Wildflower201 Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 (edited) We are back "together". He made life a living hell until we were. I didn't realize that was actually what he wanted until very recently. Our baby is 2 weeks old. He is a completely different man to me and father because we are together again. His wife posted a video today wearing her ring and she hadn't worn it in a really really long time. It made me angry. It made me really not want to do this again. It made me remember who he is. I'm kind of frozen. Help. All of a sudden I'm depressed and crying and I hate him. Our 3 year old won't stop crying and the baby wants to be held and he is somewhere trying to convince his wife that he doesn’t have anything to do with me or our kids. We were talking about an alternative path. Him having two families. Now the thought makes my chest hurt. I feel so sick. Edited January 22, 2021 by Wildflower201 Added info. Link to post Share on other sites
Nats_16 Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 Consider yourself lucky that you have a MM that is being honest with you and telling you he wants to have the best of what both you and his wife offer him. The choice is ultimately down to you as to whether you are happy to settle for giving all of you and having half of him? I wish you all the best x Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 8 hours ago, Wildflower201 said: I feel so sick. I feel so sick for your kids... Abused women can make their own decisions and decide to stay if they want. but when kids are involved then there needs to be some responsibility taken for the kids. Unhappy, depressed, crying mothers have a huge effect on their kids. Your two week old is already being damaged and as for the three year old, their life should be full of fun and frolic , they should not have to witness their mother in full grief mode... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 I feel sick for your kids too. And for his wife. You are talking about an alternative path, where he has two families. That horribly unfair to her. You may have chosen this for yourself, but she did not. Get some help. Your children are at risk because you are not in a good place. For goodness sake, get yourself some help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 For goodness sakes stop looking online at what his wife is doing. It is destroying and upsetting you when you have kids to take care of. Put all of your attention on the kids. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 To put it simply, you are back in your addiction. And the cycle of abuse continues, albeit in a different way for your children. Please seek help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 6 hours ago, Nats_16 said: Consider yourself lucky that you have a MM that is being honest with you and telling you he wants to have the best of what both you and his wife offer him. The choice is ultimately down to you as to whether you are happy to settle for giving all of you and having half of him? I wish you all the best x I'm not happy. He would have me believe that I have more than half of him, but no. I'm not happy. Coping, not happy. 5 hours ago, elaine567 said: I feel so sick for your kids... Abused women can make their own decisions and decide to stay if they want. but when kids are involved then there needs to be some responsibility taken for the kids. Unhappy, depressed, crying mothers have a huge effect on their kids. Your two week old is already being damaged and as for the three year old, their life should be full of fun and frolic , they should not have to witness their mother in full grief mode... Before we were back together, he was threatening to take them, giving the bare minimum for them, refusing to even video chat them, etc. He has done better as far as the kids are considered since we have been back together. It's just now seeing how low the reality of this brought me that I feel the kids may not be a little better off. 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: I feel sick for your kids too. And for his wife. You are talking about an alternative path, where he has two families. That horribly unfair to her. You may have chosen this for yourself, but she did not. Get some help. Your children are at risk because you are not in a good place. For goodness sake, get yourself some help. Feeling sick for the kids, yes. His wife, no. His wife has known about me the entire time. When he and I were together legitimately, she forced herself into the picture. She didn't care that we were together, and she didn't care about him being faithful to me. Every time he attempted to sever ties with her, she would show up at family gatherings knowing that he was trying to move on with me. She knows about the new baby, and has tried to forbid him from seeing them. At this point, she is continuing knowing how and who he really is and knowing that he is going to cheat...and that he has two children with me and that every single time he comes back. 2 hours ago, stillafool said: For goodness sakes stop looking online at what his wife is doing. It is destroying and upsetting you when you have kids to take care of. Put all of your attention on the kids. Yea, I was thinking about just staying off of social media entirely because it affected me way more than I thought it would. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, Wildflower201 said: We are back "together". He made life a living hell until we were I'm sorry I just don't buy this. This man has done everything possible to abuse you including rape. There are laws on the books that would have made sure he was no longer involved with you including restraining orders. You two are back together because you wanted to still be with him. 31 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said: His wife has known about me the entire time. When he and I were together legitimately, she forced herself into the picture. His wife feels she owes you nothing because you did the same thing to her first. She probably would feel it's rich that you feel this way considering. Edited January 22, 2021 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, stillafool said: I'm sorry I just don't buy this. This man has done everything possible to abuse you including rape. There are laws on the books that would have made sure he was no longer involved with you including restraining orders. You two are back together because you wanted to still be with him. His wife feels she owes you nothing because you did the same thing to her first. She probably would feel it's rich that you feel this way considering. Oh, I'm not saying I don't in some way want to be with him. I'm saying he was awful and made things terrible because things weren't being done the way he wanted them done. And no....incorrect. I've known him since we were 6. We were together before they were married. I knew nothing about her until a family member told me and everyone knew they were not in a relationship. Neither of us owes the other anything. I definitely did not strike first in this. I just loved him and didn't understand. Edited January 22, 2021 by Wildflower201 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 madam, please stop letting him push you around. It's not good for you and it sure as hell isn't good for your kids. You don't have to be with him for him to be a good dad to his kids. Your kids need a mom who is 100 percent there-not one who is pining for a guy who treats her badly. If you can't break away form him for your own peace of mind, do it for your kids. What are you teaching them by staying with this guy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 2 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said: Neither of us owes the other anything. So she wasn't married to him when you were involved with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 (edited) 42 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said: Feeling sick for the kids, yes. His wife, no. His wife has known about me the entire time. When he and I were together legitimately, she forced herself into the picture. She didn't care that we were together, and she didn't care about him being faithful to me. Every time he attempted to sever ties with her, she would show up at family gatherings knowing that he was trying to move on with me. She knows about the new baby, and has tried to forbid him from seeing them. At this point, she is continuing knowing how and who he really is and knowing that he is going to cheat...and that he has two children with me and that every single time he comes back. She is not the problem here. The problem here is that this man has behaved abusively toward you, and your children. And, you continue to go back to him. There is nothing to be won here. This man is no prize, he is an abuser. You have literally been battling with his wife to “win” your abuser. The way you “win” is by walking away... Edited January 22, 2021 by BaileyB 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 2 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said: madam, please stop letting him push you around. It's not good for you and it sure as hell isn't good for your kids. You don't have to be with him for him to be a good dad to his kids. Your kids need a mom who is 100 percent there-not one who is pining for a guy who treats her badly. If you can't break away form him for your own peace of mind, do it for your kids. What are you teaching them by staying with this guy? He's done so much more to help since we have been, and....he makes this way look so much better. It's easier. I tried to say those things. I told him they deserved better, that he should do better, that it shouldn't matter what state we were in....none of that worked. It just made him angrier. I don't want to teach my boys to be like him, or that it's okay, because it isn't. Just....things are easier this way right now. I don't have the strength right now. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 What of your family wildflower? Your sister? You don’t have the strength, that’s ok. How can you find support in ways other than your abuser? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 6 minutes ago, stillafool said: So she wasn't married to him when you were involved with him? When he and I were legitimately together, no. We broke up, I heard rumors he had moved in with her weeks after, but he claimed nothing. We got back together, and he hid their marriage from me. They had a rushed marriage, supposedly. I never dealt with it properly, and he never intended to be faithful to her. There has been a long standing back and forth for literal decades. By the time she married him, she knew full well. I was the slow one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 4 minutes ago, BaileyB said: What of your family wildflower? Your sister? You don’t have the strength, that’s ok. How can you find support in ways other than your abuser? My sister's husband has covid. So the support that she planned to give has kind of fallen by the way side. My mom has started working again, so she can't really help me as much as I need. I don't want to pull on them, especially my sister, or make them feel they owe me the help. I understand circumstances change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 14 minutes ago, BaileyB said: She is not the problem here. The problem here is that this man has behaved abusively toward you, and your children. And, you continue to go back to him. There is nothing to be won here. This man is no prize, he is an abuser. You have literally been battling with his wife to “win” your abuser. The way you “win” is by walking away... I felt that before, like it was a competition. Who can stay through all the pain the longest...but I'd already been there longer and I get really tired now. He says he wants to be different, and he really has been trying to help. And I know hiw cliche it is, believing that people who enjoy abused you can change...but couldn't I just leave if it proves to be untrue? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 1 minute ago, Wildflower201 said: My sister's husband has covid. So the support that she planned to give has kind of fallen by the way side. My mom has started working again, so she can't really help me as much as I need. I don't want to pull on them, especially my sister, or make them feel they owe me the help. I understand circumstances change. Your abuser is the better option? You don’t want to pull on them, make them feel like they owe you... so, you will enlist the assistance of your abuser and expose your children to this dysfunction instead. Have your sister and her husband not previously promised to help you in any way, in an attempt to get you to end all contact with this man? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said: And I know hiw cliche it is, believing that people who enjoy abused you can change...but couldn't I just leave if it proves to be untrue? Abusive men don’t change. He has no incentive to change - he has everything that the way he wants it right now... The very fact that you continue to believe this enables him. You keep the hope, you have the belief that he could change...and that’s what gives him access to continue to abuse. Sure, he’s being kind an helpful right now...but, he abused you a few weeks ago (he was threatening to take them, giving the bare minimum for them, I told him they deserved better, that he should do better, it just made him angrier). And, he will abuse you again when the opportunity arises. How many years of your life have you spent suffering - with the hope that he would change? How many more years are you prepared to suffer? And, how much damage are YOU going to inflict on your children, by allowing your/their abuser into your home? Edited January 22, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 (edited) Yes, they have. He isn't working, and they are having to deal with extra expenses due to his illness. He continually offers his assistance and asks what is needed and does it. I haven't had to do the things I did before to "convince" him that he should help. Edited January 22, 2021 by Wildflower201 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 5 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Abusive men don’t change. He has no incentive to change - he has everything that the way he wants it right now... The very fact that you continue to believe this enables him. You keep the hope, you have the belief that he could change...and that’s what gives him access to continue to abuse. How many years of your life have you spent suffering - with the hope that he would change? How many more years are you prepared to suffer? And, how much damage are YOU going to inflict on your children, by allowing your/their abuser into your home? It's been at least 7 years of painful things, hoping that he would change. If he can't sustain the different behavior, I won't be able to handle anymore pain. And I won't let him abuse the kids. They're little now, so it's easy. The older they get, the more the truth will come to the surface. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 1 minute ago, Wildflower201 said: I won't let him abuse the kids. They're little now, so it's easy. The older they get, the more the truth will come to the surface. 15 hours ago, Wildflower201 said: Our 3 year old won't stop crying It’s already happening... Wildflower, I would hug you if I could... my heart hurts for you. But, you need to get yourself some support and get your abuser out of your home. For yourself, for your children. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: It’s already happening... Wildflower, I would hug you if I could... my heart hurts for you. But, you need to get yourself some support and get your abuser out of your home. For yourself, for your children. I feel like those things are my fault, not his. I could use a hug, Bailey, thank you. It's going to take me some time to get my footing. I'm not working, I'm feeling pretty fragile, and I have emotions all over the place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted February 10, 2021 Author Share Posted February 10, 2021 Right now will be the beginning of my first 24 hours of no contact with him. I'm tired of being so sad. I'm sure part of it is post partum, but I know part of it is this situation. I can't prove it, but I always feel like he is lying. I'm tired of not deserving better. I'm not saying anything to end it, just going to disappear. My brain feels scrambled trying to convince myself of his lies, I guess, and I'm having trouble thinking clearly. I can't keep up with him switching back and forth between present and helpful and neglectful and absent. He had been better, as far as his temper and abuse (there were only a couple of threats when I did things he told me not to). But it still isn't right. I'm not happy, and I can't be a good mom when I'm like this. I try to sleep as much as possible to avoid being conscious for the majority of the day. I figure if I have to do that to cope with hurting while being with him, I can do it to cope with the pain of severing ties. So. Thank you guys for your help and advice. I know you were right and I'm appreciative for all your effort. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 11, 2021 Share Posted February 11, 2021 Please get some support for yourself. Go to your mom or your sister. Call a women’s clinic. I’m worried about you and your children. Please, talk with someone who can keep an eye on you and support you. 💕 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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