12 years alone. Still traumatised by the ex-girlfriend from all that time ago

[kivan3x]

some days it hits me so hard. 

the love was so intense, but so was the pain.

how can this much time pass without meeting someone new.  It has to be as good as that one was, yet it can't have any of the awful things that relationship did. Two impossible caveats, especially when united.  I'm terrified of people's pasts as hers hurt me so much. I hate myself because I know it shouldn't. I hate being this judgemental, I am so liberal in every other way. Girlfriend 1 (when I was 17) left me for the guy that raped her before she was with me. Girlfriend 2 was extremely promiscuous before meting me (aged 20) but I was relatively cool with it (it's not for me to judge I know I know I hate myself) but everything I might have worried about her having done, became manifest in girlfriend no.3, when I was 23-30. Sex with people she didn't know at all, then she got drunk took a load of pills and was raped, then another time got drunk took a load of pills and had sex with two guys, maybe it was consensual, maybe not, she didn't know, couldn't remember, probably not, then had sex with someone in/after? a club, without even knowing their name etc etc. I had such awful nightmares when I was with her, couldn't sleep. How can someone so beautiful and so loving do such base things? How can I not be terrified of someone's past?  I am now effing 42. I guess I deserve to be alone, but it hurts and I don't know how to stop wanting to Love someone and be loved again.  I'm usually ok, I just get on with life, but sometimes the loneliness hurts so much, and then days like today all that awful stuff from the girl who loved me more than anything or anyone comes back to haunt me. 

[d0nnivain]

My heart breaks for you.  But something is off with your picker & you need to find out why you are attracted to these broken promiscuous women.  You may have a white knight complex & like to see yourself as saving these women. 

Have you ever explored this through therapy? 

[kivan3x]

thank you for the reply d0nnivain, it's appreciated. Ah well back in those days, open minded as I believed I was, it wasn't really about their pasts,  they didn't come across as broken or promiscuous.. those were the party days and we just fell in love! however I am really not an alpha male and I do think that what attracted them to me was me not being one, as maybe they'd had enough of alpha males, those who actively try it on, and worse. But it's been so long, I don't know. I really think I should try therapy, but it seems alien and unaffordable, and while I like to think "I just haven't met anyone", something is holding me back (fear?), it's an unnatural amount of time and it's hurt for too long. thanks again x

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, kivan3x said:

I guess I deserve to be alone, but it hurts and I don't know how to stop wanting to Love someone and be loved again.

You don’t deserve to be alone. Stop telling yourself that. 

The simple truth - you made some very bad decisions. You chose the wrong women, as was said above you absolutely went for the broken and promiscuous women - three times. Learn that lesson.... lest you be destined to repeat it, again. 

In the future, you need to be more discerning about the women you allow into your life. You need to think with your head - not only your heart. When you see these kinds of red flags, learn to walk away...

But, it starts by ending this negative track that runs in your head that says you deserve to be alone and will never find love. That has been a self fulfilling prophecy for the past 12 years... counselling would be the single best thing you could do for yourself. Even if you don’t find love, if you were able to gain more insight and find peace and happiness for yourself - that alone would be worth it. 

Edited January 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Did you actually choose these women or did they in fact choose you?

[d0nnivain]

19 minutes ago, kivan3x said:

 I really think I should try therapy, but it seems alien and unaffordable,

Therapy is a little weird . . .opening yourself up to a stranger.  But remember, this is a non-judgmental medical professional.  It's kind of like having to get undressed at the regular doctor. 

With Covid there are now tons of affordable video apps & therapy where you video chat with the therapist from your house.  Give it a try. 

Maybe try being a little more judgmental.  There is a pattern here of women who were shall we say "free spirits" so if you learn of that pattern walk away.  Find somebody who was more discrete in her choices, not necessarily a virgin but maybe somebody who hasn't sowed quite as many wild oats. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, kivan3x said:

then days like today all that awful stuff from the girl who loved me more than anything or anyone comes back to haunt me. 

It’s something that you see this as love, because I would call it abuse. The actions you describe above are self abusive and also abusive to a partner. You had nightmares and could not sleep when you were in this relationship - that is your body telling you that something is wrong. She may have said she loved you, but her actions are not consistent with her words. And when that happens, you pay attention to the actions.

Edited January 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[kivan3x]

@BaileyB oh no all this stuff happened before she met me. She'd come out of her first long term childhood sweetheart relationship, he moved on quickly which I guess was painful, then she was raped by the guy who'd put her up in his house (she is from another country, she'd come here to the UK I guess to start over) got her pregnant and then she had to have an abortion. effing horrible. and thereafter she was in a cycle of punishing herself  by drinking and popping pills and putting herself in these horrible and dangerous situations. But it wasn't the real her, it was her punishing herself. Then she met me. She was never anything but loving to me. We were so compatible, she was/should have been my soul mate. We loved the same food, music, film, ...weird amazing sex, everything. I should have been able to put her past behind me as testament to the depth of our love, but i couldn't for all the years we were together.. 8 years! and if I wasn't bringing it up and throwing it in her face, I was suppressing it and miserable, which was just as bad. I hurt her so much, she did not deserve it. ultimately she left me to spare me that pain that I couldn't move on from. 

but you're right and @d0nnivain thanks I guess I should look into therapy/counselling. But I look into it (online) get a few pages into a questionnaire, and feel stupid and selfish, as I do now tbh. I have plenty to be grateful for, to have the love I have had. Some don't ever get to love, and here I am whining.  

@elaine567ah it was just old school youthful falling in Love. I mean I guess I kind of have a rule that I won't fall for someone unless they like me but is it not kinda moot now as it's been so long I can't blame anyone but me now 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, kivan3x said:

I should have been able to put her past behind me as testament to the depth of our love, but i couldn't for all the years we were together.. 8 years! and if I wasn't bringing it up and throwing it in her face, I was suppressing it and miserable, which was just as bad.

Sorry, I didn’t understand your first post.

Yes, it appears that therapy is most definitely in order. This was not a healthy relationship for you, and your behavior made it neither a safe or healthy relationship for her. 

[kivan3x]

57 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Sorry, I didn’t understand your first post.

Yes, it appears that therapy is most definitely in order. This was not a healthy relationship for you, and your behavior made it neither a safe or healthy relationship for her. 

No please don't apologise, my bad, I was very unclear. On a bad day, all that love we had comes back to bite me, all these years later. On an awful day, it's all that horrible stuff that happened to her and that she did that does, and today was one of those days. So I guess that's why I came in from that angle, sorry.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, you're way overdue for therapy. And a tip: almost certainly your pain originates not with this one ex and your pain (and pleasure) with her. We all get disappointed and hurt in love at some point. That you are stuck suggests there are some other issues, most likely affecting multiple areas of your life, blocking you from moving forward. Probably there's some family history that shaped you and your current fears--and you're simply unaware of that. (So easy to miss how family dynamics affect us.)

Good luck. You can work through this--trust me. 

[kivan3x]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Dude, you're way overdue for therapy. And a tip: almost certainly your pain originates not with this one ex and your pain (and pleasure) with her. We all get disappointed and hurt in love at some point. That you are stuck suggests there are some other issues, most likely affecting multiple areas of your life, blocking you from moving forward. Probably there's some family history that shaped you and your current fears--and you're simply unaware of that. (So easy to miss how family dynamics affect us.)

Good luck. You can work through this--trust me. 

ah wow, that hit a nerve. thanks for the reply. you're right there's something deeper that needs solving. I mean family life was very tumultuous growing up, but I thought I was at peace with it all and things are so good with my family now .. but I wonder. I've been thinking about it a lot recently, going back to one of my first relationships me aged 17 and having to deal with her experience of rape. isn't that enough to be the root cause of everything that followed? I was effectively a child, and what a monstrous thing to deal with. I was plotting murder, obsessed with revenge where there was no justice. that can't have been healthy, I remember the terror, the horror at night as it all spun around my head, was that where the insomnia and everything started? but even then if I think about it, my angst was always a thing and definitely went back way earlier, even before her:( 

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, kivan3x said:

I was plotting murder, obsessed with revenge where there was no justice. that can't have been healthy, I remember the terror, the horror at night as it all spun around my head, was that where the insomnia and everything started? but even then if I think about it, my angst was always a thing and definitely went back way earlier, even before her:( 

Respectfully, this is an exaggerated response. Without a doubt, it’s not easy that you and your partner were having to deal with a traumatic event during your formative years when you did not have the tools to understand and cope with such a horrific event... Still, your response as written here in addition to the eight years you tortured yourself and your partner seem to be very exaggerated. All well and good, you perhaps fall on the more emotional and excitable end of the spectrum of human emotion... but when it starts to interfere with your sleep, your ability form relationships, and just generally function as a well balanced person  - that’s when it is a problem for you and that’s when you start looking for a really good therapist. Good luck. 

Edited January 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

Dealing with a partner who was raped (during the relationship, I assume?) wasn't exactly good for your mental health. But no, you've got problems beyond this, again, most likely going back to your family and growing up. 

Rape hits the victim with trauma and serious trauma. Rape victims suffer PTSD at rates much higher than soldiers returning from war. But I would bet that this ex has moved forward in her life--unlike you. You had indirect trauma or vicarious trauma, not the same and no, that wouldn't explain you being paralyzed for 12 years.

Most people would have recovered on their own in a few years after the previous relationship. So something is blocking you. 

 

 

[Watercolors]

@kivan3xNot sure what you need from your OP, it's not very clear what you're asking feedback for. Do you need reassurance, therapy recommendations? 

 

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

But I would bet that this ex has moved forward in her life--unlike you.

As evidenced by this... She left because you couldn’t deal with her past. She should have left because what you did to her was not fair, but if this is true she thought you were having a more difficult time dealing with the trauma than she was...

7 hours ago, kivan3x said:

ultimately she left me to spare me that pain that I couldn't move on from. 

 

[kivan3x]

with both exes, it happened before they were with me. you're all correct, they moved on, or could deal with it. I couldn't. Yes she should have left me. Or I should have been able to deal with it sooner / better. 

I guess the reason I posted this is every now and then it resurfaces and is overwhelming, and I need yeah I guess some reassurance, and to just have it unbottled a bit, or find some answers, or just hear another voice.

Mostly I am ok and positive and happy but sometimes it all feels so hopeless and painful. 

thanks/sorry x

Edited January 25, 2021 by kivan3x

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, cut the "I'm ok and positive." We know you're not 100 percent miserable. But you are not living life as you want to live. So, go work on this. What's the hesitation and lock?

 

[chillii]

15 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

My heart breaks for you.  But something is off with your picker & you need to find out why you are attracted to these broken promiscuous women.  You may have a white knight complex & like to see yourself as saving these women. 

Have you ever explored this through therapy? 

 

Yep it was all over it reading your post op. looks aren't everything just bc she was beautiful so what, or she was , or she was, that means zero as to her character, zero, actually it often makes for even worse character . Your choosing terrible women my friend , awful and that;s something you really need to figure or with some help.

 

 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

You are stuck on the past in a very unhealthy way.  You shouldn't still be ruminating about ex girlfriends from decades ago.  You really do need to get into therapy.

[Cookiesandough]

It looks like you did have romantic feelings( past posts) but they were not a mutual to say the least. You cannot blame that solely on your past relationships. There might be something else on the play. Sometimes we let our past define us too much instead of seeing what we can work on here and now to attain our goals 

[d0nnivain]

22 hours ago, kivan3x said:

but you're right and @d0nnivain thanks I guess I should look into therapy/counselling. But I look into it (online) get a few pages into a questionnaire, and feel stupid and selfish, as I do now tbh. I have plenty to be grateful for, to have the love I have had. Some don't ever get to love, and here I am whining.  

You are not whining.  Stop thinking that getting therapy makes you ungrateful for the blessing you do have. 

Look at it this way, if you have a car & it starts to make a noise, you get it tuned up.  You don't say I won't take it to the mechanic because I should be grateful I have a car at all not whine that it is not running optimally. 

[salparadise]

16 hours ago, kivan3x said:

You're right there's something deeper that needs solving. I mean family life was very tumultuous growing up, but I thought I was at peace with it all...

Tell us exactly what was tumultuous about your family life growing up. I’m sure it’s affecting your relationships and anxieties.  

[kivan3x]

thanks all, input much appreciated, but I think I'll leave it there please. I will look into therapy, that's seems to be the only way to go. Much love.

k

[MihiranCG]

Is that your First ever true💜️ love?