SS2855 Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 Only about 8 weeks post- affair. Still friends and work together. Without rehashing the story it was pretty much a mutual decision. Nowhere to really take the relationship. COVID in this case was a blessing as it kept us apart and we realized there really was no future and we were doing something very wrong. My marriage is ending (long time coming) and he is staying in his despite what he conveys as unhappiness (he SAYS he’s unhappy, I think he just wants more excitement but who am I to say). I’m annoyed with myself because I have been doing so well- not ruminating as much and accepting what is- trying to heal and realizing the toxicity of it all. He has recently expressed emotions again of missing and longing and wanting etc. I get swept up in the words (yes only words) and find myself falling again when I was just getting used to being ok. I’m just venting. I need to be stronger to not fall back. I also need to keep these things in mind: 1.) he is moving out of state with his family, not with me. 2.) he likely has feelings for me still I believe but not enough to do anything with them- I understand and it just is the fact. 3.) He may also be more vocal of his feelings because I’ve since held back and have not initiated contact- I don’t cry or express my desire for him even though it’s still there. 4.) I’m idolizing him because of my situation at home. He looks perfect to me when I compare him to the broken painful relationship I’m separated from now. I’m lonely and I want the attention. Just venting. It’s Monday. Need to keep repeating to myself in moments of sadness and weakness that I refuse to settle for second best. That I’ve created a fantasy of a person to band aid the toxic marriage I stayed in. That no relationship is so much better and fulfilling then a tiny piece of an already spoken for relationship, right? Also when MM comes to me with words that it’s just WORDS. That’s it. It’s his MO. Lays it down heavy on how he wishes it were me with him and he can’t think of anyone else more perfect...and then it’s like, ah well. Baby steps... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorryborry Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 Hi SS. I totally understand you just want to reinforce what you already know. Also well done on getting out of your marriage- that takes guts. I know well how lonely it's got to be right now but you are a single woman now and will soon have men to choose from. Stick it out. Hes staying with her. Let him stay with her. It's not your job to make it more bearable for him. Also, just imagine right now he got really sick with covid.....could you offer any comfort? No because you'd have to stay a secret. Same if you got sick. That's the bottom line. The wife has all the security. Sure he may well very much like you and long for you. But hes choosing her. So he needs to stay with her now if shes his choice. You don't need this mess and complication. Hes complicated as married. Stick it out. Hes not worth it. My two pence. No expert. Stay strong. Youl only end up hurt as hel be with her 95% time. A few stolen moments is no addition to you. X 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SS2855 Posted January 25, 2021 Author Share Posted January 25, 2021 One other thing I know is hurting and I keep acting as if it’s not hurting me in the least- even pretending to myself : he is moving out of state and to a stunning palatial home. It’s a dream home that is like out of a movie. I have been cheerleading him and trying to be a “friend” and be excited for him, but in truth it stings. The beauty of the home should make no difference but it does add more flame to the fire- the narrative of ex-MM who still professes his undying love for me is leaving town, moving on to what looks like a resort, with his family, to live out a dream lifestyle. He continues his very happy life. He says he is only “buying” his happiness in a way like “well since we can’t be together I guess I’ll do this”. Anyhow I know it’s catching up to me as I’m trying to get back into the pre-affair role as the supportive friend when I’m fact- how could I champion something that’s so blatantly painful for me? My fault but I get mad at myself for trying to act like I want to be so excited for his happiness despite it crushing me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SS2855 Posted January 25, 2021 Author Share Posted January 25, 2021 4 minutes ago, Lorryborry said: . Hes staying with her. Let him stay with her. It's not your job to make it more bearable for him Thank you. I have this thing where I want to be this perfect ex-AP like nothing bothers me when in fact it does. I so appreciate the kind words and know I will see better out there. I promise I’m not trying to gain sympathy but my marriage has been painful for years due to some other circumstances of my spouse. Don’t want to add detail but it was a marriage of wanting to fix him and only after all this time realizing I can’t. So a bit in no mans land and just trying to keep focus on a healthier life and healthier and truthfulness within myself. Thank you so much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorryborry Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 Hi SS. I understand. You can't really be friends with him and try to keep him in your life that way. He will only hold you back. You can meet someone else now that you are single. Who cares about the palatial home. Hes not happily married but that does NOT mean he will be able to offer you anything. Start building your own life from the bottom up. Start fresh. Its difficult but easier than all the upset being around him will cause you. Just remember hes sleeping with her every night. I'm sorry to be blunt. You have nothing out of this. Financially or emotionally. Hes no benefit to you. Hes attached. You went NC for a reason. That reason hasn't changed. And you don't want to get caught with him and all the crap that will bring you. Stat away. Life will be better in time and move in right direction without him. If you stay connected to him you will be miserable more than happy. You wont be happy hes with his wife and has no time for you. No woman wants that. No judgement. Fully get it. Have feelings myself for mm. Waste of time. I'm married. I got out. Hard but best move. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorryborry Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 At the end of the day he can offer you nothing. And dont hang around to get discovered by his wife or something thus making your life harder and bringing a load of hassle on yourself. I know you are lonely. You made a big move out of a marriage. But this way,without him you can improve your life and fill it by degrees with good things and ppl. He will soak up your fresh start energy. And he has nothing to offer only words. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorryborry Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 You are most welcome. I understand how strong these feelings are. They are a headwreck but they can be overcome. Not impossible. You can fix everything. Hes just no addition to your life. Stolen moments. Always longing to see him and him keeping a wife happy. That's where he will be ...unhappy or happy. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 4 hours ago, SS2855 said: I’m idolizing him because of my situation at home. He looks perfect to me when I compare him to the broken painful relationship I’m separated from now. I’m lonely and I want no relationship is so much better and fulfilling then a tiny piece of an already spoken for relationship, right? You probably have it exactly right - that he has SOME feelings for you, but not enough... The good thing about all this is that once you've fully processed this break up, you'll have the freedom to look for an unattached man who can be fully yours, without any lingering baggage from having him as an orbiter in your life or similar. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorryborry Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 Yes I agree . We all idolize these MM if we are missing something at home. And yes NO relationship (at present as u can have a pick of men when free) is better than scraps from him. Exactly that is the case Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 I'm not sure why you feel the need to stay friends with this man. If you are looking to heal, and he is leaving the area, then all you are doing by being his "friend" and listening to his words is making it more challenging to move forward for yourself. I think you should limit communication with him to work only topics, to give you a chance to focus on healing from the ending of your marriage and this relationship. Staying friends with an ex in a regular relationship is hard enough...in an affair it's much harder. There are consequences to having an affair, and losing a friend can be one of them. You can't really uncross the line you crossed unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 Your "Mr Wonderful" may be going to be palatial home, but keep in mind it is 100% proven he is unfaithful to his wife, a liar, and a cheater. See him for what he really is. You are separated from your husband and headed for divorce. It is not the right time for you to be seeking someone else. Heal yourself first. Married men won't help you do that in any way. Even if you somehow got with your AP he isn't a 'prize' at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 (edited) 36 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said: I'm not sure why you feel the need to stay friends with this man. This, exactly. He is not your friend. True friendship don’t hurt in this way. What you are doing is maintaining contact with the man under the guise of “friendship,” and that’s hurtful to you for obvious reasons. Why you feel the need to do this is beyond me... The man has moved away with his family... let him go... Edited January 26, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 8 minutes ago, notbroken said: but keep in mind it is 100% proven he is unfaithful to his wife, a liar, and a cheater. Yes and I bet when he settles in his new resort environment in his palatial home he will be so pleased with himself he will feel he deserves some reward for what he's provided for his family; and then in walks another OW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 You need to shut down his s***. It's just causing you pain and prolonging your suffering. "Please don't talk to me about anything outside of work." "Like I've requested, please keep your communication strictly work-related or I will need to report this to our boss (or whoever)" Link to post Share on other sites
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