Hurting Husband Sending out an S.O.S.

[Gyroe1970]

I'm a 50 year old man. I was married the first time, had kids and my wife decided she didnt want to be in the marriage anymore.  We divorced, 3 years went by with me be ok with being a single dad and just being there for my kids.  A special woman came into my life when I was looking for anyone and stole my heart. We married, had a child together, she had a young child when we met as well. 12 years of raising kids and loving and being loved like I never have been before. She is my soul mate. I've always been true and loyal to her and I adore her.

Then came December 2019, she was distant and short with me. She disappeared for awhile on Christmas when she took my step son to his dads for Christmas. She didnt come right back. It bothered me but I didnt know what to do about it.  She grew quieter and more distant but I kept loving her and we had our good days too but something was wrong.  Every January near the anniversary of her Mothers death (2005) she withdrawls from me but this year it was all month long.

I had a feeling in my gut I was missing something.  She happened to leave her chromebook on when she left for work on Jan 29 2019. I opened it up and her facebook account was open with a message box popup from a guy she knew in school.  I read there conversation with surges of adrenaline and hurt pulsing through my body.  It was a conversation that referred to a sexting event they had that night before while i was at work.( I was working night shift).  I called her at work and told her what I found. She immediately rushed home.  She was remorseful and we had a painful conversation about it all.  I asked to see her phone and i put a spy app on it to see what else she was up to.  I found that she had been texting another guy since december, but the texts were erased.  I asked her if she knew the guys name. She looked me in the eye and said no ive never heard of that person.

I said I was going to text this other guy and see if he knew her.  She went to the bathroom sometime later, and my spy app showed me a text she sent to a friend just then telling her to contact this guy and tell him he does not know her.  Well, my suspicions were right!
 After a painful weekend of talking she confessed to seeing this guy 3 or four times, which i was able to see her visits on google after some investigation. She went to his house when she told me she was going to town to pay on a layaway or see a girlfriend etc etc.  She said she didnt have sex.  I dont 100% believe her but she stands by it.

So we talked things over, she agreed to let me monitor all her phone data and put a gps tracker on her car.  We went to counseling a few times.  We went on some trips during 2020, we had some great times and our sex life was amazing.  She said she would do whatever it took to save our marriage and it seemed to be going well.  Later in the year, august, she lied about going to see her moms grave and i tracked her going to see a male workmate who lived in the area.  Turned out she didnt get a hold of him, I asked her about it first and she straight up lied that she didnt do it. Then I showed her the evidence and she said she was sorry she lied, she wasnt trying to do anything but see a friend and was afraid i would respond this way.

ok, whew,  so we make it to 2021, January. Here we are.   This weekend she had a flat and I came to fix it for her from work.  She was having her yearly moms death anniversary withdrawals, (acting weird and distant) and she said she was going to go to walmart to just look around.  It had been a stressful week because of her withdrawals so I was getting suspicious.  It all blew up later when we got home she said she was going shopping, ripped the gps out of the car, threw it on the ground and left her phone at home. She cam home 5 1/2 hours later at 1130pm.  I was in hell and anguish those 5 1/2 hours.  I thought she just said screw it and she did whatever she wanted to do and it wasnt going to be good.  Not much sleep, or eating for me this weekend as we try to hash this out.  She said she was just mad and sick of me accusing her of doing something everytime she went somewhere even though i could see where she was. She didnt feel like she could even see her friend without me getting upset and suspecting something.  

It was eye opening for me and I admit I have been getting really paranoid and suspicious of everything! She was feeling like no matter what she did to prove she was faithful I would not believe her and , i can  see now, it was true.  She had been in a controlling abusive relationship before and didnt want to live like that again and she was feeling trapped like that again.  I never would do that to her on purpose! My own insecurity and lack of trust was out of hand and it had changed me this year.  So theres my life story to this point, it was theraputic to type it and I welcome and advice on how to trust my wife again.  She took away my safety blanket of gps and phone monitoring and im going mad with insecurity and worry because i cant verify anything and im driving her crazy. She wants our marriage, I want our marriage, we are stuck.  I think that why we lasted this long but now she wont tolerate it anymore and the reason seems valid to me if i were in her shoes.

Sending out a S.O.S.

In Pain in Little Rock

[mark clemson]

44 minutes ago, Gyroe1970 said:

 I thought she just said screw it and she did whatever she wanted to do and it wasnt going to be good.  Not much sleep, or eating for me this weekend as we try to hash this out.  She said she was just mad and sick of me accusing her of doing something everytime she went somewhere even though i could see where she was. She didnt feel like she could even see her friend without me getting upset and suspecting something.  

It was eye opening for me and I admit I have been getting really paranoid and suspicious of everything! She was feeling like no matter what she did to prove she was faithful I would not believe her and , i can  see now, it was true.  She had been in a controlling abusive relationship before and didnt want to live like that again and she was feeling trapped like that again.  I never would do that to her on purpose! My own insecurity and lack of trust was out of hand

Unfortunately, your "paranoia" was justified. Unless there is prior stuff you're not mentioning, after she cheats once, it's really not so much your fault if you have difficulty trusting her. And it seems she has stepped out, or attempted to, multiple times. So, that's not "paranoia" - it's recognizing a real risk.

I think perhaps a better question might be, rather than attempting to "monitor" her with a GPS and phone tracker apps, why are you continuing to let her be in your life at all? It's pretty clear she wants or "needs" the option to step out on you.

It seems like you love her too much and/or have become somewhat co-dependent, to the point where you'll take he back even after this type of behavior. You are letting her walk all over you and your heart, and likely also shop around for your potential replacement(s). While I don't recommend divorce to others (as a matter of principle), I CAN say that I'd like to believe that, if it was me, I'd be showing her the door at this point. I think your love is mostly likely a bit of an idealization - a love for who she was, not who she has, unfortunately, become.

 

[Tron5]

What she really seems to want is an open marriage where she can do anything she wants, lie, cheat, sext and connect emotionally/physically with other men with impunity.   In other words a relationship with no boundaries.  This is who she has proven herself to be and who she is now.

Who are you? And what kind of relationship do you want? 

Because if that type of relationship doesn't work for you then you have a decision to make.

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Gyroe1970 said:

I welcome and advice on how to trust my wife again.

How do you trust someone who has proven to be untrustworthy? I don’t know that you can. 

She hasn’t come forward to be honest with you in good conscience. She was discovered. And, as much as she may have tried to make amends she has also rebelled and sowed the seeds of doubt but engaging in the offending behavior - again. 

You know that the trust is broken when you resort to GPS monitoring to monitor her whereabouts and her phone. I have long said, the day I feel the need to monitor my partner is the day I file for divorce. 

 

Edited January 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[princessaurora]

She sounds like a serial cheater who may even be seeking out people to have an affair with. This woman is not going to change and will just try to turn everything around on you every time she gets caught.  She's just stopping by a male workmate's house? For what, a booty call?  You will be absolutely miserable if you stay with her and the stress of wondering where she is all the time and what she's doing will drive you mad. You deserve better OP and your children need  a stable, sane  father. File for divorce and don't look back. She is not worth the heartache she'll surely cause. 

[trident_2020]

She is playing you like a fiddle and you're eating what she's feeding you, hook line and sinker.

You don't trust her because she's repeatedly lied to you, you need to track her location because she goes places and lies to you about where she's been.

Somehow she's successfully turned it around and made you into the bad guy.

Don't be a sucker and grow a backbone. She's running all over you and it's only going to get worse if you don't put a stop to it as in like yesterday.

[Buffer]

Sorry brother for the poo sandwich. 
Go 180 hard, keep the conversation small with no ongoing conversation. Get tested for STDs and be there for the little one. 
Talk to a IC about your feelings, it is a waist of time talking about them to her as she will accuse you of being too controlling. You are in a no win situation. She is a a proven manipulative person who has no consideration for the hurt she has caused. 
Eventually you will have to communicate to her but not know. She is too busy with looking for a new AP. 
One day at a time 

Buffer

[Marc878]

Sorry man but you got the old sorry I got caught. Sounds like she just took it deeper underground.

Why would you want the life of being a marriage warden? It’s a thankless task.

All cheaters lie a lot. Living in denial won’t help you much and will keep you in limbo.

read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover.  It’s a free pdf download.

Edited January 26, 2021 by Marc878

[Pottering About]

Very sorry to hear about your situation.

I think I agree with the other posters here. Your trust in her is gone because SHE destroyed it. Even with spyware and gps, you were always on the look out for the next betrayal so removing these are only going to fuel your suspicions even further. That, in itself, is only going to lead to a downward spiral of suspicion, mental anguish and worsening relations between the two of you.

I am not sure why you would want to stay in this relationship?  She has been caught sexting with TWO men, lying about where she was going when she visited one of the men, admitting to visiting that man 3 - 4 times, involving a friend in her lies by asking her to text the other man, disappearing on long, unexplained absences and more. On top of this, she insults your intelligence by saying she didn’t have sex during the visits to the other man. I suppose they just had a nice cup of tea with cucumber sandwiches and passed the time discussing topical society news stories (sarcasm, am English, can’t help it)..

You’ve got some very knowledgeable posters on here in princessaurora, BaileyB, and Mark Clemson asking you why you would stay. These posters have a history of offering balanced advice,  sometimes advising on a softer approach or reconciliation when others are far more aggressive in their views. To be honest, if those three question why you would stay then I would be out of there like a shot.

[josedelamuerte]

It would take a whole lot of mental gymnastics to bring yourself to trust a verified liar, and even if you could do it - why would you want to?

It just sucks that divorce is so expensive.

[d0nnivain]

She's not the victim in this.  You are not abusing her.   It's not that no matter what she did that you would be suspicious it's that she continues to behave in an untrustworthy manner. 

[elaine567]

13 hours ago, Tron5 said:

What she really seems to want is an open marriage where she can do anything she wants, lie, cheat, sext and connect emotionally/physically with other men with impunity.   In other words a relationship with no boundaries. 

That is not what an open marriage is about.
What you describe is called cheating.

[WilyWill]

She's lying about her recent outing. She is still actively cheating on you and was angry that you were impeding her lifestyle. She also wanted to test your resolve and see how hard she could push back while manipulating you into believing that you've victimized her somehow. You're the victim here, not her. 

I'd give her what she wants. Tell her you won't be tracking her anymore and serve her with divorce papers.

Do an at-home paternity DNA test on your child. Let her see you doing this so that she can better understand the depths of her depravity. 

[notbroken]

You don't trust her because she is untrustworthy.   Hard to fit that 'back in the box' (ever take something out of a box only to have trouble putting it back in?).    You will likely never quite get over that.  I couldn't.   Cheating will change you in ways you can't imagine.  Your once confident self will become less and less confident.  You will trust people less.   Not sure it is worth it.   Consider that.   Honestly, if I was in your shoes I'd divorce her.  Let her cheat on the next guy (she's a serial cheater and likely eventually will again). 

[Gyroe1970]

I hear you all loud and clear. I tend to be the last one to know whats going on, im too trusting and it burns me everytime.

[notbroken]

The minute you have to start tracking someone to feel secure is probably the same moment you should split up.  I'm sorry.  

[merrmeade]

I'll confess, Gyro, I still check every once in a while even after 8 years. I just like to know I can. The problem is that your wife doesn't seem very conflicted about her actions, just annoyed about being managed. And listen, you don't need to apologize for your anxiety about it and need to know, but I agree that it's important for you to look closely at what you're doing. Spyware and gps, etc. are mainly to catch someone cheating. Using it as a means of controlling them is going to backfire like this if it wasn't her request and initiative. So that is still the problem: She's not sorry.

So on that point - her overall behavior: This story has the added element that no one has addressed of her apparent madness that descends this time of year in the form of insane sex addiction. I don't think this is ordinary cheating since it seems triggered by her mother's death. Some psychiatric intervention is in order imho. Wouldn't she welcome it

Edited January 27, 2021 by merrmeade

[pepperbird2]

On 1/25/2021 at 3:37 PM, Gyroe1970 said:

I'm a 50 year old man. I was married the first time, had kids and my wife decided she didnt want to be in the marriage anymore.  We divorced, 3 years went by with me be ok with being a single dad and just being there for my kids.  A special woman came into my life when I was looking for anyone and stole my heart. We married, had a child together, she had a young child when we met as well. 12 years of raising kids and loving and being loved like I never have been before. She is my soul mate. I've always been true and loyal to her and I adore her.

Then came December 2019, she was distant and short with me. She disappeared for awhile on Christmas when she took my step son to his dads for Christmas. She didnt come right back. It bothered me but I didnt know what to do about it.  She grew quieter and more distant but I kept loving her and we had our good days too but something was wrong.  Every January near the anniversary of her Mothers death (2005) she withdrawls from me but this year it was all month long.

I had a feeling in my gut I was missing something.  She happened to leave her chromebook on when she left for work on Jan 29 2019. I opened it up and her facebook account was open with a message box popup from a guy she knew in school.  I read there conversation with surges of adrenaline and hurt pulsing through my body.  It was a conversation that referred to a sexting event they had that night before while i was at work.( I was working night shift).  I called her at work and told her what I found. She immediately rushed home.  She was remorseful and we had a painful conversation about it all.  I asked to see her phone and i put a spy app on it to see what else she was up to.  I found that she had been texting another guy since december, but the texts were erased.  I asked her if she knew the guys name. She looked me in the eye and said no ive never heard of that person.

I said I was going to text this other guy and see if he knew her.  She went to the bathroom sometime later, and my spy app showed me a text she sent to a friend just then telling her to contact this guy and tell him he does not know her.  Well, my suspicions were right!
 After a painful weekend of talking she confessed to seeing this guy 3 or four times, which i was able to see her visits on google after some investigation. She went to his house when she told me she was going to town to pay on a layaway or see a girlfriend etc etc.  She said she didnt have sex.  I dont 100% believe her but she stands by it.

So we talked things over, she agreed to let me monitor all her phone data and put a gps tracker on her car.  We went to counseling a few times.  We went on some trips during 2020, we had some great times and our sex life was amazing.  She said she would do whatever it took to save our marriage and it seemed to be going well.  Later in the year, august, she lied about going to see her moms grave and i tracked her going to see a male workmate who lived in the area.  Turned out she didnt get a hold of him, I asked her about it first and she straight up lied that she didnt do it. Then I showed her the evidence and she said she was sorry she lied, she wasnt trying to do anything but see a friend and was afraid i would respond this way.

ok, whew,  so we make it to 2021, January. Here we are.   This weekend she had a flat and I came to fix it for her from work.  She was having her yearly moms death anniversary withdrawals, (acting weird and distant) and she said she was going to go to walmart to just look around.  It had been a stressful week because of her withdrawals so I was getting suspicious.  It all blew up later when we got home she said she was going shopping, ripped the gps out of the car, threw it on the ground and left her phone at home. She cam home 5 1/2 hours later at 1130pm.  I was in hell and anguish those 5 1/2 hours.  I thought she just said screw it and she did whatever she wanted to do and it wasnt going to be good.  Not much sleep, or eating for me this weekend as we try to hash this out.  She said she was just mad and sick of me accusing her of doing something everytime she went somewhere even though i could see where she was. She didnt feel like she could even see her friend without me getting upset and suspecting something.  

It was eye opening for me and I admit I have been getting really paranoid and suspicious of everything! She was feeling like no matter what she did to prove she was faithful I would not believe her and , i can  see now, it was true.  She had been in a controlling abusive relationship before and didnt want to live like that again and she was feeling trapped like that again.  I never would do that to her on purpose! My own insecurity and lack of trust was out of hand and it had changed me this year.  So theres my life story to this point, it was theraputic to type it and I welcome and advice on how to trust my wife again.  She took away my safety blanket of gps and phone monitoring and im going mad with insecurity and worry because i cant verify anything and im driving her crazy. She wants our marriage, I want our marriage, we are stuck.  I think that why we lasted this long but now she wont tolerate it anymore and the reason seems valid to me if i were in her shoes.

Sending out a S.O.S.

In Pain in Little Rock

woah there...
stop beating up on yourself- and don't fall for the "you;re controlling me" gas lighting either. I'm a woman, and that's one of the oldest lines in the book.

She  cheated  on  you  . If ANYONE should be feeling hurt, it's you.

[Asc1226]

In her previous “controlling” relationship had she also given her SO reason to doubt her fidelity?

[Harry Korsnes]

Hi gjøre!

Sorry your here.

Its only been a few days since you first posted. And you,ve gotten some good advice on here. But it seems to have been næring you for a long time. What have you done about it? Time to steped up and do you. She wont change,  the more you monitor the more depresed you,l get. Just ignore her and do you.

The sooner you acsept that she's not loyal the better.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 1/25/2021 at 2:37 PM, Gyroe1970 said:

She said she was just mad and sick of me accusing her of doing something everytime she went somewhere even though i could see where she was. She didnt feel like she could even see her friend without me getting upset and suspecting something.  

Her fault, not yours. Don't let her make you feel guilty for this. If she had never given you cause, she wouldn't have to deal with the consequences (i.e. losing your trust) of her actions.

It's bullcrap that 'she won't tolerate it anymore.'  Too bad, so sad. That's what a cheater gets for cheating. Obviously she has not done enough to earn back your trust. You are right to feel anxious. She has demonstrated a PATTERN (not a one time lapse of judgement) showing she is not safe for you to trust.

How very sad for you, and how very entitled of her, to expect you to be done with the pain of her infidelity so she won't be inconvenienced by it anymore. I have news for you, friend. Your anxiety is not going to go away with your ability to try to reason it away. It's going to get worse, and you're already starting to see, until either A) she takes true accountability for her infidelity and takes consistent steps over long periods of time to show you she is safe to trust (not likely given many red flags in her past and current behavior), or 2) you put your foot down by showing her that, if she will not be faithful, you will exit the relationship (and you have to follow through).

The only other option is your current trajectory, which is she does bad things, fails to adequately take responsibility, and then shames you for feeling hurt by her. How do you think your mental health will evolve over time under this trajectory? Do you think this will strengthen your marriage or put more cracks over time (building resentments, unexpressed emotions, break down in intimacy, more deceit and betrayals). Change course now--it's very uncomfortable to hold people accountable, but if you don't do it, you will pay a bigger price later.

Remember: short-term pain for long-term gain. Good luck to you. Your wife isn't very nice, I hate to tell you. 

Edited January 28, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[pepperbird2]

On 1/27/2021 at 12:30 PM, Harry Korsnes said:

Hi gjøre!

Sorry your here.

Its only been a few days since you first posted. And you,ve gotten some good advice on here. But it seems to have been næring you for a long time. What have you done about it? Time to steped up and do you. She wont change,  the more you monitor the more depresed you,l get. Just ignore her and do you.

The sooner you acsept that she's not loyal the better.

There's a thing called "the 180" which is a way for a spouse who has been betrayed to interact with their spouse while still maintaining their peace of mind.
It's pretty simple. If you live with your spouse, you're polite but that's it. No friendly banter, no favours, no sex, no affection-you become like acquaintances or maybe room mates. It's not done to manipulate her, it's done to help you slow your mind down so you can think. If you can, I'd also advise taking some time away from her. Are you able to go visit a friend or even stay in a hotel for a few nights? If you do, make sure you are clear, and in writing, that you are not abandoning your home and you do intended to come back.
I would also speak with a lawyer, post haste. Check out all your options-the more knowledge you have, the better decisions you can make.

[vla1120]

On 1/25/2021 at 2:37 PM, Gyroe1970 said:

ok, whew,  so we make it to 2021, January. Here we are.   This weekend she had a flat and I came to fix it for her from work.  She was having her yearly moms death anniversary withdrawals, (acting weird and distant) and she said she was going to go to walmart to just look around.  It had been a stressful week because of her withdrawals so I was getting suspicious.  It all blew up later when we got home she said she was going shopping, ripped the gps out of the car, threw it on the ground and left her phone at home. She cam home 5 1/2 hours later at 1130pm.  I was in hell and anguish those 5 1/2 hours.  I thought she just said screw it and she did whatever she wanted to do and it wasnt going to be good.  Not much sleep, or eating for me this weekend as we try to hash this out.  She said she was just mad and sick of me accusing her of doing something everytime she went somewhere even though i could see where she was. She didnt feel like she could even see her friend without me getting upset and suspecting something.  

First of all, I think she uses her mom's death anniversary as an excuse to be distant and withdrawn. My mom died almost 30 years ago. I still have moments on Mother's Day, her birthday, and the anniversary of her death, but even in the beginning when I was grieving, I never used it as an excuse to be distant and withdrawn from my SO. That's just my opinion though. I know everyone grieves differently. I could be way off base.

Secondly, she betrayed your trust. It's hard to regain that trust. You have to be the one to make the decision about how much you can tolerate wondering if she's where she said she is, with whom she said she was with, etc. It's like taking a leap of faith. The best you can do is give her the benefit of the doubt if you want to stay with her and take the chance she's being faithful to you. If even the thought that she is wandering will drive you insane, then it is not worth your sanity to trust her without knowing the truth. Like someone else said, if you have to monitor her phone and the location of her car to feel comfortable, that's not a marriage. I'm sorry you find yourself out here. 

[Harry Korsnes]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

There's a thing called "the 180" which is a way for a spouse who has been betrayed to interact with their spouse while still maintaining their peace of mind.
It's pretty simple. If you live with your spouse, you're polite but that's it. No friendly banter, no favours, no sex, no affection-you become like acquaintances or maybe room mates. It's not done to manipulate her, it's done to help you slow your mind down so you can think. If you can, I'd also advise taking some time away from her. Are you able to go visit a friend or even stay in a hotel for a few nights? If you do, make sure you are clear, and in writing, that you are not abandoning your home and you do intended to come back.
I would also speak with a lawyer, post haste. Check out all your options-the more knowledge you have, the better decisions you can make.

I think he's to waund to make any seiruse disisions right now. Working on him self for a while would put his mind at rest so he can make the right choises. And your right he needs time away from her to sett his mind straight. I know exactly how he feels i was there 12 years ago. 

[merrmeade]

Gyros, I just found this article that made me immediately think of this thread. It’s in one of those online magazines written by a freelance writer who has interviewed several experts. it resonated with my experience and everything I’ve read here and other places about trust after betrayal, how to rebuild it. It has all the issues in your situation. You have to have a subscription so I can’t really post ther link but thought I’d put a few copy/paste excerpts.

First of all, the article gives steps for rebuilding trust: Step 1: Put everything out in the open. Step 2: Whoever broke the trust must apologize. Step 3: Make sure your partner feels understood. Step 4: Change the behaviors that led to the break in trust. 

In Step 1 explanation, this stood out for me: “A lot of people who’ve betrayed their partners might be tempted to hold back some of the details, but P. says this will only do further damage. That will eventually come back to bite you.” It came back to bite us again and again. Cheaters never get or believe this - that they lose far more long term by holding back. It could even be the death knell to the relationship in my experience.

Just FYI, not sure if this is relevant for you, but maybe later, I didn’t realize until reading this what a huge difference it made that my husband really did show concern and empathy for my pain. I never felt like he thought it wasn’t valid or he didn’t deserve what I said and I felt and did in my pain.

One point that was new for me was the importance of showing empathy BOTH ways in Step 3 because ““People who’ve broken trust are almost always operating out of some kind of pain, some kind of brokenness. It’ll help you if you try to understand where they’re coming from and look at them as a broken person, not as somebody who’s trying to harm you.” That was true for my husband. That was true for my sister-in-law, the OW my case. And that sounds true for your wife. “Broken” is a strong, significant description of someone’s condition. I think, however, that this one, step 3, is only possible if the person has shown serious accountability and remorse. In other words, steps 1,2,4 have to be in place or it’s just a betrayed person being further squashed. “...key is making sure both sides leave the conversation with an understanding of where the other person is coming from and, in the case of the person who’s been betrayed, why the person did what they did.”

Also this article made me think about your situation and the fact that you are acting almost in stealth, like you don’t deserve to feel anxious and mistrusting. You have not been validated.

Edited January 29, 2021 by merrmeade