that they are healthy. 

When he continues to say he loves you he no longer means it in a romantic way.  He says it to soften the blow of the break up.  He means he thinks you are a wonderful person & he hates being the source of your pain.  If he still loved you romantically he would not have broken up with you.

As much as you are in pain, it will eventually pass.  There are some universal steps to your own healing: 

1.  Accept it's over & stop holding out hope for reconciliation

2.  Grieve the end of the relationship. 

3.  Surround yourself with supportive friends & family (not his friends & family)   You will have to explain to his sister that talking to her is too painful. 

4.  Go NC on all platforms, including no longer talking to his sister.  Disconnect on social media 

5.  Purge your life of the mementos.  If you can't throw them out, box them up.  Include photos

6.  Rearrange your life & routine.  Move some furniture around in your house.  Get new sheets.  Buy some throw pillows & plant.  Just make your space visually different from when he was in it.

7.  Exercise.  You need the positive endorphins that come from movement.

8.  Redirect.  Throw yourself into school, work or past hobbies.  Get new ones.  Keep yourself intellectually challanged

Hang in there. 

Yeah, I mean we were a 4 hour drive considering I was at school and he worked in northern california but I see what you mean. And yeah, I guess youre right. I wished he phrased it differently then so I literally could have no hope. Then I think it would be easier to do the whole "f*** him blah blah." Cause rn all I feel is understanding for his situation. I guess its hard for me to admit that that love we have is over. Idk, maybe youre right it is no longer in a romantic way but idk. Yeah. 

[preciousgaucho]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

preciousgaucho: Firefighters have all sorts of therapists and psychologists at their disposal to deal with their demons. If he were serious about working on his issues he would have taken that route. He's just not feeling it anymore. 

I want to join my voice to the others that said often people will tell us they love us while they break up just to ease the blow. The night my ex and I broke up he told me 100s times he loved me and didn't want to lose me. The following day he wouldn't pick up my calls. You need to let the days go by and you'll see clearer. You'll also see how fast he'll go from 'loving you' to going on with his life. I am sorry I know it hurts to hear it. Stay with us we will walk through it with you. 

Yeah, but it really is discouraged to use those tools when you are trying to prove yourself in your job. And yeah. I know isnt that crazy. Still, I rationalize all of that with like its not that he doesnt love, he just cant, and knows I would be settling. 

I guess the days do make it easier. I just dont feel sad right now. Like i miss him, but I dont feel sad because I know that even though I wish he could deal with his s*** and be with me, that wouldnt be fair to me because he couldnt pour from an empty cup. So its like I am going on with my life, but I still love him for the man he is, with all his flaws, fulling knowing that I shouldnt be with him right now, but wanting to be with him when he is fixed. Thats the problem. But youre right, just giivng it time

[preciousgaucho]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

If he's a California fire fighter this isn't all they have at their disposal but women fall at their feet.  I swear it must be a prerequisite to be really good looking to be a policeman or firefighter there.  OP, I myself have used the "I need to get my head, life and money together", "I'm not good enough for you", "my grandma died and I have to get over it", excuses when I was single and wanted to move on.  It is hand wringing to the dumper to hurt someone you once loved or someone who is a good person.  There is just no good way to break up with someone and not hurt them so you put the blame on yourself and your short comings.  The main point is they no longer want to be with you anymore even if they still feel love for you in their heart.

Totally. I told him the its not you, its not me thing was so cliche. But he said, well, its cliche for a reason. Ive thought all these thoughts, but I always rationalize it with "its not that he no longer wants to be with me, its that he truly cant give me what I deserve right now based on his emotional state that makes him so closed off. Like, its not that he doesnt want to be with me, because he said he did, its that he is not in a place where he can be the person who can give 100% to a relationship, as he feels drained as an individual. For someone as prideful as fireman, to admit that they are broken and need to work on their being takes a lot. Maybe this healing wont lead him back to me. I wont wait, but because we didnt break up for love or passion or anything, its just hard. 

Essentially what happened was we saw each other in early Jan, then he was at his home 6 hours away for 10 days or so and just realized that he had so much going on, and a limited time to work on himself before his 24/7 work began. He just felt guilty in that he couldnt give me emotonally what i deserved. If he was in a better emotional state without so much going on, then he said that he feels he could do both. But he said it wouldnt be fair to me. Idk. So its not like we saw each other and didnt feel it anymore. Its that in the time apart he felt so overwhelmed emotionally and guilty that he could not give me what he knew i deserved. 

[preciousgaucho]

don't thi

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

So you were in a relationship for two years, that's a long time.  Clearly he was emotionaly available during this time otherwise he would not have stayed for two years. 

So now suddenly after two years wherein you bonded emotionally (according to you) and had this great relationship, he tells you he cannot deal with his past traumas?  And suddenly becomes emotionally unavailable?

The same past traumas that were there during the two years you were together?

Does that make sense to you?  Unless this is some new recent trauma, to me it sounds like a load of * and he is using it as an excuse to soften the blow.

I mean think about it.  For two blissful years, he was emotionally available, but now suddenly after two years, he's not?  Doesn't make sense. 

I'm sorry to say this but to me it sounds like he felt pressured by the intensity of the relationship, and wanted out.  He's done.  

He did you a great disservice by not being truthful and blaming it on these past traumas that were well in place during your two years together.  

Suddenly now, after two years, he's bothered by them, can't move forward and is "emotionally unavailable."  I'm not buying it and neither should you. 

Please do not idealize this as some great love story of two long lost lovers who will someday reunite and live happily ever after. 

Life does not work that way.

He wanted out, but didn't know how to tell you so fed you this story, which is all it is imo, a story.  To ease the blow.

I'm sorry this happened and I'm sorry you're hurting.  I truly am, been there, done that, we all have. 

Be patient with yourself, time does heal, I promise you. 

Hugs.

 

I dont think he was truly emotionally available all that time though. Slowly more stuff started happening. His stepfather died on the same day as his gpa last year and his mother is now in rehab. Tbh hes just responsible for so many people in his work and personal life that I think he couldnt put as much time into us as he used to. 

I get what youre saying, its tough. He was saying also how before me he was in a long term relationship too (which i knew but it was high school). I actually spoke to her a while back and she said that his emotionally unavaialbility issues were the reason for their breakup too, in a different way though. So like he truly has never taken the individual time to work on himself so that he could be truly give all of him in a relationship. I asked him why he didnt take more time between the realtionships, and he said that he just couldnt help falling in love.

The first year of our relationship was like a movie, it was crazy. Then as more stuff happened in his life, I think he slowly started wanting to deal with things alone, as that is all hes ever done. I dont idealize that first year, because the second year was more a real relationship. But rn hes in his couple months off of work. So i think for him , this is the time when he wants to feel free of any responsabilities. And the guilt of not being able to give himself fully to me because he was incomplete as a person weighed so much on him. Idk

[poppyfields]

[Deleted]

Good luck moving forward OP.

Edited January 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, preciousgaucho said:

He just didn't handle emotions well, whether they were his, mine, or others. 

Meaning what, exactly?

Can you be specific? What did he say or do?

[preciousgaucho]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Meaning what, exactly?

Can you be specific? What did he say or do?

Totally. He did not handle both his emotions nor other emotions. For example, if anyone, whether that was me, his mom, his sister, etc., would express anything negative emotionally (i feel anxious, his mom is extremely unstable...other examples...) it almost felt like too much. Like instead of being able to talk about our emotions with him, or him being able to express how certain things make him feel (his uncle dying, his mom going through what she is, feeling overwhelmed with life) he would just deal with it himsef. He had a hard time expressing how anything was making him feel, as growing up he really did have to take care of himself: his dad is deaf, parents got divorced, mom started drinking. he has always had so much responability for everyone else that he never learned how to share how things were making him feel. The week before we broke up I had a very bad week personally (anxiety, pandemic stuff) and I think that made him realize that he couldn't be there emotionally like he should be as a boyfriend. And that made him think "why cant i be there for her which obviously made him feel guilty. So yeah, essentially now hes going to therapy to hopefully learn to express his emotions and accept negative emotions in ways that don't make him feel overwhelmed or burdened I guess, idk. Like i said, in a perfect world like he could give me all I deserve while fixing himself, but I think its gone past that point idk. 

[preciousgaucho]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

[Deleted]

Good luck moving forward OP.

What were you going to say? What does OP mean lol

[Minneloa]

OP means original poster.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, preciousgaucho said:

Then again, he said oh yeah maybe well reconnect in like 10 years. I said 10 years..yeah right pal. lol

He actually said that? You laughed but he was not joking. Maybe we'll reconnect in 10 years means 'good bye'.

[preciousgaucho]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He actually said that? You laughed but he was not joking. Maybe we'll reconnect in 10 years means 'good bye'.

Yeah he said maybe 10 years, 5 years, 9 months, who knows. I laughed because I thought you think I'm gonna be single in 10 years? Lol. Yeah. Sucks. I think I've realized that maybe its okay right now for me to think that "if it was meant to me, we'll come back to each other better than ever." The more time that passes, the farther away I get from it, maybe one day soon I'll get to a point where thats no longer what I want. I do wish though I could think that now, scream those breakup songs, say f him we werent good for each other anyways. I think media makes it seem like thats how breakups are most of the time. But I have no anger towards him, nor any real like sense of longing atm because although I miss him, I know he has stuff to work on. Hopefully one day though I'll get some distance from it knowing that one, I am fine without him and no longer have to pour so much energy into a relationship and can instead pour that energy into bettering me and two, that his healing might not lead him back to me. And if it does, great. And it it doesnt, then thats meant to be. 

I think right now its easy for me to think like that because im still trying to fix us and hope that hell change for me, just like I did when dating. Maybe when I meet him to drop off his stuff a couple months from now I'll see that he really hasn't changed, and I can fully think of the chapter of me and him as something just in the past, rather hope for the future. But maybe we will. Cant live thinking like that tho. 

Thank you for your responses. Talking about it helps a lot. 

[ExpatInItaly]

When you say he dealt with negative emotions by himself, do you mean he would stop communicating with you? Ignore your calls or messages? Give you one-word answers? Go silent for hours or a day? 

You keep repeating that he didn’t handle emotions well and would shut down, but I still don’t have a clear idea of what exactly he did. It’s hard to get a real sense on what the problems were if you’re vague or can’t identity the specific behaviours you’re alluding to. 

[preciousgaucho]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

When you say he dealt with negative emotions by himself, do you mean he would stop communicating with you? Ignore your calls or messages? Give you one-word answers? Go silent for hours or a day? 

You keep repeating that he didn’t handle emotions well and would shut down, but I still don’t have a clear idea of what exactly he did. It’s hard to get a real sense on what the problems were if you’re vague or can’t identity the specific behaviours you’re alluding to. 

Like if I was having a bad week and told me, he wouldn't want to call or text as much. He would get distant even though I was reaching out. If his mom was having a hard time emotionally, he would not want to call her. He would get distant, which depending on the situation could mean delayed messages. Because hes been through so much and is respinsible for so much, when others would push closer for emotional comfort, he would feel uncomfortable with that and push himself farther away from what was causing him stress and emotional tension. 

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

 He just didn't handle emotions well, whether they were his, mine, or others. It is because his job requires him to put aside negative emotions instead of dealing with them.

Then he should have quit the job. not  his relationship.  He ended things because for him the relationship ran it's course

Let yourself cry.  You say you haven't cried yet.  That's because you haven't fully embraced that it's over.  Once you do, the tears will be cathartic & symbolic.  Part of washing away the old. 

[preciousgaucho]

21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Then he should have quit the job. not  his relationship.  He ended things because for him the relationship ran it's course

Let yourself cry.  You say you haven't cried yet.  That's because you haven't fully embraced that it's over.  Once you do, the tears will be cathartic & symbolic.  Part of washing away the old. 

Yeah. I was the thing in his life that he could cut out. Hopefully will cry soon...

[poppyfields]

49 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Like if I was having a bad week and told me, he wouldn't want to call or text as much. He would get distant even though I was reaching out. If his mom was having a hard time emotionally, he would not want to call her. He would get distant, which depending on the situation could mean delayed messages. Because hes been through so much and is respinsible for so much, when others would push closer for emotional comfort, he would feel uncomfortable with that and push himself farther away from what was causing him stress and emotional tension. 

He is an avoidant in the worst possible way.   I mean, he distances himself from his own mum when she's struggling emotionally?  What type of person does this? What type of son does this?  Not a very kind one, or thoughtful one.

Nevermind "oh he's been through so much, he is responsible for so much," what a load of.  He sounds completely self-absorbed; not anyone I would care to know OR be romantically involved with.

I mean ignoring his own mum at a time she needs his support the most?  I don't care what he's going through, one can't get much lower than that imo, we're talking bottom of the barrel here.

I am appalled that you are defending him quite frankly, or worse feeling badly for him.

But it's your life.  All the best.

 

Edited January 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[preciousgaucho]

45 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

He is an avoidant in the worst possible way.   I mean, he distances himself from his own mum when she's struggling emotionally?  What type of person does this? What type of son does this?  Not a very kind one, or thoughtful one.

Nevermind "oh he's been through so much, he is responsible for so much," what a load of.  He sounds completely self-absorbed; not anyone I would care to know OR be romantically involved with.

I mean ignoring his own mum at a time she needs his support the most?  I don't care what he's going through, one can't get much lower than that imo, we're talking bottom of the barrel here.

I am appalled that you are defending him quite frankly, or worse feeling badly for him.

But it's your life.  All the best.

 

Okay, yeah. These comments aren't very helpful because you don't know the full situation, and are instead being judgemental! I definitely don't have to defend him to uou, but know you can't know anyones full story off of a freaking forum. His mother was never there in his whole life for him and was incredibly emotionally abusive. She is now getting treatment for acholism. And he has never dealt with how that made him feel growing up. Therefore, although he still is there for her, its a lot for him because he has to be both responsible for her, her emotions, and happiness while simulatenously being in pain. ANyways, do not respond to this because your previous message was incredibly judgemental. 

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Okay, yeah. These comments aren't very helpful because you don't know the full situation, and are instead being judgemental! I definitely don't have to defend him to uou, but know you can't know anyones full story off of a freaking forum. His mother was never there in his whole life for him and was incredibly emotionally abusive. She is now getting treatment for acholism. And he has never dealt with how that made him feel growing up. Therefore, although he still is there for her, its a lot for him because he has to be both responsible for her, her emotions, and happiness while simulatenously being in pain. ANyways, do not respond to this because your previous message was incredibly judgemental. 

Thanks for clarifying but given you did not post any of that, I took your post at face value and responded.

Yes my comment was quite judgy, I will own that.  But again because you did not provide any context, it was warranted imo.  When posting on these types of forums it's real important to provide context, otherwise you will receive comments like mine, and perhaps some others.

I will refrain from further commenting and wish you the best.

Edited January 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

If his mom was an alcoholic & that is part of why he's emotionally screwed up now, he can fix that by going to ALCOA -- it's a support group for adults whose parents were alcoholics.  He can attend that group AND date.  He has control over how he reacts.  He broke up with you because he wanted to.  Every other reason or justification is an excuse. 

You need to accept the end to move forward. 

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

its a lot for him because he has to be both responsible for her, her emotions, and happiness while simulatenously being in pain.

Can you explain how he's responsible for her, her emotions and happiness? This sounds highly dysfunctional.

He has sibblings? Father?

[Lotsgoingon]

And OP, making yourself "emotionally available" is not some simple task. There are people who never make themselves emotionally available in their lifetime. 

You saying he would be great if he were emotionally available is like me saying, I would feel better about my fitness if I ran two marathons next week. 

Getting over abusive in your growing up is huge work. Could take decades or again, might not ever occur.