Confession: I went too far - not what I wanted

[Marc878]

Unfortunately this is not over. Most even knowing the consequences will continue on until they fall off the cliff. The only way out is not walking on the edge. Getting into these situations is easy. Getting out without blowing everything up almost impossible.

Infidelity in a marriage is permanently even if it survives. Trust will never come back fully.

How would you feel if you found out your husband had a lover on the side?

[Marc878]

On 1/26/2021 at 8:32 PM, Notwhatiwanted0126 said:

I couldn't face my husband later today when he got off work. I found an excuse to be alone in the bedroom where I searched online and found this website. 

I feel guilty. I feel dirty. I took a long shower because I could smell him on me after the kisses. I wish I could erase today. 

This is pretty typical. There’s usually not room for two so the husband has to go. A lot of cases the husband becomes the hated one. All his faults compared to the fantasy man just don’t measure up. He isn’t around doing the mundane marriage work like taking care of the home, yard, bills, etc. Fantasy is all romance, fun, exciting until reality strikes.

Affairs are addictive. You get around the source you’ll have relapse.

[Lorryborry]

Yes individual counselling that will steer away from him as it will not end good.  Theres always hurt n its usually the woman hurt. The mm has it all solved. 

[Lorryborry]

I dont think its impossible to break away from it.   Just dont go to the edge of the cliff . I agree with u totally Marc.  It's a fantasy world and a dangerous diversion.   And addictive.   All of that.  But I do not agree with one size fits all regarding pulling back.   It's very possible to set your mind on it's over.  Theres nothing in a relationship with a married person only heartache.   I know I will get reprimanded but in my opinion usually the woman comes out like she walked through a war torn country whereas the mm usually dodges the real blow with a minor scraping.   In my opinion men definitely do not get as hurt.  The mm Only love the attention and chemistry and emotional support sometimes.   It's really a losing game.  Really really same as driving a car over a cliff .  

Edited February 2, 2021 by Lorryborry

[ctdans]

Sounds to me like you caught yourself in time.  Not soon enough for nothing to have happened but from what you wrote as to your feelings and august with your self you know it is wrong and I don't think it will continue.  As others stated it is totally up to you whether you change jobs or tell your husband but 100% you need to stay clear of the other man and be aware that he may be a talker.  He could tell your spouse or coworkers and he could exaggerate.  

Main thing in my opinion is you need to find out how and why you let yourself go that far.  What was missing that he became so appealing and what was missing that let you go beyond the talks and flirting.  You made time to meet him and make out.  So something needs to be discussed and worked out.  Maybe your marriage needs to end?  Maybe something very simple has to resurface (date nights, talking?).

good luck.

[Lorryborry]

Really good advice from ctdans.  You need to pull back. No drama. Work with a therapist to straighten your head.  No need to do the other extreme measures.  Life has to go on.  

[kendahke]

OP is long gone...

[HappilyMarried]

Hey @Notwhatiwanted0126 just following up to see how things were going. It was about a week ago I ask you 2 questions 1) What are you going to do about it? 2) Now the biggest one are you going to tell your husband about this?

Just seeing if there was an update to your situation. Hope everything is working out for you.

[usa1ah]

I am she she fell apart and her husband knows the reason by now. I hope for the best because the guilt was really messing her up. 

[smackie9]

Things are probably back to normal, and planning a nice Sunday dinner.

[Jordan101]

On 1/27/2021 at 3:32 AM, Notwhatiwanted0126 said:

I have known this guy from the same company but different department. We had lunch together sometimes. 

I've been in this company for only 2 years and that's pretty much how long I have known him. We had never hung out after work. 

We exchanged cell phone numbers about 2 months ago. We didn't text daily and even when we talked, everything was subtle. Just a couple texts and that was it. 

Then all a sudden, during one conversation, he said he enjoyed talking to me because he was attracted to me. I remember I liked seeing that message so I went on and talked to him more. The messages were getting flirty and I was getting curious about what could happen. We continue to meet each other at work and I felt happy to see him at work. I felt like he was someone who is closer to me than anybody else in the company and I liked the idea of having someone like this in a big company. 

We are both married for more than a decade with kids and everything. 

I like the attention he was giving to me, so although I sensed that thing may go too far, an affair, which is not what I wanted at all.

I love my family dearly and I don't want to disrespect my husband by seeing another man. 

But somehow I agreed to meet him today. When we met, he hugged me and started kissing me. I didn't want to but I kissed him back. 

I didn't like what has happened today. It wan't me. I feel sorry for myself. I feel like I didn't respect myself enough to let another man take advantage of me which I think made him feel good. And I began to dislike him because of what happened today. I have to see him at work. But I really don't want to see him. 

I couldn't face my husband later today when he got off work. I found an excuse to be alone in the bedroom where I searched online and found this website. 

I feel guilty. I feel dirty. I took a long shower because I could smell him on me after the kisses. I wish I could erase today. 

What shall I do?  

You are on a very slippery slope  , unguarded thoughts accompanied by dangerous actions will always led to tragedy  . Secrets tend to thrive in darkness and like yeast or a small infestation it grows until it consumes everything.   It always starts small and exciting maybe even Innocent until you find yourself emotionally (possibly physically) entangled with another man to the point where it suffocates your thoughts and affects you to the point of you becoming another person that you yourself barely even recognize. The worst part is that it robs you of that special Innocence of marriage  , that unique bond meant for only a husband and his wife to enjoy. Please  Please don't be like so many others who suddenly "found themselves in an impossible situation "  when it takes many small decisions to get there . Imagine if it was your husband betraying you  , picture everything you built crumbling down because the a few moments of pleasure or outside validation. 

[Notwhatiwanted0126]

Lorryborry, 

Thank you for your kind words. I found them comforting. And strangely your words make me cry... I just want to thank you for your kind words. I am responsible for this and I am not denying it. I want to stop and everything you said really gives me a direction to start. I will not quit my job psychologically broken and being miserable the next place I work. I will face the challenge knowing what really is the most important thing for me. 

I have blocked this man on everything, and I do this for my own sanity. I need to stop this man from contacting me and myself contacting him. 

Yes I have many other issues from the past which I don't want to state here. But I will work on myself on my own - instead of looking for it from another man - because however I think I should be treated, this man showed me that all he was into was sexual. 

Edited February 10, 2021 by Notwhatiwanted0126

[Notwhatiwanted0126]

On 2/2/2021 at 3:14 PM, ctdans said:

Sounds to me like you caught yourself in time.  Not soon enough for nothing to have happened but from what you wrote as to your feelings and august with your self you know it is wrong and I don't think it will continue.  As others stated it is totally up to you whether you change jobs or tell your husband but 100% you need to stay clear of the other man and be aware that he may be a talker.  He could tell your spouse or coworkers and he could exaggerate.  

Main thing in my opinion is you need to find out how and why you let yourself go that far.  What was missing that he became so appealing and what was missing that let you go beyond the talks and flirting.  You made time to meet him and make out.  So something needs to be discussed and worked out.  Maybe your marriage needs to end?  Maybe something very simple has to resurface (date nights, talking?).

good luck.

 Why I let myself go that far...

I have a happy family from outside. But I am always not happy.

I had an abusive childhood. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive. I came from a rural area from another country. I grew up "loving" but EXTREMELY afraid of my parents at the same time. I never knew how much of an impact their abuse would have on me. I never knew about abuse and I continued to love my parent until I was a parent myself. I started looking into why I was always unhappy after my second child was born which was 3 years ago. Not until then, did I realize how much my childhood had shaped me. I now know the root and I could deal better with situations time to time, but I have been loving my parents so much that I couldn't blame them. Deep inside, I wanted to tell them that they messed me up, but whenever I face them, I still love them and there is no way I would bring this up. 

I have no idea how this could explain how I got this far with this man. You know...I feel really disgusted now when I think of what happened between him and me. I avoid to meet him at work. I haven't seen him since I posted here...my feelings regarding this is that I hope I continue NOT to see him at all..but I am also worried that eventually I would see him again. I really want to tell him how ugly it felt and I wish he quits his job...

[Notwhatiwanted0126]

16 minutes ago, Notwhatiwanted0126 said:

Lorryborry, 

Thank you for your kind words. I found them comforting. And strangely your words make me cry... I just want to thank you for your kind words. I am responsible for this and I am not denying it. I want to stop and everything you said really gives me a direction to start. I will not quit my job psychologically broken and being miserable the next place I work. I will face the challenge knowing what really is the most important thing for me. 

I have blocked this man on everything, and I do this for my own sanity. I need to stop this man from contacting me and myself contacting him. 

Yes I have many other issues from the past which I don't want to state here. But I will work on myself on my own - instead of looking for it from another man - because however I think I should be treated, this man showed me that all he was into was sexual. 

Lorryborry, so when I was replying to ctdans, I decided to share some of my childhood experience. I would love to hear what you have to say about it as I am sure childhood abuse is not a new topic...

[usa1ah]

My child hood was hell!

 

I haven’t cheated on anyone. 
 

Your childhood has nothing to do with you cheating. You did it because at the time you wanted to. Just like you blocking your affair partner so you can’t contact him as well. 
 

You won’t fix anything until you really take full responsibility for YOUR actions. This isn’t your parents fault because of what they did. I am sorry for what you went through, I know how hard that can be. But they didn’t cheat on your husband, you did.