Myasylum Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 Hi, Ok... I've been friends with many woman over the years, I know it's possible... but this one is kind of freaking me out a bit. We've met at work and devolved a bond quickly. It was too the point where other co-workers were making comments about how close we were. She tells me secrets, had told me she's not happy with her marriage and is sexless, she tells me she loves me (as a friend I assume)... but other then an occasional hug or pat on the back nothing physical. But when she tells me about her issues about her husband I get a little uncomfortable. I don't mind, I get it... as a friend I listen but I can't help but start to feel more of an emotional bond which could be in my head, who knows? I have tried to back away from her, but she's gotten to know me so well... she notices I'm pulling away, and asks me what's wrong and I get sucked back in. Like I say. I've been (and am) friends with many woman, but this one... has a different feel to it. Oh... one thing I have noticed though... we have met outside of work, but she will not be alone with me. I have not brought it up to her, but it's almost become an inside joke with myself... ok? So who else is showing up. Lol. Either she don't trust me or herself IDK? But it's pretty amusing. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 She has some boundaries & knows your friendship is on a slippery slope. You can listen if you like but follow her lead & do not be alone with her. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myasylum Posted January 23, 2021 Author Share Posted January 23, 2021 Have to ask the stupid question of the week... why not be alone with her? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 Because it's a slippery slope & alone one or both of you may be tempted to cross lines that shouldn't be crossed. Especially if you have a drink & were talking about deep things, it would be very easy to kiss. So you need to stay out of situations where that could be an option. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) The biggest part of your slippery slope is that your ego is becoming engaged. That will interfere with your better judgment. I highly recommend you hop over to the Loveshack Other Man Other Woman forum to get a peek at your possible trajectory if you don't check yourself now. Edited January 23, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel Typos 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappilyMarried Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 Question for OP are you married yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 Your boundaries with her are inappropriate. So short answer: yes, your friendship is inappropriate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Myasylum said: I've been (and am) friends with many woman, but this one... has a different feel to it. What exactly is your question, because I feel like you already have the answer. It feels different because it is different... 4 hours ago, Myasylum said: She tells me secrets, had told me she's not happy with her marriage and is sexless, she tells me she loves me (as a friend I assume)... when she tells me about her issues about her husband I get a little uncomfortable. I can't help but start to feel more of an emotional bond You are on that slope... and this crosses the line. You know it - it makes you uncomfortable because you know that you have passed what would be considered an appropriate boundary. 3 hours ago, Myasylum said: Why not be alone with her? Do you really need to ask this question? Again, I think you know the answer... BTW, your coworkers aren’t talking about how close you are in a good way... they are probably gossiping about your “office affair” and that’s not going to reflect positively on either one of you. Edited January 23, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Myasylum said: She tells me secrets, had told me she's not happy with her marriage and is sexless, she tells me she loves me (as a friend I assume)... but other then an occasional hug or pat on the back nothing physical. But when she tells me about her issues about her husband I get a little uncomfortable. I don't mind, I get it... as a friend I listen but I can't help but start to feel more of an emotional bond which could be in my head, who knows? It's above your paygrade to be her therapist or male-girlfriend. Pull back from this. Focus on work enjoying socializing with other coworkers, etc. Also, even if dating is disappointing during covid , this too-close-for-comfort route is not the way to go. Edited January 23, 2021 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) Just to echo some of what was already said above, yes, while this isn't a serious problem yet, it has the potential to become one. In part, this woman is leaning on you emotionally and developing a sort of "male friend intimacy" with you to help put a band aid on her apparently unhappy marriage. IF it were to become an affair (which it could), it would e.g. have the potential to end your marriage, blow up your work life, etc. Simply put it's not worth the risk. 7 hours ago, Myasylum said: as a friend I listen but I can't help but start to feel more of an emotional bond which could be in my head, who knows? There's your slippery slope right there. These things can escalate over time. And the "emotional bond" can sometimes become limerence, in which case the drive to become romantic with the other person can become extremely strong. Not just normal sex drive strong, but essentially like an addiction. So you really need to be careful here. Edited January 23, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myasylum Posted January 23, 2021 Author Share Posted January 23, 2021 I am not married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 10 minutes ago, Myasylum said: I am not married. Does not really matter. She is. Full stop. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 Ok, well, fair enough. It could blow up hers. Hers may be collapsing anyhow, but IMO she should be dealing with that "on her own" rather than treading water with this EA-ish friendship as a band aid on it. If you have a GF, it could be seen as a form of cheating by your GF (women tend to react more strongly to EAs than men do). And if you don't, having her as an orbiter might interfere in new connections. In addition to any of that, if it turns into an actual affair it could potentially have repercussions at work. Link to post Share on other sites
Syd8 Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 She wants you dude. Go for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 2 hours ago, Myasylum said: I am not married. 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Does not really matter. She is. Full stop. 36 minutes ago, Syd8 said: She wants you dude. Go for it. Do you want to have an affair with her, Myasylum? If you don't, now is the time to cut off contact with her and go back to being work colleagues. Do not have any more contact with her unless it's to discuss work related things. She's primed you for an affair. Now she's waiting to see if you'll reciprocate. Will you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 (edited) In my experience, any time I was hanging with a friend and things felt odd, then 99.99999 percent of the time, it was because things WERE odd. As in the energy between us did not feel safe, meaning did not feel clearly behind the boundary of friendship. And this is noticeable to your coworkers as well. Dude, you do have a voice. You can say, "hey, I'm not sure I should be hearing the stories about your husband." But the problem is probably deeper and more subtle--it's not just that she talks about her husband. It's something else in the way she interacts with you that is different than the way you interact with other women friends. Dude, pay attention to that feeling. You are NOT making this up. Our feelings are way smarter than our "heads" for situations like this. The cognitive mind can't read all the subtle cues as fast as the unconscious mind in situations just like this. Through her body language or how close she stands to you or her excitement when seeing you or her tone of voice (or any combo of the above) she is more intimate than feels safe. She is, whether purposely or not, communicating romantic energy. In this situation, what sharp folks do (in your position) is to pull back a little. Don't respond to her so quickly. Stay a bit distant. Be a little slower in returning her calls. You want to break this flirty energy that she has going with you. You need to get this relationship back to "safe." Don't get caught up in a married person's story unless you have clear boundaries and you're clear you're not at all romantically interested in the person and clear that they are not romantically interested in you. It's manipulation trick #1 for married people looking to have a fling: tell their target about how miserable they are in the marriage. Target feels empathy and starts to think, "well maybe I can make you happy." Boom, you are in the trap. BTW: it can be quite a turn-on to be hanging with someone with whom the boundaries aren't clear. But that turn-on is in this case a sign of trouble. Cut out all the agony and see the situation in front of you. Edited January 24, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: Does not really matter. She is. Full stop. This. She's taking you down an inappropriate path. You don't HAVE to go down this path...are you attracted to her? 2 hours ago, mark clemson said: Ok, well, fair enough. It could blow up hers. Hers may be collapsing anyhow, but IMO she should be dealing with that "on her own" rather than treading water with this EA-ish friendship as a band aid on it. If you have a GF, it could be seen as a form of cheating by your GF (women tend to react more strongly to EAs than men do). And if you don't, having her as an orbiter might interfere in new connections. In addition to any of that, if it turns into an actual affair it could potentially have repercussions at work. Agreed. It's best for her to sort out her relationship first instead of having this EAish friendship. The likely issue is that is that she doesn't know how to solve her marriage issues and is looking for an outlet and she's leaning on you for that. If you're already feeling funny about the "friendship", that's because it is. Boundaries are breaching. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 (edited) 12 hours ago, Myasylum said: Hi, Ok... I've been friends with many woman over the years, I know it's possible... but this one is kind of freaking me out a bit. We've met at work and devolved a bond quickly. It was too the point where other co-workers were making comments about how close we were. She tells me secrets, had told me she's not happy with her marriage and is sexless, she tells me she loves me (as a friend I assume)... but other then an occasional hug or pat on the back nothing physical. But when she tells me about her issues about her husband I get a little uncomfortable. I don't mind, I get it... as a friend I listen but I can't help but start to feel more of an emotional bond which could be in my head, who knows? I have tried to back away from her, but she's gotten to know me so well... she notices I'm pulling away, and asks me what's wrong and I get sucked back in. Like I say. I've been (and am) friends with many woman, but this one... has a different feel to it. Oh... one thing I have noticed though... we have met outside of work, but she will not be alone with me. I have not brought it up to her, but it's almost become an inside joke with myself... ok? So who else is showing up. Lol. Either she don't trust me or herself IDK? But it's pretty amusing. Any advice? Well, she's not getting emotional intimacy from her husband obviously, so you're filling that void. Yes this is inappropriate. Additionally, your relationship is not allowing her to deal with her issues. She needs either marriage counseling, or to get a divorce. Nothing good can come from messing with a married woman. Edited January 24, 2021 by dramafreezone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Xerad Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 12 hours ago, Myasylum said: She tells me secrets, had told me she's not happy with her marriage and is sexless, she tells me she loves me You ought to direct her to HR to find out what therapy her insurance covers. So she loves you. You should make it very clear that you do not love her in return. If you can't do those things, you're already in too deep and you have become the other man. She has turned you into some knight in fake shining armor and it's only going to get worse. She's married. Either she works her problems out with her H or she divorces him. You don't want to have anything to do with that whole mess. Let her live her life without dragging you along for some drama. Like getting beat up by a jealous husband. Find a nice single girl to take lunch or coffee with, and make sure the MW knows about it and sees you two together. See? You'll feel better already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 18 hours ago, Myasylum said: Have to ask the stupid question of the week... why not be alone with her? Dude, come on. You obviously know the answer to this. Does it make you feel good to have posters here tell you she wants you or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 You have what's called an emotional affair. Get a girlfriend and you won't think about her as much. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 This is similar to a female friend I have. We met when I was an RD Chemist, and she was the analytical chemist who ran tests for me, and did QC tests for production. I have known her now for about 17 years. For the majority of that time, we were both married, with kids, and both families got along. But, when my exW started to go nutz... she was there as a shoulder to cry on. I truly value her friendship. With that said, the friendship with your person is exactly what you make of it. If you don't have any intentions for being physical with her... then it's perfectly fine. But if somewhere in the back of your head... you want it to be more... then it's inappropriate, since she is having issues with her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
denwickdroylsden Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 Not sure OP is being 100% honest about his true intentions. Maybe not even with himself. As an unmarried man it's easy to think "I can take a run at this without consequences," except of course risking destroying her marriage, their friendship, and both jobs. Ah, but "can't help where Cupid's arrow falls" . . . . Link to post Share on other sites
colingrant Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 (edited) Quote She tells me secrets, had told me she's not happy with her marriage and is sexless I didn't need to read any further than the quote above. It's inappropriate for her to tell this to a female friend, let alone a male friend. If you're here asking this either you're naïve or self manipulative. Bottom line. It's a classic start to an affair, regardless of your intentions. Few affairs are intentional. Those caught up in the vortex often make this claim as if they can be absolved of responsibility. I had to tell this to a friend of mine recently. He was telling me of an unhappily married woman he's been communicating with who's been giving strong signals of an affair. He claims he's just being a friend and not doing anything. I call BS, as he's experienced and knows quite well he has to do NOTHING except listen, agree and in time, she'll be inviting him over when husband is out of town to watch Netflix and answering the door with makeup and lipstick on. What I'm saying here is it's up to you to halt the freight train that's just gearing up. Sometimes the guy has to get her back on track with husband and off of him. You can't conveniently play innocent while enabling a a married woman to disparage her husband and marriage. Some will plant seeds with a potential suitor (you) and allow you to close the deal when the time is right so that THEY can say they didn't intentionally seek out an affair, but they sure as hell set the wheels in motion. A devious woman knows many men are frequently smitten at being a confidant and will fall hook line and sinker for it. The husband is probably wondering why his wife is acting strange and distant. It may or may not have anything to do with you communicating with her. The closer she gets with you or another man, the worse the husband will be treated. Edited January 25, 2021 by colingrant 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 On 1/23/2021 at 10:49 AM, Myasylum said: Have to ask the stupid question of the week... why not be alone with her? Because it will end up going to far. Do you really want to be the other man and destroy her family. You have already talked about how you tried to back off from her. Your not so stupid to not know why the two of you should never be alone with one another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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