Trying to understand her behaviours.

[MrWobblyTickle]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree. 

This is not a woman who's simply fed up and wants to go home. Her erratic and abusive behaviour (threatening to punch you in the face and smash a plate over your head) cannot and should not be minimized as mere frustration. 

I agree it was more than just frustration. She threatened to do that Christmas Eve while we were arguing because I said no to her looking through my phone. It escalated when she said she would leave if I didn't let her go through my phone. She also threatened to break or sell my stuff.

Last Monday while she was packing she said I am lucky she hasn't got really mad because she would of swept through my place like a hurricane and all my stuff would of been broken and the place smashed up. 

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, MrWobblyTickle said:

Last Monday while she was packing she said I am lucky she hasn't got really mad because she would of swept through my place like a hurricane and all my stuff would of been broken and the place smashed up. 

All the more reason to cut ties for good. I have an ex-boyfriend who was very similar. This is not what being "fed up" looks like, as though of us who've been there can attest to. 

She is not a stable person, but you need to figure out why you let yourself become so enmeshed here. A good therapist can help you navigate that. 

[MrWobblyTickle]

Hey all,

Just an update.

It has been a month since I spoke to her last. I am taking one day at a time. It has gotten harder as time has gone on. I am fighting the urge to contact her and try and reconcile. I know that would be a mistake but I still have feelings. As someone previously mentioned "Trauma bonding" I looked that up and it describes how I feel. That cycle I was caught in. 

My mind keeps thinking of ways to get her back and how it will work and all I need to do is be more tolerant of her behaviours. I just keep thinking of all the good times. I feel lonely too. I am on my own now and lockdown isn't helping. I know a lot of people are in the same boat. 

@salparadise I have looked up BPD and done my research. It would explain why she would  break up and make up with me. I can remember at least 10 or more times she broke up with me and then came back. It was a cycle. I am just wondering if there is anything I could of done to stop the triggers? Could I of been a better partner? If I had known it was potentially BPD I think I would of been more tolerant and understanding. At the time the behaviours confused and upset me. I still feel bad about losing my temper with her during arguments. She would accuse me of things or belittle me and I would defend myself until bursting point. Maybe I should of just tried to calm her down more.

I hope everyone is well.

Thank you.

 

[trident_2020]

Dude you gotta find a way to get over her, she's making you miserable and you haven't even spoken to her in a month.

You didn't even know her that long, thank your lucky stars that you didn't waste more of your life with her, there are serious issues there.

 

[StoryOfMyLifeYes]

I have limited experience with BPD but having been to the psych ward I can attest they are like... the toughest to be around. I don't think "tolerance and understanding" would have done too much of a difference.

There's no magic key to make a borderliner behave normally AFAIK. Run would be my advice.

Edited March 17, 2021 by StoryOfMyLifeYes

[gcp]

Sounds a lot like my ex.  She would get jealous and insecure if I laughed at another mutual female friends joke.  Accused me of checking out our mutual female friends.  She also asked about my past relationships and on multiple occasions used them against me, even said she could see why one cheated on me with their ex.  I also found out one of her exes had sued her for damages when she found texts from another girl on his phone and flipped out.  I was always the one trying to talk things out and her excuse was always, I think too much damage has been done and you'll never forgive me.  But she never really apologized, and when I mentioned "Well we can start with an apology" she would say she already has but the damage is done.

She also had a way of misinterpreting my feelings and emotions and using that in arguments, telling me I didn't like her friends or that I was always condescending.  I guess having a different view on things in a respectful manner is condescending.  She was also 25.  Sounds like they both have some growing up to do.  Count your blessings my friend.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, MrWobblyTickle said:

If I had known it was potentially BPD I think I would of been more tolerant and understanding. At the time the behaviours confused and upset me. I still feel bad about losing my temper with her during arguments. She would accuse me of things or belittle me and I would defend myself until bursting point. Maybe I should of just tried to calm her down more.

This is not how BPD works, OP. It's way above your paygrade. 

And yes, I am speaking from the perspecitve of having ex-partner who suffers from it. If she too suffers from this, she needs consistent, intensive and ongoing long-term treatment with an epxerienced pyschiatrist. 

Efforts to calm her down would otherwise be nearly futile. 

[primer]

My ex-boyfriend was unstable like that. He would break up with me and then come back crying. There was one break-up at 5:00 AM on Christmas Day. By then I didn't care and wanted him out. Later on that day, he came home from visiting his dad in the hospital and acted like nothing happened. Wouldn't you know it, a few days later his dad died and I was too nice to boot him out. Eventually I did though. He blamed his dad's death - but no, he had been like that for years.

I was often accused of being condescending AND I looked at him funny. 

I am more mad at myself for putting up with it as long as I did.

The Betrayal Bond is a good book that was recommended to me. 

 

 

Edited March 17, 2021 by primer

[Negotaurus]

I was cheated on, gaslighted, manipulated and beaten up, and like you I still craved him. What helped me was family time, creating new things (drawing, writing, it raised my confidence a lot) and chatting with other men. Rebounding is toxic and unhealthy, don't do that, but allow yourself to see how much better you can do. I don't even have words for this woman, she really is trash.