Hurting Husband Sending out an S.O.S.

[Caauug]

On 1/26/2021 at 3:37 AM, Gyroe1970 said:

 It had been a stressful week because of her withdrawals so I was getting suspicious.  It all blew up later when we got home she said she was going shopping, ripped the gps out of the car, threw it on the ground and left her phone at home. She cam home 5 1/2 hours later at 1130pm.  I was in hell and anguish those 5 1/2 hours.  I thought she just said screw it and she did whatever she wanted to do and it wasnt going to be good.

You are a 50yr old man, this should be the nice quiet times in your life, kids about to leave the nest if not already got there own children, carrier is in the twilight (Stress is handled by junior members of the team), you are on the gravy train.... Count down is on for retirement.... 

Why do you need all this crap??? She doesn't respect you, she cheated. She doesn't want to gain your respect/trust again, she ripped out gps and left phone at home. She doesn't want you!!! She only wants to use you for money and stability...  She is doing this for one reason, because she can!!! You are enabling her behavior. 

On 1/26/2021 at 3:37 AM, Gyroe1970 said:

She didnt feel like she could even see her friend without me getting upset and suspecting something.  

It was eye opening for me and I admit I have been getting really paranoid and suspicious of everything! She was feeling like no matter what she did to prove she was faithful I would not believe her and , i can  see now, it was true.

Gezzzz, I wonder why??? Cause she wants to be the local sperm bank???

 

On 1/26/2021 at 3:37 AM, Gyroe1970 said:

She took away my safety blanket of gps and phone monitoring and im going mad with insecurity and worry because i cant verify anything and im driving her crazy. She wants our marriage, I want our marriage, we are stuck.  I think that why we lasted this long but now she wont tolerate it anymore and the reason seems valid to me if i were in her shoes.

IMO, the only way you will ever make this work (for you), is just don't care.... Ignore what she does, who she is with and what she does with them. You will need to wear protection for STI, STD's, forget oral, wash your hands etc. There are worse viruses than Covid floating around.

You are not in her shoes, if you were, you would have been faithful. She is in her shoes and she has not.... You are in your shoes and you have been used (abused???) as a man/husband by her, and you have let her do it!!! It is you that has the power to stop her, only you can say enough is enough, and end it.

On 1/26/2021 at 3:37 AM, Gyroe1970 said:

Sending out a S.O.S.

Drowning people can not save each other, they only bring each other down, (crab in the bucket). She's a sinking ship, save yourself first.

Let her go, she wants to be with others, not you. She uses you for your money and stability, (cut her off your money and see how long she comes home....) You can not force her to do anything, but you can force yourself!!! Stand up to her bad behavior!!!!

 

[Zona]

The thing you have to understand is that waywards lie constantly. You can't believe a single thing she has told you about her cheating.

How many times did you catch her lying? And why are you blaming yourself for her actions? Marital problems may be a 50 - 50 split, but her cheating is 100% her responsibility. You are in the same marriage and you didn't step out.

You need to do a hard 180. That means being cordial, but treat her like a roommate, not a wife. Besides pleasantries, only discuss issues related to kids and money. This is to allow you to clear your head and get some perspective. It's is not about changing her behavior, although it may have some affect on her when she realizes what she will lose if she keeps betraying you.

As mentioned, the pick me dance will only make things worse because she will see it as you being OK with what she is doing, and are in fact rewarding it in a way.

Sorry you going through this. It really sucks.

 

[pepperbird2]

3 hours ago, Zona said:

The thing you have to understand is that waywards lie constantly. You can't believe a single thing she has told you about her cheating.

How many times did you catch her lying? And why are you blaming yourself for her actions? Marital problems may be a 50 - 50 split, but her cheating is 100% her responsibility. You are in the same marriage and you didn't step out.

You need to do a hard 180. That means being cordial, but treat her like a roommate, not a wife. Besides pleasantries, only discuss issues related to kids and money. This is to allow you to clear your head and get some perspective. It's is not about changing her behavior, although it may have some affect on her when she realizes what she will lose if she keeps betraying you.

As mentioned, the pick me dance will only make things worse because she will see it as you being OK with what she is doing, and are in fact rewarding it in a way.

Sorry you going through this. It really sucks.

 

This is so true. There's an incorrect assumption that it's meant to save a marriage-it's not.It's meant to give a BS some peace of mind and a chance to gather their thoughts and make plans.

[S2B]

Your wife has no intention of being faithful to you.

you may as well divorce her now - she’s ONLY going to say she’s sorry when you catch her - but she is still going to keep betraying you over and over and over.

stop being her doormat and her chump. She lies right to your face! 

she has no intention of honoring the marital vows! 

Edited February 2, 2021 by S2B

[Marc878]

A lot in these situations want to believe so badly they do no matter what the signs are.

It helps them by not having to make the decisions they should make.

You can play the marriage warden but cheaters always find a way.

You’ve effectively put yourself in limbo.  You can’t fix her. Only she could do that.

 

[usa1ah]

On 1/25/2021 at 2:37 PM, Gyroe1970 said:

I'm a 50 year old man. I was married the first time, had kids and my wife decided she didnt want to be in the marriage anymore.  We divorced, 3 years went by with me be ok with being a single dad and just being there for my kids.  A special woman came into my life when I was looking for anyone and stole my heart. We married, had a child together, she had a young child when we met as well. 12 years of raising kids and loving and being loved like I never have been before. She is my soul mate. I've always been true and loyal to her and I adore her.

Then came December 2019, she was distant and short with me. She disappeared for awhile on Christmas when she took my step son to his dads for Christmas. She didnt come right back. It bothered me but I didnt know what to do about it.  She grew quieter and more distant but I kept loving her and we had our good days too but something was wrong.  Every January near the anniversary of her Mothers death (2005) she withdrawls from me but this year it was all month long.

I had a feeling in my gut I was missing something.  She happened to leave her chromebook on when she left for work on Jan 29 2019. I opened it up and her facebook account was open with a message box popup from a guy she knew in school.  I read there conversation with surges of adrenaline and hurt pulsing through my body.  It was a conversation that referred to a sexting event they had that night before while i was at work.( I was working night shift).  I called her at work and told her what I found. She immediately rushed home.  She was remorseful and we had a painful conversation about it all.  I asked to see her phone and i put a spy app on it to see what else she was up to.  I found that she had been texting another guy since december, but the texts were erased.  I asked her if she knew the guys name. She looked me in the eye and said no ive never heard of that person.

I said I was going to text this other guy and see if he knew her.  She went to the bathroom sometime later, and my spy app showed me a text she sent to a friend just then telling her to contact this guy and tell him he does not know her.  Well, my suspicions were right!
 After a painful weekend of talking she confessed to seeing this guy 3 or four times, which i was able to see her visits on google after some investigation. She went to his house when she told me she was going to town to pay on a layaway or see a girlfriend etc etc.  She said she didnt have sex.  I dont 100% believe her but she stands by it.

So we talked things over, she agreed to let me monitor all her phone data and put a gps tracker on her car.  We went to counseling a few times.  We went on some trips during 2020, we had some great times and our sex life was amazing.  She said she would do whatever it took to save our marriage and it seemed to be going well.  Later in the year, august, she lied about going to see her moms grave and i tracked her going to see a male workmate who lived in the area.  Turned out she didnt get a hold of him, I asked her about it first and she straight up lied that she didnt do it. Then I showed her the evidence and she said she was sorry she lied, she wasnt trying to do anything but see a friend and was afraid i would respond this way.

ok, whew,  so we make it to 2021, January. Here we are.   This weekend she had a flat and I came to fix it for her from work.  She was having her yearly moms death anniversary withdrawals, (acting weird and distant) and she said she was going to go to walmart to just look around.  It had been a stressful week because of her withdrawals so I was getting suspicious.  It all blew up later when we got home she said she was going shopping, ripped the gps out of the car, threw it on the ground and left her phone at home. She cam home 5 1/2 hours later at 1130pm.  I was in hell and anguish those 5 1/2 hours.  I thought she just said screw it and she did whatever she wanted to do and it wasnt going to be good.  Not much sleep, or eating for me this weekend as we try to hash this out.  She said she was just mad and sick of me accusing her of doing something everytime she went somewhere even though i could see where she was. She didnt feel like she could even see her friend without me getting upset and suspecting something.  

It was eye opening for me and I admit I have been getting really paranoid and suspicious of everything! She was feeling like no matter what she did to prove she was faithful I would not believe her and , i can  see now, it was true.  She had been in a controlling abusive relationship before and didnt want to live like that again and she was feeling trapped like that again.  I never would do that to her on purpose! My own insecurity and lack of trust was out of hand and it had changed me this year.  So theres my life story to this point, it was theraputic to type it and I welcome and advice on how to trust my wife again.  She took away my safety blanket of gps and phone monitoring and im going mad with insecurity and worry because i cant verify anything and im driving her crazy. She wants our marriage, I want our marriage, we are stuck.  I think that why we lasted this long but now she wont tolerate it anymore and the reason seems valid to me if i were in her shoes.

Sending out a S.O.S.

In Pain in Little Rock

The thing is this, she cheated!!!!

 

None if this would be happening if she didn’t cheat on you last year. She is calling this controlling when she met up with another man “3 or 4” times (cheaters minimize the number of times and what they do). 
 

What your feeling isn’t your fault, your cheating wife broke trust and some times it never comes back. Especially when you catch them going to another man’s house and she lies about it. 
 

Your wife has done nothing to prove she is faithful. 

[Lorryborry]

All this spying and tracking is just a little much.  Maybe just talk to her instead.   You can fix this. 

[World Peace Guy]

I suspect she had sex with her ex and is feeling guilt about it. Guilt is a very harmful thing, and causes a lot of damage. My advice is to let her know your forgive her, if that is the case. This will help her to forgive herself, because that is what needs to happen. Maybe do it in writing, so she doesn't interrupt you. I suspect the male friend, she tried to visit was just to have someone to talk to about it.

[World Peace Guy]

I should add, that I know it may be hard to forgive her, but if you love her, you think of what is good for her. If that is what happened, than she needs your forgiveness, so that she can forgive herself, so that she can heal emotionally.

[understand50]

I wrote this awhile ago, may be useful, or not, in this situation.

"Posted April 5, 2016

I have been thinking, that while one can never forget what was done, and should not, the affair, the cheating, and the lying, that once you have made the decision to reconcile, you then must, take divorce, and other negative positions off the table if reconciliation is to really work. The BS has work to do as well as the WS. Not only must the cheating be addressed, but any other problems in the marriage must be worked on as well.

We all know what the WS must and has to do for a "good" reconciliation, but, and this maybe harder, there are things a BS must do as well. Remember, as a BS, you have decided that life is better, even living with the betrayal, with your spouse.

What must a BS do to make the reconciliation work? My thoughts.

1) Forgive, and not hold over the WS their action, unless by their present actions, their past must be readdressed. IE, I do not bring up my wife past ONS, and over spending, unless it is germane to the conversation or situation.

2) Really decide if you are going to reconcile and give it 100%. Once your "gift" is given you should be prepared for all the hard work that it implies.

3) Accept when and if the WS is working and changing, and while verifying, give them benefit of the doubt when warranted.

4) Approach the marriage as equals on issues and problems that are not from the affair. In other words, at some point, future problems must be dealt with and the high ground will need to be abandoned.

This is assuming, and this can be a big assumption, that the WS is a former WS, and is doing everything that is asked for and accepted to reconcile. In other words, a false reconciliation is not happening.

For those that advise divorce, and only divorce, I would ask that you widen your position, and give some thought to what you may think is necessary for a BS to have a good reconciliation.

My two cents, and lets hope for a good conversation..........."

I wish you luck....

 

[usa1ah]

She was probably wanting to show the second guy exactly what she did with the first. That way he would know exactly how to help her. So she ripped out the gps and used the 5 1/2 hours to do just that. 

[usa1ah]

Reconciliation requires complete honesty from the WS, OP has never had this from the first time. If his wife is still lying, how can they move forward from here?

[merrmeade]

3 hours ago, understand50 said:

I wrote this awhile ago, may be useful, or not, in this situation.

"Posted April 5, 2016

I have been thinking, that while one can never forget what was done, and should not, the affair, the cheating, and the lying, that once you have made the decision to reconcile, you then must, take divorce, and other negative positions off the table if reconciliation is to really work. The BS has work to do as well as the WS. Not only must the cheating be addressed, but any other problems in the marriage must be worked on as well.

We all know what the WS must and has to do for a "good" reconciliation, but, and this maybe harder, there are things a BS must do as well. Remember, as a BS, you have decided that life is better, even living with the betrayal, with your spouse.

What must a BS do to make the reconciliation work? My thoughts.

1) Forgive, and not hold over the WS their action, unless by their present actions, their past must be readdressed. IE, I do not bring up my wife past ONS, and over spending, unless it is germane to the conversation or situation.

2) Really decide if you are going to reconcile and give it 100%. Once your "gift" is given you should be prepared for all the hard work that it implies.

3) Accept when and if the WS is working and changing, and while verifying, give them benefit of the doubt when warranted.

4) Approach the marriage as equals on issues and problems that are not from the affair. In other words, at some point, future problems must be dealt with and the high ground will need to be abandoned.

This is assuming, and this can be a big assumption, that the WS is a former WS, and is doing everything that is asked for and accepted to reconcile. In other words, a false reconciliation is not happening.

For those that advise divorce, and only divorce, I would ask that you widen your position, and give some thought to what you may think is necessary for a BS to have a good reconciliation.

My two cents, and lets hope for a good conversation..........."

I wish you luck....

I remember this post. Understand50 is among a handful of posters whose support and insights provided the empathy I was missing in real life, and I've treasured all of his posts save one: This one. 

The first time someone told me I "should" forgive my husband was a cousin during the first year after D-day. The second person was my son. Both times it felt like a kick in the stomach. This post by someone I also thought 'got me' was also quite disheartening. In my book of Infidelity etiquette, you should never tell a BS to forgive. A BS who is in the first year as this OP feels bruised and bleeding and just needs to be validated. He needs to know that his feelings are important and normal and that it is entirely his choice and idea to forgive. If there's any "should,"

The thread  did bring up many important aspects of the reconciliation-vs-divorce question. The main ones were that (a) it takes TIME to process everything that comes up following an affair and (b) every situation, every BS and every WS is different and, therefore, every outcome is different. But one thing that most people agreed on is that it takes time.  

To a recently betrayed spouse such as this OP, directives such as this list can be discouraging. Many people who responded were startled, in fact, at such an over-simplified formula. For me, the post was an anomaly because u...50 is so empathetic, and his posts were usually so helpful. This OP needs to see the broad range of responses to the above post, most of them agreeing that, in fact, betrayed spouses must process everything before they can even read something like this. Forgiveness is not a concept that springs to mind or connects with the pain they are in presently and it's not that they won't, but that they can't.  Being handed a 4-commandment formula can feel overwhelming if not impossible at that point. 

I started to copy/paste several of the responses but decided in the end that this post explains best the humbling complexity of BS recovery and puts "forgiveness" in perspective relative to the passage of time.

[World Peace Guy]

36 minutes ago, merrmeade said:

I remember this post. Understand50 is among a handful of posters whose support and insights provided the empathy I was missing in real life, and I've treasured all of his posts save one: This one. 

The first time someone told me I "should" forgive my husband was a cousin during the first year after D-day. The second person was my son. Both times it felt like a kick in the stomach. This post by someone I also thought 'got me' was also quite disheartening. In my book of Infidelity etiquette, you should never tell a BS to forgive. A BS who is in the first year as this OP feels bruised and bleeding and just needs to be validated. He needs to know that his feelings are important and normal and that it is entirely his choice and idea to forgive. If there's any "should,"

The thread  did bring up many important aspects of the reconciliation-vs-divorce question. The main ones were that (a) it takes TIME to process everything that comes up following an affair and (b) every situation, every BS and every WS is different and, therefore, every outcome is different. But one thing that most people agreed on is that it takes time.  

To a recently betrayed spouse such as this OP, directives such as this list can be discouraging. Many people who responded were startled, in fact, at such an over-simplified formula. For me, the post was an anomaly because u...50 is so empathetic, and his posts were usually so helpful. This OP needs to see the broad range of responses to the above post, most of them agreeing that, in fact, betrayed spouses must process everything before they can even read something like this. Forgiveness is not a concept that springs to mind or connects with the pain they are in presently and it's not that they won't, but that they can't.  Being handed a 4-commandment formula can feel overwhelming if not impossible at that point. 

I started to copy/paste several of the responses but decided in the end that this post explains best the humbling complexity of BS recovery and puts "forgiveness" in perspective relative to the passage of time.

Never say never. This thread is a special situation, because I suspect she cheated with her ex husband. We can make legal documents to "untie the knot", but in reality, once the knot is tied, it remains tied forever. So it is really not the same thing as cheating with someone else. It does not necessarily mean that she doesn't love her current husband, at least not so strongly. When people get divorced, they don't stop being in love. That is why divorced people fight so much, because they do love each other. They just convert the love into pain, but it is still love.

[merrmeade]

Still not clear whether it's not just seasonal insanity. 

 

[pepperbird2]

On 2/4/2021 at 3:05 AM, World Peace Guy said:

Never say never. This thread is a special situation, because I suspect she cheated with her ex husband. We can make legal documents to "untie the knot", but in reality, once the knot is tied, it remains tied forever. So it is really not the same thing as cheating with someone else. It does not necessarily mean that she doesn't love her current husband, at least not so strongly. When people get divorced, they don't stop being in love. That is why divorced people fight so much, because they do love each other. They just convert the love into pain, but it is still love.

Sorry, but if this is the case, she has ZERO business being with anyone else. She needs to work through her emotions and then come to a new rlwtaionship with a clean slate. 

 

[pepperbird2]

op, something else you may want to consider is whether or not you want to live the rest of your life not being able to trust her. I can't speak for anyone else, but I will never be able to trust my spouse 100 percent again, and that's after more than ten years, lots of counselling and a whole lot of water under the bridge.

I know that sounds awful, but it's the reality. I trust him more than I anyone else, but there will always be a tiny part do me that can't trust him. That doesn't mean I don't love him or think he doesn't love me, and I don't think he will cheat again, but that kernel of "expectation" will always be there.

I trust him maybe 95 percent to have my back. I used to say it was 100 percent, but to anymore. Yes, that is unpleasant, but it is what ti is. I don't check his emails, I don't go through his phone, if he's a bit late form work , going out with fiends or if he's moody my first thought isn't "he must be cheating", but the 100 percent blind trust will never be back. I'm okay with that.

Would you be?

 

[sandylee1]

The list of what a BS should/must do is all well and good of the WS is remorseful.

In this case the fact that she’s been caught out more than once, indicates she isn't. She's not doing anything to help him regain trust in her, rather she'd doing the opposite. 

She says she wants the marriage to work, but talk is cheap. It's her actions you need to watch. 

You shouldn't have to police your marriage like this. Her stepping out has created the situation and she doesn't seem bothered by it.  Just annoyed that she doesn't have the freedom to see other men.

Living like this will affect your mental health and wellbeing. 

Did you do or consider marriage counselling? If not would you consider it? It might help to have an independent professional, where both sides can communicate their feelings in a safe environment and it won't descend into an argument. 

[Gyroe1970]

UPDATE: its been a hell of a month. We are in marriage counseling now and she wants to save our marriage. We have had a lot of brutally honest conversation but we are making headway in our relationship and addressing things we never have about our marriage and about her past that effects her today. I thank you all for your advice in my time of need when I had no where to go. Ill give another update when things have progressed to wherever they progress. Thank you all.

[Marc878]

33 minutes ago, Gyroe1970 said:

UPDATE: its been a hell of a month. We are in marriage counseling now and she wants to save our marriage. We have had a lot of brutally honest conversation but we are making headway in our relationship and addressing things we never have about our marriage and about her past that effects her today. I thank you all for your advice in my time of need when I had no where to go. Ill give another update when things have progressed to wherever they progress. Thank you all.

 Bud the marriage wasn’t broken she is.

good luck 

[SRCSRC]

Marriage counselors generally do not address infidelity sufficiently.  Has the subject even come up in counseling?  Go see a separate therapist for yourself that specializes in infidelity.  That is what she has done.  Rug sweeping her affair(s) under the table will solve nothing.  Marriage counselors tend to do that.  They also try to assess equal blame for the affair.  Utter bullshit.  Good luck to you, you will need it.  

Edited February 21, 2021 by SRCSRC

[Marc878]

You have less than a 50% chance of getting a good MC. Some can cause more damage than good. They are not gods. If they blame you for her affair walk out .

[usa1ah]

It just amazing how MC just explain away infidelity. It’s never the cheater’s fault. 
 

Unless they are lucky enough to find the one in their area that actually holds the cheaters accountable for their actions. 
 

I agree with the other post, your wife is the broken one. 
 

Enjoy the chit sandwich they are feeding you 

Edited February 22, 2021 by usa1ah