Breaking up when you still love each other

[preciousgaucho]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Can you explain how he's responsible for her, her emotions and happiness? This sounds highly dysfunctional.

He has sibblings? Father?

His parents are divorced and father is deaf and wasn't always there emotionally for him. He hasn't spoken to his twin sister in over a year either. 

He definitely isn't necessarily responsible for her, as she's a grown woman. But he is her main source of emotional support. I suppose its a bit complicated to explain over a forum but it definitely is very unhealthy. 

Idk. Obviously he chose not to be with me but he for sure has a lot on his plate and the weird dilemma of like having to be there for people that weren't really there for him. Its almost like he was so emotionally indpendent that he brushed past any negative emotions, and I was too emotionally dependnet considering everything he has going on. 

[preciousgaucho]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

If his mom was an alcoholic & that is part of why he's emotionally screwed up now, he can fix that by going to ALCOA -- it's a support group for adults whose parents were alcoholics.  He can attend that group AND date.  He has control over how he reacts.  He broke up with you because he wanted to.  Every other reason or justification is an excuse.  

You need to accept the end to move forward. 

Totally. Yeah. I hope he goes go to that, along with therapy. He could do both, but I feel like because he has finally decided to deal with this stuff, he felt guilty that he could not be there like a boyfriend should. But youre right. Regardless of his situation he was okay with letting me go. I think the weight of not being there like he knew he should became so much for him, which is crazy. I hope I accept at some point that he did want to, and he didn't break up me because he had to, because he just made it seem that like he knew he couldn't be there, and even though he wanted to, he felt incomplete as a person, and needs to deal with that before being able to take care of me. 

[preciousgaucho]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

And OP, making yourself "emotionally available" is not some simple task. There are people who never make themselves emotionally available in their lifetime. 

You saying he would be great if he were emotionally available is like me saying, I would feel better about my fitness if I ran two marathons next week. 

Getting over abusive in your growing up is huge work. Could take decades or again, might not ever occur. 

 

Thats a really good point. In my mind, things are linear. Like oh, he gets therapy, he doesn't date, he deals with his s***, then ill be better and more independent, and then we'll be better together. But you're right. His therapy and recovery might take so long. And even when he does start dating, he probably wont be fully available. That's an extremely hard pill to swallow though. I think it brings me comfort and like feeds into the fantasy of it all, like oh we'll work on ourselves and then be better. But that's not how things work all the time. Maybe, but probaly not. 

Gosh I really do miss him though. I just know that once he even starts opening up more and becomes more available, that he's going to be an even better man. ANd i want to get the fruits of that cause he's already pretty dang awesome. 

[preciousgaucho]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks for clarifying but given you did not post any of that, I took your post at face value and responded.

Yes my comment was quite judgy, I will own that.  But again because you did not provide any context, it was warranted imo.  When posting on these types of forums it's real important to provide context, otherwise you will receive comments like mine, and perhaps some others.

I will refrain from further commenting and wish you the best.

I dont mind you commenting but yeah, its just hard to include our 2 year love history and his background. I get that that can lead to judgement, but thats why others are asking questions if they don't know.  

[Gaeta]

It's normal you have not cried yet, you have not processed it all, and l think our brain does that as some type of protection. The night my ex and l broke up l posted my story on here and did not cry at all, l was numb, it took a couple of days for me to cry, then l couldn't stop for days. All this is normal, it's hard, but the good news is it passes. Hangning on is normal too, it's part of the process and that process takes time.

[preciousgaucho]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's normal you have not cried yet, you have not processed it all, and l think our brain does that as some type of protection. The night my ex and l broke up l posted my story on here and did not cry at all, l was numb, it took a couple of days for me to cry, then l couldn't stop for days. All this is normal, it's hard, but the good news is it passes. Hangning on is normal too, it's part of the process and that process takes time.

Thank you. Hopefully not too much time  

[preciousgaucho]

Its hard too. I just found out he has been texting my brother because they were so close. Like brothers! He was a part of our family. And its hard that there is no bad blood, no anger, just sadness. I wish i could say that we could both work on our own stuff and then come back togeteher. In theory it could. Its just hard. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

Okay, yeah. These comments aren't very helpful because you don't know the full situation, and are instead being judgemental! 

Agree. No one knows the whole story. And no one can diagnose anyone with trending labels.

However, some people need to quietly reflect and process, rather than jump into every drama asap with flurries of communication.

Talking helps a lot of people. But so does quiet reflection and processing one's feelings and thoughts first.

The bottom line is that he wants space.

[preciousgaucho]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. No one knows the whole story. And no one can diagnose anyone with trending labels.

However, some people need to quietly reflect and process, rather than jump into every drama asap with flurries of communication.

Talking helps a lot of people. But so does quiet reflection and processing one's feelings and thoughts first.

The bottom line is that he wants space.

Thank you, I appreciate that. As a fireman that is exactly how he has always processed things like that, taking space to think, etc. 

The hard part is that we are in a very weird situation where I really do think a break was for the best, as he was overly indpenedent in that he didn't handle emotions well and became distant and I was overly dependent, so we need to both work on ourselves. But I wish I could lean on the fact that we will find our way back. 

I just found out last night he is texting my brother, who knows if thats good or bad. They were really close and its hard on my brother because hes so young and got attached. But I think that also shows how much my ex cares about not just me for our family. I know space is the best right now, as its not like hes gonna fix his problems in a month even, but I want to hope that maybe in a couple months we can be even better because there still is so much love. 

Its only been a couple days so I think Im just clinging to that because I try to avoid the uncertainity. I really am gonna do me. Graduating college this year, applying to grad schools, all big decisions that its almost good Ill make them just for me. Maybe Ill get to a point where I'll feel like I can be just as happy without him. But even then, I know if he fixes his stufff, hed make me even happier. 

I know its silly. But, like you said, space and time for now. Thats all I can control. One day at a time doing me. EVen though I think about him all day. Its crazy. 

Everything happens for a reason. I think I hope for the future of us because the present just sucks lol

[poppyfields]

19 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

I dont mind you commenting but yeah, its just hard to include our 2 year love history and his background. I get that that can lead to judgement, but thats why others are asking questions if they don't know.  

You're right, I apologize. I am also in an emotionally bad place right now, long story and should not have assumed. 

And sensitive about my own mom because I wasn't there for her when she needed me, and now she's gone.  Similar reasons as your boyfriend.

So in judging him, I was actually judging myself. 

Time and space are your friends here.  One can never predict what the outcome will be, we can only prepare ourselves for whatever happens and know we will be okay no matter what.

Stronger, wiser for the experience.

 

Edited January 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[preciousgaucho]

59 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You're right, I apologize. I am also in an emotionally bad place right now, long story and should not have assumed. 

And sensitive about my own mom because I wasn't there for her when she needed me, and now she's gone.  Similar reasons as your boyfriend.

So in judging him, I was actually judging myself. 

Time and space are your friends here.  One can never predict what the outcome will be, we can only prepare ourselves for whatever happens and know we will be okay no matter what.

Stronger, wiser for the experience.

 

Totally, I understand how that could have been triggering and apologize that you've gone through that. 

Time and space are friends. His sister keeps texting me how much he loves me and my family so i left her on read. 

I'm just having a lot of trouble accepting the finality of it all. Like, in my head I know its for the best right now. Key word right now. We both need to grow and learn. But it's hard for me to accept that this might be final forever. That it's not just for right now. And that's hard. That's why I feel like I'm numb. Like I'm not in denial that we are broken up right now, but I am in denial that it could be permamenet and that our growth would not lead us back to each other. My therapist was saying that me thinking like that is me trying to control the situation which brings me comfort. 

It's hard not to go in circles thinking about that. Like all I want to do is ask him if there's hope for a later future. Or ask is sister like if he loves me and my family so much, wouldn't his journey to self healing bring him back? I won't text him of course. Like I've been thinking about him asking for his stuff back in the near future and that's going to suck. My head accepts that that is a true signal to the end, but I don't think my heart can. I guess, like you said, it's time and space. But thinking that this is permanenet just feels so confusing and weird because of how much love we do share. 

I guess his sister also did say he will always love you. Which is like that cheesy thing exs feel. Not like an oh maybe one day soon you two can reunite. Thinking like that makes it worse and I almost wish he would let me down in a way that makes there be so hope. But maybe he doesnt know that either...

[Watercolors]

4 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

Its only been a couple days so I think Im just clinging to that because I try to avoid the uncertainity. I really am gonna do me. Graduating college this year, applying to grad schools, all big decisions that its almost good Ill make them just for me. Maybe Ill get to a point where I'll feel like I can be just as happy without him. But even then, I know if he fixes his stufff, hed make me even happier. 

I know its silly. But, like you said, space and time for now. Thats all I can control. One day at a time doing me. EVen though I think about him all day. Its crazy. 

Everything happens for a reason. I think I hope for the future of us because the present just sucks lol

It's time for you to stop clinging to the past, and cling to hope that he will come back to you in the future. That's your fear rationalizing the breakup, which is why you don't believe it's really happened and why you haven't really grieved yet. 

Two days post-breakup, I think you are in still deep into denial, which is pretty normal. But if your denial lingers, and interferes with every area of your life after a week or two, then you need to examine why you allow your relationships to take over 100% of your life. Dwelling on the past, and having a false sense of hope about the future will not help you move on. 

You need to let him go. And you need to focus on yourself and moving forward. That's easier said than done of course, but it's really the healthiest action that you can take right now. You're only hurting yourself in the long run, if you hold out hope that he will come back to you like, as soon as next week. 

Avoiding the uncertainty of your future by holding out false hope with your ex, is not a healthy way to cope with your breakup. You already know that, though. The whole point of change IS uncertainty. Change requires having the courage to take risks. Even if the risks are something like, letting go of a past relationship so that you are healed and ready for the next guy you meet. And you will meet other guys who you have a lot in common with. But only if you let go of your ex-boyfriend. 

 

[preciousgaucho]

54 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

It's time for you to stop clinging to the past, and cling to hope that he will come back to you in the future. That's your fear rationalizing the breakup, which is why you don't believe it's really happened and why you haven't really grieved yet. 

Two days post-breakup, I think you are in still deep into denial, which is pretty normal. But if your denial lingers, and interferes with every area of your life after a week or two, then you need to examine why you allow your relationships to take over 100% of your life. Dwelling on the past, and having a false sense of hope about the future will not help you move on. 

You need to let him go. And you need to focus on yourself and moving forward. That's easier said than done of course, but it's really the healthiest action that you can take right now. You're only hurting yourself in the long run, if you hold out hope that he will come back to you like, as soon as next week. 

Avoiding the uncertainty of your future by holding out false hope with your ex, is not a healthy way to cope with your breakup. You already know that, though. The whole point of change IS uncertainty. Change requires having the courage to take risks. Even if the risks are something like, letting go of a past relationship so that you are healed and ready for the next guy you meet. And you will meet other guys who you have a lot in common with. But only if you let go of your ex-boyfriend. 

 

Yeah, you're right it is scary. I guess it just takes time. It really is harder too because I wish like it wasnt left so ambiguous. Like there's just so much love still. We just have different things we need to work on and its hard not to think that we couldn't reconcile. I will keep moving forward and focusing on me but its just hard to not think about how perfect that all would be and I wish he would either shoot it down or say something but I guess thats cause he doesnt know. 

I get what youre saying and I think time will show me that I am moving forward and that Im still okay...

[preciousgaucho]

48 minutes ago, Mike A Woods said:

It is sad. Take a step towards each other

God, I hope we do. But he has to want that too. I can work on myself and I really want to do that in the hope that we'll reconcile, but at the end of the day that's what he has to want too. ANd in my head its like who wouldnt want that because we still love each other. Just sucks. 

[Watercolors]

10 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

but its just hard to not think about how perfect that all would be and I wish he would either shoot it down or say something but I guess thats cause he doesnt know. 

I get what youre saying and I think time will show me that I am moving forward and that Im still okay...

Right now, 48 hours post-breakup, you are still idealizing the relationship. From what you've revealed about him and your dynamics, it seems like it really wasn't as healthy of a relationship as you idealize it to be. His ex-g/f broke up with him due to his emotional aloof behavior with her -- the same behavior he exhibits with you. He will never change. Men who don't show their emotions, are the way they are. They won't change. That isn't something he can fix either. Waiting for him to fix his own personality/character, is, I'm sorry to say, naive. 

One of my siblings is exactly like that. Exactly. They have NEVER shown their emotional responses publicly...ever. You'd think they were a robot. When I asked my sibling about a mole they had removed on their face that left a 1 inch scar, their responses was one of shame, "It's not something I advertise that I had done." As if it's shameful to reveal emotional vulnerability. THAT is exactly how your ex-boyfriend is, is my guess. He views displays of emotion as shameful, or, as a sign of weakness. That belief is tied to pride and ego. People who are prideful, are very insecure and very protective of their fragile ego. They are ticking time-bombs too. 

You are only 20 years old. You need to move on from this relationship now that you and he are broken up. You have your college graduation to think about. And, you wrote that you are applying to graduate schools too, which is great. Focus on that. Focus on your friendships, on your hobbies. Focus on letting go of the false hope you have for reconciliation with him. 

You can't see it now, but you deserve to be with a guy who is 100% secure and comfortable with being emotional vulnerable with others in work and personal settings. A guy who isn't afraid to show empathy; who offers to comfort you so that you don't have to ask him (and by the way, you having to ask your ex for comfort is a HUGE red flag that he was not emotionally attached to you as you claim he was). A healthy relationship between two people is where both people are willing to offer each other help and comfort without having to ask for it. If you had a flat tire, would your ex have driven to help you? If you were stranded on the side of the road, would your ex have come to your rescue? Your ex was not the right guy for you. You can't see that now, but with time and reflection, you will see it. Hopefully. 

[preciousgaucho]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

Right now, 48 hours post-breakup, you are still idealizing the relationship. From what you've revealed about him and your dynamics, it seems like it really wasn't as healthy of a relationship as you idealize it to be. His ex-g/f broke up with him due to his emotional aloof behavior with her -- the same behavior he exhibits with you. He will never change. Men who don't show their emotions, are the way they are. They won't change. That isn't something he can fix either. Waiting for him to fix his own personality/character, is, I'm sorry to say, naive. 

One of my siblings is exactly like that. Exactly. They have NEVER shown their emotional responses publicly...ever. You'd think they were a robot. When I asked my sibling about a mole they had removed on their face that left a 1 inch scar, their responses was one of shame, "It's not something I advertise that I had done." As if it's shameful to reveal emotional vulnerability. THAT is exactly how your ex-boyfriend is, is my guess. He views displays of emotion as shameful, or, as a sign of weakness. That belief is tied to pride and ego. People who are prideful, are very insecure and very protective of their fragile ego. They are ticking time-bombs too. 

You are only 20 years old. You need to move on from this relationship now that you and he are broken up. You have your college graduation to think about. And, you wrote that you are applying to graduate schools too, which is great. Focus on that. Focus on your friendships, on your hobbies. Focus on letting go of the false hope you have for reconciliation with him. 

You can't see it now, but you deserve to be with a guy who is 100% secure and comfortable with being emotional vulnerable with others in work and personal settings. A guy who isn't afraid to show empathy; who offers to comfort you so that you don't have to ask him (and by the way, you having to ask your ex for comfort is a HUGE red flag that he was not emotionally attached to you as you claim he was). A healthy relationship between two people is where both people are willing to offer each other help and comfort without having to ask for it. If you had a flat tire, would your ex have driven to help you? If you were stranded on the side of the road, would your ex have come to your rescue? Your ex was not the right guy for you. You can't see that now, but with time and reflection, you will see it. Hopefully. 

Totally get that. Its funny, all those things you said in the end. He would have totally done those. He would still do those now. It was the things with emotions that made him uncomfortable. You're right though, he could have tried to be there. Not that I ask too much! 

When we first started dating, he was pretty vulnerable. He would tell me about his mom and how he grew up, having a deaf parent and how hard that could be, how he hasn't stopped working since becoming a fireman at 18. Then more things happened and he just slowly cut himself off from his family, pulling away from them emotionally. Like it was his way to protect himself and stay productive at his job, which is super grueling. While I agree in that he will never be someone that is completely accepting of emotions, it was always something he felt he had to do to survive almost. I truly believe therapy will allow him to explore the reasons behind this and allow him to become more comfortable in his being. 

You totally nail it in that I did try to change him for a while. It created immense conflict. Now that he's working on the exact things that caused him conflict, its hard for me not to be with that man, because in every other category he was incredible. 

So I think instead of idealizing the past, I'm almost idealizing the future, one in which he addresses the things that caused any conflict in our relationship. Because he really is awesome. 

Thank you again for your comments. I am going to focus on me and do me. Because at the end of the day, I want someone who wants me and is able to give all of him to me. I just want that to be him, ya know and I have always believed in him so much. But then again, maybe he won't end up dealing with it ..

going in circles....but thank you. Nice to just talk about whats in my mind. 

[Watercolors]

36 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

You totally nail it in that I did try to change him for a while. It created immense conflict. Now that he's working on the exact things that caused him conflict, its hard for me not to be with that man, because in every other category he was incredible. 

So I think instead of idealizing the past, I'm almost idealizing the future, one in which he addresses the things that caused any conflict in our relationship. Because he really is awesome. 

Ah, so you did try to change him to be more emotionally available to you. And you learned (the hard way) that you can't do that. You can't force someone to change to be the way you want them to be. Don't do that again, with anyone. One of life's hardest lessons to learn (and repeat, if you don't get it the first few times), is that the only person you have any control over: is you.

You don't know what he's working on, as far as self-improvement, and you are still convinced that he will come back to you, the way you want him to be. Also, you seem to still cling to false hope for a reconciliation. 

Yes, you are idealizing a future with your ex, and that is a huge mistake. Emotionally unavailable people are not awesome. But, you will either learn that the hard way or the easy way. Whatever way helps you learn that lesson. 

[preciousgaucho]

17 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Ah, so you did try to change him to be more emotionally available to you. And you learned (the hard way) that you can't do that. You can't force someone to change to be the way you want them to be. Don't do that again, with anyone. One of life's hardest lessons to learn (and repeat, if you don't get it the first few times), is that the only person you have any control over: is you.

You don't know what he's working on, as far as self-improvement, and you are still convinced that he will come back to you, the way you want him to be. Also, you seem to still cling to false hope for a reconciliation. 

Yes, you are idealizing a future with your ex, and that is a huge mistake. Emotionally unavailable people are not awesome. But, you will either learn that the hard way or the easy way. Whatever way helps you learn that lesson. 

Totally agree, and thats what Im going to cling on: that all I have is control over me and my future. I cant control him, the changes he may or may not make, or the future we may or may not have, as hard as that is to admit. Thank you for being blunt about it, I need that

[Watercolors]

5 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Totally agree, and thats what Im going to cling on: that all I have is control over me and my future. I cant control him, the changes he may or may not make, or the future we may or may not have, as hard as that is to admit. Thank you for being blunt about it, I need that

Well I am only blunt because sometimes it’s just easier. As long as you stay strong and focus on yourself and your own well-being you’ll be fine.

[preciousgaucho]

8 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Well I am only blunt because sometimes it’s just easier. As long as you stay strong and focus on yourself and your own well-being you’ll be fine.

No I appreciate it! It is easier and I would go in circles otherwise. I def will focus on myself and try to live in the present, rather than the uncertainty of the future. Hopefully

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

Yeah, you're right it is scary. I guess it just takes time. It really is harder too because I wish like it wasnt left so ambiguous. Like there's just so much love still. We just have different things we need to work on and its hard not to think that we couldn't reconcile. I will keep moving forward and focusing on me but its just hard to not think about how perfect that all would be and I wish he would either shoot it down or say something but I guess thats cause he doesnt know. 

I get what youre saying and I think time will show me that I am moving forward and that Im still okay...

To me he did not leave any ambiguity. 

He broke up, that says everything you need to know. When you brought up reconciliation to him his reaction was to reply *maybe in 10 years*, even as a joke that's not the reply of a man that plans to come back. 

I also notice you speak a lot in *we* as * we have so much love*. A good first step for you would be to drop the *we* and speak with *l*...as in * l have a lot of love for him* because like we said if he had for you the same type of love you have for him he'd be with you.

He said all those things to you during the breakup to ease your pain. What he doesn't realize is that by not being crystal clear about the breakup he's not helping you he's leaving you agonizing.

I agree with @Watercolorsthat you are idealizing a relationship that couldn't be that great if he was indeed emotionally unavaiable, therefore distant, was the sources of discords,  etc. 

And l will add this. If he is truly emotionally unavailable i'm surprised your relationship lasted 2 years, these relationships usually don't last 6 months. 

Edited January 24, 2021 by Gaeta

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, preciousgaucho said:

No I appreciate it! It is easier and I would go in circles otherwise. I def will focus on myself and try to live in the present, rather than the uncertainty of the future. Hopefully

I think you are a very strong young woman, as your responses reflect in your thread. You had two years together to find out if you truly were a great fit for each other. Turns out, you weren't. For a myriad of reasons. And that's totally ok! 

I love quotes and citing research. I won't cite any research, so I will cite some quotes for you to read and reflect on as you journey forward in your breakup. 

“Stand strong in your value. That starts by knowing your value.” ― Julieanne O'Connor, SPELLING IT OUT FOR YOUR CAREER

“We fall back into the past, we jump ahead into the future, and in this we lose our entire lives.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh

Know your value as a person who is about to graduate from college and either attend grad school or work in your first real job. And, with your relationships. Know your value. Do not give yourself away to the guy emotionally so quickly next time. Make him work for it. That is to say, stay "you," and stay separate from "him." Don't "like" everything he likes, because he likes it. Like something because you like it, even if he doesn't. 

And, don't waste the next few weeks/months of your life pining for "a future" with your ex-boyfriend or you'll lose all of that time you could have devoted to someone else or something else meaningful. Decide what you want and plan out the path towards that goal. The next guy you meet, decide first if he has anything to offer you. Don't give away your power next time. Don't place yourself second. Make yourself the priority yet know how to compromise or concede where it counts. And...don't try to change him to suit your own needs. Accept him for who he is, and then decide if that's what you want. If it isn't, it's perfectly fine to say "no," and end things. If it is, say "yes," and stay independent and don't give away your power (don't put his needs first: always put your needs first). 

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

To me he did not leave any ambiguity. 

He broke up, that says everything you need to know. When you brought up reconciliation to him his reaction was to reply *maybe in 10 years*, even as a joke that's not the reply of a man that plans to come back. 

I also notice you speak a lot in *we* as * we have so much love*. A good first step for you would be to drop the *we* and speak with *l*...as in * l have a lot of love for him* because like we said if he had for you the same type of love you have for him he'd be with you.

He said all those things to you during the breakup to ease your pain. What he doesn't realize is that by not being crystal clear about the breakup he's not helping you he's leaving you agonizing.

I agree with @Watercolorsthat you are idealizing a relationship that couldn't be that great if he was indeed emotionally unavaiable, therefore distant, was the sources of discords,  etc. 

And l will add this. If he is truly emotionally unavailable i'm surprised your relationship lasted 2 years, these relationships usually don't last 6 months. 

I agree with Gaeta. He did a lousy job clarifying to you that the breakup is permanent, by placating your feelings with false hope that you eagerly accepted as the truth, which it is not. Shame on him for doing that to you, because it leaves you hanging, wanting to know when he will be done with his "inner work," so that you can resume your relationship with him. But, that's not the reality. He is 22 years old, and he was not crystal clear about the breakup with you, in order to spare your feelings, and ease your pain. While that was nice of him to do, it wasn't really truthful. Breakups are nevery easy, and it's up to the person ending the relationship to be honest. Otherwise, they breadcrumb (stay in contact randomly reaching out) and create false hope with platitudes ("I'll always love you..." and "maybe we'll see in 10 years...").

I had that done to me with an ex-boyfriend who was 38. We broke up a few times and got back together a few times. The last time we got back together, I asked him if we were going to stay together and he promised me we would. But...he broke up with me the next day and treated me like I was an acquaintance who had spent the night, dismissing my feelings and the relationship we had. He didn't respect my feelings or tell me the truth. Like you I'd had false hope b/c he was never honest with me and only told me things to soothe my feelings. I wish he'd been cruel and told me the truth, because it would have saved me weeks of agonizing over him. Just like your boyfriend wasn't completely honest with you, because you still think there is a chance for you two to reconcile, when really, there isn't.   

[preciousgaucho]

26 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I think you are a very strong young woman, as your responses reflect in your thread. You had two years together to find out if you truly were a great fit for each other. Turns out, you weren't. For a myriad of reasons. And that's totally ok! 

I love quotes and citing research. I won't cite any research, so I will cite some quotes for you to read and reflect on as you journey forward in your breakup. 

“Stand strong in your value. That starts by knowing your value.” ― Julieanne O'Connor, SPELLING IT OUT FOR YOUR CAREER

“We fall back into the past, we jump ahead into the future, and in this we lose our entire lives.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh

Know your value as a person who is about to graduate from college and either attend grad school or work in your first real job. And, with your relationships. Know your value. Do not give yourself away to the guy emotionally so quickly next time. Make him work for it. That is to say, stay "you," and stay separate from "him." Don't "like" everything he likes, because he likes it. Like something because you like it, even if he doesn't. 

And, don't waste the next few weeks/months of your life pining for "a future" with your ex-boyfriend or you'll lose all of that time you could have devoted to someone else or something else meaningful. Decide what you want and plan out the path towards that goal. The next guy you meet, decide first if he has anything to offer you. Don't give away your power next time. Don't place yourself second. Make yourself the priority yet know how to compromise or concede where it counts. And...don't try to change him to suit your own needs. Accept him for who he is, and then decide if that's what you want. If it isn't, it's perfectly fine to say "no," and end things. If it is, say "yes," and stay independent and don't give away your power (don't put his needs first: always put your needs first). 

I agree with Gaeta. He did a lousy job clarifying to you that the breakup is permanent, by placating your feelings with false hope that you eagerly accepted as the truth, which it is not. Shame on him for doing that to you, because it leaves you hanging, wanting to know when he will be done with his "inner work," so that you can resume your relationship with him. But, that's not the reality. He is 22 years old, and he was not crystal clear about the breakup with you, in order to spare your feelings, and ease your pain. While that was nice of him to do, it wasn't really truthful. Breakups are nevery easy, and it's up to the person ending the relationship to be honest. Otherwise, they breadcrumb (stay in contact randomly reaching out) and create false hope with platitudes ("I'll always love you..." and "maybe we'll see in 10 years...").

I had that done to me with an ex-boyfriend who was 38. We broke up a few times and got back together a few times. The last time we got back together, I asked him if we were going to stay together and he promised me we would. But...he broke up with me the next day and treated me like I was an acquaintance who had spent the night, dismissing my feelings and the relationship we had. He didn't respect my feelings or tell me the truth. Like you I'd had false hope b/c he was never honest with me and only told me things to soothe my feelings. I wish he'd been cruel and told me the truth, because it would have saved me weeks of agonizing over him. Just like your boyfriend wasn't completely honest with you, because you still think there is a chance for you two to reconcile, when really, there isn't.   

Thank you. I appreciate all the quotes and advice. It's just so weird being alone again after two years and being a completely different person than the last time I was single. He truly was my everything, and I think it was just about the sacrifices necessary for our relationship whether for his work, his comfort in his days off work. I did it all so happily because I love him so much and knew how good a man he was. But I shouldn't have had to make those sacifices if he wasn't going to make them back. Having a harder night tonight with processing it all cause after a day like this not doing a lot he really just would know just what to say, or would just listen and make me smile. I'll leave it that. I appreciate yoir responses. It makes me feel less alone.

[preciousgaucho]

58 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

To me he did not leave any ambiguity. 

He broke up, that says everything you need to know. When you brought up reconciliation to him his reaction was to reply *maybe in 10 years*, even as a joke that's not the reply of a man that plans to come back. 

I also notice you speak a lot in *we* as * we have so much love*. A good first step for you would be to drop the *we* and speak with *l*...as in * l have a lot of love for him* because like we said if he had for you the same type of love you have for him he'd be with you.

He said all those things to you during the breakup to ease your pain. What he doesn't realize is that by not being crystal clear about the breakup he's not helping you he's leaving you agonizing.

I agree with @Watercolorsthat you are idealizing a relationship that couldn't be that great if he was indeed emotionally unavaiable, therefore distant, was the sources of discords,  etc. 

And l will add this. If he is truly emotionally unavailable i'm surprised your relationship lasted 2 years, these relationships usually don't last 6 months. 

Yeah. It just got worse over time. The first year was incredible and we told each other everything. Then his stepfather died and his mom fell back into addiction, and he got promoted to a much more difficult job. And then he just started dealing with things privately, and distancing himself from anything that would cause him stress and possibly inhibit his focus at work. It was hard. He is so generous and selfish at the same time. Anyways, youre right. It's just really really sucky to think that thats not my person. I get what youre saying I do. I just really do love him so much, with all his damn imperfections. And in my head it really is just easier to think that hes fixing himself to come back, then to accept that we really might not be together ever again. That even when hes working on himself, he wont want me. That this distance wont make him miss me. That sucks. So bad. 

[Watercolors]

8 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Yeah. It just got worse over time. The first year was incredible and we told each other everything. Then his stepfather died and his mom fell back into addiction, and he got promoted to a much more difficult job. And then he just started dealing with things privately, and distancing himself from anything that would cause him stress and possibly inhibit his focus at work. It was hard. He is so generous and selfish at the same time. Anyways, youre right. It's just really really sucky to think that thats not my person. I get what youre saying I do. I just really do love him so much, with all his damn imperfections. And in my head it really is just easier to think that hes fixing himself to come back, then to accept that we really might not be together ever again. That even when hes working on himself, he wont want me. That this distance wont make him miss me. That sucks. So bad. 

I get it. I do. But you need to stop giving away your power. Instead of “he won’t want me” (that’s giving away your value, b/c you assign your value to an external source - him - instead of internally to yourself), reframe your thinking to “I don’t want him, as much as I cared about him, b/c he was selfish and I put my needs and wants second to his, and I deserve better.” 

Look, his familial strife does not take precedence over your life’s struggles and conflicts, yet that’s where the imbalance took place isn’t it? You set aside everything you were going through to be there for him. That is not an equally balanced relationship. Not by a long shot. You put yourself second for him...all the time. Imperfections? More like, character flaws and dysfunctional behavior. Imperfection is something like he has a hairline. His selfish behavior and prioritizing himself and his job promotion over his time with you, is not an imperfection; it’s a major character flaw and is selfish, which is a dysfunctional behavior.

You were not a priority in this 2-year relationship. If you had been a priority to him, he would have weathered his job promotion, the death of his step father, and his mother’s addiction, with more maturity by making sure to balance his life so that he could prioritize you in there. But he chose not to prioritize you. Let that sink in. Someone who loves you, prioritizes you through the worst of the worst.