I knew my boyfriend was married but I still stayed

[valerieg]

*I’m sorry this is a long post so for anyone who reads this, thank you*

 So I’m 24 and I’ve been dating this 53 year old man for 1 year and 2 months. And yes, I know, weird af. But I find attraction in older men, It’s what I like.

Anyway, In the beginning I fell absolutely in love with him and we quickly became attached to the hip. We did everything together. He was always there for me and became the only person I felt I would have in my life considering I rlly have no friends, no job at the moment, I suffer with anxiety/depression/bipolar and I don’t have a very good relationship with my family I live with either.

Around 6-7 months after we made things official, I did some digging and found out through social media that he’s married and for 29 years too.

When confronting him, he lied about it. He eventually came clean when I saw photos of their wedding and he told me that if he admitted to me he was married, he thought I’d leave him.

It took a huge toll on me and I was extremely upset and wanted to leave the second I found out.

He told me he lives with his wife & 2 kids also but I stupidly loved him so much that I thought maybe I could still be with him if it meant him doing the right thing by his wife and just leaving his house and marriage respectfully.

But he wouldn’t leave. And he told me it’s because they are still legally married but they’re not “together” anymore like that. He even told me they haven’t had sex in a very long time, they don’t sleep in the same bed and that they’re rlly only living together for their kids sake. His kids are 17 & 20. He also made the excuse saying he’d want to see his kids all the time too so if he packed his things and left, it would be difficult if not impossible for him to see them.

I believed him but still felt weird about him living with her. I trusted him tho and ofc wanted him to be around his kids more than anything so that’s when I thought that just because they’re legally married, maybe them not being romantically together anymore made it okay for me to stay around. I know now it was dumb as hell to think that was okay but clearly I was only thinking of myself.

So yea, I stuck around because all I wanted was for us to be together and so that I could finally be happy. We even discussed babies in the future but I know I’m not ready because I already have a 2 yr old with a diff man. 

Months passed and things started not adding up when I found out he was constantly lying to his wife about where he was and who he was with when really he’d be with me. I asked him why he lies to her and why he can’t just be up front about me if they’re not even together and he told me that he doesn’t want to tell her the truth because it’ll only end up hurting the kids.

Again, I believed him. Even more things weren’t adding up when all the time I’d notice she’d be blowing up his phone mostly during the times we were hanging out all day and night. He convinced me that she was blowing his phone up because the kids were worried about him and where he was. Yet again, I believed him.

More time passed and it got to a point where we both just ended up losing feelings for each other because we fought all the time. I also started to think he was just using me for sex too which I’m sure to y’all was pretty obvious already given our age range. But the real reason why I mostly lost feelings was because time and time again of seeing these texts his wife would send him and the non stop calls from her too made me feel like the kids weren’t actually worried about him but that maybe SHE was worried about him.

I mean like, duh.

But I’m stupid bc he kept feeding me lies and using his kids as his #1 excuse for her behavior.

So then, just the other day she found my social media through his account and saw on my page photos of us holding hands, out to dinner, etc. And that’s when she started flipping out on him even worse. She told him she went to search his credit card statements and found purchases of Hotels, Forever 21, Victoria Secret, Movies, etc. Things escalated and that’s when she’d start always texting him like, “I know you’re with that girl.. don’t come back home.. I know your having sex with her, buying her things and spending our money, etc.” She’s even spotted us while driving on the road and FOLLOWED us in her car for awhile.

I can’t say I blame her tho. 100% that’s when I was like alright...nah. Time to stop the excuses bc I know the truth. There’s no way she’d be acting the way she is, blowing up his phone, following us, and freaking out on him like this if they weren’t still together or it being “for the kids” either. It should’ve been obvious to me from the start but like I said, I believed every lie he told me because he convinced me so damn well otherwise.

He has major insecurity issues too and would always accuse me of cheating on him.

Meanwhile he’s literally the one obvs still together with her and living in the same house while lying to the both of us about each other. I feel like him accusing me was his way of hiding what goes on between them behind closed doors. It disgusts me to think that all this time he’s for sure been having sex with her while having sex with me too and I feel stupid as hell to have thought all this time he wasn’t.

I feel terrible being apart of the reason this woman has been suffering through so much pain and doubt in her marriage. I failed to see that from the very beginning and I’m so ashamed. Right away I chose to leave him for my own good and of course, hers too. I don’t wanna be this home wrecker anymore than I have been because this poor woman doesn’t deserve it and that’s not who I want to be.

I feel [bad] for even being involved with a married man and thinking I could make things work for my own selfish needs all bc I thought they weren’t actually together anymore. I know there’s 0 excuse but I was desperate, alone, and in love.

I sent him this long text explaining my reasons for having to leave him and the only thing he got out of what I said was that I’m “only getting rid of him bc I’m prob seeing another man”. Nothing else.

I don’t expect y’all to feel bad for me even the slightest bit because I did this to myself and was wrong on so many levels. I guess I’m posting here because I need advice on how to fully move on from this and deal with the fact that I hurt this woman so badly and was so naive to the truth

Edited January 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs and removed inappropriate language

[S2B]

Well, now you know that married men lie all the time. So do a back ground check on anyone you date in the future. Keep an eye out for lies and indicators that he’s married.

kids that old (adults actually) - don’t expect Dad to be around all the time - this lie of his was acting like his kids were 2 and 5 years old! 
 

best way for you? Block every single way he can contact you. Do not ever speak to him again - you’ll ONLY get MORE lies.

if you can’t get past it - get a counselor to help you regain your independence/balance in your life.

 

Edited January 26, 2021 by S2B

[MRSR31]

I knew a girl your age who proved me wrong about her "geriatric boyfriend." He was 52 and she was 19 when they met. He helped her through a troubled divorce. He was a good man and they weathered a lot to earn my respect. In other words, I am more open to consider the viability of the relationship only because I have one instance of great success; which is freakishly uncommon in this day and age.  

[redacted off-topic commentary]

There is nothing redeemable as far as I can see. I second S2B on the no contact full stop. 

Edited January 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator