Coping with Low feelings while waiting for circumstances to change.

[Hopefullynotbroken]

10 months into A as OW, just need to talk about this stuff in some way as the low moments are currently crippling me. 

So last spring during the first lockdown was when something really started, I have known this guy for a couple of years through music, had always been interested but never shown it because he was married. At one point a mutual friend referred to him as unhappily married which may perhaps have weakened my resolve and also given me a little hope that I wasn’t imagining the glimmer of interest. 
One evening in February I came very close to moving in for more than just a hug, but the initial covid worries were just starting to kick off and I had a cold - so the spark we were both feeling that night never ignited. 

I should note at this point I was also in a long term (11years) relationship that had become stale and was always fairly dysfunctional (hindsight!) I drew further and further away from my partner who I didn’t live with though did at one point, I used covid rules as a reason not to go round and if I did stop by I would keep distance between us.

Fast forward another month and some laughs on a group chat led to private chats, then just all took off, we connected on a level I had never experienced before, and before too long what started as a few bits of slightly naughty banter turned into deep and meaningful talk. 

We both fell for each other, hard and fast - our personalities and beliefs seem to align so well, and we were very quickly dreaming of a future together, talking into the small hours of the mornings, the first few weeks we both survived on half the amount of sleep because we just couldn’t stop talking each night. 
 

When the summer months arrived and Covid related stuff had settled down some, I ended my relationship - much to my surprise my now Ex finally showed his true emotions and told me how much he loved me. (Not once before that in 11 years) but it was too late in my heart to change how I felt - it was bumpy at first and I made a few mistakes along the way, but got there in the end. 
 

We have never found that much time physically together, he works from home and with restrictions on social gatherings etc. has very few valid reasons to leave the house - but we managed ok for awhile, and made the most of short periods together. Now not so much, Lockdown3 in full swing so trying times in that respect. 
 

We have talked every single day for the past 10 months, our first thoughts every morning are of the other, and we usually manage to chat pretty consistently without ever boring each other.  There are some quiet periods when home life/W stops him being able to respond for awhile, normally only a few hours at a time - even if only a few short messages over an evening sometimes. These nights always make me sad, not because I am that clingy that I need his constant attention (I really am not) but because all the fears and doubts always start creeping in during those quiet periods. I have been very understanding of the situation, but also cannot hide from him when I am low, I share myself with him fully and intend to always do that. 
 

After sharing particular worries when they have become too much for me, I know that he is not intimate with his W and hasn’t been since before we first started talking. And yes I believe him. Call me naive if you want but I know he is being honest with me. 
 

He wants to have a fresh start with me in his life, he thinks about it a lot and I think worries about it a lot too, we have discussed things like finances and he has said he would continue paying towards his W/families home/rent - which I think is fair enough. As long as between the two of us we could afford to live, I am not fussy about these things and am not interested in a life with him because he earns well etc. 
 

Covid has everything on pause though, he (rightly I think) does not want to start making any changes while the stresses of the pandemic are there for the family. 
His W works within the healthcare system so stresses have been higher than normal recently. He has children (1 biologically his), the youngest turned 18 recently though still lives at home, the others are fairly independent. 

The Christmas period was of course horrible for me, even though we still had brief periods of contact, just the whole holiday period feels off when you cannot be with the person you hold most dear in your heart. 
After Christmas had gone by I was still very low overthinking everything and I had to ask him if he saw us being in the same position in a years time, not an ultimatum as such, more just whether he see’s himself making changes within that period. He said he hopes we will be together by that point - and whilst that isn’t a promise, it is good enough to keep me going through the horrible feelings of being the OW for awhile longer.  I hope. 
 

I love him with all my heart, I can see such happiness and contentment in a future together - the kind that he does not have in his marriage, and I did not have in my past relationship. 

But honestly the pain I feel every single day gets so unbearable sometimes, whether it is a few hours of radio silence, or knowing he is doing something I would love to be a part of, or wishing I could be sharing a moment with him, or going to sleep wishing he was beside me. I cry so often now - and I have never been this fragile in my life, but the constant fear that he will break my heart is always there, worry that he won’t be able to go through with separating from his W, worry that she may not let go, and could convince him to try to reconcile/rekindle their marriage. I have this constant gut wrenching feeling that I won’t be enough for him to go through with it - even though I know he loves me. 
 

I am beautiful, intelligent, passionate, talented, unique and a hell of a catch - I know these things, even if I don’t always feel them - but when it comes to him it never feels like anything will be enough to guarantee that I will not be broken by loving him.  
 

Then there is the worry I feel for him, for how much he sometimes struggles with guilt at home, for every time he is frustrated that he cannot talk to me, for every time suspicion’s arise about his texting habits at home. 

The concern I feel everytime that I let him know just how down I am and he knows a large portion is because of him - which makes him feel bad about that too, but what can I do, hide that it all bothers me so much? 

I know there will be such very hard times ahead even if he can find it within himself to end his marriage. And since we (both) hope to keep this A from being discovered by his family and being seen as getting together after a decent amount of time has passed - I won’t be able to offer any direct support if things go bad, I will always be there for him when he needs me, but only in shadows and secrecy. 
 

Thankfully I don’t have to be as careful on my own end, my mother who I am closest to knows everything, so at least I don’t have to hide him from her, though I still find I cannot talk to her about these low feelings etc. 
 

Just trying to hang on for dear life to those future dreams, and stop myself from spiralling into a pit of despair! Covid has just completely paused my life. Living alone and wishing for his presence in my life every hour of every day. And nothing good in the way of distractions from how I am feeling. 
 

I really hope I don’t just receive a lot of hate and viciousness in response to my truth.

Neither of us planned for this, we didn’t set out to find someone to mess around with - we fell in love - both looking for what we had been lacking too long in our individual relationships and miraculously finding everything we ever wanted in a friend we had always felt drawn to (we both felt this long long before anything ever happened) 

And before lots of people suggest I should get out, I can’t, I tried - I really did try to move on. When I realised how much I was struggling with how things were, I put a stop to things on a physical level, I even went on a date with someone who made me forget for a few hours how desperately sad I was, it didn’t work - my feeling only grew stronger by my MM’s completely understanding and thoughtful response to this blip. We never managed to stop talking daily - I never told him anything but the truth and we came full circle back to each other. I cannot let my love for him go, he is who I see a future with and I don’t think anything will change that unless he breaks my heart.
 

If he cannot do it, if he can’t separate from his W and change his family dynamic, then I will have to make the choice to walk away some day - and that in itself seems unthinkable. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

unless he breaks my heart.

Unfortunately he does it every hour of every day. Every time he lies to you. Every time he tells his wife he loves her. Every time he makes love to his wife. Every time he make you feel like you don't matter.

Edited January 23, 2021 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

Unfortunately, your story is remarkably textbook...

Woman in an unfulfilling relationship meets man and sees an opportunity when she hears... Doesn’t matter if he wears a ring, or shares a home, of sleeps next to his wife. He is fair game because he is “unhappy” in his marriage. 

1 hour ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

“a mutual friend referred to him as unhappily married” which may perhaps have weakened my resolve and also given me a little hope

Woman then leaves her unfulfilling relationship and things escalate with MM. Woman is quickly hooked - he is a dream come true. 

1 hour ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

We both fell for each other, hard and fast - our personalities and beliefs seem to align so well, and we were very quickly dreaming of a future together, talking into the small hours of the mornings, the first few weeks we both survived on half the amount of sleep because we just couldn’t stop talking each night. 

MM shares the intimate details of his marriage, and woman believes every single word...

1 hour ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

I know that he is not intimate with his W and hasn’t been since before we first started talking. And yes I believe him. Call me naive if you want but I know he is being honest with me.

But, the doubts start to creep in... the initial high is lost and the rollercoaster ride begins...

1 hour ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

I cry so often now - and I have never been this fragile in my life, but the constant fear that he will break my heart is always there, worry that he won’t be able to go through with separating from his W, worry that she may not let go, and could convince him to try to reconcile/rekindle their marriage. I have this constant gut wrenching feeling 

MM tries to calm your worries but planning your future together.... 

1 hour ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

He wants to have a fresh start with me in his life, he thinks about it a lot and I think worries about it a lot too, we have discussed things like finances and he has said he would continue paying towards his W/families home/rent - which I think is fair enough.

BUT - 

1 hour ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

Covid has everything on pause though, he (rightly I think) does not want to start making any changes while the stresses of the pandemic are there for the family. 

Woman is caring and understanding, willing to wait patiently... accepting of course, that he doesn’t want to stress the family... But, what of the other woman? What about her distress? Will she get what she wants in the end?

1 hour ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

After Christmas had gone by I was still very low overthinking everything and I had to ask him if he saw us being in the same position in a years time, not an ultimatum as such, more just whether he see’s himself making changes within that period. He said he hopes we will be together by that point

More excuses. Woman expects to be together, but doesn’t want to pressure MM with an ultimatum as such... she tries not to focus on the word “hopes” in the sentence when he says he “hopes” we will be together in a year... Her fears are calmed for the time being, because she knows he is still thinking about it...

And that’s enough hope for the woman to keep holding on...

1 hour ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

it is good enough to keep me going through the horrible feelings of being the OW for awhile longer.  

Because...

1 hour ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

I love him with all my heart, I can see such happiness and contentment in a future together - the kind that he does not have in his marriage, and I did not have in my past relationship. 

In fact, she went a date and that man didn’t even compare to the fantasy she has created around your MM. 

1 hour ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

I even went on a date with someone who made me forget for a few hours how desperately sad I was, it didn’t work - my feeling only grew stronger

So, she has decided that she is willing to wait as long as it takes because - he is the one... despite the fact that you’ve only known him for a handful of months... as you say, it’s unthinkable to let go.

1 hour ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

And before lots of people suggest I should get out, I can’t, I tried - I really did try to move on. I cannot let my love for him go, he is who I see a future with and I don’t think anything will change that unless he breaks my heart.

I would suggest that you read this forum and you will see that your story is not unique. 

Don’t wait too long. If he wants to be with you, he will make that happen sooner than later. Right now, I see a man who is enjoying the fantasy as much as you are but has absolutely no plan to leave his wife. He offers excuses for why he can not leave and platitudes to keep you interested. He expects you to wait indefinitely.  And, you have determined that it will be worth it...

Edited January 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[Bittersweetie]

I think you have currently projected everything you need and want in a man onto your MM. Which just feeds into the idea that he is "the one." I did this. I made my MM into my "soulmate" in my head. Looking back, I can clearly see we weren't that compatible, and that there were a lot of other things at play. But at the time I did mental gymnastics in my head in order to make him "perfect" for me and to make what I was doing okay. I get the feeling that is the case here. I think some time NC would be good for you...not necessarily forever, but for at least six months in order for you to clear your head and figure out what you really want...especially since you are coming out of a long term relationship and need to heal from that. Focus your mental energy on yourself and your own strength and healing instead of this MM right now.

 

Edited January 23, 2021 by Bittersweetie

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

I think you have currently projected everything you need and want in a man onto your MM. Which just feeds into the idea that he is "the one." I did this. I made my MM into my "soulmate" in my head. I get the feeling that is the case here.

Absolutely. There is a lot of projection happening here. 

There is a reason why people say that love is blind. New relationships are exciting, and you have most definitely been swept up into the excitement of this new relationship. Unfortunately, the reality of the situation does not support the fantasy you have created. And in time, you will learn that the reality of the man does not support the fantasy you have created. 

[Bubble_20]

I’m sorry you’re going through this but I have to, unfortunately agree with what has already been said here.
I’m coming out the other side after two years. Your story practically mirrors mine and sadly (and rather predictably if you spend some time reading the hundreds of posts before yours) is ending painfully.

The MM in my case was totally compatible in all areas, ticked all the right boxes and even though I spent a lot of time reading posts on here (a clear sign a few months back that I was feeling unstable, as you are now), I couldn’t relate to the behaviours of the MM described by other posters. I say he ticked all the boxes - apart from the most important one: available. 

What were wonderful, intoxicating, sexually and emotionally satisfying times spent together very quickly became overshadowed by anxiety. Waiting for his messages but not having the freedom to call him any time of the day. Seeing messages unread for an agonising period of time before the relief of getting a reply. Love bombing then pulling away when guilt, fear of being caught or raising suspicion were too risky. Only to be pulled back in when he missed me or felt lonely etc etc etc...

I’m not suggesting that this necessarily applies in your case but I recently discovered the term limerence and it seems to make sense for a lot of affair type relationships. It certainly was a factor in my case and unfortunately my MM (after an intense two years) has simply lost interest. Limerence and affairs in general have a shelf life. One of you will generally reach the other side first, leaving the other totally bewildered at to whats just happened. 

If you’re feeling unsettled, anxious, fearful and unsure of the future now, listen to your gut instinct and take some serious NC time out now. I wish I had done when the opportunity arose half way through mine. Foolishly, I missed him too much and reached out. He of course didn’t say no because the high of being together was too good to pass and so off we went head first back into it.

Save yourself some serious heart ache further down the line. 
I used to read the posts on here and think to myself my MM isn’t like that, what we have is different, and maybe in many ways it was. He just ‘grew out’ of our ‘relationship’ while I was still very much into it. Throw in kids, mortgages, the potential devastation to the SO and family in general and the appeal and excitement slowly become just not worth the risk or emotional investment for them. Sad but true. 
Good luck x

 

[Bubble_20]

I also wanted to add that he might be a great guy who does share your view of being together in the future. You will see a lot of negative posts on this site where MM are seen as selfish arseholes who use OW. They certainly do, of course and I know it, you know it. We all know affairs are a BAD thing and the devastation from them is well documented on here. 
But my view point is that sometimes human beings become slaves to their feelings and make monumental mistakes when love blinded. When reality seeps in, even the most amazing ‘love affair’ will begin to crumble under the work involved at making the dream a reality. I’m not criticising you, but he will start to feel the pressure of your stress and unhappiness and the responsibility of dealing with that, with the day to day turmoil in his home life with all the secrecy of the affair.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh dear. 

OP, it isn't your over-thinking or fear driving you to worry. It's your common sense. It's tapping you on the shoulder and reminding you that this isn't a sustainable situation and that it's not likely to work out the way you dream. These stories very rarely do. 

Think about it: you have spent almost no time together in person. Certainly nowhere near enough to assume that true happiness and contentment could be found with him. You have taken what is largely an "online" affair and created a fantasy life out of it, without actually knowing how compatible you two would be offline, with no distractions or obligations to anyone else. You might hit it off, or you might find that you don't mesh as well as you're currently thinking. You don't know what he's like to be around, day-to-day. You don't know what dating him really looks like, because you have never dated him. To assume you could start a life together is incredibly premature, and that would be true even if he weren't married but just some guy you haven't actually spent much time with. 

Then of course you need to be honest with yourself that trusting this man would be incredibly difficult. Sure, it might feel thrilling and great in the beginning if he finally leaves his wife for you - but then? I can almost guarantee there would be some seriously anxious times, wondering who he's texting when he's not engaging with you, wondering where he is if he goes off the radar for a few hours, wondering what he's reading on his phone that makes him smile to himself, wondering what (or who) he is thinking of when he seems distracted.  You know better than anyone the level of deception this man is capable of, and it would very likely haunt you when the initial honeymoon sparks wear off. 

I think you got carried away with how flattered and good it felt to have a man want you after 11 years in a dysfunctional relationship. No doubt you were wise to end that, but now you're seeing that reality of letting your emotions get the better of you with MM is not very good at all. You're single and available, with no clue when or even if the same will ever be true for him. Covid isn't putting your life on pause as much as you are. You are putting yourself on hold for someone who cannot have a relationship with you and may never do so. You have much more power here than you think; you're not a victim of circumstances, so to speak. Yes, Covid makes things for difficult but so does the fact that this man is, well, married. Covid cannot stop you from stepping away from something that only makes you feel good for a few fleeting moments. That's all on you. 

 

[Lorryborry]

I dont judge you or blame you.  No one has that high moral ground to do that and it's no ones business on here what anyone does.  Some will chip in with their own agendas trying to settle chips on shoulders but overall There are a number of wise contributors who do help.I'm sorry to say it but this wont go the way you want it to. If he wanted to move he would.    They want all the nice bits but not want to leave wives.  Sure he will txt and call when suits.  That's not enough for you. You deserve someones full attention.   I'd advise you although terribly difficult to tell him cut this out until hes divorced from her.  Only then can you trust him.  I'm sorry I hope I'm not being mean but I'm only thinking of your best interests.  Sending you a hug x

[Lorryborry]

The wife needs to be off the scene b4 u can trust him. Dont need the no sex with Her. He will take what she offers .  They all do. They dont tell the OW that. They want her on tap when suits.   Its the way they play.  They are only trouble 

[Hopefullynotbroken]

Sorry I now feel I need to expand even further,

This isn’t just someone random, we have spent a lot of time together in the past before covid/lockdowns etc. I know his personality very well, and no he is not perfect - then neither am I - we have both shared our less attractive traits. And I don’t believe I am in any way projecting what I want in a relationship onto this. Sure we both got prematurely carried away in fantasies back at the start, but we did both realise it. 
 

We share many common interests past the obvious and seem to so often be on the same level it actually has become an inside joke between us. 
 

He married young, to an older woman with 3 existing children that he has always seen as his as much as his biological child, he doesn’t complain about his wife directly at all, infact he is very respectful how he speaks about her, and has not tried to hide when he has needed to be there for her on an emotional level or when he has been there for him. I do believe their relationship is non intimate and has been that way for a long while. He craves a simpler life and less drama, and I do believe he and his wife have just grown apart over the years, obviously he still cares for her and for his family, but more often than not he is miserable and feels he cannot be himself at home. 

I have thought about stepping away until/unless he makes the change happen.
But I worry that stepping away entirely and not talking would only harm us both, and there is that fear - out of sight out of mind mentality. 

[Lorryborry]

38 minutes ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

Sorry I now feel I need to expand even further,

This isn’t just someone random, we have spent a lot of time together in the past before covid/lockdowns etc. I know his personality very well, and no he is not perfect - then neither am I - we have both shared our less attractive traits. And I don’t believe I am in any way projecting what I want in a relationship onto this. Sure we both got prematurely carried away in fantasies back at the start, but we did both realise it. 
 

We share many common interests past the obvious and seem to so often be on the same level it actually has become an inside joke between us. 
 

He married young, to an older woman with 3 existing children that he has always seen as his as much as his biological child, he doesn’t complain about his wife directly at all, infact he is very respectful how he speaks about her, and has not tried to hide when he has needed to be there for her on an emotional level or when he has been there for him. I do believe their relationship is non intimate and has been that way for a long while. He craves a simpler life and less drama, and I do believe he and his wife have just grown apart over the years, obviously he still cares for her and for his family, but more often than not he is miserable and feels he cannot be himself at home. 

I have thought about stepping away until/unless he makes the change happen.
But I worry that stepping away entirely and not talking would only harm us both, and there is that fear - out of sight out of mind mentality. 

I absolutely believe ye get on well and bring and I'm sure he really enjoys your company and you his.   And maybe it can work- but you will be miserable in this relationship until he is lawfully separated from wife and free to start a new relationship with you.   Hes not able to give you what you deserve.  Because hes committed at home and has you for the coping with whatever unhappiness is at home. That makes home bearable for him. And I honestly do not believe these MM are not intimate with wives.  They are not lying side by side each night with nothing going on.   I'm not getting at you here or your situation or this is not critical of you.   Iv learned alot myself lately as I have a "friebd" who I was inappropriately in EA with. But....family comes first with them.  If he cares enough for you he will not want u upset.   It could well work but at moment hes with his wife and kids. That's why you are enduring upset and anxiety.   It's just not a winning situation for you as it stands .  You are single.  He already has a family unit.   Hes not under any pressure.   Believe me I'm only thinking of you here .  I dont judge or blame you.   I'd love to see it work for you

[elaine567]

How old is he and how old are you?                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

[Bittersweetie]

1 hour ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

I have thought about stepping away until/unless he makes the change happen.
But I worry that stepping away entirely and not talking would only harm us both, and there is that fear - out of sight out of mind mentality. 

Going no contact is a chance for you to build strength and clarity, not a way to force MM to make a change. If your relationship is truly to be, MM would understand why you need that space. And he could use that time to get his own life in order. I get the "out of sight" mentality but think of it this way: if you go NC for six months, and come back to find nothing has changed, then you have your answer on where you stand. My advice remains: take some time for yourself and see where you are in six months. Good luck.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

i have thought about stepping away until/unless he makes the change happen.

That is quite simply the best thing you could ever do. 

It’s a scary thing to do, as most women feel that they will lose the relationship if they are not physically present if/when he ends his marriage...

Look, his kids are grown (his youngest is 18) - there is NOTHING keeping him there for the next year if he wanted to be with you. Sure, it’s stressful with covid but people on this board have started and ended relationships during this time, I’ve moved, life goes on... If he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you. 

Case in point, my best friend met a man and fell in love... they were both married, within a very short time they had both asked their spouses for divorces - six kids between then ranging in age from 10-20 years old. They are now together, happily readjusted after some very difficult years. But, they made it happen. 

The reason why you need to tell him it’s done until and unless he is single - that is signed divorce papers in hand, not just “I have moved out and we are separated.” - is because he has an awful lot of work to do. So do you, frankly. He has to file and settle the divorce, he has to find his own living accommodations, he has to manage the changing relationships with his wife and his children, and he has to grieve the loss of what I assume to be a long marriage. He can’t do any of that if you are in the picture. 

And if he doesn’t do these things, he is at high risk for returning home. And yes, there are people here who have literally bought homes and lived with their affair partners for years before their AP has decided to move back home... Just because he lands in your bed doesn’t mean he will stay there.

Here’s the thing on this site, and it proves true more often than not - when women have an affair they are usually looking to replace their husband with their affair partner. That is what you have done. Men, not so much... they are usually looking for “more” - love, adoration, excitement, sex... They are often quite settled at home (even if they are unhappy), and not prepared to suffer the financial loss of giving half their wealth to their spouse. So, they drag their heels by saying things like...  this is a stressful time with covid, and hopefully in a years time I will be ready to leave her...

You avoid all this drama by telling him to look you up when he has divorce papers in hand. I’ve done it (not an affair, he was separated at the time). If it’s meant to be, it will be. But, you have to be willing to let him go and risk the chance that you will lose it all...

But then again, if you have to hold on so tightly - did you even have him in the first place? In truth, despite what he may say, you don’t have him at all right now...

I would say, he will have more respect for you if you walk away. And as Bitterweetie so wisely says, it will give you both the opportunity to come together as two healthy and independent people coming together to form what has a much better chance of being a healthy long term relationship for you both. 

Edited January 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lorryborry]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

That is quite simply the best thing you could ever do. 

It’s a scary thing to do, as most women feel that they will lose the relationship if they are not physically present if/when he ends his marriage...

Look, his kids are grown (his youngest is 18) - there is NOTHING keeping him there for the next year if he wanted to be with you. Sure, it’s stressful with covid but people on this board have started and ended relationships during this time, I’ve moved, life goes on... If he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you. 

Case in point, my best friend met a man and fell in love... they were both married, within a very short time they had both asked their spouses for divorces - six kids between then ranging in age from 10-20 years old. They are now together, happily readjusted after some very difficult years. But, they made it happen. 

The reason why you need to tell him it’s done until and unless he is single - that is signed divorce papers in hand, not just “I have moved out and we are separated.” - is because he has an awful lot of work to do. So do you, frankly. He has to file and settle the divorce, he has to find his own living accommodations, he has to manage the changing relationships with his wife and his children, and he has to grieve the loss of what I assume to be a long marriage. He can’t do any of that if you are in the picture. 

And if he doesn’t do these things, he is at high risk for returning home. And yes, there are people here who have literally bought homes and lived with their affair partners for years before their AP has decided to move back home... Just because he lands in your bed doesn’t mean he will stay there.

Here’s the thing on this site, and it proves true more often than not - when women have an affair they are usually looking to replace their husband with their affair partner. That is what you have done. Men, not so much... they are usually looking for “more” - love, adoration, excitement, sex... They are often quite settled at home (even if they are unhappy), and not prepared to suffer the financial loss of giving half their wealth to their spouse. So, they drag their heels by saying things like...  this is a stressful time with covid, and hopefully in a years time I will be ready to leave her...

You avoid all this drama by telling him to look you up when he has divorce papers in hand. I’ve done it (not an affair, he was separated at the time). If it’s meant to be, it will be. But, you have to be willing to let him go and risk the chance that you will lose it all...

But then again, if you have to hold on so tightly - did you even have him in the first place? In truth, despite what he may say, you don’t have him at all right now...

I would say, he will have more respect for you if you walk away. And as Bitterweetie so wisely says, it will give you both the opportunity to come together as two healthy and independent people coming together to form what has a much better chance of being a healthy long term relationship for you both. 

Always decent advice from Bailey xx.  It's so hard but yes....if its meant to be he will do it right. Theres so much to sort.  I'm only learning about these MM now ha ha late in life.  I totally agree that they want ow to help them stay put at home.  And money is alot of it why they stay and children.   It's very complicated to break up a marriage so they will take easy route. They have their wife and family in situ and ow usually loses out pining over these guys.    There may be gr8 connection and chemistry but it doesnt mean much if they are in family home and still married 

[Hopefullynotbroken]

After the mention of Limerence I was at first worried upon reading into it, since a few things stood out as true, but I just took a deeper delve and tried a quiz that is suppose to be able to tell the difference between infatuation and love. I scored way way in favour of love not Limerence.

I don’t know what I am going to do, but doing a lot of thinking - and talking to him aswell. 
Only time will tell

[Michsoul]

Hi. Sounds a lot like what I have just gone through. The more I read those stories the more I belive it is really textbook stuff :-((. I have broken up because of the endless waiting around, him not leaving although keeps saying his is working on it. Been several weeks no contact and it is hard (brain chemicals withdrawal symptoms :-((). But they dont leave, thats the hard fact to swallow. The last few dates he was justy crying and appologizing. But at the end of the day they don´t want us. They would be here with us now if they did. I will never ever get involved with a taken man. But like you, we fell in love. I know its hard for you!!! .I still struggle every day. But I HAVE TO move on. Good luck to you!!! x

[ExpatInItaly]

22 hours ago, Hopefullynotbroken said:

This isn’t just someone random, we have spent a lot of time together in the past before covid/lockdowns etc. I know his personality very well, and no he is not perfect - then neither am I - we have both shared our less attractive traits. And I don’t believe I am in any way projecting what I want in a relationship onto this. Sure we both got prematurely carried away in fantasies back at the start, but we did both realise it. 

None of that really changes my initial response to this. 

You still have never dated him properly (have you?) You don't know him in the context of a romantic relationship and what being his partner is actually like. Yes, you have common interests. That is great but pretty basic stuff, relationship-wise. There is so much more you have no way of knowing about him unless and until you're in a real relationship with him, 24-7. (Nobody does) 

What you do know? He does not take honesty, transparency, respect or marriage vows seriously. He is the type who acts to serve his own interests, first and foremost. His respectful words about his wife are rather meaningless, in light of his actions. 

You would be taking an enormous gamble with this man. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You still have never dated him properly (have you?) You don't know him in the context of a romantic relationship and what being his partner is actually like. Yes, you have common interests. That is great but pretty basic stuff, relationship-wise. There is so much more you have no way of knowing about him unless and until you're in a real relationship with him, 24-7. (Nobody does) 

What you do know? He does not take honesty, transparency, respect or marriage vows seriously. He is the type who acts to serve his own interests, first and foremost. His respectful words about his wife are rather meaningless, in light of his actions. 

Which is why the advice to leave him and have him come to you when he is divorced is good advice. 

First, it allows him to do the right thing by his wife. What he’s doing now is not kind. He may feel that he is doing her some kind of favour by staying but it’s actually very hurtful to stay in a marriage while his attention is directed elsewhere. If he does not want to be married anymore, he needs to take responsibility for that decision, tell her honestly, and do what is required to end the marriage. IF he is serious about divorce, to drag it out indefinitely is not fair to anyone. 

That then allows you the opportunity date as single, available people and get to know each other in the context of a romantic relationship. None of this heightened excitement, sneaking around, texting for hours a day, heady emotions affair stuff. Real life - he takes you on a date, you cook him dinner, he’s tired from work, you are sick and in a bad mood, he’s stressed about his finances because of his divorce... Then, you see how much you love each other (because right now what you are feeling is infatuation). 

He’s not likely to want to do that because it’s a big gamble for him as he has much to lose... You are both gambling here...

Edited January 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

He’s not likely to want to do that because it’s a big gamble for him as he has much to lose... You are both gambling here...

Sorry, I should have said that he is not likely to do that because it puts a lot of responsibility on his shoulders. He has to disappoint his wife and his kids. He has to do the hard work of divorce and setting up a home for himself. He has to deal with the stress, the loneliness, and the grief of ending a long term marriage and leaving the family home. And, he doesn’t have you to lean on, to tell him how wonderful he is and how it will be worth all the stress. He has to really want to do it - to give it all up for the “hope” of a better future... That’s a huge gamble... Which is why so many people like to monkey branch from one relationship to another. They want that security. It’s much easier if you are going to something... if you have a safety net. It’s essentially what you have done with your exit affair. Unfortunately, it’s neither a healthy way to either end a marriage or start a new relationship - which is part of the reason why these relationships are at greater risk of failing. 

Edited January 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lorryborry]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Sorry, I should have said that he is not likely to do that because it puts a lot of responsibility on his shoulders. He has to disappoint his wife and his kids. He has to do the hard work of divorce and setting up a home for himself. He has to deal with the stress, the loneliness, and the grief of ending a long term marriage and leaving the family home. And, he doesn’t have you to lean on, to tell him how wonderful he is and how it will be worth all the stress. He has to really want to do it - to give it all up for the “hope” of a better future... That’s a huge gamble... Which is why so many people like to monkey branch from one relationship to another. They want that security. It’s much easier if you are going to something... if you have a safety net. It’s essentially what you have done with your exit affair. Unfortunately, it’s neither a healthy way to either end a marriage or start a new relationship - which is part of the reason why these relationships are at greater risk of failing. 

When you list out all that's involved you can see why most mm dont want to do it. It's a very big deal. And of course it's better if they have someone to go to. Just listing it all out makes it obvious why alot of mm wont leave. Not saying they dont but that's why a small % leave.  Not referring to the posters situation at all. Generally speaking.  Gosh they should teach kids in school to never go near attached ppl like never get in car with strangers.  It's a whole arena on it's own that we dont know much about until we are sucked in.  Gosh Bailey these mm cause so much hassle. 

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If you’re not sharing your unhappiness with your mom then maybe you should ask yourself why. My mom was my dearest friend as an adult. When the worst pain I’ve ever felt happened (losing a child) I put on a brave face for her. I could feel her pain and instinctively knew that my pain equaled her pain.  I didn’t cry to her or reach out as I would normally have for support because I couldn’t bare to add to her pain. You know your dear mom wouldn’t agree if this was causing you pain because she wants the best for you. Maybe you should share your thoughts with her and listen to her advice.