I'm left hanging, I think

[SadCat1980]

Hi, my first post. I'll try not to make it too long.

I was seeing a lovely woman. My first relationship after my devastating split with the mother of my kids in 2018 after 13 years together. I don't know that I saw it lasting, at least for the first few months. We lived an hour apart and had very little time to see each other in person because of kids and other circumstances. The pandemic has only made it worse.  But friends, even my counsellor, told me not to over-think it.  Just enjoy one another, blah blah blah.  And if I'm honest, I was being careful to preserve my independence and give myself space to remain focused on my kids and building myself up again. We met 18 months after my major break up. I wasn't ready to get serious too quickly or move 50 miles to where she lived while my kids lived with me half the time and were at school.  My new girlfriend didn't make any demands in that respect either.  She didn't talk about marriage or getting really serious, but I know she hated that I wasn't there more and used to get really low about it - perhaps enough that it freaked me out a bit.

Nonetheless, we adored each other.  The sex was amazing and the best either of us had had, we said. It meant a lot to me because my ex had controlled our sex life and left me damaged through it. I loved having someone out there.  We spoke daily, often several times, texting and sexting.  She was very keen to hear from me as much as possible.  I was more relaxed but I rolled with it.  I loved dating her - dinner, walks, we went away together.  But we almost never got more than one night together and sometimes it was as little as 12 hours.

I'm trying to be honest with myself.  I had reservations. I couldn't see it working long term.  i wasn't sure I'd be grow with this person.  But I was probably guilty of picking holes in her because she was really very special.  And it wasn't that I never imagined a future with her.  I did and I loved it.  But it was years away.  Our kids have only just started High School and I wouldn't have moved mine away from their mum.

She started getting very low in the Autumn.  It was obvious that she had some serious unresolved issues, in spite of seeming very calm and together.  There as a huge void.  Her and her ex husband had problems with drugs and he was abusive, jealous and controlling. She'd been on anti depressants.  And yet they were still quite close and the lack of proper boundaries bothered me.  It was a red flag that I chose to overlook.  I was also really down around this time.  I was worried the relationship wasn't working for me, but I had wider issues with my kids and actually feeling quite lonely.  The relationship was just one thing.  After a weekend together she began to withdraw and eventually asked for a break.  I thought it might be good to have some space to think.  But it didn't take long for her to come back to me. She said she felt better and wanted to keep seeing me.  I made more effort to get to hers and the intimacy was as good as ever. But when I wasn't there it was obvious that things had cooled.  I began to think about protecting myself. And then over Xmas she was back to her old self and seemed happy again.  She stayed on Boxing day.  The love was the best.  2 days later she called and ended it.  Said it wasn't the same and she couldn't fix it.  Couldn't tell me more than that.

I let her go, but within a few days I was in a mess.  I tried to stay strong but admitted to her how badly I was hurting when she texted to thank me for a jumper I'd posted back to her a week later.  A week after that she texted to say she was hurting and hoped we could go out when the hurt had gone and the pandemic was over.  So I called her and we talked.  She said I'd done nothing wrong. it was all her issues and she felt she couldn't carry on with our relationship right now and didn't want to hurt me any more.  It made me feel like we were on hold and we exchanged a couple of emails later.  She's since gone for counselling but we haven't spoken.  We exchanged a couple of polite texts about a book I sent her and she confirmed she'd been to counselling, but she didn't ask about me or say much else.  And then I got a card from her on my birthday last week in which she said she wished she could've been here and looked forward to when we could go out.

It's been 4 weeks since what I'd call the proper break up. I'm stronger - I'm doing stuff around the house, cycling, making plans,  and it isn't affecting my work.  But I still hurt very very badly.  I see a counsellor.  I talk to friends an family.  I read article after article.  I'm working on abandonment issues and will be working on self-esteem after that along with meditation and mindfulness.  But I still feel in limbo.  After the split with the mother of my kids I read so much.  I'd been through several painful splits before and suffered some painful rejections when I was younger that have stuck with me.  I don't feel I can let go yet.  I don't know whether I'm waiting or being messed around.  I have a rule about making contact if I've been dumped. No-one wants to hear from a clingy, snivelling ex begging for them to come back!  But I'm left hanging here.

I'm sure she wouldn't mean to mess me around but perhaps isn't brave enough to tell me it's truly over or brave enough to let me go. I know that my self-esteem has taken a big hit too. I had no sexual confidence whatsoever but sex was amazing with her and I was totally relaxed with her. I had become emotionally dependant on her, and yet I know it wasn't solving my problems, only making it worse because I was avoiding them.  I know I have much work to do on myself.

Sorry, it's turned into a bit of a shameful rant of self pity.  But there it is.

Edited January 24, 2021 by SadCat1980

[Ellener]

8 minutes ago, SadCat1980 said:

Sorry, it's turned into a bit of a shameful rant of self pity. 

I thought it was anything but, you have great insight into yourself and the situation. Give it time, keep doing the positive things.

((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))

[FMW]

It's absolutely normal to have problems accepting the ending of a relationship, even if you knew if probably wasn't the best fit for you in the long run.  Since it was the first relationship you were in after the ending of your marriage it makes it even harder.  The contrasts between the old unhappiness and new excitement make you attach more quickly and want to hold on tighter.  

36 minutes ago, SadCat1980 said:

I had become emotionally dependant on her, and yet I know it wasn't solving my problems, only making it worse because I was avoiding them.  I know I have much work to do on myself.

Try to focus on that now, on you and coming to terms with things from the past.  Face the issues head on, don't avoid them anymore.  

38 minutes ago, SadCat1980 said:

She said I'd done nothing wrong. it was all her issues and she felt she couldn't carry on with our relationship right now and didn't want to hurt me any more.  It made me feel like we were on hold

Don't hold on to the "right now" part of her statement, you have to look at things as being over, period,  and reach acceptance.  Otherwise, you are keeping yourself on hold.  

It sounds like you both have things to deal with before being ready for a healthy relationship.  See this relationship as proof that you can and will love someone else in the future and put your energy into making sure that you are in a good place for that in the future.  

Time really does heal.  You can minimize the amount of time needed by keeping your eye on healing, not holding on to her.  

[SadCat1980]

Thank you both for your replies.  I appreciate them.  It's late here in the UK so I'm going to sleep on it and see how I feel on a work day.  I've been progressing but this weekend has somehow been really painful, really bad, and I'm not thinking rationally.  I actually wrote out an email to her asking for some closure but had no intention of sending it.  But I'm tempted. What's made it hard is that she was patently crazy about me and always excited for days if I were meeting up.  I don't know when that changed but to lose that is just so painful.  Perhaps I took it too much for granted, even if her change of heart wasn't my fault.   Physically, I know it's like an addiction and this is my withdrawal, and it's tough.  

FMW, I know what you say is right but it much it hurts to hear tonight.  Even if she's hurting like I am, it's broken now.  It's been broken for a while. Sometimes I can tell myself that.  But sometimes - like tonight - I just can't.  (you're also right that it was a total contrast to the 13 years before it.  I was wanted again and I wanted her. And she was beautiful and I couldn't take my eyes off her.  I never had a partner who I really wanted to hug and hold and touch like that. But in many other ways, she wasn't a match for my ex.  But let's not get into too many comparisons!)

 

Thanks again.

Edited January 24, 2021 by SadCat1980