What to do after a marriage breakdown?

[Gazza]

I’ve never cheated and as far as I know never been cheated on. I have no experience dealing with a marriage breakdown so I’m here with my ears open. I’ll listen to any advice at this stage.

We moved into a house 8 years ago and it has hidden surveillance cameras in every room. The estate agent said it was something to do with the previous owners not trusting their au pair. We’ve never bothered to turn them on.

They were making a funny sound a month ago and I had them on to fix the problem. I forgot to turn them off. When I realized I started looking through them to try and find some funny footage of what our dogs get up to during the day. Instead I found my soon to be ex wife is a…, well let’s just say she’s not who I thought she was.

I had 19 days worth of footage, take away the 6 weekend days when I’m home leaves 13 days. She was having sex with the couple next door on 9 of those days!  Every single morning after I left for work ether the guy would come over or them both together.  On all but one of those days the woman would revisit later. I was out of town for one night with work and they spent the entire night! They’re babies, like in their early 20’s. I can’t make sense of this.  She’s never even expressed any desire to be with a woman or another man or even that our sex life was lacking somehow.

So I haven’t said anything yet because I don’t know what to say or do. I really don’t have anything to say to her. I’d like to know why but I doubt I’d get a truthful answer so why even bother trying?  I was going to just move out but why should I, she can go and live with them for all I care.  The kids are all older and moved out so that’s not an issue.  What do I do first?  Close bank accounts maybe?  I have the luxury of time because she has no idea I’m on to her so I can get some payback in a small way and leave her with nothing.  So much for our 20th wedding anniversary later this year.

[Marc878]

Line everything up, get a good attorney and follow his advice.

Bud, sorry to say but I doubt this is the first time. As you reflect back you’ll probably see what you missed before. Affairs are bad enough but bringing them into your home and bed is another huge level of disrespect. Luckily you have evidence. Most don’t get that.

it might be a good idea to DNA the kids and get STD testing for yourself.

read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf download 

Be prepared when you confront. You’ll probably get the begging and pleading and she’ll lie her head off trying to get you to not divorce her. Mainly she’ll be just so sorry she got caught. All cheaters lie a lot. She’ll may even try and blame you. This is 100% on her.

Followed by let’s be “friends”. This will be all for her not you. Definition of friend - honest, trustworthy and loyal.

Edited January 22, 2021 by Marc878

[Harry Korsnes]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

Good plan. Close bank accounts and assets. Move at least half to your name only. 
 

you can have her served - I wouldn’t bother with a conversation - she’s not who you thought she was so it’s like she’s a stranger at this point.

maybe with the papers for service you can also have papers filed that states she’s got to move out within 24 hours.

she’s no wife. Sorry you’re here.

And he needs to save the recordings for evidens bc she will lie.

[Blind-Sided]

Sorry you are here.

As above... get a lawyer, and follow their advice since the laws are different everywhere.   Personally, I would stash some cash somewhere, and close any joint credit cards.  If you have the hard video proof... then just have her served.  Don't talk to her about it first.  She knows what she has done, and she knows she is in the wrong. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Gazza said:

I’ve never cheated and as far as I know never been cheated on. I have no experience dealing with a marriage breakdown so I’m here with my ears open. I’ll listen to any advice at this stage.

We moved into a house 8 years ago and it has hidden surveillance cameras in every room. The estate agent said it was something to do with the previous owners not trusting their au pair. We’ve never bothered to turn them on.

They were making a funny sound a month ago and I had them on to fix the problem. I forgot to turn them off. When I realized I started looking through them to try and find some funny footage of what our dogs get up to during the day. Instead I found my soon to be ex wife is a…, well let’s just say she’s not who I thought she was.

I had 19 days worth of footage, take away the 6 weekend days when I’m home leaves 13 days. She was having sex with the couple next door on 9 of those days!  Every single morning after I left for work ether the guy would come over or them both together.  On all but one of those days the woman would revisit later. I was out of town for one night with work and they spent the entire night! They’re babies, like in their early 20’s. I can’t make sense of this.  She’s never even expressed any desire to be with a woman or another man or even that our sex life was lacking somehow.

So I haven’t said anything yet because I don’t know what to say or do. I really don’t have anything to say to her. I’d like to know why but I doubt I’d get a truthful answer so why even bother trying?  I was going to just move out but why should I, she can go and live with them for all I care.  The kids are all older and moved out so that’s not an issue.  What do I do first?  Close bank accounts maybe?  I have the luxury of time because she has no idea I’m on to her so I can get some payback in a small way and leave her with nothing.  So much for our 20th wedding anniversary later this year.

Contact an attorney. Any financial maneuvering you do in contemplation of divorce could backfire.

Unfortunately all your video taping is useless. You don't need grounds for divorce. It won't help your situation whatsoever.

In fact you could be in legal trouble for taping that when she had "a reasonable expectation of privacy".

Get a lawyer and avoid infidelity sites full of bad advice such as illegal activity.