Trying to understand her behaviours.

[mark clemson]

Having a child with this woman, intentionally or otherwise, would be a mistake that would reverberate through your life for about 2 decades (at minimum). It would also be cruel to the child as, even though she might love him/her in her way, they would almost certainly be subjected to her "crazy" and/or emotional abuse for the bulk of their childhood.

So... no. Perhaps you are "trauma-bonded" to her, but you need to bite the bullet and walk away. It's really that simple (although not necessarily easy to do).

[MrWobblyTickle]

Hey all,

Once again thank you so much for all the responses I appreciate them a lot. 

After she came back from her friends we agreed to give it one last chance. Since then I have noticed she has changed for the better. No arguments and she is being extra kind and sweet. I can't fault her. 

I think the problem however is now me. Even though we have agreed to give it another go I just don't feel right. All the drama and hassle from before is still getting to me. She says she has let all that go and this is a fresh start but for me I felt it was over when she went to her friends a few weekends back.

Last night I told her I feel very unsure about it and that I am just waiting for another argument to start due to our past patterns and she said I need to let it all go and learn from it all to make the relationship healthier and better so we don't argue. She kept asking me if I want her to go back to Spain and I just say "I don't know." I find it impossible to say yes because I feel like I am not giving this last chance enough of an actual chance.

After she had a nap she woke up and would not let me cuddle her or talk to her because she was busy talking to her sister on the phone via texting. She then said we need to talk. She said she misses her family and wants to be back in Spain and be with people who actually love her and don't have doubts like I do. I then start to feel panicked and tell her that I want her to stay but she said no she just thinks the relationship is broken and she is making all the effort with the last chance we are on.

When we woke up this morning she still wanted to go but I tell her to stay and now she said I need to make a decision. She said I am making her confused and I can totally see why. I feel bad about it. I am so confused as to why I am acting this way. She said I told her to leave and I want space but I never said those words exactly. I just said I am feeling unsure about things. She also said when someone wants space it is because they are seeing someone else and that I should not waste her time by doing that but I am not seeing anyone else.

I think I am in the wrong now with how I can't make a decision about her staying or going but she keeps saying it is my decision and it feels like a lot of pressure. If she stays I might continue to feel unsure and anxious about an argument and if she goes I will feel like I didn't give her enough of a chance to change. When she is being sweet and kind she is perfect and I love having her around but I just feel all the past drama is still getting on top of me and I feel so drained from it all still.

I am scared of letting her go but I know it is probably for the best. I am so torn between letting her go and actually giving this one more chance. She is being great at the moment and I feel bad for feeling unsure. I think she appreciates me being honest about how I feel though. It was going so well but I can't shake that sinking feeling I have and how I feel differently about her after all the drama.

Thank you for your time.

 

[josedelamuerte]

4 minutes ago, MrWobblyTickle said:

She is being great at the moment and I feel bad for feeling unsure.

You honestly think she changed as a person after a few days at a friend's house?

Her original pattern was being great one moment and then guano crazy the next. That's why you wanted to dump her in the first place.

Be sure. Feel good.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, MrWobblyTickle said:

She said she misses her family and wants to be back in Spain and be with people who actually love her and don't have doubts like I do.

Set each other free. She's so unhappy there with you. As you are with her.

[MrWobblyTickle]

Hey, 

Thanks for the further responses I appreciate it.

Got home yesterday and we had a talk. She brought up everything that had happened between us before and again said all arguments are my fault because I try to talk to her when she doesn't want to and that is why she explodes at me. 

I tried to explain that on Monday when I said about me being unsure and worried about an argument was just how I am feeling given our track record. She thinks it was me saying she should pack her things and go but it wasn't. I just expressed how I was feeling and felt better after doing so. She was caring at first but then later just exclaimed she was going back to Spain and she has had enough. Tuesday evening she is saying I am the one telling her to go. 

During our argument last night she said I owe her all the money she had spent since we lived together which is about £1,900. She said I owe her, her money, time and energy since we moved in together back in July. Then she said she was just joking. Then again she demanded the £1,900. Then it was a joke again. She also said I owe her money because we slept together and I used her like a prostitute. We were in a relationship and it was all consensual and she initiated most of the time. She also wants me to pay for her flight and PCR covid-19 test fit to fly certificate. 

Also she said the next guy will get lots of sex and her time and attention. Just trying to make me feel bad. She cried a lot last night after having a go at me saying I am the worst and she hates me. I went shopping and when I got back she said she loves me and she will miss me. I made dinner for us both because I didn't want her to go hungry. She fell asleep after eating and when she woke up the room was spinning. She said "I know we argued. Have you done something to my food?" I found that really offensive and I finished her food for her because she was full so of course I hadn't done anything to it. It was her anemia playing up. She hasn't been taking the iron tablets I got her.

During the argument last night I got the packing boxes down for her because I had enough. She is now using that against me saying it is my decision that she is leaving although she said she was on Monday.

Admittedly I have said to her last night and this morning not to go and it will be ok but I think that is just my emotions talking because a part of me is sad she is leaving. I do care about her and love her but this relationship is bad for us both.

This morning she told me when I leave for work she will start packing and that now I can make stupid jokes with my female friends again. She is very jealous of my female friends since going through my phone in August and seeing the banter I have with them. 

Anyway looks like she is going so when I get home she should packed a lot. I am very sad she is going but deep down I know it is for the best.

Thank you for your time 

[josedelamuerte]

What a nutcase. Glad to hear she's inching towards the door. You're in for quite a treat, rediscovering how chill life can be without all this drama.

[MrWobblyTickle]

Yes I am starting to see how mad she is. Yeah she said she will start packing and sending stuff back to Spain today. 

I agree I think my life will be a lot more chilled once she has left. 

She just sent me a picture of me and her from last year saying she doesn't want me to delete the picture so I remember that someone once loved me. 

To me that is just her trying to make me feel bad. Sort of like "look what you gave up and are now missing out on." Comes across as a little narcissistic in my eyes.

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, MrWobblyTickle said:

 Yeah she said she will start packing and sending stuff back to Spain today. 

Excellent. More peaceful for both of you. No point trashing her because remember you picked her.

[MrWobblyTickle]

Hey all,

Just an update. Her flight is booked for the 14th February and she has started packing her stuff. The last couple of days have been bizarre though.

On Wednesday she started demanding I pay for her flight home and said I would regret it if I don't and she can make my life difficult.

I got home Thursday and she said to me "I never knew you tried to kill yourself?" Then she started quoting a load of things that happened between me and an ex girlfriend of mine. She said she had been in contact with my ex and asked about me. Then it became a friend told her all that, then she said I told her ages ago when I never went into much detail about what had happened. Then today it was my brother who told her and then it changed to she called my mum in the week and found out from her. I will speak to my mum when I can but I highly doubt she spoke to her. 

I tried to leave after she said that but she blocked the door trying to stop me from leaving and said she loved me. I wanted space because she had intrusively been snopping around my past to antagonise me. When I got home she started crying saying she wants her time left with me to be special and wants us to act like a couple until she leaves.

She napped and then when she woke up she said she had spoke to a male friend who told her that because I shout at her (after she spends an extended period of time calling me names and belittling me) I am domestically abusing her and she wants to get some advice. The next day she called an anonymous domestic abuse phone line and after feeding them her side they said I need anger management help. 

The morning after being told I am domestically abusive she asked if we could give things another go. I said I don't have the patience, mental fortitude or skills necessary to deal with her as a person. I said she needs someone who will understand her. She then said she will look into her rights because her name is on the tenancy agreement. She hasn't paid a penny towards the place. Friday evening she went out to go and "cry at the park" while I played online with my friend. When she got back she was being all sweet and kind.

This morning (Saturday 6th Feb) she asked if we are together. I said no and she said "ok you don't mind if I talk to this guy I know right?" She is talking to someone she use to date and apparently he asked her if she wants to move in with him after she called him on her "cry at the park." I know she is only telling me about him to make me jealous. It isn't working I feel nothing at the idea of her moving in with him. Suddenly she might not go to Spain now. She said she will decide on the 14th. Either go to his or Spain. 

Also we argued today and she said now she is going I will have to find another female to pick on and shout at. She thinks I will be nasty to my female friends next because I apparently like to shout at women. I explained to her if she annoys someone long enough and insults them constantly they probably will shout at her.

Later on today she asked if I am sure about not giving the relationship another try. She said she will not argue with me anymore and I said it is best for both of us that we split up. As of then she has been ok and continued packing. She said she is glad I am honest about how I feel.

I am just sat wondering what the hell she will come out with next. I am genuinely wary of her. She is so erratic. 

[Marc878]

At this point you are your main problem.

LET HER GO !

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Marc878 said:

At this point you are your main problem.

LET HER GO !

Agree. You need to leave her alone so she can return to where she belongs.

 

[MrWobblyTickle]

I am letting her go. I have declined twice to give things another go. I am helping her pack and at the moment we are civil. I was merely stating on my last post how weird the last few days have been. 

[MrWobblyTickle]

Hey all,

She decided on Monday 8th to leave on Tuesday 9th instead of Sunday 14th Feb. Her plan was to come back Wednesday 10th and Thursday 11th to send the boxes off but I didn't like it because I don't feel comfortable with her having keys and being able to get in while I am at work because she threatened in the past to break my stuff. 

She dropped it on me that she was leaving and then when I tried to get friend to house sit while I was at work she started trying to cause trouble saying she would message him on Facebook saying I have been saying things about his girlfriend. I lost my temper again at that because it felt like blackmail.

After we calmed down we were civil for a bit and then she said to me she can make me lose my job with one call. Reason is she has recorded me without my knowledge when I have been annoyed at her winding me up. In some of the recordings I raise my voice out of frustration and she said that is evidence of domestic violence.

She then finished packing Tuesday and I got the day off to keep an eye on her. She left Tuesday and I am looking after some of her stuff till Saturday and then sending the boxes in a few weeks back to Spain because she doesn't have space at her friends. 

Even though this is for the best I still have feelings and they got the better of me yesterday and I called her to try and make amends. I felt silly doing it but I think I just wanted to be sure it was definitely over because so many times we have been here before and then it resolves itself.

She said she doesn't want to try again and started crying saying I have treated her so badly. She still can't see she was the abusive one. I tried to explain we should try and get on and recognise when an argument was about to happen but she doesn't want to try. Fair enough and deep down I know it is for the best. 

She said her dad was happy we split up because he didn't like me because I am English. He has never met me. Also he said now she has left me he will pay for a room or flat for her in London. Can she where she gets the control from. 

She also said for it to work I would not be allowed to insult her anymore and that I can't talk to my best friend over the headset on the PlayStation anymore because she doesn't like him. I refused the bit about the PlayStation and my friend and said the insults would have to stop from both sides but she doesn't think she has ever insulted me. She left it as she will think about it and get back to me.

I know I should not of called her and tried to fix things but my emotions and missing her company got the better of me. Seems her mind is made up anyway. Last time I should see her is this Saturday when she collects her things.

Thank you for all your replies and help. I just need to be strong.

 

[Wiseman2]

Let her go. Knock off the nonsense. She could cause legal problems for you (as she should) if you keep her from collecting her belongings and going back to her country.

[Marc878]

You should examine yourself. Why would you put up with this crazy nonsense?
 

Figure yourself out so you don’t go through this again.

[MrWobblyTickle]

Hey all,

She took her stuff on Saturday 13th February and got her friend to help her. I let her into the property to check she had everything. There was no drama and it all went ok.

On Sunday 14th she started messaging me saying some of her things were left behind. It is a metal coat hanger that goes over the top of a door and a bottle of washing up liquid (mostly all used by her when she lived here) that belongs to her dad. She said I kept them both on purpose to bother her and that I told her everything was outside the flat to be picked up. I put everything she had packed and some additional bits I packed for her to save her time on Saturday outside the room. She said I should not of touched her stuff without permission (she forgets she hacked my old phone while I was at work without my permission) the two items were missed by her when she checked the room. The only interaction I have had with her stuff was moving it downstairs before she arrived to speed up the process and also packing a few things she had missed when she initially packed.

She said she will send a "male friend" this Saturday to pick them up. I explained that due to lockdown and the pandemic it would be best if she repurchased the items at a shop near her and not send a friend to come and get it. The metal hanger is £10 and the washing up liquid is £1. Hardly breaking the bank. 

She also said she has reported me for domestic abuse (I only ever shouted when she would intentionally anger me to get a reaction and I have never been physically violent) also she said she can't come to the property because she would need the police to be with her so I can't do anything to her. I have never hit her or even thought about doing so. 

She then said she would tell me on Facebook when he is coming over and then she blocked me on WhatsApp. 

She is welcome to those items and I never intentionally kept them from her they just got forgotten about like things do during a move. She came in to the property twice to check and missed them herself. I find it offensive she is trying to make me out to be domestically abusive when she is the one who would belittle and insult me to try and get a reaction out of me. Then when I lost my temper she would say I am abusive. 

Now she is gone I am much happier and I just want these last few trivial items gone so I can be totally done with her.

Thank you for your time.

 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, MrWobblyTickle said:

She also said she has reported me for domestic abuse (I only ever shouted when she would intentionally anger me to get a reaction and I have never been physically violent) also she said she can't come to the property because she would need the police to be with her so I can't do anything to her. I have never hit her or even thought about doing so. 

You need to let her collect this stuff is she shows up with a police escort.

[MrWobblyTickle]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to let her collect this stuff is she shows up with a police escort.

At no point have I said I would stop her from collecting her stuff. She is more than welcome too. She is just trying to intimidate me by mentioning police. In what world would the police actually show up for a metal over the door coat hanger and a bottle of fairy washing up liquid? 

She is saying I have domestically abused her to justify in her own head her bizarre behaviours. In her mind she is the victim and is mentioning the involvement of police to make it seem like I am violent and dangerous when I am not. She is mental. 

Please read my entire posts to get the full context. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to have as little contact as possible with her until her things are gone, and book an appointment with a counsellor. 

There is something dysfunctional about you too, for allowing this to go and participating in the madness. 

 

[salparadise]

This is a classic case of borderline personality disorder. I knew it from the first paragraph when you said, "We argue pretty much every week or two weeks." Everything in the bullet list is consistent. All of the belittling and berating and blaming are projection. She views you as an extension of herself, almost as literally as if you were physically attached, and she doesn't like herself. It's sad because once you understand it you know that she is miserable and there is nothing you can do. But at the same time, you must save yourself and there is only one way to do that. You can do it compassionately though, if you understand. 

The second part of this begs the question, why didn't you walk away many months ago. The answer is codependency. BPD and codependency are like the opposite poles of two magnets. As everyone else has affirmed, she is disordered and her behaviors are egregious... so why are you still in this? Why didn't you walk away, or let her walk away, after the first few episodes? Codependency. Like a lock and key. You mentioned feeling like you're walking on eggshells. Well, as is happens one of the best books on the subject is entitled, Stop Walking on Eggshells. You should have a copy, and you should get into therapy to understand why you are the yen for her yang. 

All the best man, I know it's hard. You will be okay but you've got work to do. 

[Wiseman2]

Her behaviors are that of someone who's fed up and going back home. Pretty straight forward.

[MrWobblyTickle]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Her behaviors are that of someone who's fed up and going back home. Pretty straight forward.

Her behaviours are that of someone who is emotionally unstable and likes to cause drama. She took my money for a flight home and then never actually took the flight but kept the money. She threatened to cause me lots of hassle if I didn't pay for the flight. 

If anyone is fed up. It's me. 

[MrWobblyTickle]

5 hours ago, salparadise said:

This is a classic case of borderline personality disorder. I knew it from the first paragraph when you said, "We argue pretty much every week or two weeks." Everything in the bullet list is consistent. All of the belittling and berating and blaming are projection. She views you as an extension of herself, almost as literally as if you were physically attached, and she doesn't like herself. It's sad because once you understand it you know that she is miserable and there is nothing you can do. But at the same time, you must save yourself and there is only one way to do that. You can do it compassionately though, if you understand. 

The second part of this begs the question, why didn't you walk away many months ago. The answer is codependency. BPD and codependency are like the opposite poles of two magnets. As everyone else has affirmed, she is disordered and her behaviors are egregious... so why are you still in this? Why didn't you walk away, or let her walk away, after the first few episodes? Codependency. Like a lock and key. You mentioned feeling like you're walking on eggshells. Well, as is happens one of the best books on the subject is entitled, Stop Walking on Eggshells. You should have a copy, and you should get into therapy to understand why you are the yen for her yang. 

All the best man, I know it's hard. You will be okay but you've got work to do. 

Thank you for your reply. I will look into BPD and I agree with you about myself. I put up with a lot for far too long and I should of walked away much sooner. I will look into getting help with codependency and becoming a better person. To know when to just walk away and to listen to myself and not ignore my own instincts when they say walk away. I tried my best to just stay with her and focus on the few good times we had but in the end I was exhausted.

We have broken up now and already I feel so much better. I will definitely start working on myself. 

Thank you.

[MrWobblyTickle]

This video really hit home for me. It summed up the relationship perfectly. Me being more concerned with her moods and feelings than my own. Letting her bad moods get me down. Trying to explain and defend myself until I got angry from her belittling and berating. Then her saying I am domestically abusive because I shouted. Then me trying to explain why I shouted. How I let my lack of boundaries allow all this. It was scary how accurate it is. 

I can see how my codependency didn't help. I let this go on when I should of had my boundaries set up and stuck firmly by them. Then I should of walked away after the first few red flags. I didn't want to walk away because I wanted to care for her and love her. I should of listened to my gut instincts sooner and walked away. I feel so much better on my own and it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was scared of being alone because I feel I need someone else for validation. 

Has anyone got any tips or advice on how I can start to fix my codependency? I don't want to start another relationship until it is gone. I want to have my own self worth.

Thank you.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, MrWobblyTickle said:

Her behaviours are that of someone who is emotionally unstable

I agree. 

This is not a woman who's simply fed up and wants to go home. Her erratic and abusive behaviour (threatening to punch you in the face and smash a plate over your head) cannot and should not be minimized as mere frustration.