Trying to understand her behaviours.

[MrWobblyTickle]

Hey everyone,

I am currently going through a break up with this girl I have been with since July 2019. I am 29 and she is 25. We live together but she is now looking for alternative accommodation. We argue pretty much every week or two weeks. The arguments in my opinion are always started by her and escalate when I stand up for myself or give my opinion. 

 

I feel she is very unstable and dramatic. I will bullet point below all the examples I can remember so I am sorry if this goes on for a bit.

 

• We went out for the day once and then the next day she would not talk to me because she decided I wasn't the one. Then she calmed down and said she loved me.
• She once called me to say it was over and I said ok. 10 minutes later she calls to tell me she misses me and loves me. 
• She said she was going to leave all the gifts I had got her at a pub we used to hangout at and I would have to collect them. Met up with her and she then started being sweet again.
• She once text me saying she was pregnant and that she was crying and would have to have the baby in Spain where her family are. I got through on the phone and she said it was a joke and she was out shopping. When I got mad about it she said I have no sense of humour. 
• We once went for a drink and she had got it in her head the bartender fancied me. When we went there the following week the bartender got her order wrong and spoke to me for like a minute about the weather. My girlfriend then stopped talking to me and said it was my fault the order was wrong. 
• We moved in together back in July 2020 because her dad got cancer and he had to go back to Spain. While I was at work she hacked into my old phone behind my back and saw banter between me and two female friends. She uses that against me all the time saying I can't be trusted and can't see how hacking my phone was breaching trust. 
• I once said I might start doing the occasional night shift at work for more money when she starts working. She said I just don't want to spend time with her and she started ignoring me. She then installed a dating app the same evening because to her we had "broken up."
• I saw two people from my past with whom I didn't want to interact with while I was walking with my girlfriend. I then moved off the path to get away from them. She asked who they were and I told her. She then got in a mood saying I am hiding things.
• She asked about my previous relationships once. I told her about them and now in arguments she brings them up and says I deserved the way I was treated before. 
• She once spent an hour belittling me and saying she wanted to leave. I had enough and said "ok start packing your stuff then." She then started crying and saying I was kicking her out. Even now she says I am kicking her out even though she wants to leave. I have said she can stay with me until she finds somewhere but insists I am kicking her out.
• She once started asking to look through my Facebook and I said no. She then said if I didn't let her she would leave. The reasoning was she showed me a video on her phone once and as she was closing Facebook I saw a dating app. I asked to see it because it was clearly dodgy. She then said I had demanded to look so she could now look through my phone too. 
• She accuses me of "treating her like s***" because I shout at her sometimes. She forgets the bit where she berates and belittles me until I lose my temper and the moment I lose my cool with her suddenly I am the bad one.
• She once was expecting a phone call and it didn't come. She said it was because of my negativity the call never came. Also she once said she would not sleep with me anymore because I transfer my negative energies to her when we sleep together. A couple of days later her contactless card payment didn't work at the train station. She blamed me for that. I wasn't even at the station at the time. 
• She says all arguments are my fault because I try to talk to her when she doesn't want to talk. I have tried explaining that communication is important in a relationship and she said no we can only talk when she is ready. 
• She won't accept responsibility for the break down of the relationship with her lack of trust in me, bizarre behaviours, insecurities etc and says it is because I shout at her and "treat her like s***."
• I have paid for everything and provided her with a roof over her head and food. When I mention that to counter her thing about me treating her badly she accuses me of showing off and being distasteful. 
• During an argument once she threatened to break my stuff and smash a plate over my head and punch me in the face. Then later she said I was being domestically violent because I shouted at her.
• I feel very drained most of the time and that I am walking on eggshells. Anything that goes wrong I get the blame.
• I get a lot of criticism from her about the way I am. When we argue she makes sure to talk louder than me and then she proceeds to insult me.

Even today we argued and she was really nasty to me. Then when I did my own thing she wanted to cuddle and started being kind again. 

Sorry for such a long post but this behaviour baffles me. To me she is very controlling and manipulative. 

She is moving out soon if her friend has room for her and I just feel relieved. I feel she has drained me of all happiness.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

[trident_2020]

35 minutes ago, MrWobblyTickle said:

• During an argument once she threatened to break my stuff and smash a plate over my head and punch me in the face.

 

Why haven't you married her yet?

Otherwise someone's going to steal this gem away from you

[FMW]

She sounds incredibly emotionally unstable.  Consider yourself lucky when (if?) she moves out.  

[Gaeta]

 Half through it l had enough, she's nuts sorry. Why have you put up with that for so long, something is wrong with her, doesn't matter if you can't put a name on what's wrong, she just is. Get rid of her already.

[ExpatInItaly]

She is more than controlling and manipulative, OP.

This is a mentally unstable person. You need  to get away from her. Nothing you say to do will make this better; it’s quite clear that she’s got some underlying psychological problems that aren’t being treated. 

It’s time to end it forever. 

[kendahke]

This reads like a colossal $#!+ test/game she's running down on you.  She needs to be on medication and supervised by a psychiatrist.

Get her out of your dwelling and evaporate from her life.

Edited January 23, 2021 by kendahke

[kendahke]

Quote

she is moving out soon if her friend has room for her

If?

No, she needs to move out PERIODT.  Back to Spain and her parents. Her friend knows how crazy she is--she's not going to let her move in.

You'd better have a solid plan B on deck just in case.

[Wiseman2]

Wow. She's way too unstable to have a relationship with. Sounds like a bunny boiler case. Be very careful extricating yourself from this. Sounds like a tire slasher.

[Sarah_Smiles]

It's like she keeps trying to see how much you love her by creating weird dramas with you over and over and when you don't fall for it she drops it and acts sweet because scared you'll finally have had enough and go. If she truly cared about you she wouldn't continue on treating you the way she does. Because you stick around she sees it as a green light by you to keep the status quo up. It's very unhealthy for you both. Best to walk away.

[Wiseman2]

Don't try to apply logic to chaos.

The best thing you can do is remove yourself emotionally and be bland and calm.

Let someone like this simply leave. Minimize drama with bland agreeable one-word replies. 

Who cares? As long as she leaves and doesn't start trouble.

[Pumaza]

Even thou a story got two sides,

She do look childish and abusive. Maybe date people closer to 30?

Glad she leaving,you both are better of this way.

[Fletch Lives]

When they fall out of love with you but are still with you, they are argumentative and like to start fights.

[dramafreezone]

Sounds like someone that gets off on the drama, commonly known as the drama queen.  There are some women that just can't handle when things are going too well.  I learned this from a GF at age 19.  Some women need turmoil like they need air.  Often times these women saw their parents go through the same thing so that's what they think a relationship is supposed to be, full of arguments all the time.  Run away as fast as you can.

I bet the sex is amazing though.

Edited January 25, 2021 by dramafreezone

[mark clemson]

Sounds like you have gone and stuck your D into crazy. Big mistake IMO (back me up here @Shortskirtslonglashes ).

You can rectify this by walking away if/when she eventually changes her mind and attempts to reel you back in. You may be "trauma-bonded" to her, but you need to do it even if it's difficult. Hopefully she won't flip out over that and slash your tires. Even if she does, it's ultimately a small price to pay...

 

On 1/22/2021 at 1:55 PM, MrWobblyTickle said:

I feel she is very unstable and dramatic. I will bullet point below all the examples I can remember so I am sorry if this goes on for a bit.

• [Very long list deleted]

Life eventually teaches us to walk away from (not towards) the red flags. Usually the sooner, the better. Hopefully you've learned your lesson.

You should research something called the Drama Triangle. It will probably ring a lot of bells for you.

GL (with your next relationship).

Hastas.

Edited January 26, 2021 by mark clemson

[Marc878]

Let her go.

[MrWobblyTickle]

Hey all thank you very much for your responses.

She came back from her friend's place this weekend and has secured a room. She told me however she missed me a lot and after talking to her friend, her friend told her to let go of the past and to trust me. We spoke and she said she wants to change for the better. So as of right now we are together. However I feel empty inside. I feel so ground down by all the dramas that happened before I just don't feel as much love for her as I once did.

Before she went to her friends this weekend I did a night shift at work and called her to make her aware I would not be home at night. She said "do what you want we aren't together anymore." I said "ok." I got a text message a few hours later saying have an amazing day and night. I replied with thank you and you too.

I then get a message saying f*** off. I say Ok. Then she says to me how dare I sleep with her and then use a night shift to f*** with my female friends. Then she told me I am awful and I didn't respond to it. I hate being accused like that when I am totally innocent.

Now it is all back to I love you and I need you and she is calling me her soulmate. I just don't feel it means anything because I know she will change again soon and the cycle repeats. I have been at this point with her so many times and I feel my patience has run out. I just don't feel the same about her anymore as I use too. 

I want to talk to her about this but just can't get the words out to end it. She keeps saying to me "if you want me to go back to Spain just say so." "If you don't want a future with me just say so." I just go silent. She wants children and marriage in the future and neither interest me. 

I think I can't end it because I feel sorry for her given her dad's illness and being away from her family. I want to feel for her again like I once did but it just isn't there and feels different now. 

I am not perfect and I have shouted at her a few times when she starts random dramas so I feel bad about that. Her moods just seem so up and down.

 

I looked up the drama triangle and it is all too familiar unfortunately. I know I should break the triangle but we have "broken up" so many times now and it always resets.

 

Thank you for reading and your time.

[d0nnivain]

44 minutes ago, MrWobblyTickle said:

 I know I should break the triangle but we have "broken up" so many times now and it always resets.

So don't reset it this time.  Let the break up stand.  She sounds exhausting. 

[Wiseman2]

Ok, be honest so she can go back home and be happy. Let her go.

[kendahke]

15 hours ago, MrWobblyTickle said:

We spoke and she said she wants to change for the better.

It's going to take longer than a weekend at her girl's place for that to happen.  I give her til the end of the week to revert back to being the only thing she can be: herself.  She needs a therapist/psychiatrist more than she needs you.

Quote

She keeps saying to me "if you want me to go back to Spain just say so."

"I want you to go back to Spain"... or "Quiero que vuelvas a españa, solo dilo", "No quiero un futuro contigo, solo dilo", "No quiero hijos, matrimonio o un futuro contigo." so she really understands.

You need to tell her it's over and you don't want to work things out with her.

She needs to change for the better for herself, not as a means to keep you--that's not a permanent position for her.
 

Quote

I think I can't end it because I feel sorry for her given her dad's illness and being away from her family.

 

Her father's illness isn't your problem or responsibility.  She can just as easily move back and be with her parents and help take care of him... it has nothing to do with her. She doesn't have a problem leaving you as a means to emotionally manipulate you on a whim. Stop being so generous.
 

Quote

 

I want to feel for her again like I once did but it just isn't there and feels different now. 

I am not perfect and I have shouted at her a few times when she starts random dramas so I feel bad about that. Her moods just seem so up and down.

I looked up the drama triangle and it is all too familiar unfortunately. I know I should break the triangle but we have "broken up" so many times now and it always resets.

 

Stop making excuses for not standing sentry to your boundaries and what you need to be emotionally and mentally whole. The drama resets because YOU ALLOW IT TO RESET.  You aren't a victim of this woman--you are a volunteer for her treatment and you make excuses in order to convince yourself that you should put up with her abuse.

None of her problems are you heavy lift--they're hers.  She doesn't want to do anything to make herself better because she knows there are no consequences you're going to dish out that will force her to seek help to change... and that change is going to take years and most likely being on medication--neither of which is your problem to solve.  You aren't her husband, thankfully you don't have children with her, so you're not obligated to stay and take this off her.  Make damb sure you double wrap yourself if you're still having sex with her because she is the type who would get "oopsy" pregnant and then use the child as a pawn to manipulate you for the rest of your life and that child's.

Edited January 27, 2021 by kendahke

[DKT3]

I heard that crazy women are amazing in bed...there has to be truth to that because unless you to are crazy I don't understand why you haven't moved and changed your name to ensure this girl could never find you.

You could put together a mensa think tank and they wouldn't be able to make sense of her behavior. 

[lee179108]

On 1/22/2021 at 9:55 PM, MrWobblyTickle said:

Hey everyone,

I am currently going through a break up with this girl I have been with since July 2019. I am 29 and she is 25. We live together but she is now looking for alternative accommodation. We argue pretty much every week or two weeks. The arguments in my opinion are always started by her and escalate when I stand up for myself or give my opinion. 

 

I feel she is very unstable and dramatic. I will bullet point below all the examples I can remember so I am sorry if this goes on for a bit.

 

• We went out for the day once and then the next day she would not talk to me because she decided I wasn't the one. Then she calmed down and said she loved me.
• She once called me to say it was over and I said ok. 10 minutes later she calls to tell me she misses me and loves me. 
• She said she was going to leave all the gifts I had got her at a pub we used to hangout at and I would have to collect them. Met up with her and she then started being sweet again.
• She once text me saying she was pregnant and that she was crying and would have to have the baby in Spain where her family are. I got through on the phone and she said it was a joke and she was out shopping. When I got mad about it she said I have no sense of humour. 
• We once went for a drink and she had got it in her head the bartender fancied me. When we went there the following week the bartender got her order wrong and spoke to me for like a minute about the weather. My girlfriend then stopped talking to me and said it was my fault the order was wrong. 
• We moved in together back in July 2020 because her dad got cancer and he had to go back to Spain. While I was at work she hacked into my old phone behind my back and saw banter between me and two female friends. She uses that against me all the time saying I can't be trusted and can't see how hacking my phone was breaching trust. 
• I once said I might start doing the occasional night shift at work for more money when she starts working. She said I just don't want to spend time with her and she started ignoring me. She then installed a dating app the same evening because to her we had "broken up."
• I saw two people from my past with whom I didn't want to interact with while I was walking with my girlfriend. I then moved off the path to get away from them. She asked who they were and I told her. She then got in a mood saying I am hiding things.
• She asked about my previous relationships once. I told her about them and now in arguments she brings them up and says I deserved the way I was treated before. 
• She once spent an hour belittling me and saying she wanted to leave. I had enough and said "ok start packing your stuff then." She then started crying and saying I was kicking her out. Even now she says I am kicking her out even though she wants to leave. I have said she can stay with me until she finds somewhere but insists I am kicking her out.
• She once started asking to look through my Facebook and I said no. She then said if I didn't let her she would leave. The reasoning was she showed me a video on her phone once and as she was closing Facebook I saw a dating app. I asked to see it because it was clearly dodgy. She then said I had demanded to look so she could now look through my phone too. 
• She accuses me of "treating her like s***" because I shout at her sometimes. She forgets the bit where she berates and belittles me until I lose my temper and the moment I lose my cool with her suddenly I am the bad one.
• She once was expecting a phone call and it didn't come. She said it was because of my negativity the call never came. Also she once said she would not sleep with me anymore because I transfer my negative energies to her when we sleep together. A couple of days later her contactless card payment didn't work at the train station. She blamed me for that. I wasn't even at the station at the time. 
• She says all arguments are my fault because I try to talk to her when she doesn't want to talk. I have tried explaining that communication is important in a relationship and she said no we can only talk when she is ready. 
• She won't accept responsibility for the break down of the relationship with her lack of trust in me, bizarre behaviours, insecurities etc and says it is because I shout at her and "treat her like s***."
• I have paid for everything and provided her with a roof over her head and food. When I mention that to counter her thing about me treating her badly she accuses me of showing off and being distasteful. 
• During an argument once she threatened to break my stuff and smash a plate over my head and punch me in the face. Then later she said I was being domestically violent because I shouted at her.
• I feel very drained most of the time and that I am walking on eggshells. Anything that goes wrong I get the blame.
• I get a lot of criticism from her about the way I am. When we argue she makes sure to talk louder than me and then she proceeds to insult me.

Even today we argued and she was really nasty to me. Then when I did my own thing she wanted to cuddle and started being kind again. 

Sorry for such a long post but this behaviour baffles me. To me she is very controlling and manipulative. 

She is moving out soon if her friend has room for her and I just feel relieved. I feel she has drained me of all happiness.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

No normal girl would behave this way, get out now while you can before you do actually get her pregnant and have ties with her for life... trust me you dont want that, she sounds mentally unstable!  End this now, dont give in to her crying when you do.. block her and focus on yourself for a bit before dating someone who would never act this way to you. You will be better off in future. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 1/26/2021 at 11:10 AM, MrWobblyTickle said:

I think I can't end it because I feel sorry for her given her dad's illness and being away from her family. I want to feel for her again like I once did but it just isn't there and feels different now. 

All the more reason you should tell her that yes, she should return to Spain and be with her family now. 

This relationship is never going to get better. She is mentally unstable and you cannot help her. It's way above your paygrade. Send her on her way so you can regain your own sense of peace and well-being. 

[Beachead]

@MrWobblyTickle

So one minute she's all over you, next minute she doesn't want anything to do with you.  One minute she loves you, next minute she's telling you to f*ck off. Could you see yourself marrying a woman like this?  I think it's pretty obvious that your ex-girl has problems.   

There's no way to continue to having a relationship with her or anybody who's like this unless you want to permanently damage yourself and burn yourself out.  Keep in mind, when that happens, it'll affect your relationships with other people in the future.   Not just romantic relationships, but relationships with friends, family, bosses, coworkers.    You simply will lose the ability to be compassionate, patient and forgiving which are things you'll require to have healthy, stable relationships...and that will only further the pain and isolation you'll feel.   So in the end, your life will ultimately be impacted by this woman.  Take it seriously.

When people treat you like crap and you continue to take it and stay, it ends up becoming your fault, so make sure you take responsibility for yourself, and make sure you are treating yourself fairly.

The good thing is you've recognized this is all wrong and you've come here to seek advice so you've taken the first step.  Now that the two of you have split up, I strongly encourage you to stop responding to her.  There's just no point.  Remove her from social media.  Box her things.  Get her presence off of your phone, including pictures and messages.  For you to begin to heal, you've got to put her out of your sight.

- Beach

Edited January 30, 2021 by Beachead

[josedelamuerte]

Stay calm and get this woman out of your house.

[Miss Spider]

Hey, I am sorry you’re going through this.Sounds to me like the actions of a  unstable drama queen that loves you but is not in love with you. 

Edited January 30, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes