Ended EA with Business Partner. Need support with my deluded mind

[Pottering About]

Hi. Okay, this is my sixpence worth:-  

You have come a long way since you first came on here. At first, you didn’t seem to understand the concept of an EA but you took on board advice and recognised it for what it was.

Having realised the seriousness of your situation, you took steps to remove yourself from the affair and to channel your feelings in the right direction.

Since your last post, you have redefined what kind of relationship you want with the other man, recognising that you still need to maintain a professional relationship with him and you both seem to be respecting those boundaries.

Have you done the right thing so far - absolutely. 

In terms of moving forward in terms of the EA, you know when, where and how you become vulnerable which seems to be linked to feelings of loneliness. Can you/ have you worked with your therapist to identify some coping methods you can implement when you start to waiver?

You have started to express some anger with the other man and some feelings that you were taken advantage of. Personally, I don’t think these do you any good at all and may have a negative effect on moving forward. Have you worked with your therapist to get rid of these destructive emotions? You can’t go NC or remove him completely from your life, look to the future relationship you have with him and continue to get this right.
 

I do not think it would be a good idea to tell your husband as I think the damage and loss on so many levels will be totally disproportionate to the actual degree/depth of the affair. I know you understand that what you did was wrong but I do feel, compared to many stories we see on here,  on a scale of 1 - 10, this was a 3 to 4, maximum 5.
 

I do think it is a good idea to look for something to fill the gap caused by both the tragic loss of family members and the support offered by the other man. Personally, I think you should be focusing the professional help you are getting on how your marriage could be better and dealing with your grief. Put the EA behind you as this a consequence of your loneliness and grief, not the cause of it.

 Can  I suggest anything that fills the gap involves joint activities with your husband - 2 birds, 1 stone. This will reinforce work that is taking place on your marriage. 

I was a bit surprised to see you back here and my first thoughts were oh, oh. However, I think  you are doing well and hope you see the posts so far as validation and encouragement.

Finally, I think the biggest and most important thing you need to do to help you move forward is TO FORGIVE YOURSELF! You still haven’t done this and keeping beating yourself up is counterproductive to what you want to achieve. 
 

Sorry this is a long post but there was a lot to cover. Keep the faith and, yes, people will be here for you to talk to.

Edited January 27, 2021 by Pottering About

[Allupinnit]

7 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

Thanks so much. Yes its challenging and difficult but I hope not impossible if I keep reminding myself what's important.   I'm 42 and the business is going well. Of course strict NC is ideal but unfortunately that's not possible as it's not just a job it's a partnership with alot of investment and other ppl involved and relying on it. So it would be very destructive and really raise questions.  But I do totally understand and support that idea of strict NC.  Thank you for your help and time and for being non judgemental xx

I hear this a lot on this board - "we work together and it would be impossible to change that."  Well now you made your bed so you have to lie in it.  There is another poster here who had the same story, she had "broken up" with her MM and she asked for advice on how to keep things professional.  She hasn't been back to update us how it's going, so I'm assuming as usual human nature dictates she fell back into the affair.

I don't know how it's possible to shut off romantic feelings for someone when you have to see them all the time.  Sounds like you're just going to have to grin and bear it and hope nobody finds out.  Temptation is all around us and it's imperative to keep these boundaries up around your marriage.  a

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I hear this a lot on this board - "we work together and it would be impossible to change that."  

It's easier to change jobs then it is to get out of a business you own & operate with your AP.  Seriously, getting a divorce can sometimes be easier than dividing up a small closely held company.  

This appears to be an EA only.  While you can't put the genie back in the bottle for an EA only I think you can erect the proper barriers & carry on working together only. 

[Allupinnit]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

It's easier to change jobs then it is to get out of a business you own & operate with your AP.  Seriously, getting a divorce can sometimes be easier than dividing up a small closely held company.  

This appears to be an EA only.  While you can't put the genie back in the bottle for an EA only I think you can erect the proper barriers & carry on working together only. 

I'd be a lot more hurt to hear my H fell in love with someone else he worked closely with than if it were a one-night stand.

If my marriage was at stake and I didn't want a divorce this would be eating me up inside.  I don't know how you move on from someone you see on a regular basis.  There's no way in hell I could do that.

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Allupinnit said:

I'd be a lot more hurt to hear my H fell in love with someone else he worked closely with than if it were a one-night stand.

If my marriage was at stake and I didn't want a divorce this would be eating me up inside.  I don't know how you move on from someone you see on a regular basis.  There's no way in hell I could do that.

I agree with all of that but I don't believe an EA is an affair.  If the OP is "in love" with her business partner, a true break up is the best course.   I got the sense that she was in limerence, enjoying the attention after some real life upheavals & not really romantically in love but I don't know. 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

Yes I need validation that this is all correct and that I'm thinking clearly. I'm 2yrs into grieving my family and I'm getting clarity....at last

I'm not sure you're thinking clearly with your talk of him grooming you.   Calling his actions grooming puts him in with perpetrators and abusers (which he's not)...and it pitches you as a victim to him (which you're not).  

This guy is no more a groomer than any other individual who really likes someone and wants sex with them.   He let you know he was up for it - and you chose to not take it further than an EA.  

[elaine567]

This was not a pure EA, as there was a physical element to it.
No actual sex, but hugging and kissing.

 

[d0nnivain]

19 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This was not a pure EA, as there was a physical element to it.
No actual sex, but hugging and kissing.

 

Doesn't cross the line in my book but I understand others feel very differently about the issue. 

[BaileyB]

I consider this to be primarily an emotional affair moving well down the slippery slope to becoming a physical affair. Passionate kisses, cuddling, and other physical touching crosses the line for me.
It sound like that was perhaps his intention, for whatever reason it hasn’t happened... yet.

And while I have great sympathy for the losses you suffer and I do think that another man may have seen that you were in a vulnerable state and chosen NOT to pursue an a relationship with you...
This has been going on for two years now, by your account. Two years. You have had an opportunity to make a different decision for yourself for two years. So no, I don’t feel that he was “grooming” you or that you are somehow a victim - you suffered a terrible loss and you were in a vulnerable place that contributed to the fact that you made a series of poor decisions for yourself. You need to own that if you truly want to get on a better path for yourself...

Edited January 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Doesn't cross the line in my book

Your husband making out with his female or even male coworker would not be crossing the line? 

Edited January 27, 2021 by elaine567
added quote

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

 I'm 42 and the business is going well. Of course strict NC is ideal but unfortunately that's not possible as it's not just a job it's a partnership with alot of investment and other ppl involved and relying on it. 

You have no choice but to use sheer willpower to set boundaries. Part of that is improving areas of vulnerability. "No contact" is not possible in every situation. In fact you should be able to use self control, not run away from your profession to control your feelings. No one is a "moth to flame". We all have free will..

[d0nnivain]

30 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Your husband making out with his female or even male coworker would not be crossing the line? 

She didn't say making out.  She said kiss. It's a matter of degree

[Lorryborry]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

It's easier to change jobs then it is to get out of a business you own & operate with your AP.  Seriously, getting a divorce can sometimes be easier than dividing up a small closely held company.  

This appears to be an EA only.  While you can't put the genie back in the bottle for an EA only I think you can erect the proper barriers & carry on working together only. 

Thank you. Thats exactly it. 

[Lorryborry]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You have no choice but to use sheer willpower to set boundaries. Part of that is improving areas of vulnerability. "No contact" is not possible in every situation. In fact you should be able to use self control, not run away from your profession to control your feelings. No one is a "moth to flame". We all have free will..

Yes I do believe we have self control. Thank you

[Lorryborry]

39 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I consider this to be primarily an emotional affair moving well down the slippery slope to becoming a physical affair. Passionate kisses, cuddling, and other physical touching crosses the line for me.
It sound like that was perhaps his intention, for whatever reason it hasn’t happened... yet.

And while I have great sympathy for the losses you suffer and I do think that another man may have seen that you were in a vulnerable state and chosen NOT to pursue an a relationship with you...
This has been going on for two years now, by your account. Two years. You have had an opportunity to make a different decision for yourself for two years. So no, I don’t feel that he was “grooming” you or that you are somehow a victim - you suffered a terrible loss and you were in a vulnerable place that contributed to the fact that you made a series of poor decisions for yourself. You need to own that if you truly want to get on a better path for yourself...

I own that I made poor decisions.  But he had upper hand.   They were significant losses. 3 immediate family. I'm slowly coming to terms with it. And mind is clearer.  I'm struggling with anger now . 

[Allupinnit]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

She didn't say making out.  She said kiss. It's a matter of degree

Why all the hair splitting?  OP also made other threads about this where she is trying to downplay the severity of her actions as they relate to her marriage.

Any relationship that you have to hide from your spouse, knowing full well it would be the end of your marriage and hurt lots of people, is disloyalty to your spouse.  Cheating.  An affair.  Call it what you will, for two years OP has been emotionally and physically involved with another man.  

People lie to themselves and sell themselves on bad ideas all the time.

 

[Lorryborry]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

This was not a pure EA, as there was a physical element to it.
No actual sex, but hugging and kissing.

 

Yes that's right.  Not proud

[Lorryborry]

59 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Doesn't cross the line in my book but I understand others feel very differently about the issue. 

It was cheating. But it wasn't how we were having sex .  Yes ppl all feel differently 

[Lorryborry]

49 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Why all the hair splitting?  OP also made other threads about this where she is trying to downplay the severity of her actions as they relate to her marriage.

Any relationship that you have to hide from your spouse, knowing full well it would be the end of your marriage and hurt lots of people, is disloyalty to your spouse.  Cheating.  An affair.  Call it what you will, for two years OP has been emotionally and physically involved with another man.  

People lie to themselves and sell themselves on bad ideas all the time.

 

I'm not trying to downplay my wrongdoing .  I would welcome encouragement at this point that I'm going forward in right direction. But it's ok. I'm not perfect and that's ok if you want to judge me I cant change that.  

[Lorryborry]

Just now, Lorryborry said:

I'm not trying to downplay my wrongdoing .  I would welcome encouragement at this point that I'm going forward in right direction. But it's ok. I'm not perfect and that's ok if you want to judge me I cant change that.  

I admit I was in denial a few days ago.  I am trying to move forward in as positive a way as I can.  

[Lorryborry]

53 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Why all the hair splitting?  OP also made other threads about this where she is trying to downplay the severity of her actions as they relate to her marriage.

Any relationship that you have to hide from your spouse, knowing full well it would be the end of your marriage and hurt lots of people, is disloyalty to your spouse.  Cheating.  An affair.  Call it what you will, for two years OP has been emotionally and physically involved with another man.  

People lie to themselves and sell themselves on bad ideas all the time.

 

Physical = I'm sorry but there is a massive difference between kissing hugging and having full sexual penetration oral or any other way. Big difference

[Lorryborry]

Can I ask why "physical " here like hugging holding kissing (not tongues),  is lumped together with sexual intercourse oral sex and heavy petting??

[Lorryborry]

I'm not saying kissing and hugging is ok. As yes ...hands up.....it was secret so cheating. But I am not of the opinion that its same as a full on sexual relationship.  It be very different if we had full on physical relationship and if I shared my body in that way. 

[Lorryborry]

It's not ok what we done. But it could have been completely more deceptive. My husband never left my mind when with AP.   I'm not saying I'm ok or blameless or anyway as vitreous as some ppl but I definitely have morals.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were revered and your husband engaged in these activities, would you consider it physical and cheating?