Confession: I went too far - not what I wanted

[Notwhatiwanted0126]

I have known this guy from the same company but different department. We had lunch together sometimes. 

I've been in this company for only 2 years and that's pretty much how long I have known him. We had never hung out after work. 

We exchanged cell phone numbers about 2 months ago. We didn't text daily and even when we talked, everything was subtle. Just a couple texts and that was it. 

Then all a sudden, during one conversation, he said he enjoyed talking to me because he was attracted to me. I remember I liked seeing that message so I went on and talked to him more. The messages were getting flirty and I was getting curious about what could happen. We continue to meet each other at work and I felt happy to see him at work. I felt like he was someone who is closer to me than anybody else in the company and I liked the idea of having someone like this in a big company. 

We are both married for more than a decade with kids and everything. 

I like the attention he was giving to me, so although I sensed that thing may go too far, an affair, which is not what I wanted at all.

I love my family dearly and I don't want to disrespect my husband by seeing another man. 

But somehow I agreed to meet him today. When we met, he hugged me and started kissing me. I didn't want to but I kissed him back. 

I didn't like what has happened today. It wan't me. I feel sorry for myself. I feel like I didn't respect myself enough to let another man take advantage of me which I think made him feel good. And I began to dislike him because of what happened today. I have to see him at work. But I really don't want to see him. 

I couldn't face my husband later today when he got off work. I found an excuse to be alone in the bedroom where I searched online and found this website. 

I feel guilty. I feel dirty. I took a long shower because I could smell him on me after the kisses. I wish I could erase today. 

What shall I do?  

Edited January 27, 2021 by Notwhatiwanted0126
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[DKT3]

First thing you need to do is stop playing the victim and start holding yourself accountable for your actions. 

Yes, it is what you wanted or it wouldn't have happened. If you didn't want it to happen you would not have given him you number,  you would not have been texting,  you would not have agreed to meet him and you definitely would not have kissed him. 

Acting as if this all happened against your desire isn't going to help you move forward. 

What you should do is tell your husband everything that happened.  It will likely stop this at a kiss. I suspect you won't and this thing will continue. 

[Notwhatiwanted0126]

1 hour ago, DKT3 said:

First thing you need to do is stop playing the victim and start holding yourself accountable for your actions. 

Yes, it is what you wanted or it wouldn't have happened. If you didn't want it to happen you would not have given him you number,  you would not have been texting,  you would not have agreed to meet him and you definitely would not have kissed him. 

Acting as if this all happened against your desire isn't going to help you move forward. 

What you should do is tell your husband everything that happened.  It will likely stop this at a kiss. I suspect you won't and this thing will continue. 

Hi, 

Thank you. Your comment is eye opening. Your words make sense. 

[MRSR31]

There should be classes in marriage that one should pass before the license will be issued. 

Even if you don't get a rise out of being married anymore you need to disengage respectfully. Your partner gets a say. You are his protector and he yours. You don't subject him to pain so that you can feel special. You don't betray and in exchange you get to belong. 

You made a mess and you don't deserve the ideal marriage and husband. However, water seeks it's own level so something tells me your family isn't happy with you either. 

Maybe work on that. Block the dude and avoid. Get your house in order. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Notwhatiwanted0126 said:

We are both married for more than a decade with kids and everything. 

I like the attention he was giving to me, 

It seems like you enjoy any male attention you can get, even this unseamly type.

You aborted the situation. Be professional at work and knock off the personal and after hours nonsense.

Round out your life. Get in shape, improve your fitness and health. Get more involved in friends, family, neighbors and interests.

Improve your self respect and you won't run after sleazy encounters like this.

[d0nnivain]

11 hours ago, Notwhatiwanted0126 said:

What shall I do?  

You tell this guy that you only wanted friendship & that you are sorry you let things get out of control but you are done.  You erase his messages & delete his # from your phone.  You never meet him again & you only talk to him as absolutely necessary for work.  Given that you are in different departments, hopefully that means not at all.

To the extent possible you make an effort to get a new job at a different company out of respect for your marriage.

You double down on your love & commitment to your husband.  Whether you confess is up to you. Part of that will depend on how well you can keep a secret meaning you tell nonone other than LS.  If it will eat at you, confess & offer marriage counseling & transparency immediately.  I would show the efforts you made to get a new job too

[Blind-Sided]

Everything above is correct.

I know finding another job right now may not be easy... but it really needs done.  One of my female friends just broke it off with her OM and she is having a hard time at work. The funny thing is... I'm literally txt'ing her right now about the same thing. 

The only thing I dont' know about is telling your husband.  I don't think it's right to lie, or hold the truth... but telling him could be the end of your marriage.  If my wife would have said something like that to me... the trust would be gone, and I would wonder if the kiss was really all that happened.  I told my wife from day one... it's the only thing that I will not tolerate.  If she would have said that to me... I would have started the divorce process, and would have outed her as a cheater. 

[Notwhatiwanted0126]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You tell this guy that you only wanted friendship & that you are sorry you let things get out of control but you are done.  You erase his messages & delete his # from your phone.  You never meet him again & you only talk to him as absolutely necessary for work.  Given that you are in different departments, hopefully that means not at all.

To the extent possible you make an effort to get a new job at a different company out of respect for your marriage.

You double down on your love & commitment to your husband.  Whether you confess is up to you. Part of that will depend on how well you can keep a secret meaning you tell nonone other than LS.  If it will eat at you, confess & offer marriage counseling & transparency immediately.  I would show the efforts you made to get a new job too

Thank you. Your words are really helpful and heartfelt. I will take your advice. 

[Notwhatiwanted0126]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

Everything above is correct.

I know finding another job right now may not be easy... but it really needs done.  One of my female friends just broke it off with her OM and she is having a hard time at work. The funny thing is... I'm literally txt'ing her right now about the same thing. 

The only thing I dont' know about is telling your husband.  I don't think it's right to lie, or hold the truth... but telling him could be the end of your marriage.  If my wife would have said something like that to me... the trust would be gone, and I would wonder if the kiss was really all that happened.  I told my wife from day one... it's the only thing that I will not tolerate.  If she would have said that to me... I would have started the divorce process, and would have outed her as a cheater. 

Thank you for your insight as a husband. 

[kendahke]

if this was true:

15 hours ago, Notwhatiwanted0126 said:

I love my family dearly and I don't want to disrespect my husband by seeing another man.

Then this wouldn't have entered your mind:

Quote

But somehow I agreed to meet him today. I didn't want to but I kissed him back. 

Take responsibility for your actions--you're not a hapless child.

There is no somehow to this--you agreed to meet him today and you agreed to kiss him because you wanted to do it. Otherwise, you'd have gone home to the husband and family you claim to love so dearly.

Your first step is to contact a therapist because you've needlessly put yourself in the middle of a minefield and can't get out without damaging everything around you that you claim to love.

 

 

[notbroken]

Definitely tell your affair partner (yes) that you made a mistake and can't do it again.  NEVER meet him again or be alone with him again.   In the meantime, start looking for another job (yes).   Don't be a cheater.  You are well on your way to being very deep in this.   Don't dig deeper.   Rededicate yourself to your husband and family.   The only person to blame is in the mirror.  This is not your husband's fault, not your affair partners fault (though he is guilty too), not anyone's fault but your own.   Accept that.  Forgive yourself, but never do it again. 

[usa1ah]

Poor you????

 

He took advantage of you???

 

You cheated on your husband. 
 

You decided to get involved with another guy. 
 

You are the one at fault because you are the one married to your husband. 
 

Stop blaming your affair partner for your actions. 
 

That is how you start to fix this, take responsibility for what you did. Then tell your husband. After that quit your job and find a new one. 

[smackie9]

I understand how this gets started...just a chat, a glance, that feeling you are desired by someone. They don't even have to be attractive, it's the attention. Dopamine, which I mention a lot is the biological reason why this happens. The love hormone as it is called. it's so addictive, and with any addiction, it leads to cheating, lying, impulse behavior, confusion.

The only way to get yourself out of this is to cut off all contact with this guy. It's good that you see that you need to stop this. Now block/delete, and focus on your marriage. Making it better, do more things with your husband, have date nights, plan some nice outings, etc. People tend to stop being a couple because of kids, career, that you neglect your relationship without you even really knowing it. Just forgive yourself, be blessed with what you have, and go forward.

Edited January 28, 2021 by smackie9

[vla1120]

Hopefully, you got the message from everyone else that the best thing you can do is take responsibility for what happened, make sure it never happens again, and if you can keep your vow to your husband intact from now on, and intend to do so, I don't see a reason right now to tell him you slipped. However, the fact that you got as far as kissing another man tells me you need to work on your marriage with your husband. A good start with be to stay away from your coworker - zero contact (or get another job.) Figure out what is missing that led you to fantasize about and kiss another man, then work on that.

[HappilyMarried]

Hello, @Notwhatiwanted0126good that you see you have went to far. I think whether you want to hear this you are both already in a EA that happened when he said "he was attracted to you" and you continued talking to him it became a definite emotional affair. Then when you meet and hugged and kissed each other it now became a PA.The good news is you have realized it now. The two questions now are:1) What are you going to do about it? 2) Now the biggest one are you going to tell your husband about this?

[Caauug]

On 1/27/2021 at 9:32 AM, Notwhatiwanted0126 said:

Then all a sudden, during one conversation, he said he enjoyed talking to me because he was attracted to me. I remember I liked seeing that message so I went on and talked to him more. The messages were getting flirty and I was getting curious about what could happen. We continue to meet each other at work and I felt happy to see him at work. I felt like he was someone who is closer to me than anybody else in the company and I liked the idea of having someone like this in a big company. 

I like the attention he was giving to me, so although I sensed that thing may go too far,....

But somehow I agreed to meet him today. When we met, he hugged me and started kissing me. 

I believe this is some of the truth....

On 1/27/2021 at 9:32 AM, Notwhatiwanted0126 said:

I couldn't face my husband later today when he got off work. I found an excuse to be alone in the bedroom where I searched online and found this website. 

I feel guilty. I feel dirty. I took a long shower because I could smell him on me after the kisses. 

It's easy to see who is at fault for your emotions of feeling dirty and guilty...… Your husband, if he were not married to you, you would be basking in the after glow of the affair.

On 1/27/2021 at 9:32 AM, Notwhatiwanted0126 said:

I wish I could erase today. 

No you don't, you enjoyed it. You just want to erase the part of coming home to the same old boring life that you left earlier in the day. Knowing how AP can now ignite your emotions is like a new high.... 

Now you can withhold the information about "Today" from your husband, this gives you a feeling of empowerment over him.

 

On 1/27/2021 at 9:32 AM, Notwhatiwanted0126 said:

What shall I do?

What do you want to do??? You have "Tasted the forbidden fruit", you can not turn back time..... You have to work out for yourself what you really want. The point of no return was with the number exchange, that is when you convinced yourself there was no harm stepping forward, that is long gone. You have felt the highs that the AP has brought you to in the heat of the moment and the lows with having your husband at home with you.... 

You are going to take a second bite of that fruit, it's just too good.....

PS: Take a look at what your female friends marriage status is before discussing this with them, if they are divorced or separated they will suggest continuing the affair. (crabs in the bucket).

[elaine567]

On 1/27/2021 at 2:00 PM, Blind-Sided said:

The only thing I dont' know about is telling your husband.  I don't think it's right to lie, or hold the truth... but telling him could be the end of your marriage. 

^^^ this.
Men will often not tolerate cheating wives.
Even those men who stay, may spend the rest of your marriage punishing you.
How likely is he to find out?

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

How likely is he to find out?

Quote

We are both married for more than a decade

Methinks his wife is going to discover the messages on his phone and OP's husband is going to receive a call while OP is messing about at work with this woman's husband.

Edited January 29, 2021 by kendahke

[Interstellar]

Go see a priest and that’s who you confess your transgressions to. If you want to ruin your relationship then by all means confess to your husband. He will never love you again. His interest will never be in the 90’s ever. If you can live with that and walk on eggshells for the rest of your life then dive right in. 

Pray he never finds out and never do this again. 

Edited January 30, 2021 by Interstellar

[Lorryborry]

Hi there. You need to just put this right behind you.  No need to freak out. No harm done at this point.  Someone mentioned feel good chemicals and hormones.  That I'm afraid has alot to do with it.  Humans get carried away sometimes.   But for your good, now is the time to stop. It wont get better.  It wont end well. Be polite and say you didn't mean it to go there etc.  No need to leave job, you are not in an affair with him.  You just need to pull back and start being professional.   Its wont get better and it will lead to big unhappiness if you peruse this.    Put it behind you.   It's a poor decision and you know better now.  Hes going to mess your life in a bad way unless you pull back.   Only thinking of you. Definitely not judging you, just trying to encourage you strongly to pull away. It was only a kiss. Leave it there. And move on.. 

[DKT3]

Its terrible advice, this is not a no foul no harm situation.  Its not just a kiss. Being drunk in a bar and kissing some hot guy before realizing its not a good idea is just a kiss. What you've done is a process and kissing was the next step in the process.  If you handle this as if its no big deal you will find yourself in an affair for 2 or 5 years.

[Buffer]

So sorry you are going through this. But you did actively seek it out.

Yep it is good you realise the kiss was too much. But how to move fwd?

If you want to remain with your husband and children then you will need to cut off your AP. Can’t be your work husband and you can’t be both a home wife, as well as being a work AP wife. 
If you keep working with AP he will continue to tell you the right words to get into your pants. Then it will be worse for you. 
To move forward with your family you need to build a foundation of trust, hence you should tell hubby that there is a connection with this man and yes you have shared a kiss.
To keep this from him will establish your future built on a cracked foundation. It will eventually crumble. If your BS finds out  in a month or five years down the track he will feel double betrayal due to the lies in between. I feel you need to have the hard discussion. Possibly seek IC to help you navigate through to the discussion. Unfortunately Medical checks would also be on the cards as some STIs and STDs can be passed in saliva. I feel this AP is a player and has don’t this before. You should be working with this temptation   
Please don’t wallow in self pity, this lies at your feet. It takes two to build a marriage. Your husband may not be perfect but he didn’t make you communicate with AP or force you make out with him. 
Please if you keep this up I will not end well for all parties. Can you see your children calling another woman ‘Mum’? One only having them 50% of the time? It hurts. 
One day at a time. 
Buffer

[Lorryborry]

She just needs to put it behind her at this point.  No need to make it into something it's not.  She has a job and a family.  She needs to be practical. 

This situation needs to stop straight away is what I'm advising. It's not my place to advise to make big life decisions like leave a job or confess.  I dont know anything about your life style or consequences for you so that's not what I would advise on here.  I'm not equipped to advise on big life moves.  But I do know the simplest way forward is to stop any inappropriate communication at this point and be polite.   Say you dont want trouble and distance yourself alot. Wont be easy but you can do it.   For more I advise seeking a therapist.  Just my tuppance .  For your good  

[Marc878]

Unfortunately this is how they all start. Nothing special about it at all. These scenarios are a dime a dozen. You’ve put yourself in the just another cheating wife category.

If you stay in contact it will escalate into a full blown sexual affair. You are already on the slippery slope. It won’t take much more.

Think ahead. Blow up your marriage and family. Will it be worth it?
 

You should get some fast Individual Counseling. Find a good one. Some are horrible.

You have the capability to cheat. Will it continue or happen again?
 

Rugsweeping what you’ve done is not the way to go.

Get a copy of “Not Just Friends” by glass.   It will be an eye opener.

[Lorryborry]

Yes individual counselling that will steer away from him as it will not end good.  Theres always hurt n its usually the woman hurt. The mm has it all solved.