Multiple problems with husband.

[ap1975]

I am 46, my husband is 47.  Married for 8 years, together for 14. No children.  Tons of issues, I don't know where to even begin.  Infidelity (on his part only), multiple breakups prior to marriage because he did  not feel "the spark"and needed alone time.  During these alone time periods is when he would either cheat on me or try to by posting ads online on adult websites just for sex.  During one of our break ups in 2011 he lost his job due to inappropriate behavior (sexual in nature).  I do not want to get into details, but he made some inappropriate comments that ended up in him losing his job.  Two months later he asked me to move in with him. Stupid me, I did.  Two months after that he asked me to marry him.  I postponed getting married because something in my gut told me not to.  Sadly, I did not listen, and I married him after he gave me the ultimatum "we either get married or break up".  We got married just the two of us, no family, no fuss, no honeymoon.  A couple months later, because he was unemployed and was making no effort to gain employment, we had to sell his townhouse we were living in and move in with his parents for 2 years.  During these 2 years, he was offered 5 different jobs that he walked out of.  I was working full time the entire time while he slept in and worked out. Oh, and on one occasion contacted a woman on Craigslist for sex or at minimum sexting.  When I confronted him about this, he said "you don't understand how boring it is for me to be home all day."  I laughed in his face and told him to go get a job if he's that bored.  I should have left him then. Again, stupid me, I continued to stay..

I have not stopped working since I was 18 years old.  But, he could not be bothered to work apparently. He also had thousand of dollars in the bank that he had saved prior to meeting me that could have either helped us with a down payment towards a home or a rental, but he wanted to stay with his parents and not touch that money.

Fast forward to now:  I own my own business which is doing very well and I am expanding.  For years he has been encouraging me to market my business, to grow my business, hire more people, hire a bookkeeper, look at other office spaces etc.  Supportive all the way to grow the business, at times even getting angry with me to the point of argument if he felt I was not working hard enough to grow the business.

The building I am currently leasing an office space from has a third floor office suite that is large and that I have been interested in for months now (pre COVID).  Now, I am near ready to make a move to a large space.  My husband yesterday was urging me to contact the building, to get numbers on a new lease, and to even look at other spaces.  Again, continuing to encourage me to grow.

Today, literally just today, after an 11 hour day at work day, I come home to him questioning my move to a larger office space, when just yesterday it was the opposite.  He had raised his voice, and when I raised mine, because understandably I became defensive, he blamed me for making him raise his voice.  He said that all he wants is for me to be happy and that if I go into a larger space it will create more stress and I will not be happy.

I was so confused I did not know how to respond, other than with frustration and anger.  For years he was saying the opposite and now out of nowhere, he wants me to stay where I am and lose money in the process.

We argued and now are not speaking to each other.  

I should mention that we have been on the verge of divorce multiple times, and have been seeing a marriage therapist which apparently is not working.  Although we have seen him only twice.  

I am unhappy, ill at ease, anxious, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I was single and without my husband in my life I would be happier.  He is the one who makes me unhappy, no one and nothing else.  I am absolutely not physically attracted to him and really want nothing to do with him.  And yet, I feel stuck. I am afraid that if I divorce him and because I make more money than him, he would claim some of it.  He is employed now but makes about 1/3 of what I make.

Any thoughts are welcome.  I am sorry for the long post.  There is so much more to share too.

Thank you.

 

[S2B]

Why do you stay married to him when he consistently disrespects you?

you would be better off if you unloaded the deadbeat weight of the person (mooch) you’re married to.

he’s not offered you peace of mind or a way to make you feel safe and secure - without those components I would divorce anyone I’m with.

[Blind-Sided]

Honestly... Don't know why you even needed to post.  You know what needs done... you know it was a mistake.  You will be happier without him. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. You need two appointments. One with your doctor for STD and bloodborne disease testing and one with an attorney.

Once you're health is clear focus on the divorce.

[ap1975]

Thank you for your responses.  The sad thing is I have always known this was a mistake and I went ahead with it anyway.  I have completely wasted 14 years of my life with this person whom I literally cannot stand the sight of at this point.  I am also seeing a therapist on my own to help me figure out why I made this choice that has cost me so dearly.  

Do any of you know if a man can request spousal maintenance if his wife makes more money?  I own my own business and he is a teacher which is a contracted job with great benefits and a pension.  I have none of that.  My business income varies from month to month, I have no benefits (I have to pay for my own insurance) and no pension. He has a graduate degree and can work 5 jobs if he chose to.  Of course, he's lazy and won't.  But I am just worried that if I have to pay him support, that will emotionally fry me

 

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, ap1975 said:

Do any of you know if a man can request spousal maintenance if his wife makes more money? 

 

Yes.  You need to consult a lawyer.  Because you make 3x more money, he will claim that he put sweat equity into your business.  Forget alimony.  That is not the problem.  You may have to buy him out of YOUR company. 

[notbroken]

I strongly suspect you are going to end up divorcing this guy - now or later.  It won't get cheaper and it won't get easier.  You know what needs to be done.  It is a long painful process but it will set you free and is worth it.  You are right - you should have never married him.   Now is your chance to fix that.   

[Ruby Slippers]

You will most likely have to pay him some amount of money in one lump sum or ongoing. But I think it would be worth it. Sounds like he's nothing but dead weight in your life. If it were me, I'd try to pay him in one lump sum rather than drag it out for years, to minimize the emotional impact to one big hit rather than ongoing monthly hits.

[mark clemson]

Seems like the writing's on the wall and has been for some time. Yes, therapy - e.g. to question why you ran to, not away from, all the red flags way back at the start of things.

[Pumaza]

Did you even took time to get to know him before marrying him??????

And why did you still marry him?

If all this issues go away,will you wanna be with him then?

You both ddnt add any effort or work to better the marriage.Like 2 times therapy and then stop?????!!!

Marriage is work,you have to put work in it.If he cheated and doing harasment at work to woman, you are free to leave him. But if you wanna stay give it a second chance,you gotta do the hard work.And that means start going to a therapist separtly,and stick to it as long as needed. And open to change and work on your issues.

Every story got two sides.

Seek therapy,that can help you even if you wanna leave. And if money is what you care for the most, you not really wanna leave.✌🏽🙄😄

 

 

 

[vla1120]

Consult a lawyer so that you know the rules in your state. In my state, because I work in public education, my ex-husband is entitled (by law) to half of my pension. He could have waived that right, but of course - he did not. Depending on the laws in your state, perhaps you could agree to pay him one small lump sum and agree not to go after his pension and benefits. If he's anything like my ex was, maybe he'd jump at the chance at a lump sum of cash and sign away any future claim to your business. Just make sure you get a good lawyer who knows business as well as family law.

[Lotsgoingon]

Get to a therapist. You can find time in your schedule to develop this inner-relationship part of yourself. Trust me: tons of high-powered business people at all levels do this. And these days, with Zoom, all you need to do is close the door and open up your laptop. You'll have total privacy. Bluntly said, you NEED to go therapy because you're in a dysfunctional, unequal, exhausting, depriving relationship that was never good and has never been good. And you're so deep in, that getting out can be harder than you think--partly because you're so used to him being mean and unsupportive.

It's a horrible truth: the longer we stay in a bad relationship, the more deeply we become enmeshed in that relationship, the more skewed and negative our vision of life becomes. 

Yes, any relationship can have some tender moments, but this guy ain't working and he's cheated on you? Multiple times? he ain't working and he's not jumping up to rub your toes when you come home. Hello. You can google therapists ... or asks a friend,. Get going now. You need one to defuse whatever it is that has kept you in this relationship. 

 Keep trying out therapists until you find yourself in front of someone who your soul says, "Yes, they get me." "Yes, this feels right." Therapy should be enormously fun, in the deepest sense of discovering yourself, developing new tools, all the while having compassion for yourself. If you don't end a session feeling "wow!" then you're at the wrong therapist. 

You've still got lots of great years ahead of you, but you need to shed this baggage to really enjoy the next stage of your life. No need for shame. Many of us grew up not really knowing how to deal with people like your husband. Many women I know married knuckleheads because they felt they HAD to get married. A good friend of mine said yes to her controlling, abusive husband (now divorced) because she thought, "well he asked to marry me. It's probably the only chance I'll get to get married." Which broke my heart in hearing that, because my friend is so cute and warm and smart and charming and yes, sexy. Sounds like you had something like this going through your head.

Note: all that you work on in therapy will transfer immediately over to the rest of your life and yes, to your business life as well. You'll have much more energy in doing the work on extricating yourself from this relationship. And you'll be filling in the holes in yourself that got you into this relationship--and kept you there for years. If you were in a healthier space, you would have walked out years ago, perhaps immediately. 

Clearly you have power, you must be a forceful person in your business life. So now you need to strengthen your personal life to match. You need to be coming home several times a week to a guy who has cooked a fantastic dinner for you and who rubs your toes as you wind down from the intensity of building your business.

Skip the shame. A good therapist will show you how to work on yourself without feeling embarrassed about having chosen partner (and I'll say this politely) in a way that was not the wisest possible decision for your life.

No better age to free yourself than 46. 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

Leave this guy, and do it yesterday.  Thank goodness you don't have children with him... there is NOTHING keeping you from leaving this man.  Yes you wasted a lot of time with him and made a huge mistake in marrying him.  But it's never too late to make a better choice.  Don't waste any more time.  I understand your concerns about the financial aspect but just consult a good lawyer and figure it out.  The money aspect is not a reason to stay.

[BaileyB]

22 hours ago, ap1975 said:

I am afraid that if I divorce him and because I make more money than him, he would claim some of it.

To me, this would be money well spent if it provided me an opportunity to find peace, happiness, and joy in life again. 

Have you spoken with a lawyer? That’s your first step, get the information. With this information, you can begin to make decisions. 

I will tell you what my partner’s lawyer told him - “the longer you stay, the more you will pay...” He paid a lot of money to his ex-wife as part of their divorce settlement. It was hard, but I don’t think he would want it to be any different today...
 

Edited January 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, ap1975 said:

Do any of you know if a man can request spousal maintenance if his wife makes more money?  I own my own business and he is a teacher which is a contracted job with great benefits and a pension.  I have none of that.  My business income varies from month to month, I have no benefits (I have to pay for my own insurance) and no pension. He has a graduate degree and can work 5 jobs if he chose to.  Of course, he's lazy and won't.  But I am just worried that if I have to pay him support, that will emotionally fry me

My partners ex-wife was not working when they divorced. I’m sure it differs depending where you live, but one thing the judge considered in the divorce settlement was her “earning potential.” They based the amount of money he owed her in spousal support on her earning potential, given she was unemployed. As he tells it, the judge told her to get a job. 

You have much to settle related to your home (if you own it), your business, your retirement, spousal support. He may be entitled to part of your business. You may be entitled to part of his pension. You need to talk to a lawyer. 

Without a doubt, the divorce set my partner back financially. But more than that, he has said that he felt a lot of anger toward her. It was hard emotionally, but he had no choice... as you have no choice if you want to find happiness. 

[Blind-Sided]

22 hours ago, ap1975 said:

..... Do any of you know if a man can request spousal maintenance if his wife makes more money?  I own my own business and he is a teacher which is a contracted job with great benefits and a pension.  I have none of that.  My business income varies from month to month, I have no benefits (I have to pay for my own insurance) and no pension. He has a graduate degree and can work 5 jobs if he chose to.  Of course, he's lazy and won't.  But I am just worried that if I have to pay him support, that will emotionally fry me

As @d0nnivain said... yes.  Alimony is not just a thing the exW can get.  Since you were together for so long... I'm assuming your company was built while you were together.  In that case... then he owns half your company.  Even if it's a legal LLC, and he is not part of it... he can claim that he supported you during it's start up.  Basically... any money either of you made is marital property. 

As above... get a lawyer ready... but if you can talk about things, you may be able to make it equitable for both of you.  I know when my exW said she wanted out... I told her... "lets just figure this out, and it will be less $$$ for both of us."  But she got a Lawyer, so I was forced to get a lawyer to defend myself.  Just remember... you can ask for anything you want... but the "Battle" will cost you money. And in the end... it may cost more than just giving up something you wanted. (Sorry)

[ThePhoenixStillRises]

On 1/21/2021 at 11:23 PM, ap1975 said:

  I am unhappy, ill at ease, anxious, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I was single and without my husband in my life I would be happier.  He is the one who makes me unhappy, no one and nothing else.  I am absolutely not physically attracted to him and really want nothing to do with him.  And yet, I feel stuck.

I don't post here much, but your post hit home for me in many ways and I knew I needed to chime in to help.  What I quoted from your original post shows me that you have answered your own question...and that you are ready to break away, but you need guidance on how to go about doing that.  You need to find a good divorce attorney, preferably one that specializes in divorce.  Not all lawyers can properly handle divorces...especially one that may be complicated like yours because of your business and such.  My ex used an attorney whose real expertise was in bankruptcy and it showed.  Don't let him talk you out of using an attorney either...you need to know that everything is being handled properly so that you can have a clean separation. 

I feel for you, because I too ignored all of the red flags in the relationship and by the time I recognized them, I was already married and felt it was too late.  I was young and felt that I made the choice and I had to live with it.  I spent almost 20 years in that situation.  For about the last year or so before I started working on getting out, I felt sick all of the time, was constantly walking on eggshells, and only truly felt happy in the times where he wasn't around.  I started realizing that something was definitely wrong with feeling this way all of the time....I felt like being in his presence was slowly killing me. 

It was a long process for me to break free..so realize that it could take time for you to finally extricate yourself.  It also sounds like when you finally break the news to him, that he may get volatile.  Be prepared for that.  He is losing something that he counts on, depends on...and that's the life that he is now accustomed to with you.  Each move that gets you closer to being free will most likely result in some type of outburst from him.  He also sounds like he will never own up to his role in your decision to divorce him.  

Get a lawyer...that needs to be your first step.  Good luck.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, get to a great therapist AND get to a great divorce attorney.  You really want to tap the wisdom of these folks, and let's be clear: divorce attorneys and therapists do not tell us what to do, like some friends. They work with us. They listen to where we are and see what steps make sense from where we are.

Don't try to do this alone--your thinking has been tainted and impaired from years of staying with this guy. To stay in such a miserable situation, you had to concoct all kinds of reasons and justifications. You had to disempower yourself, inflate his views, inflate his value compared to yours. Like you're worrying about post-divorce money--that's something you don't want to think about until you talk to a divorce attorney who can advise you in detail of what your options are. You get facts first and then you weigh your options. Don't speculate that the facts are bad and thus use that speculation to not move forward. 

And frankly, your marriage sounds so bad (sorry to say this) that you still would come out ahead if you had to pay him money for a while. You'd still be away from him and able to move forward with all that entrepreneurial energy you have. So even in the "worst case" of finances, you still would come out ahead. BTW: the best divorce attorneys actually dig into emotions and feelings and all of that because they want to know where their client is coming from. They can be enormously helpful and practical. 

Oh and by the way, you might go to therapy for a while before you feel comfortable leaving the relationship. That's fine! So you're not jumping off the cliff to start therapy or to consult with a divorce attorney. Lots of folks consult with an attorney, then go back and think about it and then return to the attorney when they are ready to go through the divorce. 

 

[ap1975]

Thank you everyone for all of your advice.  I do not know what is wrong with me, but I am so frustrated with myself.  It feel like I want to run away and someone has my feet tied together.  I can clearly see the freedom, joy, and peace of mind right around the bend, and yet I trap myself in this crappy situation.  My birthday is on Sunday.  I had plans for us to do stuff today, and Sunday.  He got off of work early today. Started three arguments with me, blamed it on me, brought up divorce, and then left the house to go see his parents.  He gets upset with me because I ask him to take the dog out or take out the garbage.  Meantime, I read an email he sent to his uncle that is he is  close with.  He had left his computer and email open so I snooped.  He told his uncle that teaching jobs don't pay much and that takes it even harder for him to move out of state if he ends up being single!  He also told him that I am seeing counselor for myself to work on my issues!  I completely read that as he is with me for financial reasons. There is no love, there is nothing here.  Absolutely nothing.  My parents have been happily married for about 50 years now.  My father would jump through hoops for my mother and vice versa.  Take out the garbage being an issue?  She doesn't even have to ask.  My dad would do anything for her and she would do anything for him.  With me, I have to negotiate with my husband to have him take the dog out. Meantime, the therapist we are going to said that its an issue of control for me and that if I want something done immediately I should do it myself.  So, here's a picture for you;  I'm in the middle of cooking dinner, hands dirty, food cooking, and after having worked all day. My husband is on his computer looking at the internet or you tube, or whatever else he's doing.  I ask him to take the dog out.  He gives me attitude.  I don't get the luxury of sitting on my behind on my computer, but he does and then heaven forbid I interrupt him.  Shame on me for staying with this person for so long, for marrying him to begin with, and for putting up with his s****t for so long.  

[healing light]

16 minutes ago, ap1975 said:

Meantime, the therapist we are going to said that its an issue of control for me and that if I want something done immediately I should do it myself

Time for a new therapist.

[S2B]

Why would you cook after working all day- when he’s on his computer and unhelpful?

id eat before I came home! I’d go take a bath and leave EVERYTHING for HIM to handle.

It’d go to bed without a word.

he started the fight so he didn’t have to be with you. Why don’t you tell him to leave now? There’s no point in having him there. He’s more of a detriment than a partner or help.

 

I would never keep any guy in my personal space that acted this way. In fact, I’d go immediately and pack him ONE bag - and tell him to get out now!! 

[Ruby Slippers]

If I were you, at this point, I'd make a list of the steps I need to take to free myself. Then take the first step. And the next. And the next. As BaileyB said, the longer you stay, the more you pay.