Snakesalive Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 I’ve been in a relationship with my boss who is also married to a family member (by marriage) it’s been going on for several years. He told me he loved me -left his wife because of other issues in the marriage and not for me, I also left my husband -my affair partner said we should see how things went then get together after 6 months by which time our kids would be more accepting and wouldn’t have to know we’d been having an affair -all sounds very idealistic but probably not realistic my husband found text messages between us -not for the first time -I admit I got careless but it genuinely wasn’t an attempt to force anything -I didn’t feel I needed to because I genuinely believed I would be with my AP it would just take time . My AP asked me to go and stay with him-he was living in another country at the time -within 6 weeks he said he didn’t know what or who he wanted in his life and has totally cut me off . During the 6 weeks he was telling everyone how I was his soul mate so the sudden change of heart confuses me even more . I keep thinking if I had let things run their course it would have been different -if the text messages hadn’t been found we would have eventually been together -I find I’m constantly blaming myself and finding it hard to move on -did I ruin things ? Part of me knows this was inevitable because he didn’t truly love me if he did he would have dealt with the tough times and the stress like I was trying to do -it was hard but I was committed to making it work even though it wasn’t as planned . Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 32 minutes ago, Jo-ann said: my husband found text messages between us -not for the first time -I admit I got careless but it genuinely wasn’t an attempt to force anything -I didn’t feel I needed to because I genuinely believed I would be with my AP it would just take time . What happened when he found these messages? Did he expose you both? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 So, your affair partner told you you should leave your marriage to be with him, as long as the A was a secret, but as soon as the truth came out - due text messages being revealed -, he changed his tune? Am I reading this correctly? If so: Sounds like he was enjoying his fantasy life on the side, and never had any intention to make this a real relationship. I mean, it’s not uncommon that male affair partners dream about and voice their thoughts about a “real life” together, but when the rubber hits the road things often change really quickly. I am sorry this happened to you. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Jo-ann said: my affair partner said we should see how things went then get together after 6 months by which time our kids would be more accepting and wouldn’t have to know we’d been having an affair This sounds to me like a man who never had any intention of getting together. ”We’ll see how things go” and get together six months later are not the words of a committed man. 2 hours ago, Jo-ann said: he said he didn’t know what or who he wanted in his life and has totally cut me off He divorced and now he is likely exploring other options as a single man. You may have been his back-up plan but he has obviously decided that another serious relationship is not what he wants... particularly because you have so much baggage between you both. That’s not uncommon in these kinds of situations. It’s much easier for him to make a fresh start. I believe this would have happened whether you were discovered or not. The fact that you were discovered made it happen sooner than later. Indeed, the rubber has hit the road and he’s chosen to go a different direction. Edited January 26, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snakesalive Posted January 26, 2021 Author Share Posted January 26, 2021 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: What happened when he found these messages? Did he expose you both? Yes he did Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snakesalive Posted January 26, 2021 Author Share Posted January 26, 2021 4 hours ago, Pumpernickel said: So, your affair partner told you you should leave your marriage to be with him, as long as the A was a secret, but as soon as the truth came out - due text messages being revealed -, he changed his tune? Am I reading this correctly? If so: Sounds like he was enjoying his fantasy life on the side, and never had any intention to make this a real relationship. I mean, it’s not uncommon that male affair partners dream about and voice their thoughts about a “real life” together, but when the rubber hits the road things often change really quickly. I am sorry this happened to you. Thankyou 🙏In fairness he didn’t put any pressure on me to leave , I’d got to the point where I wanted to be with him full time and I trusted that he did too , I understood the need to wait but events overtook the plans When the affair was revealed he asked me to come to him -so I jumped on a plane -so that kinda tells you how much I trusted him . at first it was ok —he was telling my family it wasn’t ideal it had come out this way but he loved me and would look after me but it was clear he couldn’t cope with the anger he got from his grown up kids and others -he also said we were up and down and didn’t like it when I had a couple of glasses of wine and got upset -I thought this was pretty natural given the stressful situation . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snakesalive Posted January 26, 2021 Author Share Posted January 26, 2021 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: This sounds to me like a man who never had any intention of getting together. ”We’ll see how things go” and get together six months later are not the words of a committed man. He divorced and now he is likely exploring other options as a single man. You may have been his back-up plan but he has obviously decided that another serious relationship is not what he wants... particularly because you have so much baggage between you both. That’s not uncommon in these kinds of situations. It’s much easier for him to make a fresh start. I believe this would have happened whether you were discovered or not. The fact that you were discovered made it happen sooner than later. Indeed, the rubber has hit the road and he’s chosen to go a different direction. I think you’re right -he didn’t want the reality just the fantasy and to have me as a back up plan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 Is he the husband of a relative of yours? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snakesalive Posted January 26, 2021 Author Share Posted January 26, 2021 No Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Jo-ann said: it was clear he couldn’t cope with the anger he got from his grown up kids Angry spouses and angry kids take the shine off any new relationship. And to be fair, they have good reason to be angry. It’s quite likely that you have been seen as the reason for this problem, your relationship is negatively affecting his family. He told you that he didn’t want this - didn’t want to make it known to his family that you were together for six months lest they discover that this started as an affair. Lest he be discovered as anything but the family man. You are then discovered and what made your affair wonderful and special was lost. The relationship you shared during your affair does not exist in the same way in the light of day, particularly after you have been discovered and you are having to deal with all this stress and the disappointment/anger of family members. He has clearly decided to cut his loses. It’s easier to start fresh. Perhaps, he will return to his family or he will find another woman who isn’t known to family and friends as the woman with whom he betrayed his wife and children. I’m sorry. This must be hard but its not uncommon for relationships that begin as affairs to end. I know, you feel like you are responsible for ruining this relationship but the truth is... you don’t want this guy. And, this is a hill too hard to climb... I hope you are able to look forward and make better decisions for yourself in the future. Edited January 26, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 I don't think you'll ever know his real mind. People change their minds about things all the time and leaving for you/picking you as a partner would be a major step. My guess would be that he liked you enough to want to leave, but perhaps then lost his nerve and/or the realities of his new situation hit. From the reading I do here it appears that, for men, actually leaving the marriage is not common and even if they do sometimes they want to "play the field" rather than being with their AP. So the likelihood of it "working out" is (apparently) on the order of 5% or less. Also there are some psychological/emotional peculiarities of affair situations, and sometimes a discovered AP very sincerely desires to go back to the partner they cheated on. IF he is trying to reconcile with his wife, ending contact with you might well be a condition of that. Overall, the fact that he's cutting you off at this point speaks volumes, of course - "actions speaking louder than words." Whether this was actually due to these texts being discovered and the subsequent Dday on his side or whether you being together actually would have ever happened at all is IMO essentially impossible to say at this point. So, I'd say pick up from where you are now and move forward in the way you feel is most sensible now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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