Ended EA with Business Partner. Need support with my deluded mind

[Lorryborry]

Had an EA with someone I am in business with. Have ended it. He was a good friend. I wanted friendship at start. It was him that pushed boundaries.  It started after me losing 3 family members in ONE month. Mum dad and sister.  Not excuse. Explanation.  I'm married 20yrs. One child. Hubby can never know. Our life would be destroyed and my AP life also. So it had to end. As it was also right thing to do. Obviously he helped me alot.  So I miss him. Am concentrating o  my family and him on his. So friendship is never a runner now? No sexual touching happened. Lots of hugs. And sharing deep thoughts. He wanted to make it more physical.  No judgement please. Thanks alot

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't.  Maintain distance out of respect for your DH especially if the OM was the one pushing the boundaries.  

Of course you can be polite to this person at work but no more personal chat

[snowboy91]

 I've not been in that position, but I'm going to follow a similar line one might use for an ex partner.

It would be possible, but you both have to be willing to accept only a friendship and not want anything more from it, and trust that the other person feels the same way. It's all very unlikely, but not impossible. 

You also have the added complexity of explaining your friendship to your husband and whether or not he trusts you.

[Lorryborry]

Thank you both. My husband knows him and knows we are "friendly" re the business.   Also....just want to be doing right thing. We did hug...alot.  No sex but he wanted to have more. I honestly just wanted friendship and it got out of hand.  Just interested in yr opinion thanks for not being harsh

[Pumaza]

What is EA? Affair partner you mean?

Anyway, sorry for your loss.Thats a heavy one.wow. Glad u doing better.

But fact is nothing gonna stay secret on earth.

When ever he find out it gonna hurt him. You knew this gonna bring drama if you start a affair.

Why do you want to stay freinds? Specially if you talking about doing better and focus on your family.

You know deep down that thats not what will happen.And the affair will have another come up. If u could stay freinds with that guy u woulda day one.

So it shows you cant.So stop play with fire.And he could have push boundries but its you that allow him to do it with you . Cut him of 100% and move on.

And get a therapist.Cause clearly for some reason u ddnt turn to your husbend for support,but to a affair.

Something may be going on why you ddnt seek that kind of support from the one you should seek it from....your hubby.

All the best!

[spiritedaway2003]

You have to honest with yourself.  Are you still very attracted to him and vice versa?  It would be very difficult, if not downright, impossible once that genie is out of the bottle. 

You can maintain the distance, but in all likelihood, it's just slowing flaming the fire.  Eventually, one person may say something or do something during a vulnerable time, and the rest of the dominoes will fall.  That's why when there is a "emotional" affair, you can't be friends after.  Because once the feelings are there, it's only a matter of time before things flare up.

The only exception is unless someone does something that completely turns off the other person and dent those feelings.  IMHO, I don't think you're quite there yet.  Keep working on it and be kind to yourself too.

Edited January 27, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[Lorryborry]

Hello Everyone. Iv ended an EA of 2yrs with my business partner. Nothing said iv just pulled away. We always had this "guise" of friendship and business but bottom line is we are attracted to each other and he has been very vocal about this and very willing to get sexual if I was willing.   We both married. Both married 20yrs plus.  He adult kids. Iv one child. I do really like him. Sexual chemistry big time. I slipped into it as 2yrs ago this month I lost mum dad and sister in 1 month. Long illnesses leading up to it.  Long story he jumped in to support.  Hubby was distant and also abroad working.   My mind was in a mesh. But now I can see

1.  We cant have friendship as it's too painful for me 

2.  Its cheating ...we have had dozens of cuddles and kisses

3.  Dont want to blow up our lives if it ever got discovered 

4.  I'm lonely but hes not the answer. He can't be he has a wife , my inner circle is all over the world and no family since sister died that's my loneliness.  But hes not answer?

 

5.  I need to build my life back up.  So I put lots of other safe ppl in it and cut him out?

6.  He could have groomed me at that time with hope of extra sex?

7.  Hes no friend of mine

8.   I get bursts of anger when I look back on this time. I wanted a friend , maybe he saw me as prey?

9.  He was greedy as he has a huge circle of family and a wife ?  

10.  The friendship is a delusion?  And hes just a rat.  But there's no point being angry as it will not benefit me? 

I want to note before and during this EA which I knew was inappropriate coz of the hugging and kissing but I took it as I was low , I kept saying I want friendship with you and your family ( and I genuinely did want this as I liked him) and saw it as safe way of having him in my life. And he stalled that....that's a selfish person?

I'm trying to put this behind me. It's not easy as iv got to do business with him.  Hes in business with me and 3 others and hes seriously talented and is making this very successful so hes going to be in my life.   

 

I need to stay strong and the above points are helping me. 

 

Any other tips, thanks so much

 

I'm in therapy.  This is what therapist and I worked on. And I do love my husband very much. Just things faded and we have a number of issues to work on.   And I deeply am sorry for the time and energy I poured into the EA.  I'm on right track?  Have no one to talk to about it. 

 

 

Edited January 27, 2021 by Lorryborry

[Pottering About]

Hi Lorryborry, welcome back.

Can I ask what is it that you are actually looking for from this latest thread? 
 

Difficult to determine from your post whether things have moved forward. Are you still in the same place that you were in when you first posted? If not, how have things changed?

From my perspective, you seem to have recognised/accepted the seriousness of your actions and you had made positive decisions about your future relationship with him. Are you now saying you are having difficulty pushing those decisions through or are you looking for affirmation that you are doing the right thing?

People are very happy to help but we need to know what kind of help you need. I think you may need to define what the actual problem is as well. Is it your ongoing feelings, the need to find some safe working relationship/practices, the need to sort out problems in your own marriage, do you just need a place to vent, a reassuring pat on the shoulder, what?

I’ve said this before, you were treated very kindly before but just be aware there may be some adverse reactions or harsh comments. Take from these what you will but don’t get hung up on them.

I take it your business partner is no longer ill.

Regards,

[Lorryborry]

3 minutes ago, Pottering About said:

Hi Lorryborry, welcome back.

Can I ask what is it that you are actually looking for from this latest thread? 
 

Difficult to determine from your post whether things have moved forward. Are you still in the same place that you were in when you first posted? If not, how have things changed?

From my perspective, you seem to have recognised/accepted the seriousness of your actions and you had made positive decisions about your future relationship with him. Are you now saying you are having difficulty pushing those decisions through or are you looking for affirmation that you are doing the right thing?

People are very happy to help but we need to know what kind of help you need. I think you may need to define what the actual problem is as well. Is it your ongoing feelings, the need to find some safe working relationship/practices, the need to sort out problems in your own marriage, do you just need a place to vent, a reassuring pat on the shoulder, what?

I’ve said this before, you were treated very kindly before but just be aware there may be some adverse reactions or harsh comments. Take from these what you will but don’t get hung up on them.

I take it your business partner is no longer ill.

Regards,

Hi Pottering.  Thanks again.  I'm just getting used of LS.  I personally acknowledged everyone numerous times as I am very very pleased with the support 9 times out of 10 people have been kind.  I was scared on this as I was afraid of my security and also read some harsh replys to others which bothered me.   Sorry about ramble

I am gaining huge clarity about my "friendship".  That it Is in nobody's interest to carry it on.  I'm looking for validation and encouragement that I can do this(cut him out).  That this is the only option for a simple respectful life. 

That he is not the answer to my loneliness?

 

I'm terribly lonely since losing all my immediate family 2yrs ago. I was so close to my sister.  

 

And I was using EA to fill that.   That can happen right?

 

So I'm telling myself " hes not answer to a content life".  

He is better now and is reaching out to me. About business.  

This last few weeks my craving for him has weaned.  EAs are heightened by secrecy and that's not real chemistry?  That's just BS right?

 

Bottom line having a secret "friendship " is not in my best interests?

 

These are the things Iv concluded. Just need it reiterated that I make sense? Things are clicking into place and I need to build my momentum on right path. 

 

Also I'm thinking of taking a course or otherwise engaging my intellect in order to fill that gap...good idea right?

 

 

[Lorryborry]

Yes iv gained some clarity.   This covid situation makes me realise what is important.   I was worried about him and he wasnt in contact much. Obviously because his family (rightly so) was priority.   I dont want that in my life.   

[Lorryborry]

There's no benefit for anyone engaging in any type of relationship with a taken person.   It's only hardship and dangerous all around. 

[Lorryborry]

Yes I need validation that this is all correct and that I'm thinking clearly. I'm 2yrs into grieving my family and I'm getting clarity....at last

[Wiseman2]

It seems like a friendship. That got a bit touchy feely for a while, but was quickly snuffed out.

Perhaps you wished it was an affair. As retribution for your cold nasty husband's attitude.

The friendship/business association is still there. Fine. That's not going to address your awful marriage.

 

[Lorryborry]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like a friendship. That got a bit touchy feely for a while, but was quickly snuffed out.

Perhaps you wished it was an affair. As retribution for your cold nasty husband's attitude.

The friendship/business association is still there. Fine. That's not going to address your awful marriage.

 

I do not have a nasty husband or an awful marriage (sad to hear that said about him).   My husband had slipped up around that time and was not there for me enough .   We are not all perfect right?  We are a mixture of weak points and strong points. My marriage and husband is not perfect but are you saying issues within a marriage amount to "nasty and uncaring"... I dont agree with that.  I 100 percent back my husband. He fell down around that time but hes not a bad person. I dont agree with judgement of people as we are all imperfect .  But thank you for your contribution.  

[Lorryborry]

We will work the areas that are weak  that's where I am at .  I have been through alot and my mind is clear now...so I want to sort my life out  .  I'm looking for encouragement here. The same as I will offer to others . I certainly will not be judging or labelling as I dont have the right to.  Iv made mistakes 

[denwickdroylsden]

It's tough to have to work with someone you were once involved with. Seeing them and having to deal with them professionally while under the surface lurk all those thoughts. Tearing off the bandaid with strict NC (including changing jobs) is traumatic also at a lot of levels but probably the better long term move. At least I found it to be. Good luck.

[Lorryborry]

Just now, denwickdroylsden said:

It's tough to have to work with someone you were once involved with. Seeing them and having to deal with them professionally while under the surface lurk all those thoughts. Tearing off the bandaid with strict NC (including changing jobs) is traumatic also at a lot of levels but probably the better long term move. At least I found it to be. Good luck.

Thanks so much. Yes its challenging and difficult but I hope not impossible if I keep reminding myself what's important.   I'm 42 and the business is going well. Of course strict NC is ideal but unfortunately that's not possible as it's not just a job it's a partnership with alot of investment and other ppl involved and relying on it. So it would be very destructive and really raise questions.  But I do totally understand and support that idea of strict NC.  Thank you for your help and time and for being non judgemental xx

[d0nnivain]

Your loneliness & grief made you vulnerable.  You know that now.

Do find healthier ways to ease your loneliness.  Double down on reconnecting with your husband & nurturing that relationship.

You will be OK

[Lorryborry]

39 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Your loneliness & grief made you vulnerable.  You know that now.

Do find healthier ways to ease your loneliness.  Double down on reconnecting with your husband & nurturing that relationship.

You will be OK

Thank you for reassuring me and the encouragement.   That's very positive.  My husband is a good man. We have alot of issues to sort intimately and psychologically but I'm hoping we can do it together.   Big issues. X

[d0nnivain]

so get to work. . .

Best of luck!

[pepperbird2]

op,

Am I correct that you're in therapy? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, from an emotional standpoint.
Have you grieved the loss of your family members ? Is it possible part of your relationship with this guy was almost a way to avoid facing that grief, sort of a distraction from it?

[Lorryborry]

1 minute ago, pepperbird2 said:

op,

Am I correct that you're in therapy? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, from an emotional standpoint.
Have you grieved the loss of your family members ? Is it possible part of your relationship with this guy was almost a way to avoid facing that grief, sort of a distraction from it?

Yes in therapy.   Therapist wants me concentrate on my life going forward and ditch this man out of it  

[pepperbird2]

21 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

Yes in therapy.   Therapist wants me concentrate on my life going forward and ditch this man out of it  

Good. That's a smart move. You'll come out the other side feeling a whole lot better.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear LB,

I'm glad you have made a right decision  by stopping the affair.  I do believe a relationship is based on total honesty.  It is my opinion that you should tell your husband about the affair.  I believe you can fight this problem as a team and your husband can be your support.

Best,

Dreamer

[Lorryborry]

7 minutes ago, Dreamer2017 said:

Dear LB,

I'm glad you have made a right decision  by stopping the affair.  I do believe a relationship is based on total honesty.  It is my opinion that you should tell your husband about the affair.  I believe you can fight this problem as a team and your husband can be your support.

Best,

Dreamer

Thank you for your advice stay safe