How to get the girl I love back

[sadbunny]

Hi,

I'm new here - but since I can't seem to do anything other than think about my situation, I thought I would post here to see if I may be able to get some honest, constructive advice.

Problem: My girlfriend of 1 year (with a few bumps in between) broke up with me

Why? I broke her trust and although she forgives me, she is unable to get past what I did

 

Background

I'm still a relatively 'young adult', and met this girl through university. We got on straight away and clicked - we spent loads of time together and things went really well, if a little quick. We were saying we loved each other within a month or so. 

I then got inside my own head and got scared, hurt and affected by a previous relationship that was psychologically abusive - I panicked and stopped telling her I loved her, but continued in the relationship - we worked through this. 

I became distant over the lockdown, and, the more we spent apart, I felt the relationship drifting away. After about 3 months of not seeing each other, we met up to end things. However, as soon as it happened, in that moment, I realised that wasn't what I wanted, that I was being foolish, and that I did want to be with her. She took some time to think about it, and after about 5 days we met up and decided we should try again. Things went well.

It was definitely tough given the heavy restrictions of the UK lockdown - as we don't live together and the people I was living with took the measures extremely seriously. 

Some more months past, and - for some, stupid, unbelievably stupid reason - I took her for granted and downloaded Tinder. It wasn't because I wanted to seek out a new relationship or even look for casual sex. That was not my motivation and I can truly hand-on-heart say that. It was a stupid form of entertainment - I would swipe through just looking at profiles and occasionally sending a stupid joke to get a reaction. That was all. I have absolutely no idea why I didn't stop and think - 'Hey, this is emotionally cheating on your partner' - but for some stupid reason I didn't.

My girlfriend saw the app on my phone one time. Yep. I told her that it was just something I had, and being the beautiful person she is, still stood by me on the premise that I delete it. So I did. And we moved on, and I started to tell her I loved her. I really did have feelings for her - and I always did - I just got scared and put my walls up. But I started to feel so comfortable around her. I was still sexually and emotionally attracted to her. I've also met her parents and we got on really well.

One night I saw a funny Tik Tok video of someone's Tinder account - and for some incomprehensible reason I thought it would be funny to download the app again, and replicate the same funny message. That was as far as it went. But, because I had been active on the app, my profile was visible to others for 7 days. It so happened that my partner's friend was on Tinder, and my profile was suggested to her. So obviously the friend told my partner and it broke her heart. I was a complete and utter idiot and I fully recognise and acknowledge that - to make it clear, I blame no one except myself for being so stupid. 

I promised I would never-ever use the app again, deleted all traces. She said we could move on. I loved her so much and knew that I wouldn't get any more chances. But, as the weeks went by, it was clear that something was still bothering her. Then, in a sudden whirlwind, she asked to meet, and told me she in fact couldn't get past what I had done, despite wanting to, and that we needed to break up. I begged her to forgive me - she said she did and knew I was sorry - and that she still loved me - but that she can't stop thinking about what I did - how I broke her trust, and thus we can't be together.

We saw each other one more time since, I of course explained how important she was to me, how much I loved her - and she told me she did still love me too. We are still very much in love, but we can't be together because of my stupid actions. We didn't end on bad terms at all, it was just intensely sad. She promised that if her mind and thoughts changed, and she was ready to move past it, she wouldn't hesitate to call me. When we said goodbye we still told each other we loved each other, and she said to me, 'we aren't saying goodbye, it's just, see ya'. Both crying our eyes out, I left for work - and that was the last time I saw her or had any contact. I'm still not 100% how to interpret this.

This was only 3 days ago I should add - so it's still very fresh. 

I know how much of an absolute idiot I was - I don't know why I behaved in such a stupid, destructive way, and I can't stop myself from hating myself for making the worst mistake of my life. That girl was everything to me - perfect in every way - and I threw it away. I love her with all my heart and I want to spend my life with her. In every moment I'm not thinking about how stupid I was, I'm dreaming of a future together.

So that brings you up to speed, thanks for reading this far if you have. I need some advice and guidance now, if you could offer anything; do you think I still have a chance of being back with her? I know this is not something I can instigate. She needs the time and space to heal and I fully intend to let that happen. But I can't get over how stupid I was for throwing away the one bit of stability in my life that made me truly happy. I should add - I'm not self-dependent on her for happiness - I have a loving family and friends (whom I live with), and a really great job doing what I love. I just know that she is the one I want to be with.

Where do I go from here? Do you think, given time, she might be able to forgive me, trust me again, get past it, want to be with me? I know I should try to move on but I just can't stop thinking about her and getting myself upset. I don't want to even imagine myself with anyone else - I will obviously never ever be using any sort of dating app ever again. I love her and I just wish I could get one more chance to take the relationship seriously and give her the world like she deserves.

Please help in anyway you can.

--sadbunny

[Wiseman2]

Let the dust settle, let her process and reflect. Keep in mind on/off tumultuous relationships like this indicate deeper issues, either in one or both of you. Stay no contact and remove  her from your social media.

[d0nnivain]

For now, with the lockdown & everything else, I'm not sure how you would go about winning her back.   When things ease up again & you can regularly see each other, perhaps if in person learning ever resumes you could make amends but for now. . .it will be tough. 

I'm a big believer that flowers do a nice job of demonstrating remorse but you don't want to spend a ton of money or be viewed as trying to buy her.  

A short (less than 1 page) hand written apology note sent though the post, may be an option.  A text or email won't cut it. You need the personal touch & you can't ramble.  

Put it in your own words but I'd say something along the lines of: 

Dear {her name}: 

I royally screwed up.  I downloaded that stupid app out of boredom.  Covid cabin fever has made everything about life so hard.  I miss you.  I was immature & I'm really sorry.  I told you I would delete it & I did.  I won't do it again.  I wish the world would open up again & we could spend time together safely.  If things had been normal this would not have happened.  Please believe me & give me another chance. 

What can I do to earn back your trust?  

Love,  sadbunny

I don't know if that will work. I probably won't.  But at least you can say you tried.  

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, sadbunny said:

Do you think, given time, she might be able to forgive me, trust me again, get past it, want to be with me? 

No, sorry. 

She gave you several chances and you blew every single one. There is no coming back from this. It's too much. 

[Foxhall]

Might be retrievable perhaps yet,

valentines day delivery special flowers with a nice card and you could try the note as suggested above.

[tart6245]

The best thing you can do is write her and see if she is willing to respond. I managed to push away a girl I loved more than anything over the last month or so of our relationship and I beat myself up every day about that. I have not decided what to do in terms of trying to get her back, but I think a short letter is a good start. Flowers could work if that is something you've done before, but if not, I wouldn't do it now. 

[trident_2020]

Who knows if it's not fixable? Everyone's got their dealbreakers and it's also a matter of how much she really loves you and if this Tinder thing was just one of a bunch of other things that bother her that you might not even be aware of.

When I first dated my girlfriend and we declared exclusivity I still kept an "alter-ID" on one of the dating websites. Why? I don't know I never intended to cheat on her, I just sort of liked "window shopping" or maybe it was my way of avoiding full commitment or whatever. Anyway she became aware of the second user ID and confronted me about it and I told her what I just wrote here and although she was a bit uncomfortable having been cheated on in the past by one or more ex's, she ultimately let it go, and once in a while we joke about it but she knows I am honest and reliable and she has no issues with it.

In your case.. she seems very reluctant to trust you and it's hard to say exactly why. Seems like more than 2 Tinder App incidents but there's nothing else to go on.

[Bellabeauty]

Personally, I wouldn't be able to trust you again. My guess is that she never fully believed or trusted you the first time you made a Tinder account "for jokes and laughs." I wouldn't have either. But, she loved you enough to forgive you and move on. Then, you did it again. At that point, there's no way it's just for jokes and laughs. At least thats now how I'd interpret it. I recently complained about my boyfriend using Snapchat to sext and purchase nudes from women. I broke it off with him and told him I'd take him back if he deleted the app and never did it again. But, if I caught him doing it a second time and he attempted to say he was doing it for jokes or to send his friends funny memes. Heeeelll naaaaah. I would smash his phone and be on my way. 

TBH you sound a lot like me. You have your walls up and my guess is you made Tinder in case she cheated or left you. So at least you have an easy way out of the relationship and some potential candidates on your online Rolodex. I had an issue with this too. You have to work on yourself and feel secure enough in yourself and in your partner to be able to fully commit and not cross any boundaries like that again.

I mean if you really, really think she's the one for you and you're not just playing with her head and heart, if you truly know in your heart you can be 100% faithful and will knock it off, no dating apps, or hitting up women on social media "for jokes and laughs," I'd say let her sit for a minute. Maybe a week or two. Then text or email her a long, heartfelt apology. DO NOT RATIONALIZE what you did!!! Do not say it was because you didn't have a mother or your ex cheated or she didn't give you enough attention. Repeatedly apologize, appreciate, and let her know everything you are willing to do to make it work. From there the ball will be in her court. 

[vla1120]

If you really do care about her, I think you have some work to do on yourself before you try to get her to go down the trust path with you again. You knew your actions were hurtful to her, but you did it anyway - twice. I understand the difficulty of overcoming a psychologically abusive relationship and how it can adversely affect every other relationship moving forward. Even if she decides not to give you another chance, you'll need to address that issue before you'll be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone moving forward. 

Perhaps, along with those flowers and other acts of love, you could express to her that your intent moving forward is to address that abusive relationship so that it will not creep its way into your relationship with her.